JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: Snooki Desperately Seeks Rock Bottom, Not There Yet

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I haven’t posted about the Jersey Shore kids in a few weeks, but I can assure you that you’ve missed nothing. Sure, there was a car accident, and sure there were sapphic moments aplenty, but all in all, this season has been a little dull. I think it’s time to send this bunch of hooligans back to Jersey; I can’t imagine that Italy would complain. Over the past two weeks alone, these kids have been so embarrassing that I’m sure right now the Italians are saying, “You know, that Amanda Knox ain’t so bad.”

At the center of all the boozy activity has been Snooki. Two episodes ago, she and Deena went on a brutal bender that had them falling into bushes, dancing out of their britches, flashing their vags, and crawling into bed together for some “Lez-be-honest” activity, as Pauly D would say. They were a total mess, and I couldn’t fault the rest of the cast for being fed up with them. Side note: amidst this drunkenness, I did enjoy Pauly D taking a moment to observe that Ronnie always tries to steal his shtick (swagger jacking, or “swacking”). I’ve noticed this for a while now, and I wondered if I had been the only one. Apparently not. Reason #347 why Ronnie sucks.

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JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: Ron Again, Off Again

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Oh lucky us: we the TV viewers nabbed two episodes of Jersey Shore this week, and guess what? They all centered around the perpetual drama swirling around Ronnie and Sammi. For some reason I thought maybe, just maybe the two idiots wouldn’t knock boots again, but I should have known better / remembered the previews for the season. Yes, the lovebirds managed to enjoy all of about 36 hours in reunited bliss before all hell broke out in Florence. At the end of the day, tears were shed, roses trashed, and ambulances summoned.

Warning: epically long Sam & Ronnie dissection after the jump….

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JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: Twin-ter’s Bone

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SPOILER ALERT: Ronnie and Sammi are back together! That’s right: reality TV’s most dysfunctional, unlikable, and messy couple has reunited for the umpteenth time, despite previous proclamations of proud singlehood and steadfast independence. I can’t say I was terribly surprised by these developments on Jersey Shore. After all, Sammi is too decimated in the self-esteem department to move on, and Ronnie… well, I don’t know why Ronnie keeps going back to Sammi. I guess you can chalk it up to love. Or at least co-dependency. Or how about this: outright idiocy.

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JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: Florence and the Drinking Machines

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Not much happened on the latest episode of Jersey Shore, and what did happen felt all too familiar. Deena fell over. Ronnie got wasted. Sammi realized she still loved Ronnie. Deena fell over again. Situation got a blowjob. Deena fell a third time. Ronnie fell. Sammi fell. And J-Woww made coffee in the most unconventional of ways.

Along this journey, the kids learned how to make pizza and then erroneously referred to the Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore as the Vatican. Tsk tsk. Know your Pope!

Photocap after the jump… Continue reading

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JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: Trash TV, Italian Style

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Our favorite gelled up, boob-inflated mooks from Seaside Heights returned late last week with the rousing season premiere of Jersey Shore. This time, the gang headed East to the motherland, Italy, for some back-to-roots boozing and bacchanalia. I wasn’t sure how the rather refined locale of Florence would work on this decidedly low-market show, but so far, it seems to be okay. I mean, I prefer to see the Guidos in their own element, but given that MTV needs to film these kids during the beach off-season, Italy seems like at the very least a fascinating experiment.

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VIDEO: Watch the Official ‘Jersey Shore’ Season 4 Trailer!!

I was afraid the Jersey Shore season four move to Italy would be lame, but if this trailer is any indication, we’ve got plenty of fun drama coming our way. Here’s what we can glean from it:

  • Everyone’s hair is a little different. Not drastically, but enough that it makes you do the Neo-seeing-the-cat-twice-in-the-Matrix look. On that point, Ronnie seems to have had the most drastic change, forgoing his semi-military faux-hawk for… bangs? Yes, somewhere between a bowl cut and a fade lies Ronnie’s new ‘do. Not impressive.
  • Bad hair be damned, Ronnie still can pack a punch. Exhibit A: The Situation lying unconscious on the floor, only to be carted off on a stretcher in the next shot.
  • Ronnie and Sammi are still fighting, still insufferable. We see no hard evidence of this, but based on The Situation’s pre-knockout ranting, he looks like he’s been pushed to the limit with the Rammi dramz. Also, a quick look at the trashed surroundings suggest that Ronnie may have gone Hulk-SMASH on an unwitting bedroom again. Oooh, international ‘roid rage!
  • Snooki is more of a mess than ever. We thought her drunken face-plant on the beaches of Seaside Heights was a low point, but we were wrong. Of course we were wrong: Snooki always finds a new low point. This time around, she’s done something so awful that even her trusty friend J-WOWW has to yell at her.
  • Deena is still a drunken mess, perhaps even more so now
  • Pauly D is still a ham (and the most likable of the bunch).
  • Italy will never have Americans back.

What do you think about the trailer? Are you excited for Jersey Shore to come back?

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JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: A Not So Dormant Situation

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Guess what? Sammi and Ronnie fought on last night’s episode of Jersey Shore! Who would have thunk it? Things had started off so peacefully for the two idiots too. Actually, not really. The show opened with them still arguing over the whole Arvin situation from last week, and in case you forgot, the allegations were that Sammi had hit up The Situation’s friend Arvin and had invited him to Karma. When Ronnie found out, he flipped out (shocking!) and blamed Sammi of being inconsiderate of their love (news flash: they were single). After all, while Ronnie was crying and sending roses, Sammi was arranging her next hookup. Naturally, Sammi was a bitch.

But why was Ronnie crying again? Oh, because he had destroyed all of Sammi’s belongings and essentially scared her out of the house. But again, SHE’S in the wrong for hitting up a guy while she was single. Nevertheless, stupid Sammi wound up apologizing to Ronnie for hitting up Arvin (something that was well within her right as a single woman, mind you) and then admitted that had Ronnie done the same thing to her, she would have been livid. I believe her exact words were “I would have killed hah!” Truth be told, Ronnie has a right to feel burned by Sammi, and Sammi would have had a right to feel the same had the roles been reversed, but these two idiots must remember that they were broken up and that all’s fair in the single life. Continue reading

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JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: The Situation Caught That Bitch

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It was a return to the Ron and Sam show on last night’s Jersey Shore. For three-quarters of the episode, everything was fine and dandy between the two idiots; although, clearly drama was on the horizon — and I’m not just saying that because I saw the previews. The two slowly began to fall into old ways as they smooched drunkenly in a club. So much for Sammi’s independence. To her credit, she did push Ronnie away, but ever so slightly. Plus, she let the old crazy seep back into the dialogue when she harangued him for not chasing after her when she went home. Okay you crazy bitch, stop trying to convince us you’re independent when you say dumb stuff like that. It completely devalues her entire epiphany. After all, the reason she went home was supposedly to build herself up, but now we see it was merely a ploy to make Ronnie chase after her. Oh these women in abusive relationships — I realize they are damaged goods, but they are oh so frustrating too. Continue reading

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JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: Thank Goodness MTV Doesn’t Broadcast in Smell-O-Vision

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Oh snap! I just realized it’s Thursday, and I hadn’t done my Jersey Shore photocap from last week yet! I blame this squarely on the barista competition I judged which not only put me behind schedule, but also had me in a world of hurt last Thursday night. It’s like I blocked out any and all TV I watched that evening. Fear not: I will not forget this fine, fine program — one of the best on TV, I’d say. Yes, all you pop culture snobs may turn your nose up at the Seaside Heights antics, but Jersey Shore is wonderful, and I wholeheartedly back Rolling Stone’s decision to plop Snooki on its cover.

But I digress. This week’s episode was a rather drama-free experience. Ronnie spent the entire time trailing Sammi around like a puppy-dog, and of course it worked because by the end, Sammi was singing his praises once again. That’s all fine and good, but if she goes back to the big oaf, she’s an idiot (but what else is new?). We also learned that Snooki has a major crush on Vinny, or at least his manhood, and Deena is a terrible driver. No surprise there.

As for the toilet situation, the kids finally hired a plumber to clean their pipes, and a shocking discovery was made: the offending object clogging the toilet was apparently Vinny’s drawers. Someone, possibly Vinny but probably not, had flushed his undies down the drain. I blame either Snooki (acting out in a jealous rage) or one of the nameless lady-friends who parade through the house.

Also enduring a stinky fate was The Situation, who kicked a girl out of bed because she smelled too much like cheese. Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t the girl’s fault. Turns out Sammi, Snooki, and Ronnie had pranked Mike by sprinkling and smearing all sorts of fine cheeses on his mattress. Kind of gross, kind of hilarious. Anyway, on to the photocap… Continue reading

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JERSEY SHORE PHOTOCAP: The Calm Before The Storm?

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This week’s episode of Jersey Shore was a fairly low-key event. There was no fighting, no significant cockblocking, no noteworthy smooshing, no drunken foolishness. Just our favorite over-tanned buddies hanging out and having a good time. As a result, the installment veered on the boring side, but I gotta admit that I enjoyed the laziness of it all. Kind of reminded me of summer with my friends. Of course, the sad part is that I’ve started to identify these kids as my friends. Their inside-jokes become my inside-jokes; their dramas become my dramas; and their STDs, well, they get to keep those. Continue reading

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