REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY PHOTOCAP: Heavy Stuff, Man

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Well, we’re a few episodes into the latest season of Real Housewives of New Jersey, and I’m proud to report that Joe Gorga and his sister Teresa are still mad at each other. The two haven’t seen each other in a year (except, um, for that whole reunion thing they did together a few months ago on Bravo), but that all changed Sunday night when the two happened to run into each other at the gym. Who would have expected that? They were only mic’d up and toting camera crews. Totally organic!

Nevertheless, the two got into yet another spat, and I won’t bore you with the details, but the arc was the same as always: Teresa painted herself as a saint, used elliptical logic to exonerate her husband, got really mad, and flipped something over (in this case, a trash can). Sadly, this was the most exciting moment of the season.

In the end, Joe wound up grunting away on a weight machine like a feral baboon while Teresa huffed away with her trainer, Nicole Greco-Peepas — a.k.a. the future name of any daughter, pet, or houseplant that may come under my custodial care.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Footloose and Fancy Food

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There were all sorts of big moments for The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night. Melissa Gorga finally put herself on display on display at Beatstock, a gig that attracted 10,000 festivalgoers, at least according to her. One look at the empty seats beyond the mosh pit seemed to indicate otherwise. Poor Melissa (and Gia) were clearly scheduled so early in the program that probably only a hundred people had even bothered to show up yet. I don’t know why no one was there though. Aside from the Gorga-Giudice family stage presence, the official Beatstock 2011 lineup was a veritable who’s who of ’90s superstars: Shaggy, Robin S, Crystal Waters, Ultra Naté, and Corina. SIGN ME UP. Not even joking. To be fair, Kelly Rowland also appeared… but so did the Cover Girls and other such luminaries as Qwote (?), Joe Zangie (?), and someone named Mike Hush (shhh).

Nevertheless, Melissa performing at Beatstock is far bigger than anything I’ve done; so I really can’t front, but I can snicker. And snicker I did as she pranced around on stage while Bravo so obviously played her track over the action. I guess we’ll never find out if she lipsynched (as Gia and devil sister Milania predicted).

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Not So Sweet Caroline

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Not a huge amount happened on this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. It felt vaguely like a scrapheap episode, one formed from random odds and ends of footage. The focus began on Teresa and her brother Joe as they both agreed that therapy simply wasn’t for them. After all, it’s not like they had that much to work on. Just multiple generations of warped parenting and psychological warfare. Nothing that a few Coronas couldn’t patch up!

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Teresa vs. Jacqueline, Round 2

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You know what’s fun? When friendships totally fall apart. Actually, that’s not fun at all, and yet I’m thoroughly enjoying the disintegration of Teresa Giudice’s social life on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Last week, we saw Caroline declare that she would no longer be Teresa’s friend, and this week, it was Jacqueline’s turn at the defriend derby. It all happened in a pretty predictable way. At a release party for Melissa’s “On Display” single (still LOLing over that song), Jacqueline decided to chat with Tre to smooth things over. Naturally, Teresa demanded an apology right off the bat and accused Jackie of ambushing her. It never was totally clear what Teresa felt she was ambushed with because as far as we could tell, the only thing she had to face were a few honest questions (at least until Caroline materialized from the New Jersey ether and got all Manzo on her). Anyway, Jacqueline tried to explain that she hadn’t been ambushing Teresa, but you know how it is: in one ear, out another. Or actually, when it comes to Teresa: in one ear, bouncing around the hollow cavity that is her head, out another ear, and then finally caught and tangled in her distractingly low hairline.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Gay Pride & Prejudice

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Not a lot of drama on the latest episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, but it did prove to be one of the most emotional installments in recent times. It was all about the gays this week, starting with Rosie’s heart-wrenching tale of coming out as a lesbian, leading to Caroline’s brother’s gay wedding, and ultimately ending with a smack of homophobia courtesy of the most gay-lovin’ man on TV: Joe Giudice. Fun times had by all!

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Summer Solstice Feels As Cold As Winter

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Ah, the frustrating joys of watching Teresa Giudice argue. We got a double dose of that Sunday night (if you count Celebrity Apprentice) with our first blow-out screaming match of the season on Real Housewives of New Jersey. The quarrel was long and stupid, emphasis on stupid, which is more or less par for the course with these women (and pretty much all the women on Bravo).

It all can be traced back to Teresa telling her brother Joe that Melissa would leave him if she ever found a wealthier man. The comment was tasteless, and of course Joe told Melissa because, you know, they’re MARRIED. However, Teresa somehow thought that brother-sister confidentiality trumped all, and instead of owning up to her mean-spirited statement, she made this whole brouhaha a damning accusation on Joe Gorga and his loose lips.

Well, this utterly fascinating scandal came to a head at a Solstice Party of all places that was supposed to celebrate positivity and happiness. But like so many fashion shows and Christenings before it, this supposedly joyous event instead went down the shitter faster than you can say “I’m from Paterson, BITCH.”

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Ashley’s Leaving On A Jet Plane… We Think

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Ah, stupidity. As usual, much of it was on display this week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and while Teresa is normally the epicenter of the intellectual vacuum, it was truly Ashley who served as the black hole of cognitive processes. You see, she had a very simple task: get thee on an airplane. However, with the amount of difficulty she faced, you’d think she had just plunged right into the most challenging leg of The Amazing Race.

For those of you who may not remember, Ashley has spent the past three years being generally worthless: pulling bitches’ hair, complaining about life, pretending to be a model. Somewhere along the line her mother Jacqueline realized that perhaps disciplining her daughter with a steady stream of Range Rovers wasn’t quite working. And so Jackie and husband Chris announced that they were sending Ashley to a city known for its straight-and-narrow lifestyle: LAS VEGAS. That’ll reform her. Ashley, of course, would fit right in in Sin City, what with her porn star makeover; however, she was reticent to leave home, mainly because she knew she’d have to fend for herself in the real world and perhaps use her brain, which as of press time, seems to be on sabbatical somewhere in East Timor.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: We’re Going To Jersey Shore, Bitch!

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Guess who’s back? Well, you know the answer since you’re already reading this, but just in case you’re totally dense, it’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey! It felt like just yesterday that we were watching their tumultuous reunion as Teresa suddenly found herself the outcast of the group. Now, it’s just a few months later and the ladies are back. This fourth season premiere lacked the insane drama that we saw at the Gorga christening, but then again, what could possibly top that instant-classic moment in reality TV history? That’s okay though because this time around, we’re less concerned with fisticuffs and more with MYSTERIES. As in, how did things get so bad between Caroline and Teresa that they were screaming at each other at the reunion?

The only clue we have so far is that Caroline et co. were miffed about the stupid things — or perhaps jokes, depending on your perspective — Teresa wrote in her stupid book Fabulosity or whatever it’s called. The comments were certainly enough to make the Manzos mad, but would they alone push Caroline to a place of hatred? Hard to believe it, especially after all the women on the season premiere seemed eager to rise above Teresa’s idiocy. Clearly, things are going to get a whole lot dirtier. I personally can’t wait.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ REUNION PHOTOCAP: Teresa Faces The Fire

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Here’s a fun fact that my friend jash filled me in on: the character of “Boo” from Super Mario Bros. is actually called “Teresa” in Japan. It sort of makes sense if you think about it. After all, Teresa Giudice bears many similarities to that pixelated fiend. They’re both evil, they both have fangs, and they both cover their eyes when faced with reality (which in the case of the Nintendo game is represented by Mario’s mustachioed face). The point is this: if I’m in a dark castle, I don’t know which I’d be more scared of encountering — Teresa or a ghost named Teresa.

Yes, Teresa is a scary creature, and we were able to catch a glimpse of her frightening perceptions of reality last night on the reunion for The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The entire show played out as an extended us-against-Teresa bonanza, and as such, I enjoyed it thoroughly. I’ve never been shy about my distaste for Tre, but for two seasons, her stupidity had been out-crazied by the likes of Danielle Staub. Now with Public Enemy #1 out of Franklin Lakes, the spotlight has fallen on Teresa, and it seems like everyone is finally realizing what I’ve known all along: Teresa is awful. Oh look at me taking credit for being the first to realize this. How TRE of me.

Anyway, with the season over (the longest in the history of any Housewives franchise), Andy Cohen gathered most of the cast in Redbank, NJ to hash things out. Missing was Jacqueline, who apparently had just engaged in an epic blowout with Teresa the night before during taping for season four. She was so distraught that she simply could not appear on the reunion. Talk about clever marketing for next season.

After the jump, check out a photocap of the reunion, which more or less amounted to a lynching of Teresa. Of course, if you were to hear it from Teresa, she’d probably say that she came out on top…

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Closing The Book on Another Season

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The long and wonderful season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey came to an end this week, but not without one last dose of drama. And this wasn’t just any drama. This was BOOK drama — the kind these Jersey girls specialize in. This time around, the offending author was Teresa, whose cook book Fabulicious had just hit stores. In it, she takes cheap shots at Caroline, Christopher Manzo, and others — all under the guise of it being a “joke.” Maybe conversationally such jabs could pass as humor, but in a cook book? Not really. And thus Teresa committed the biggest sin of all: she crossed Mama Bear, and hell hath no fury like an angry Caroline.

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