HILLS PHOTOCAP: Audrina’s Lazy Susan of Douchebags Brings Justin Bobby Back Into The Fold

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I’m loving The Hills these days. Kristin’s bitchy demeanor has come into its own (much as it did on her second season of Laguna Beach), and the introduction of this Allie Lutz girl has been nothing but pure entertainment. It’s somewhat tragic that we seem to be limited to only one run-in per week between these two because when they go at it, America wins. On last night’s show, it was more of the same between them. The two encountered each other at local club MyHouse, and unsurprisingly, Allie felt the need to march up to Kristin to announce that there was no reason for them to hate each other. Kristin wasn’t having any of it and retorted that Allie was certifiably insane. There was much talk about an alleged diamond ring, but ultimately, Allie retreated to her seat with McKaela, who once again bore the brunt of the cool kids’ wrath. Didn’t she know not to bring loser Allie “around”? (I love that they talk as if they’re in some 1950s diner).

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: Breaking And Entering

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The big news on this week’s episode of The Hills is that Kristin’s newest, biggest enemy is a cougar with a California drawl and a penchant for trespassing. Allegedly. And technically the girl isn’t a cougar. She just plays one on TV. I’m talking about Allie Lutz, a blonde mason jar of a girl who made an unexpected arrival at Stephanie Pratt’s birthday (notably absent: Heidi and Spencer, who were thankfully MIA the entire episode for the third week in a row). Sporting tacky lipstick and a persnickety attitude, Allie did little to win over any new fans, and my goodness, she had an annoying voice, even for Hills standards.

Well, Kristin and Allie got into it at the bar, with Kristin accusing her rival of having broken into Brody’s house. Of course, Allie denied all charges, and I was inclined to believe her. After all, since when do cougars climb through windows? Clearly too many threats to the fake nails and Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Oh, but that’s right. Allie’s not 47. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one picking up on her aging-pornstar appearance. The other girls at the bar agreed that Allie looked like a washed up stripper, and all kidding aside, I really did think at first she was some mid-level personality from the adult entertainment industry. However, she wasn’t. She merely dressed like one. And poor, sweet McKaela was stuck with her, not realizing she had committed a crazy party foul by bringing this daffy trollop to the party. Bitch can’t catch a break.

Ultimately, McKaela and Kristin wound up hashing things out about Allie and Brody, with the Kristin informing the ingenue that if she kept bringing A-Lutz around, there were gonna be problems. Kristin was also happy to pop McKaela’s bubble when she theorized that the only reason why Brody had ever whispered sweet nothings in her ear was because — SHOCKER — he wanted to have sex with her. Too bad he was still knocking boots with Kristin. Woops.

As for the rest of the episode, there was some forgettable patter between Audrina, Ryan, and Justin Bobby, but as you can imagine, the extreme douchiness of these scenes forced my ear canals to swell shut and block out all auditory input. Funny how that happens. Nevertheless, not an exciting subplot. Heck, not an exciting episode (minus the Allie junk, which looks like the makings of a wonderfully campy rivalry). Hence the short recap.

Photos after the jump…

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: Brody Jenner Finds New Love, Suffers Hugging Drought

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I gotta admit that after last season of The Hills, I was ready to write the whole show off, but now in its final swan song, I’m kind of digging it again. Last week’s show (which I didn’t cover) featured a genuinely emotional moment as Holly, Stephanie, Audrina, Lo, and Kristin sat around and pondered the sad fate of Heidi and Spencer. It was a surprisingly enthralling scene, and for all the people who complain that the series is too scripted, the tears that Holly and Stephanie shed proved that the emotions are real (even if they flowed in a contrived circumstance).

This week’s episode was less emotional but still rather enjoyable. It featured the same mix of partying, squabbling, and candid conversations on sectional sofas (mmmm… sectional sofas. I want… sorry, I digress). Anyway, the big topic of discussion this time around had to do with love. Awwww. Isn’t it just so peachy when the denizens of The Hills get lusty in their loins? Stepping up to the Chatroulette that is Los Angeles were Stephanie Pratt and Brody Jenner — not together though. My goodness, that would be awful. Nope, each one of them was investigating new avenues of romance, and both faced some major challenges. For Stephanie, it was her checkered past. For Brody, it was Kristin. I think we can imagine how this all played out.

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: And Now There’s An Elephant on the Show

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What happens when you take an annoying six-year-old, a psychotic crystal enthusiast, a pair of giant boobs, and one very large elephant and put them together? You get a party at the Pratt’s! Such was the scene that unfolded midway through last night’s episode of The Hills, which saw the further psychological unraveling of Spencer. This time around he wasn’t blathering away about the transformative powers of rocks. Instead he was rambling like a maniac about the awfulness of Heidi’s mom, who he stated was merely a vessel — or specifically, a vagina — to bring Heidi into the world. More to the point, Spencer suggested the reason behind Darlene’s disappointment over her daughter’s new face and body was because she couldn’t play God and make the ideal Heidi. Of course, this introduces the notion that the plastic surgeon and/or Spencer ARE God because they could mold Heidi into perfection, but we won’t go there.

The point is that Spencer has gone a tad nuts, and if drugs aren’t the culprit, then perhaps it’s just bad genes. When he wasn’t hollering at sister-in-law Holly, he was sucking face with a lamb (yes, a lamb). And when he wasn’t getting some hot, ovine tongue action, he was slamming doors and making “WOOOOO” sounds like Whitney Houston. For her part, Heidi just sort of sat there frozen, which may or may not have been a byproduct of her surgery. It’s safe to say that things are not going well for the Pratts.

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: Crazy, Rumors

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Because of my traveling last week, I didn’t really get a chance to photocap the season premieres of The Hills or The City, but rest assured, both are off to strong starts. This is mildly surprising, given that The Hills descended into a vortex of suck last year, and I wasn’t totally sure it could pull itself out. Well, maybe my tolerance for douchebags has increased or maybe my resolve has worn down, but whatever the reason, I’ve been enjoying The Hills again. In no small part is that due to the increased bickering and cattiness we’ve seen as a result of a) Heidi’s surgeries, b) Kristin’s alleged drug use, and c) LO finally, finally making the opening credits. Of course, Lo getting her moment in the spotlight feels sort of like the pity varsity spot coaches give seniors in high school, but hey, that’s okay. It only took six years, but our girl is finally no longer a sidekick! Continue reading