THE HILLS FINALE PHOTOCAP: Goodbye, Sweet Hills

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I already posted a recap of The Hills finale, but MTV hadn’t posted pics yet from the episode. Now they’re up, which means that I can put a close to The Hills with one last photocap for old time’s sake.

After the jump, the end of an era. Sniff sniff…

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Spencer Pratt Crashes ‘Hills’ After-Party, Looks CRAZY

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I don’t know many details about this, but according to USA Today, Spencer Pratt tried to go to the Hills after party last night in Hollywood. Unsurprisingly, he was turned away at the door.

Upon seeing the above photo, Heidi’s reasons for divorce are now massively clear. Why even bother going through ten surgical procedures just to be stuck with what appears to be the offspring of Santa Claus and the Yeti.

But wait! According to People, Spencer’s crazy appearance was merely a costume intended to help him get into the Roosevelt Hotel. And MSNBC reports that Spencer told fans outside the Roosevelt that “I’m legally released now to be free in America. Freedom of speech. So you can hear my obnoxious mouth on a whole, grander scale!” The whole thing is sort of bonkers and pathetic. But sadly not unexpected.

Crystals FAIL.

MSNBC: Spencer Pratt makes a scene at ‘Hills’ party
People: Spencer Pratt’s Wacky Night at The Hills Finale

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THE HILLS FINALE RECAP: The Rest Is Still Unwritten

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And now it’s over. Last night, The Hills sadly went off the air, capping a television season that saw many heavy hitters (Lost, 24, and Law & Order) go the way of the dodo. It was a bittersweet moment for me. Bitter because the show I had loved (and occasionally loved to hate) was now gone. Sweet because, well, I don’t know. Scratch that. THIS WAS AN ALL BITTER EXPERIENCE, AND NOW I’M ANGRY. Why must the TV gods yank this series from the airwaves, especially when it had just found its voice again in the past few weeks?

Alas, all good things must come to an end, and truth is that prior to its late-run rejuvenation, The Hills was kind of running on fumes. Plus, media awareness of the cast and all their lives really undermined any element of surprise, which is maybe why last night’s finale lacked some of the drama that perhaps was intended. The whole premise was that the central clique of girls — Kristin, Audrina, Steph, and Lo — were suddenly, for no apparent reason on screen, at a crossroads in their life. They had reached a quarter-life crisis, one that no doubt was spurred on by MTV’s decision to cancel the show. Now they all wanted to figure out what to do with their lives (ie. pitch their next reality show projects), which meant it was time to “move on.”

Now, I realize that at the ripe old age of 31 I may be over the hill, but when I hit 25, my friends and I didn’t suddenly raise a glass to the good times and decide to hit the road. But this was the finale; so I suppose we can suspend disbelief and pretend like these women were all on the verge of disappearing into the ether that had swallowed up Lauren Conrad whole.

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THE HILLS PHOTOCAP: Most Depressing Episode EVER

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There’s only one, one, episode left of The Hills, and I’m starting to get a little misty-eyed. Where else am I going to get my weekly dose of grungy douchebags galavanting about Hollywood with no discernible direction in their lives? I suppose I could just, you know, step outside my apartment to find that, but it’s not as fun when I have to encounter it in real life. Nevertheless, the show is about to disappear forever, and perhaps the cast is realizing that their stars are about to fade away significantly. Why else would last night’s penultimate episode have been SO DAMN DEPRESSING?

The biggest downer came from Kristin, who revealed that she did truly want to have a relationship with Brody. Sucks for her though because the Brodester is dating some mystery girl now (my money’s on LC. The dramatic reveal in the finale would be too great for MTV to pass up, even if the two aren’t dating in real life). Brody first told his boyz about the secret lady friend while visiting a body shop that Sleazy-T apparently works at. And yes, in case you forgot, Brody’s new thing is to be all about Hemis and motorcycles. Why? I don’t know. But when one is a mercurial spirit like Brody Jenner, one never knows what douchey interests might surface in his life.

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: Audrina’s Lazy Susan of Douchebags Brings Justin Bobby Back Into The Fold

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I’m loving The Hills these days. Kristin’s bitchy demeanor has come into its own (much as it did on her second season of Laguna Beach), and the introduction of this Allie Lutz girl has been nothing but pure entertainment. It’s somewhat tragic that we seem to be limited to only one run-in per week between these two because when they go at it, America wins. On last night’s show, it was more of the same between them. The two encountered each other at local club MyHouse, and unsurprisingly, Allie felt the need to march up to Kristin to announce that there was no reason for them to hate each other. Kristin wasn’t having any of it and retorted that Allie was certifiably insane. There was much talk about an alleged diamond ring, but ultimately, Allie retreated to her seat with McKaela, who once again bore the brunt of the cool kids’ wrath. Didn’t she know not to bring loser Allie “around”? (I love that they talk as if they’re in some 1950s diner).

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: Justin Bobby’s Back. Again.

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Do not adjust your televisions. Justin Bobby has come back to The Hills, which may or may not explain that wafting stank emanating from your entertainment center. Yes, the oft-dirty, oft-annoying ex-boyfriend of Audrina made his triumphant return to the series last night, and lucky us, we got two douches (viz. Ryan Cabrera) for the admission price of one. The settup was simple. Audrina suddenly had a job at Epic again, and as part of her responsibilities, she needed to check out some band named Purple Melon at the Viper Room. She brought Lo and Steph along for the ride, and then wouldn’t you know it? Justin Bobby’s band took the stage after Purple Melon had taken their bows. This led to the usual sequence of events. First Audrina felt awkward and wanted to leave. Then she began smiling. And then she was back in love all over again. Meanwhile, we had to sit and watch as every cutaway to Justin Bobby revealed him in less and less clothing (and more and more sweat).

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: And Now There’s An Elephant on the Show

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What happens when you take an annoying six-year-old, a psychotic crystal enthusiast, a pair of giant boobs, and one very large elephant and put them together? You get a party at the Pratt’s! Such was the scene that unfolded midway through last night’s episode of The Hills, which saw the further psychological unraveling of Spencer. This time around he wasn’t blathering away about the transformative powers of rocks. Instead he was rambling like a maniac about the awfulness of Heidi’s mom, who he stated was merely a vessel — or specifically, a vagina — to bring Heidi into the world. More to the point, Spencer suggested the reason behind Darlene’s disappointment over her daughter’s new face and body was because she couldn’t play God and make the ideal Heidi. Of course, this introduces the notion that the plastic surgeon and/or Spencer ARE God because they could mold Heidi into perfection, but we won’t go there.

The point is that Spencer has gone a tad nuts, and if drugs aren’t the culprit, then perhaps it’s just bad genes. When he wasn’t hollering at sister-in-law Holly, he was sucking face with a lamb (yes, a lamb). And when he wasn’t getting some hot, ovine tongue action, he was slamming doors and making “WOOOOO” sounds like Whitney Houston. For her part, Heidi just sort of sat there frozen, which may or may not have been a byproduct of her surgery. It’s safe to say that things are not going well for the Pratts.

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HILLS PHOTOCAP: Crazy, Rumors

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Because of my traveling last week, I didn’t really get a chance to photocap the season premieres of The Hills or The City, but rest assured, both are off to strong starts. This is mildly surprising, given that The Hills descended into a vortex of suck last year, and I wasn’t totally sure it could pull itself out. Well, maybe my tolerance for douchebags has increased or maybe my resolve has worn down, but whatever the reason, I’ve been enjoying The Hills again. In no small part is that due to the increased bickering and cattiness we’ve seen as a result of a) Heidi’s surgeries, b) Kristin’s alleged drug use, and c) LO finally, finally making the opening credits. Of course, Lo getting her moment in the spotlight feels sort of like the pity varsity spot coaches give seniors in high school, but hey, that’s okay. It only took six years, but our girl is finally no longer a sidekick! Continue reading

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