REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Catalina Cat Fight

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At the end of last week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, we were left to wonder if Peggy and Alexis would begin choking each other’s throat at the mere sight of each other. The answer, in short, was no. This week, the two came face to distorted face at Vicki’s cajun party, and the two treated each other in a civil manner, with a few passive-aggressive barbs thrown in for good measure. To some this may have been viewed as a let down, but I was perfectly happy with the detente because I think I had no reasonable expectation that it would have been anything more than it was. Surely, had there been a major incident, we would have seen it in promos for months… YEARS perhaps. Nope, the only hostility that emerged from this dinner came from all the women versus the crawfish that were shoved in their faces. These stupid ladies turned their surgically enhanced noses up at the mere sight of the fish, as if it were somehow more horrific than digging into a clam or a mussel. Ah, but isn’t that the pleasure of watching Orange County? Dumb bitches saying dumb things in dumb situations. That’s a good time.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Orange You Glad They’re Back?

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The “First Ladies of Bravo” are back! Yes, The Real Housewives of Orange County aired its seventh season premiere last night, and as per the usual tradition, we had new faces (Heather Dubrow) and new faces (Gretchen Rossi). Actually, Gretchen’s face isn’t that new, but something’s going on in the mouth area, and I’m having difficulty pinpointing it. Did she have her lips done? Botox? Veneers? All of the above? Hard to say, but something ain’t the same with her Slade-slurper.

If you just grossed out by the notion of a “Slade-slurper,” I apologize. But please understand that it’s something that clearly happens. And yes, Slade is still hanging around. Gretchen loves him, which is great, but I, like Tamra, have yet to welcome him into my life (via TV). The guy gives me the heebie-jeebies, and I suspect his foray into standup comedy (as was teased at the end of the show) will hardly reverse my opinion. Poor Gretchen… she used to be so likable, but Slade continues to drag her down.

But let’s not talk about Slade. Let’s focus on Gretchen and her new ceasefire with Tamra. Yes, it seems like it’s happening at last. Tamra finally apologized for being a Grade-A C U Next Tuesday the past three years, and then after bestowing her former rival with some pink costume jewelry, Tam-Tam hugged it out and declared this a new beginning. Gretchen looked like she was ready to accept this, and thus we embarked on a new era… which may or may not last about forty-five minutes.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC REUNION PHOTOCAP: Awful People Yelling At Awful People

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For such a lackluster season, The Real Housewives of Orange County certainly ended strongly. Following the crazy season finale, we just had two back-to-back reunion episodes that were totally bonkers. The women were ready to reclaim their title as the bitchiest blondes on Bravo, and thanks to a particularly feisty Tamra, this reunion was full of catty confrontations and questionable allegations. It kind of melted my brain.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: I Thought This Was A Classy Party!

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“I thought this was a classy party,” Briana said during her mother Vicki’s party on last night’s season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County. In a season, nay, a franchise built on deluded comments, this may have been the most deluded comment of all. “Classy” is a virtue that disappeared from the OC long ago — somewhere between the umpteen sales for leopard print maxi-skirts and annual pilgrimages to Lake Havasu. The fact that Briana could ever think anything even resembling class could exist at her mom’s party was a major laughing point during an already hilarious episode.

As any avid Bravo viewer knows, last night was the much-hyped confrontation between Tamra and Jeana. It involved yelling, paper-throwin (memo to Tamra: fold your cease and desist into a paper airplane next time for better effect), and, of course, wine tossing. But there was oh so much more.

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Blonde Ambitions

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This may be a shocker, but The Real Housewives of Orange County is wrapping up next week. I can’t believe twelve episodes have already gone by — especially since this season felt anything but fast. Yes, the sixth cycle of the O.C. ladies has been one of the worst yet, and I’m not totally sure why. Well, I do have a few inklings. Problem #1: these women are more or less vapid. It’s fun to watch their tacky excess, but they don’t do anything with their lives, and one can only watch them loiter about in empty, oversized restaurants for so long. They aren’t inherently interesting anymore, and their conflicts now feel forced.

Problem #2: there’s no one to really like. Peggy has proven to be the best of the worst, but that’s really only because she does seem to have half a brain in her surgically enhanced head — and better yet, she’s become a rival to Alexis; so that’s always welcomed. As for Gretchen, she’s the former fan favorite, but she’s fallen far. She’s not awful, but she’s become the most boring of the group. Bravo doesn’t seem to realize that no one CARES about her and Slade. In fact, no one cares about Slade in general; so having to watch these two idiots sort out their personal business has about as much appeal as listening to Alexis opine on yoga pants and Luna bars (probably the only area where she’s vaguely an expert).

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Alexis Introduces Us To High Fashion (As In, You Have To Be High To Call It Fashion)

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I was in the midst of a cyber-attack last week, and so I never got around to writing about Peggy’s epic dinner party disaster on The Real Housewives of Orange County, but that’s okay because this week, we got to enjoy the repercussions. As you may remember, Alexis spent a majority of the dinner party locked in the bathroom, pining for her husband Jim, who had opted not to attend because he hates the catty women (probably because a) they are empowered, b) outspoken, and c) on to his shifty business). Left on her own for the first time, Alexis was a total mess, which made her more pathetic than usual — and that’s saying something. This week she revealed that the reason behind her hysteria was that she hated having to lie about her husband’s whereabouts and then she started to miss him, and with all these emotions bouncing around that cute, little head of hers, it was just too much to handle. Hence, the tears.

Alexis told this much to Peggy, but the Heidi Montag lookalike wasn’t having any of it. She noted that it was still rude of Jim not to come, and even though Alexis bristled at this notion, Peggy was totally correct. After all, even if Jim didn’t like Alexis’s friends, he still should have supported his wife and honored the invitation. That, however, would suggest that Jim is anything but self-interested, self-absorbed, and selfish.

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HOUSEWIFE HOEDOWN Ep. 18: Talking About Alexis Bellino, Dinner Parties, and the Glory of RHoNYC

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Video streaming by Ustream

In case you missed it, we taped another episode of Housewife Hoedown today. Joining me in the studio was Matt Whitfield, features editor at Yahoo! The two of us discussed the latest episode of Real Housewives of Orange County and New York City, with special attention paid to Alexis Bellino and her dinner party meltdown.

We received two calls, including one from my friend Neil, who shared his experiences with Ramona Pinot Grigio. Not only did he weigh in on the wine, but he told a most interesting story about its sales on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.

Check it all out in the video above, and remember you can watch live every week at 12:30 PDT at talkmedianetworks.com/live

HOUSEWIFE HOEDOWN, Episode 16: Talking About The RHoNYC Premiere!

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Video streaming by Ustream

In case you missed it, today I hosted yet another episode of Housewife Hoedown, the only web talk show devoted to all things Real Housewives. Joining me this week was my friend Marcos, who shared his very own special story of meeting Lisa VanderPump. Aside from that, we discussed the NYC premiere as well as the latest episode of Orange County.

Check it out! Hope you enjoy, and remember that you can always check the show out live (and call in!) every Wednesday at 3:30 PM ET / 12:30 PM PST at http://talkmedianetworks.com/live (except for next week when I’ll be on holiday in sunny Orlando, FL).

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Putting the Eh in España

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I don’t know what’s happened to our trusty Real Housewives of Orange County, but these bitches have been boring. There’s nothing terribly exciting to report from the cozy confines of Coto de Caza, and that must be what’s hurting the show. Vicki and Tamra have mildly interesting problems — one’s relationship is crumbling while the other’s is flourishing — but the rest of the gals have nothing even remotely fascinating to bring to the table. Alexis just wafts around like a dandelion seed — correction: a dandelion seed with boobs. She’s only entertaining when she’s in the context of Jim, but only because they’re so awful together. I suppose there is a mildly amusing aspect to watching her one-up Peggy, but it’s hard to make a full show out of that.

Peggy meanwhile seems to spend every episode fretting over a different medical malady. First it was postpartum depression. Then it was her daughter’s cut. Now it’s her boobs. She could certainly use a new hobby (said in a friendly, supportive, non-Bethenny-to-Jill way).

And then we have Gretchen, who we have enjoyed in seasons past, but this year seems a bit tiresome. The producers have her running off on dumb activities that all address her commitment issues with Slade — issues that the audience largely doesn’t care about. Is it so bad to ask for more content, Bravo? Last year we had Lynn struggling to keep her daughters in check (as well as the rent); we had Tamra battling it out with Simon and in turn Vicki, who in turn was clashing with Alexis. It was silly but real. This time around no one is doing anything, everyone is getting along, and vignettes of their lives just seem dull. Why, Orange County? You’re supposed to be the Varsity housewives. Must we lump you in with Miami and DC now?

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REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Tamra Strips Down For ‘No H8’, Hates

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God Bless America. It’s a land where dreams come true… unless your dream is to have Tamra make an appearance at your citizenship party. Alas, that’s what happened last night to poor, beautiful Fernanda, our sexy lesbian friend on The Real Housewives of Orange County. The Brazilian bombshell (who apparently enjoys clamshells) celebrated becoming an American citizen by throwing what may have been the saddest fête in the history of the Real Housewives franchise. Worse than DeShawn Snow’s charity fundraiser; worse than Lori’s stupid concert in season one, and worse than any dinner party Jill Zarin ever tried to coordinate. That’s because Fernanda only had about three people over, and the entire party budget seemed to have been spent on a sad, patriotic bow that was tied around a lamp.

Of course, many might think this humble affair was quite sweet. But let’s remember that this is The Real Housewives. Parties need shirtless bartenders, corporate sponsors, and perhaps a helicopter and/or poet and/or three story self-portrait and/or dinosaur skeleton to be deemed worthy. No wonder Tamra didn’t show up. Continue reading