Well, The Real Housewives of Orange County have gone up to Whistler for one of their looniest vacations of all time. This two-episode bonanza wasn’t as crazy as, say, anything we’ve seen from New York (Scary Island remains the high watermark for Real Housewives vacations), but from Vicki screaming about multiple partners on the bunny slope to Tamra getting her tongue stuck on a wall, this has been one strange jaunt. I, of course, loved every minute of it.
Hot in Cleveland just got a lot colder with the arrival of Heather Dubrow on this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Yes, the former sitcom star (or perhaps appear-er) made her triumphant return to THE STAGE with a guest role on the TV Land sitcom seemingly tailored for her. Heather played some lady who was hellbent on landing a gig on The Real Housewives of Tampa, which of course is fictional — and yet I’d watch it.
Nevertheless, the whole gang headed up to LA for the second week in a row. This is like when black bears invade suburbia and everyone panics. I truly fear an infestation. Maybe we should erect a fence on the Orange Couny line. Sounds cruel, but you know 75% of the county voted to barricade Mexico; so they should be fine with it.
Anyway, Heather did just fine in her guest gig, and in the end, all was well with her and Terry (not to mention Vicki and Tamra, who seemed to lightly bury the hatch). In other news, Lauri Waring Peterson emerged from her money crypt to tell Tamra that she didn’t like Vicki anymore. Slade, meanwhile, surprised Gretchen with a very special birthday present: a new Rolls-Royce! And wait, there was a second surprise: Gretchen would have to pay for it! Oh, and a third surprise: it’s only a lease! Gentleman of the year!
CUT Fitness is off to a great start! Yes, The Real Housewives of Orange County put the fit in fitness this week when Tamra had a disastrous launch event of sorts in the future home of her exercise studio. The problems began when Vicki asked if she could invite Tamra’s new arch-nemesis Alexis to the event, and claiming to be caught off guard, Tamra had said yes. Well, she soon regretted her decision to allow Jesus Jugs into her facility, and perhaps for good reason. It wasn’t long before Alexis began squawking about feeling “boolied,” a term that sent smoke out of the ears of Tamra, Gretchen, and Heather. This inevitably led to screaming, pointing, and Tamra’s much publicized ejection of Lady Bellino. It was certainly an explosive end to an episode, but just as noteworthy was the awkward and tense build up, which featured the women sitting around on couches, barely containing their rage. Basically, we were one Andy Cohen short of an actual reunion.
At least we had Lydia, who sweetly attempted to spur on some light conversation, but her attempts were thwarted by Gretchen, who replied with curt, bitchy remarks (usually supported by a nasty glare from Heather and Tamra). It was awful. And yet… awesome. This was one warehouse party I could defiitely get behind.
Well, it’s springtime, which means one thing: allergies. And who better to personify itchy eyes and stuffy noses than The Real Housewives of Orange County. Yes, our favorite trashy blondes are back, and this time we have a new face: Vicki’s! The grand doyenne of housewifes has plumped up her chin, adjusted her eyes, and generally moved her face into a vaguely Joan-van-Ark territory (with a dash of Mickey Rourke). To Vicki’s credit though, she’s been totally upfront and proud of her surgery; so I really can’t ding her too much… even if she does leave me with horrific nightmares.
As for other new faces, we met also Lydia McLaughlin — an airy, seemingly sweet and goofy Christian girl with a handsome husband and a voice that would grate Jennifer Tilly. The jury’s still out on whether or not she’s awful, but so far, Lydia appears to be generally harmless. I mean all we really know about her is that she likes boats, lemon drops, and Jesus. And she seems to have the motor skills of one of those dashboard hula dancers. Nevertheless, I’m sure she’ll turn into a monster (just look at Heather, who has blossomed into an insufferable shrew in her second season).
It’s the sixty-ninth episode of Watch What Crappens! Check out the deets of this super-sized show:
We never thought we’d make it to the ripe old age of 69, but here we are! And we’re celebrating BIG this time! Special celebrity guests call in, and we have a live performance by someone super important (in her own tiny brain.)
With all that going on, we still find time to talk RHOC, RHOA Reunion Part One and RHOBH Lost Footage. Of course, there’s a special replay of the Married to Medicine fight as well. Come on in!
The Real Housewives of Orange County was a veritable smorgasbord of dumb drama last night, and that’s usually the way it goes with these flaxen bitches, who perennially rally to give us the craziest season finales year after year. Last week, Earth nearly came to a halt when it was discovered that resident drunkard / swamp person Sarah had broken off a bow from Heather’s expensive cake. The fondant fiasco continued this week into part two this of the finale when Sarah tromped her way into a kitchen and attempted to plead her case again, still incredulous that her penchant for grazing on sugary playthings had caused such offense.
Oh mah gah. What a silly, spectacular way to kick off the Real Housewives of Orange County finale. I could talk about all the bizarre things like the return of Jeana, Slade’s weird turtleneck, Vicki’s new granny-tranny fur, and the Barney-Keough peace treaty of 2012, but let’s be honest: we only care about one thing and one thing only.
At the end of the day, the only thing people are really going to be talking about is that idiot drunkard Sarah and her flagrant fondant sabotage. In case you missed it, the girl snapped a piece of fondant bow off Heather’s fancy cake, and being the control-freak (and subscriber to basic etiquette) that she is, Heather freaked out. Honestly, I would have been mad too. If you shell out $5,000 for a cake, you don’t want some uninvited alky pickin’ away at your money’s worth.
Heather tried to play it cool at first, but leave it to trashy Tamra Barney to push the confrontation. She dragged the glassy-eyed Sarah over to the group and asked her if she’d eaten some of the bow. Sarah said she did, and then unapologetically lashed out at Heather, who at first politely expressed disdain for the act.
After last week’s krunko-Bunco party (and yes, I did just coin that term), things settled down on Tuesday’s Real Housewives of Orange County. We dealt with the aftermath of Briana’s major surgery as well as the more amusing recovery process of Alexis’s minor procedure. It should be noted that while Briana had her janky thyroid and lymph nodes removed — requiring delicate neck surgery — she returned home and slipped into bed with little more than a few bottles of water, a pillow, and her mom doting on her. Alexis, meanwhile, had a full-on nurse to tend to her nose job, and while I believe she was in great pain, it was hard to drum up too much sympathy for her in the wake of Briana’s harrowing hospital experience. Leave it to Alexis to still try to one-up someone else.
I think we’d all like to forget Slade Smiley’s foray into standup last week (in fact, I think we’d all like to forget Slade Smiley in general), but alas, there appears to be no death for his comedy, which makes sense given his inability to kill it at the Improv. See what I did there? Anyway, this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County dealt mainly with the fallout of Slade’s set, which, for those of you who don’t remember, dealt primarily with making fun of Tamra and Vicki. It was only a matter of time before news of this vicious comedy routine got back to the women, and in fact, the episode kicked off with Heather divulging all to Tamra (despite her assurances that she wasn’t trying to incite drama). Well, this did not make Tamra all too happy, but in a shocking change of behavior, she opted not to launch a bitter war against Gretchen. Instead she called her up and voiced her displeasure. Gretchen totally empathized and claimed she had no idea it was coming, but of course, this was a mere half truth since she pretty much knew Slade had this plan up his sleeve the entire time.
And this highlights once again why Slade is awful. Despite the fact that Gretchen had implored him to not make fun of the women in his horrific act, he went on and did it anyway, which was not only déclassé but totally disrespectful to his girlfriend’s wishes. Of course, the most offensive part was how unfunny the whole bit was, but that’s a whole other issue. At the end of the day, Slade’s night at the Improv merely underscored that he’s still the bitter asshole we remember from season one, and no matter how hard he tries to appear goofy and fun and silly, he’ll always be awful. And unemployed.
The “First Ladies of Bravo” are back! Yes, The Real Housewives of Orange County aired its seventh season premiere last night, and as per the usual tradition, we had new faces (Heather Dubrow) and new faces (Gretchen Rossi). Actually, Gretchen’s face isn’t that new, but something’s going on in the mouth area, and I’m having difficulty pinpointing it. Did she have her lips done? Botox? Veneers? All of the above? Hard to say, but something ain’t the same with her Slade-slurper.
If you just grossed out by the notion of a “Slade-slurper,” I apologize. But please understand that it’s something that clearly happens. And yes, Slade is still hanging around. Gretchen loves him, which is great, but I, like Tamra, have yet to welcome him into my life (via TV). The guy gives me the heebie-jeebies, and I suspect his foray into standup comedy (as was teased at the end of the show) will hardly reverse my opinion. Poor Gretchen… she used to be so likable, but Slade continues to drag her down.
But let’s not talk about Slade. Let’s focus on Gretchen and her new ceasefire with Tamra. Yes, it seems like it’s happening at last. Tamra finally apologized for being a Grade-A C U Next Tuesday the past three years, and then after bestowing her former rival with some pink costume jewelry, Tam-Tam hugged it out and declared this a new beginning. Gretchen looked like she was ready to accept this, and thus we embarked on a new era… which may or may not last about forty-five minutes.