There were all sorts of big moments for The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night. Melissa Gorga finally put herself on display on display at Beatstock, a gig that attracted 10,000 festivalgoers, at least according to her. One look at the empty seats beyond the mosh pit seemed to indicate otherwise. Poor Melissa (and Gia) were clearly scheduled so early in the program that probably only a hundred people had even bothered to show up yet. I don’t know why no one was there though. Aside from the Gorga-Giudice family stage presence, the official Beatstock 2011 lineup was a veritable who’s who of ’90s superstars: Shaggy, Robin S, Crystal Waters, Ultra Naté, and Corina. SIGN ME UP. Not even joking. To be fair, Kelly Rowland also appeared… but so did the Cover Girls and other such luminaries as Qwote (?), Joe Zangie (?), and someone named Mike Hush (shhh).

Nevertheless, Melissa performing at Beatstock is far bigger than anything I’ve done; so I really can’t front, but I can snicker. And snicker I did as she pranced around on stage while Bravo so obviously played her track over the action. I guess we’ll never find out if she lipsynched (as Gia and devil sister Milania predicted).

Continue reading →

Tweet

You know what’s fun? When friendships totally fall apart. Actually, that’s not fun at all, and yet I’m thoroughly enjoying the disintegration of Teresa Giudice’s social life on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Last week, we saw Caroline declare that she would no longer be Teresa’s friend, and this week, it was Jacqueline’s turn at the defriend derby. It all happened in a pretty predictable way. At a release party for Melissa’s “On Display” single (still LOLing over that song), Jacqueline decided to chat with Tre to smooth things over. Naturally, Teresa demanded an apology right off the bat and accused Jackie of ambushing her. It never was totally clear what Teresa felt she was ambushed with because as far as we could tell, the only thing she had to face were a few honest questions (at least until Caroline materialized from the New Jersey ether and got all Manzo on her). Anyway, Jacqueline tried to explain that she hadn’t been ambushing Teresa, but you know how it is: in one ear, out another. Or actually, when it comes to Teresa: in one ear, bouncing around the hollow cavity that is her head, out another ear, and then finally caught and tangled in her distractingly low hairline.

Continue reading →

Tweet

Ah, the frustrating joys of watching Teresa Giudice argue. We got a double dose of that Sunday night (if you count Celebrity Apprentice) with our first blow-out screaming match of the season on Real Housewives of New Jersey. The quarrel was long and stupid, emphasis on stupid, which is more or less par for the course with these women (and pretty much all the women on Bravo).

It all can be traced back to Teresa telling her brother Joe that Melissa would leave him if she ever found a wealthier man. The comment was tasteless, and of course Joe told Melissa because, you know, they’re MARRIED. However, Teresa somehow thought that brother-sister confidentiality trumped all, and instead of owning up to her mean-spirited statement, she made this whole brouhaha a damning accusation on Joe Gorga and his loose lips.

Well, this utterly fascinating scandal came to a head at a Solstice Party of all places that was supposed to celebrate positivity and happiness. But like so many fashion shows and Christenings before it, this supposedly joyous event instead went down the shitter faster than you can say “I’m from Paterson, BITCH.”

Continue reading →

Tweet

Ah, stupidity. As usual, much of it was on display this week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and while Teresa is normally the epicenter of the intellectual vacuum, it was truly Ashley who served as the black hole of cognitive processes. You see, she had a very simple task: get thee on an airplane. However, with the amount of difficulty she faced, you’d think she had just plunged right into the most challenging leg of The Amazing Race.

For those of you who may not remember, Ashley has spent the past three years being generally worthless: pulling bitches’ hair, complaining about life, pretending to be a model. Somewhere along the line her mother Jacqueline realized that perhaps disciplining her daughter with a steady stream of Range Rovers wasn’t quite working. And so Jackie and husband Chris announced that they were sending Ashley to a city known for its straight-and-narrow lifestyle: LAS VEGAS. That’ll reform her. Ashley, of course, would fit right in in Sin City, what with her porn star makeover; however, she was reticent to leave home, mainly because she knew she’d have to fend for herself in the real world and perhaps use her brain, which as of press time, seems to be on sabbatical somewhere in East Timor.

Continue reading →

Tweet