THE HILLS PHOTOCAP: Most Depressing Episode EVER

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There’s only one, one, episode left of The Hills, and I’m starting to get a little misty-eyed. Where else am I going to get my weekly dose of grungy douchebags galavanting about Hollywood with no discernible direction in their lives? I suppose I could just, you know, step outside my apartment to find that, but it’s not as fun when I have to encounter it in real life. Nevertheless, the show is about to disappear forever, and perhaps the cast is realizing that their stars are about to fade away significantly. Why else would last night’s penultimate episode have been SO DAMN DEPRESSING?

The biggest downer came from Kristin, who revealed that she did truly want to have a relationship with Brody. Sucks for her though because the Brodester is dating some mystery girl now (my money’s on LC. The dramatic reveal in the finale would be too great for MTV to pass up, even if the two aren’t dating in real life). Brody first told his boyz about the secret lady friend while visiting a body shop that Sleazy-T apparently works at. And yes, in case you forgot, Brody’s new thing is to be all about Hemis and motorcycles. Why? I don’t know. But when one is a mercurial spirit like Brody Jenner, one never knows what douchey interests might surface in his life.

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: And Now There’s An Elephant on the Show

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What happens when you take an annoying six-year-old, a psychotic crystal enthusiast, a pair of giant boobs, and one very large elephant and put them together? You get a party at the Pratt’s! Such was the scene that unfolded midway through last night’s episode of The Hills, which saw the further psychological unraveling of Spencer. This time around he wasn’t blathering away about the transformative powers of rocks. Instead he was rambling like a maniac about the awfulness of Heidi’s mom, who he stated was merely a vessel — or specifically, a vagina — to bring Heidi into the world. More to the point, Spencer suggested the reason behind Darlene’s disappointment over her daughter’s new face and body was because she couldn’t play God and make the ideal Heidi. Of course, this introduces the notion that the plastic surgeon and/or Spencer ARE God because they could mold Heidi into perfection, but we won’t go there.

The point is that Spencer has gone a tad nuts, and if drugs aren’t the culprit, then perhaps it’s just bad genes. When he wasn’t hollering at sister-in-law Holly, he was sucking face with a lamb (yes, a lamb). And when he wasn’t getting some hot, ovine tongue action, he was slamming doors and making “WOOOOO” sounds like Whitney Houston. For her part, Heidi just sort of sat there frozen, which may or may not have been a byproduct of her surgery. It’s safe to say that things are not going well for the Pratts.

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: Crazy, Rumors

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Because of my traveling last week, I didn’t really get a chance to photocap the season premieres of The Hills or The City, but rest assured, both are off to strong starts. This is mildly surprising, given that The Hills descended into a vortex of suck last year, and I wasn’t totally sure it could pull itself out. Well, maybe my tolerance for douchebags has increased or maybe my resolve has worn down, but whatever the reason, I’ve been enjoying The Hills again. In no small part is that due to the increased bickering and cattiness we’ve seen as a result of a) Heidi’s surgeries, b) Kristin’s alleged drug use, and c) LO finally, finally making the opening credits. Of course, Lo getting her moment in the spotlight feels sort of like the pity varsity spot coaches give seniors in high school, but hey, that’s okay. It only took six years, but our girl is finally no longer a sidekick! Continue reading