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Exciting news, 24 fans! I found Renee Walker's Facebook page!! Click on the pic above to see a full-sized image of the page (or at least as much as I could grab with a screen shot). If you haven't seen last night's show, however, be warned that there ARE spoilers!!

P.S. -- I'm finally caught up on the season. A recap will be forthcoming...

Breaking news! According to Reality Blurred, androgynous Top Model mainstay "Miss J"Alexander has been demoted from judge to mentor, thus meaning we'll be deprived of some of the runway coach's more thoughtful insights such as "She done better show that BOOTY!" or "TWEET TWEET TWEET LIKE A BIRD, GIRL!" or "That's not a model face, that's a model TRAIN face! Because that face is a TRAIN WRECK! TOOOT TOOOOOT TOOOOOOOT!!! She crashed into a cow on the train tracks with her face! And that cow was her body because she got a cow body! MoooOOOO!!!"

Taking over the vacant spot on the panel will be fashion personality André Leon Talley, who certainly is no less annoying than Miss J, but at least he has some clout in the industry to legitimize himself.

When asked to comment about his demotion, Miss J merely replied "OOOOooooooOOOOoooOOOOOO child!!!", later adding "He done better get his booo-booo-BOOO on the mmmmHMMMMM, weeeeeOOOOOweeee." He then fluttered his eye lashes, patted his hair, and said "This is a hot mess right here, that's what it is." At which point Tyra appeared out of nowhere to announce, "You so crazy, Miss J!" causing Miss J to respond, "Crazy like a fool! CUCKOOO! CUCKOO!! CUCKOO!!!" This in turn caused Tyra to repeatedly thrust herself forward like a fierce cuckoo bird, with Miss J shouting "WURK IT! WURK IT!" with each surge forward.

Actually, none of that happened, but to read more, check out the full story here.

After last week's awesome series premiere, Kell On Earth returns tonight with a whole new hour of footage that will hopefully feature Kelly Cutrone screaming at every mortal soul around her. If the preview clips are any indication, she'll certainly be flipping her shit at least once or twice tonight, especially when the interns en masse screw up a vital gift bag project. The video above shows the lead up to what will surely be a withering attack, but sadly, it cuts away before we can see Kelly truly lay into the newbies.

After the jump are two more clips. One features a model collapsing off camera, and the other shows crowd control in the wake of last week's list mishaps getting out of hand. My excitement knows no bounds!

Well, football season officially closed out last night with a fantastic Super Bowl, courtesy of the Indianapolis Colts and the new world champions New Orleans Saints. It was an overall exciting game, albeit perhaps a little low-scoring given the numbers the two powerhouse quarterbacks usually put up. Nevertheless, one can't complain about an epic showdown by two perfectly matched teams who went nearly the entire regular season with undefeated records.

Okay, I take that back. One can complain, and quite vociferously, I might add. Not about the game itself, mind you, but instead the various musical acts surrounding it. And the commercials too (although, they also deserve some praise).

I suppose it all begins with Steve Winwood, an aging rock star whose hits ("The Finer Things," "Valerie") I've quietly championed for some time. I won't lie: I thought he was the best thing ever in 1988, and quite honestly, he'd done little in the past twenty-two years to sway my opinion on that front. Well, unfortunately, that nifty preconception was completely destroyed yesterday when the guy appeared on a Super Bowl pre-show to sing my favorite of his songs, "Higher Love." And by "sing," I mean "butcher," because that's exactly what Steve Winwood did to this beloved song, nay, ANTHEM of my life. His voice, as expected, was not nearly as strong as it used to be, but that wasn't truly the problem. As gravelly as Señor Winwood had become, he still could hit most of his notes (unlike his comrades in The Who). The real tragedy was that he opted to mix up the tune's musical arrangement, giving it a jazzy Latin flair that did little but make the entire experience feel like some ill-conceived lobby act in a suburban Wichita Holiday Inn. Trust me, I did try to fend off all my snarky rebukes of the performance, lest I face the brutal reality that Steve Winwood is now over the hill, but as I watched him growling at his piano, floppy curls blowing this way and that, I just had to admit that the GOW (Glory of Winwood) had passed. It didn't help matters that every backing musician around him looked like they were on break from their real job working as a server at some West Palm Beach retirement community. Meanwhile, the crowd was hardly having any of this disaster. I think I've seen more emotion from the rocks at Stonehenge. It was total, horrific sadness.

Last night's episode of Modern Family wasn't out of this world, but I greatly appreciated the writers' insistence on making Sofia Vergara say "cupcake" as often as possible.

After the jump, my favorite line of the night.

If the previews are any indication, we are in store for quite the episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County tonight. Not only do we see Lynne get evicted, but there are going to be fights galore during one ill-fated dinner party. And guess what? Vicki's at the center of them all! This is what we call a good time. Above, check out an über-awkward interaction between Vicki, Simon, and Tamra. The longer you watch it, the worse it gets. It's sort of a despicable video -- if only because any footage that makes me feel bad for Tamra is one that I detest.

After the jump is a strange clip featuring Tamra and Simon going on a motorcycle jaunt. It ends with Tamra about to reveal what sounds like a scandalous secret, but I'm sure we'll find out her shady revelation is that she bought Simon a watch or something. Whatever it is, I'm prepared to be let down.

One of my cardinal flaws is that I don't watch Lost. I've seen some episodes, but it just really never spoke to me. It's not that I'm opposed to the show -- maybe down the line I'll someday rent it all and catch up with pop culture -- but for now, I'm happily Dharma free. That being said, when my friend Jen posted pictures of her Lost premiere party from last night, even I could appreciate the effort involved.

After the jump, some photos of Jen's creativity, including a very impressive smoke monster.

Everyone should watch Cougar Town tonight. Why? Well, aside from the fact that the show has been steadily improving on the funny front, tonight's episode has been written by occasional B-Side Blog personality (not to mention my close friend) sawgee. Even more importantly, this is the first episode of anything he's written to air on network TV; so it's kind of a big deal for him career-wise. Let's help him out and get him the best ratings possible. Tune in at 9:30 PM tonight on ABC.

For a preview of tonight episode, check out the show's website here. I would have embedded the video, but the geniuses at ABC.com don't provide code for that. I mean, because who would ever want a promo video to be accessed as easily as possible? Sorry. I'm bitter on account of not having had breakfast yet. Will eat shortly.

In conclusion, watch Cougar Town tonight and then write ABC a letter about how much you enjoyed the episode.

At long last, Kelly Cutrone's new Bravo series Kell On Earth premiered last night, and it was pretty much everything I could have wanted. The entire episode was one big tea kettle of stress, slowly bubbling away over the course of sixty minutes until finally the pressure was too great, leading Kelly to flip her shit in one of her most seething blow-ups I'd ever seen (if you're still following the metaphor, that was the moment that the teapot began to whistle). Even better, I got the distinct impression that this explosion was just a little nothing on the Kelly scale. Oh, I can only imagine what treats will be in store for us over the course of the season.

This weekend, the blogosphere, Twitter, and Facebook all lit up with talk of the GRAMMYS, and while the show was certainly impressive -- what with its feats of acrobatic placenta symbolism, courtesy of Pink -- the real entertainment this weekend came from a smaller, sadder, but no less iconic ceremony: Miss America 2010. The show, long mired in old-fashioned values and schmaltzy production values, has proven itself to be perfect fodder to judgmental jerks like me, and this year was no exception. For those of you who missed this most celebrated of pageants, fear not. I have a full photocap after the jump...

The ongoing saga of Lynne and her daughter Alexa ratcheted up in intensity last night on The Real Housewives of Orange County as the two butted heads more ferociously than ever before. It began in the car with Lynne (who drives like an old lady) insisting that her daughter didn't respect her enough. Alexa, meanwhile, countered that she felt like no one paid attention to her, a notion that was perhaps reinforced by Lynne promptly cutting her daughter off and insisting that they go shopping.

There wasn't much purchasing going on in the South Coast Plaza Mall, however, because the two women soon wound up on a bench where further accusations from both parties fell on deaf ears. Alexa again demanded attention, Lynne again demanded respect, and the whole thing culminated with Alexa calling her mom a bitch. This was what I like to call a record scratch moment -- one that I thought would push Lynne to a breaking point. However, instead of snapping back with an angry rebuke (take away that trollop's cell phone, lady!), Lynne just sighed and hung her head in her hands. She explained to us via interview that she was in such a state of shock that she didn't know what to say. That of course is part of the problem. If I told a friend she was a bitch (and actually meant it), she would probably be similarly shocked. If I told my mom that -- even now at 31 -- she would NOT have it. And thus based on that non-scientific evidence, I'd say Lynne's problem is that she sees herself as the friend, not the parent. But we all knew that.

One of the more compelling threads running through this season of The Real Housewives of Orange County has been the very real, very disturbing relationship between Lynne and her youngest daughter Alexa. On the one hand, we have a rebellious kid oozing with entitlement and refusing to respect her parents in any way. On the other hand, we have a hands-off momma afraid to put her foot down and prone to occasional bouts of passive-aggression. Where does the fault lie for this mess? Hard to say. But I think we can probably point the finger in Lynne's general direction.

Nevertheless, in this week's two preview clips, we delve deeper into this growing vortex of sadness. Above, check out video of Lynne attempting to reach out to her daughter, culminating in a somewhat shocking response from Alexa (which in turn receives an even MORE shocking/pathetic reaction from Lynne). After the jump, tensions flare between Gretchen and Lynne yet again as the two butt heads on proper parenting. Cursing and finger-pointing ensue...

Apologies for taking a week off on the American Idol coverage last week. I fell woefully behind on my DVR and writing (I still haven't watched any of this season of 24 yet, but don't worry, I'm gonna chip away at it as soon as I'm done with this post; hopefully with a recap soon). Anyway, I can't remember much from last week anyway except that I thought Shania Twain was a great guest judge full of presence, warmth, and well-stated criticism. She was and continues to be my favorite stand-in so far -- certainly better than Posh Spice, who succeeded in sucking most of the life and energy out of Idol's season premiere. And certainly better than Avril Lavigne, who appeared on the first half of last night's show wearing a silly hoodie with devil horns. Get it? Because she was gonna be mean. Oh that Avril Lavigne. If anyone knows subtlety, it's her.

One thing that must be said about Lil' Avs, she certainly wasn't shy, which I laud. She certainly said her piece, never fearing to speak up and get right to the heart of the matter. Unfortunately, Avril also happened to be totally obnoxious, frequently channelling the mean girls that she so often skewers in her music. Watching her and Kara snicker to themselves whenever a disaster came on stage felt a bit cruel, even for Idol standards. Meanwhile, Kara needs to stop mouthing along to every damn audition. Yes, lady, we know you know the song. And yes, we know you want to sing it. But for crying out loud, you're the judge, not the applicant. CLOSE YOUR LIPS.

This week's installment of The Real Housewives of Orange County was all about testing the boundaries (hence the episode title, "No Boundaries"). First, we had Gretchen's friend pushing the limits of proper etiquette by allegedly flirting with Alexis's husband (but who wouldn't, right ladies? Right??), and then we had Lynne's daughter Alexa full on challenging her parents to establish any sort of boundaries whatsoever. In between, there was some general cattiness on the Gretchen/Tamra front -- as well as some questionable declarations by Vicki about being a nicer person -- but nothing terribly compelling. The real heart and soul of the episode were the various trials and tribulations of Alexis and Alexa, the latter of whom actually provided some fascinating TV.

Watching Snooki dance alone on the Seaside Heights boardwalk last week, I immediately thought of one thing: this classic YouTube video of a pseudo-Pauly D shaking his thang in a similar beachside community; albeit in Mexico, not Jersey. Perhaps someday these two rhythm lovers will meet. Until then, we'll just have the memories of their moves.

Sadness. The first pure, "innocent" season of Jersey Shore has come to an end, which means we'll no longer have not just a surplus of fist fights and house music on TV, but also a profound lack of self-awareness. Yes, as Jersey Shore has gone on to become a pop culture sensation, its stars -- particularly Pauly D, The Situation, Snooki, and J-WOWW -- have taken the media by storm, seemingly popping up at every and any venue that might feature a camera or two. Clearly any further seasons with this cast will be tainted by this sudden fame. Did we not learn anything from The Hills?

But for now, we're left with the memories of a raucous, funny, and shockingly endearing series -- one that's contributed wonderful things to the pop culture canon: GTL, "smushing," beating the beat, etc. etc.. Not gonna lie. I'm going to miss these crazy jerkoffs. All of thems.

Photocap after the jump...

The closer we get to the premiere of Kell On Earth, the more excited I get. The show promises to follow Kelly Cutrone -- sort of an older, paler, thinner version of Snooki from Jersey Shore. But whereas Snooki is all waffling insecurity, Kelly is a self-possessed, self-proclaimed power bitch. Watching her take down the weak, incompetent people around her has been a thrill for the past several years on The Hills and The City. I can only imagine the joy will continue once Bravo dedicates a full hour to her every week. Sadly, we still have to wait a full week to watch the show, but here's a video that'll give you yet another taste of what's to come. That's what you call a tease in the power bitch world.

People who love Boston and people who hate it can both find something to rejoice about from last night's Beantown-centric episode of 30 Rock. Why? Well, the clip above should be a good indication.

The Real Housewives of Orange County is back tonight, and hopefully this episode will make up for last week's somewhat dull offering. It certainly seems promising, what with Alexis bearing her claws (fun fact: her claws have fake boobs too) at some random lady for allegedly getting too close to husband Jim (who we all know is a huge chick magnet, what with his movie star looks). Cat fights are always wonderful, especially when they're initiated by church-going, bible-toting citizens of God. Let's face it: if there's anyone who was known for catty contretemps, it was Jesus himself. He was all "You bettah slow yo' roll, Judas!" and "Virgin Mary, puhhlease!!!"

Okay, maybe not. But the point is that Alexis gets into it with another fellow tupperware party guest, and things don't look like they'll end politely. Thankfully, Jim is ever the gentleman and pulls his wife away, sure to mitigate any conflict. And by that, I mean he just stands there, perhaps relishing this moment. Certainly I hope you don't think I'm suggesting the guy's a shmuck. I mean, just because he gnaws on a toothpick like some long-forgotten background player in Grease doesn't mean he's lacking in the class department. Clearly the man is a gentleman. Just check out his mature (read: sulky) reactions to the tupperware party.

To see all of these shenanigans (including an overbearing drag queen named Kay Sedilla), check out the video above. And as a bonus, after the jump is an extra clip of Lynne and the "youth-ologist" (not to be confused with "joy-ologist").

Sorry I'm a little behind with my photocapping duties. Last week's double episode of Jersey Shore was a lot for me to take in. Granted, it was sort of the usual stuff: fist fights, booty calls, wide-scale butchering of the English language. This time, however, we got the added bonus of an Israeli stalker, and let me tell you something: no one hunts down people better than the Israelis. You ever see Munich? Exactly.

Poor Pauly D was the unlucky recipient of this psycho beach prowler -- a humorless woman who adamantly insisted she didn't want to be made to look the fool. Her first mistake: trolling after a guy with a giant Italian flag on his back and a blow-out on his head. I'm not sure she'll ever be able to live this one down, especially when Pauly finally told her off on the insufferable duck phone. He laid it out to her pretty harshly, and you'd think she would have taken the hint when he up and hung up on her, but alas, she sought him out once again at a club (Karma? Bamboo? Pepperoni?) and again insisted she was NOT a stalker. Pauly probably should have simply marched away, but instead he humored her presence, seemingly acquiescing to her demands that they continue to hang out. Kind of poor form on his part. You can't complain about a stalker if you're willing to string her along...

Yup, this is about right.

(Thanks to Ron, coincidentally my old boss at Late Night with Conan O'Brien, for the link)

By now, most people lurking throughout the blogosphere have seen the before & after pics of Heidi Montag's new face and body, and if you're like me, you thought the surgery didn't look soooo bad (except for that soul-draining effect it has on her eyes and persona). However, I knew I'd have to reserve final judgment until I saw Heidi's new face in motion -- far away from the beneficial aids of photoshop and airbrushing.

Well, the young starlet's face made its on-camera debut on Good Morning America today, and as feared, Heidi looked truly scary and plastic. She seemed totally devoid of any of human qualities, and what's saddest is that her face didn't look drastically different -- but just enough to destroy any semblance of charm or personality.

Of course, once you get over Heidi's new face, you then have to listen to her talk, and the answers to some of reporter Juju Chang's questions truly walk the line between hilarious and depressing. I think Heidi's insistence that she wants to send a message about "inner-beauty" is most puzzling of all. However, my favorite exchange is this:

Classic, terrible stuff. To see the whole interview, click the video above.

"I'm a Master, y'all!"

The cast hasn't been announced yet, but according to my friend, the very reliable Katherine Spiers, local Los Angeles chef Govind Armstrong (Table 8, 8 Oz. Burger Bar) will be one of the contestants competing on the upcoming season of Top Chef: Masters. We don't know how well he'll fare, but as long as he simply serves up that famous braised short-rib grilled cheese sandwich of his, I'm sure he'll waltz right into the winner's circle...

More information here.

You gotta admire the balls on Jimmy Kimmel to show up on Jay Leno's talk show and then proceed to bash the host with a series of withering, passive (and not so passive) aggressive insults, veiled thinly as jokes. Watching this clip is a tremendously awkward affair, especially given the simmering disdain Jay Leno can barely mask for his late night rival.

Let the clusterfuck continue!

Thanks, jash, for the heads up.

American Idol headed down to the ATL last night, home of Ryan Seacrest, Coca-Cola, and America's burgeoning Independence Party industry. While this trip down to Hotlanta lacked any weave-pulling brawls or bombastic helicopter entrances, I'm happy to report that it was just as entertaining as any given episode of last season's Real Housewives of Atlanta. That's probably thanks to the looney applicants who submitted themselves to the altar of Simon, Randy, Kara, and in this case, Mary J. Blige -- who capably filled in for Paula for this episode. I wouldn't say that MJB was as much a source of comic disdain as perhaps Posh Spice was the night before, nor would I say that she was particularly vocal, but at least she seemed like a legitimate musical authority, and it was downright hilarious watching her try to keep her composure through most of the auditions. Spoiler alert: she failed.

Those blonde bitches are back tonight on Bravo. I'm talking of course about The Real Housewives of Orange County, who continue to amaze with their special brand of cattiness. Things look relatively demure on tonight's episode -- at least based on the preview clips offered up here. In the video above, Vicki arranges a slumber party for the ladies, and as a special surprise, she's invited a psychic to come along. Unfortunately, this chafes Lynne, whose own psychic abilities call this man's powers into question.

I suppose it'll be a tough episode for Lynne in general. Not only must she endure a phony psychic, she has to listen to Gretchen's parenting advice, which is probably the larger offense. After the jump, a clip of the two women talking about Alexa with simmering (albeit perhaps manufactured) tension. With any luck, this will lead to some fireworks down the line. But this is Lynne we're talking about. Not the most fiery of personalities. We'll see...

Well, it's official. American Idol is back, and everything over the next five months will more or less center around it. Sure, there'll be diversions, but it's the same thing every year: endless pontificating about singing and style and commercial viability, leading to gradually intensifying loyalties until lines are drawn in the sand with the blood and tears of a nation's vicarious dreams, all culminating with a grand finale with which at least half of America will be disappointed. There are good years, there are bad years, but the pattern remains unchanged.

For now, we begin where each season begins: in the humble audition room. Yes, American Idol revved up its search yet again in scenic Boston, home to some of the jankiest accents this side of Mayor Quimby. I must admit that the number of outrageous Masshole accents wasn't quite as high as I had expected, but then again, maybe that's because Fox decided to keep all the Southie kids off screen, lest the whole enterprise devolve into some sad musical reinterpretation of The Depaaahted. Don't you worry though. There were plenty of funny accents on display, and I'm not even talking about Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, the guest judge for this episode. Her haughty accent was the least of her concerns. This former pop-star, hailed as a fashion icon by Seacrest, waltzed into the judging room wearing some slapdash shmata on her head that looked like it had been fashioned out of old negligée. As bizarre as this headpiece was, it certainly did not distract from the tomato-red dress she was wearing, making it look as though Posh Spice herself had been dipped in a giant vat of Heinz Ketchup. Part of me wanted to find a giant french fry and dab her with it.

When Posh wasn't turning heads with her fashion sense, she was sitting quietly at the table, her head seemingly about to roll off her skeletal frame. The poor woman looked not unlike a rejected character concept from The Nightmare Before Christmas, and part of me feared she might suddenly raise her hands up exuberantly and announce that HALLOWEEN WAS FINALLY HERE!!!! If only she had displayed that sort of energy. Instead, Ms. Beckham sat there like a lump, occasionally offering some sweet advice or gentle chirps of approval on all things sartorial. Style is apparently her wheelhouse; although, I'm not sure I'd trust a woman dressed like a tube of marinara sauce.

NBC has made a total mess of its late night situation, and after announcing that Jay Leno would be moving back to 11:35 PM, everyone was left wondering what Conan would do: settle for a sure-thing job at 12:05 AM? Or bail on NBC for another network instead? Well, it looks like Conan has made his move, announcing in a wonderfully annoyed statement this afternoon that he would not remain host of The Tonight Show should it be pushed back to after midnight. Obviously this all sucks for Conan, but I love that he's walking with his pride intact.

Conan's full statement, via The New York Times, after the jump:

This weekend, Bravo made several announcements about its new and returning shows, and while all this was very exciting (viz. Gail Simmons), I couldn't help but notice one precious gem missing from the list. I'm talking, of course, about Top Design, the addictive reality competition that pitted interior designers and artists against each other in an effort to achieve the eponymous crown. Now, I'm not gonna lie: season one of this show was miserable. Need I remind you of its deliriously ridiculous send-off line? Maybe I do: "See you later, decorator." Seriously. That's what Jonathan Adler, a giant in interior design, was forced to say every single week.

Not only was the tagline lame, but the challenges were too, often confined to the grim trappings of Los Angeles's Pacific Design Center. This was not compelling TV.

Then came season two, which really came down to two words: India Hicks. The daughter of LORD DAVID HICKS (as she was fond of noting), India was a joy to watch, made even more so by a revamped format and look. Suddenly the crappy third cousin of Top Chef was now kind of awesome. The best change of all? The withering new sendoff that was as harsh as the previous one was silly. Seriously, I don't think there's been a goodbye in reality TV that has been so deflating, so devastating, and so utterly soul-destroying as what India Hicks seethed for several weeks on end. And so in memoriam of this fun show, I present to you the vicious elimination line in all its British glory (click the video above). Godspeed Top Design. Godspeed.

TV By The Numbers: Bravo Expands Unscripted Programming By 20% And Unveils Premiere Dates For Returning Shows

If you're as big of a Gail Simmons fan as I am, then the news that broke this weekend will certainly thrill you. Bravo has enlisted our favorite Top Chef judge to host the upcoming spinoff Top Chef: Just Desserts. That means we'll get a hefty dose of Gail every single week as she lords over a talent pool of pastry chefs and dessert mavens. I couldn't be happier! Sadly, it won't be quite the same without Padma around, but I'm sure she'll gather her gays around the TV, sip tamarind martinis with them, and quietly scoff at every awkward Gail moment, bless her heart.

Reality Blurred:
Gail Simmons will host Top Chef Just Desserts; Bravo renews several shows

It's been a few weeks since I photocapped the Real Housewives of Orange County, but now that December and the holidays have passed, my schedule has normalized, and now I can get back to important things: you know, like harping on the lives of Southern California's most bitchy residents. Sadly, there wasn't a whole lot of cattiness on this latest episode of the Housewives. It was fairly lovey-dovey, what with Vicki and Donn renewing their vows. Even I had to admit that their storyline, while boring, was somewhat touching. Maybe that's just because there's still nothing quite like seeing a guy like Donn being reduced to a pile of man-tears every five minutes.

Less emotional but perhaps a bit more enthralling was this week's focus on Alexis, who brought us to her church for the first time. It was one of these giant, "modern" congregations where no one wears ties (how very Orange County), and the religious praise comes in the form of loud Christian Rock. Yes, it was all very showy and "cool;" although, I have a hard time buying the whole "progressive" thing when in reality, I can only imagine some of the ballot initiatives this church supports. But there I go getting mildly political. Maybe I should take a lesson from the pastor's very insightful sermon, which called upon people to "stop whining." Thought-provoking indeed.

Is anyone else as excited about Kell on Earth as I am? The new Bravo show will document the life and glory of Kelly Cutrone, fashion PR / power bitch extraordinaire. Kelly, who was first perceived as the awful She-Krakken of The Hills, has slowly become the unsung hero of not only that show but also The City, and quite frankly, I can't get enough of her. The fact that there will now be one full hour a week devoted to her craziness and the craziness of her firm, People's Revolution, is totally exhilarating to me. The show doesn't premiere until February, but here's a preview clip of what's in store for us. The video quality is surprisingly low, and it's kind of strange seeing a non-Hills-ized portrayal of People's Revolution, but fear not. Kelly saying "It's FUCKING Fashion Week!" over and over again pretty much makes up for it.

I gotta admit that Jersey Shore has grown on me immensely. At first, I didn't really love it. The entire show felt like a low-rate version of The Real World, what with its shoddy production values and flashy visual flourishes (ie. fake film "noise" on screen). However, Jersey Shore has come a long way, baby, and now I truly enjoy it. Perhaps that's thanks to the cast -- a group of seven mooks whose personal style and penchant for Ed Hardy at first invites mockery but ultimately belies a surprising sweetness and warmth. In many ways, Jersey Shore is the anti-Real World. Rather than seeking a heterogenous mix of clashing personalities from all walks of life, this show goes for multiples of the same type, all living in their natural habitat. It's perhaps more real than anything on The Real World (at least for this freshman season).

But let's not get too academic here. After all, this still is only Jersey Shore, and as fun as it is to analyze why we're drawn to a pop culture sensation, sometimes it's easiest to just chalk it up to good old fashioned anthropological rubbernecking. Such was the case on last night's episode, which was so action packed, I had a hard time believing it was all contained in one hour. We had a little of everything: idiotic romantic squabbles, two brawls, a lovable Italian mom, and Snooki getting punched in the face AGAIN. Could you ask for anything more? No, I don't think so.

I forgot to post this yesterday, but whatever. Here is a clip from Wednesday's Modern Family featuring Sofia Vergara absolutely chewing up the scenery. Amazing.

I sincerely love the notion that Jimmy Fallon is willing to play Taboo on his late night show. However, as much as I'm a fan of this, I must admit that watching the execution is utterly painful -- and not just because Michael Cera's marigold hairstyle is so distracting. These people are just terrible at the game. TERRIBLE! I must shake my head in disdain now.

Via Movieline

As many people in the New York tri-state region have come to discover, Cablevision has dropped the Food Network and HGTV from its cable lineup in the wake of a contract feud with the channels' parent company Scripps. This means that for the past week or so, consumers have been left with no Ina, no Giada, and no whatever it is they show on HGTV. My heart sincerely goes out to them because honestly, they've missed quite a bit. Not only did Michelle Obama turn up on an Iron Chef spectacular (which I didn't watch -- oops!), but there's been a whole host of new content that's worth noting.

Fear not though. I've conveniently detailed a list of the most important Food Network moments from today so you can feel like you've been watching along all this time. A full log after the jump.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

The New Year brings many new things, and one such gift will be The Real Housewives of New York City. I don't know when it's gonna premiere, but I'm already excited for it. In fact, I ran into a friend of mine two weeks ago who I learned is now a producer on the show. When I asked how this season was shaping up, his eyes widened, he grabbed my arm, and he said "There's some good shit." If that doesn't get you frothy with anticipation, I don't know what will. In the meantime, we'll just have to make do with this breathless segment from today's Today show in which natural foods chef Bethenny breezes through some light recipes, all the while bantering at five hundred words per second. It's no wonder she seems to be panting by the end of the video. Enjoy.

If you haven't seen last night's epic two hour Survivor: Samoa finale (followed by the always too-short reunion), then you best turn away from this post right now. In fact, you should just walk away from your computer because chances are it's gonna be ruined for you either here or on Facebook or on Twitter or who else knows where. Why? Well, let's just say it's gotten people a bit upset. Details after the jump...

Major drama looks to be heading our way tonight on The Real Housewives of Orange County. As we all remember from last week's episode, Vicki had planned out a whole girls' weekend in Florida, but alas, Simon and Jim decided that they wanted to crash the party, lest their untrustworthy wives veer from the straight and narrow. Vicki certainly wasn't thrilled about this, and I can understand why. Even if the guys did their own thing, it would still be a couples vacation, and that is remarkably different than just a weekend with the goils. Nevertheless, in the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't call it a big deal. But then again, I'm not Vicki -- a woman who flips her lid if she finds an errant piece of macaroni on her kitchen floor.

Anyway, in the clip above, we get to see Alexis and Jim exhibiting more of their loving relationship. Basically he talks at her, and she nods and agrees. Of course, according to her, she's offering valuable input for Jim's project, but I can't honestly say that her contributions are terribly, uh, substantial.

After the jump, a clip of all the couples bashing Vicki behind her back in Florida. Fun times!

It's just too easy to mock the Real Housewives of Orange County for all the cosmetic surgery and enhancements that they undergo, but really, shouldn't we applaud these women for being so open and upfront about their physical alterations when so many others refuse to 'fess up to such similar modifications? Eh, probably not. Proving that vanity always trumps fiscal prudence, these women continue to slither back to that same creepy plastic surgeon in Newport Beach for lifts, tucks, and in some cases, reductions. This time around, it was Lynne and her daughter going in for some dual action under the scalpel. Lynne wanted to freshen up the wilted leather that passes for her face, and her daughter just wanted a nose job. Yes, this was mother-daughter bonding for the new millennium.

Ultimately, the daughter's nose looked pretty much the same post surgery, which was sort of a let-down. I was hoping for a wild transformation, and let's face it, she probably was too. The girl was happy enough though; so I suppose that's good (although, I'm sure her complex will immediately return upon reading the things that I and other bastards on the internet have written). As for big momma, we couldn't quite tell how effective the surgery was. Lynne spent the remainder of the episode looking like she'd gotten her head caught in a puffy toilet seat on account of the bandages that adorned her head. When they finally came off, she still looked swollen, and thanks to what I imagine was a steady stream of painkillers, she seemed totally out of it -- more so than usual. It was actually quite creepy. She stared off vacantly like a ventriloquist's dummy, occasionally moving her lips to form some basic sentences. This is what nightmares are made of.

In what may prove to be one of the duller hours of the year, Bravo is gathering all the "cheftestants" from Top Chef: Las Vegas for a reunion where we'll finally get the answers to our burning questions such as... um... uh... what's it like to get an AWFUL tattoo? (That's basically the only pressing matter on my mind). I can't imagine that this episode will be terribly enlightening thanks to the gaggle of boring, if immensely talented, personalities on hand this season. Luckily, we may have a spark of excitement when it comes to Robin, the oft beleaguered lady chef who found herself the brunt of many other cast members's derision. In a video after the jump, we see her season-long social plight, but don't get too excited: the clip conveniently cuts off before we can hear what she thinks about her fellow chefs and their behavior. Nevertheless, these vids might serve as a quaint primer for those of you needing to get amped for tonight's show. And if nothing else, they at least show off Andy Cohen's untamed thicket of chest hair, which I know we all love to see as often as possible.

Robin vid after the jump...

The anti-phenomenon continues. MTV aired yet another thought-provoking episode of Jersey Shore last week, despite controversy swirling around the series left and right. The big news was that Italian-American groups were upset that the show portrayed Italians in an unfavorable way. This, of course, was coupled with death threats to MTV -- which may not be quite the best way to counter that whole negative-portrayal issue. The latest bombshell, however, is that after two weeks of heavily promoting Snooki getting punched in her bronzed noggin, MTV has suddenly decided to pull the footage from Thursday's upcoming episode, citing the intensity of the violence (which, again, had been used as a PROMO). No one wants a girl to get punched in the face, but MTV can't just dangle the carrot in front of us and then take it away. That's just cruel. I suppose, however, the network was merely trying to stem the inevitable tide of animated gifs and callous comments that would surely burst onto the internet in the wake of Snookipus taking one in the pickle holder (what? She loves pickles!).

Anyway, I'm writing this on an airplane, and the jerk in front of me just knocked his entire can of PEPSI off his tray table, causing it to explode in a fizzy mess in the aisle and thus spraying my carry-on bag thoroughly. Must attend to this unexpected mess. Photocap after the jump...

(thanks to jash for sending me the media and the link)

With thirty-four thousand contestants still left on Survivor: Samoa, Mark Burnett & co. decided to speed things along last night and axe not one but two players over the course of the hour. Yes, there were two Tribal Councils, and while such a double-header of ejection is usually awesome, I have to admit that it wasn't quite as exciting as previous episodes. Then again, we've been on a run of absolutely stellar gameplay; so I suppose the bar has been raised perhaps unrealistically high. And one can't overlook the entertainment value in seeing Dave's full mane of hair. A thing of beauty it was. Pure beauty.

Nevertheless, photocap after the jump. Enjoy...

Well, Top Chef: Las Vegas drew to a close last night, but I won't spoil the results here. I'll just say that the winner was a male with bad tattoos. HAVE I GIVEN TOO MUCH AWAY? I have to admit that this season capper wasn't totally exciting. I actually dozed off at one point and had to rewind later. Still, I think the right person won; so I really can't complain too much. Hopefully things will be more engaging next season.

Photocap after the jump...

Jersey Shore has arrived, and it's just as awful as you'd expect... and of course I'll be watching every moment of it. It's full of the "guido" and "guidette" stereotypes you'd expect, and what's most surprising is that all the cast members seem to be shockingly self-aware of the image they're participating in and purveying. It's sort of sad, but then again, that might just be my elitist bias at work. Nevertheless, for the uninitiated, the series takes eight twentysomethings of Italian descent and sticks them in a nasty, wood-paneled house on the Jersey Shore. This ain't no Real World experience. There might be a few nice amenities (hot tub on the roof), but overall, I wouldn't call this Grade-A MTV lodging. Nevertheless, this hapless group of four guys and four dolls have apparently been sent to this shabby hovel to spend a summer on the Shore working at one of those awful t-shirt shops that populate every boardwalk in America. Horizon-broadening experience this is not.

That being said, there's something horrifying yet watchable about these "yooots." For anyone who has spent more than five minutes watching Jersey Shore videos on Youtube, this is cultural rubbernecking at its best (and worst). And yet, it's oddly refreshing to watch this group. We've become quietly trained to expect only middle class kids on reality TV (ie. The Real World); so it's nice to see some mooks from different segments of the population getting their time in the spotlight. My only wish was that a) some of these cast members had anything interesting to say for themselves, and b) the production of this show wasn't so shoddy. It truly makes one pine for the glossy sheen of my former employer, Bunim-Murray. Say what you will about The Real World and its spin-offs, but the production on those shows is top notch. Jersey Shore, meanwhile, looks like half of it was shot with a Flip Cam. Not good.

Anyway, after the jump is a photocap from the (TWO HOUR?!?!? WTF, MTV?) season premiere.

Tonight is the season finale of Top Chef: Las Vegas, which means that yet another chef will take home the big prize. Our finalists come as no surprise: Kevin and the Voltaggio brothers -- all three of whom were pegged to go to the end as far back as the very first episode. It's that predictability that has marred this season of Top Chef somewhat. On one hand, we definitely were presented with the strongest batch of contestants yet. On the other hand, they were all so... bland. I've enjoyed watching their expertise, but I must admit that I've found it hard to root for or against any of them. Couple that with their annoying badass attitudes, and I have to admit I was a little turned off by the cast this season, despite their immense talent. Maybe that's why I've been so enthused about Bravo's other cooking show, Chef Academy, which I only started watching last week (during a marathon) and immediately fell in love with. The talent on display with that show is significantly lower, but the personalities are ten times more appealing. Dare I say it's my new favorite show? Nevertheless, Top Chef needs to inject some more fun into the proceedings and less preening (except for Padma). In the meantime, check out a brief clip above from tonight's finale.

Who do you think will win? Kevin, Michael, or Bryan?

And the amazing season that is Survivor: Samoa continues. This latest episode could not live up to the insanity that was Laura's departure, but once again, we were left with a nail-biter. I can only imagine the crazy ways in which this season is gonna shake out over the next two weeks. Since it's late though, I'm gonna skip the analysis and just go directly to the photocap, which is conveniently posted just after the jump!

I am crying right now. CRYING. Not literally. Just on the inside. That's because the last episode of The City aired last night, and while I hope it was merely a season finale, a part of me fears it could be a series finale. Why? Well, first off -- Kelly Cutrone is getting her own reality show on Bravo, and that certainly doesn't bode well. Not sure NBC Universal and Viacom will be willing to share her. Second, I seem to remember hearing that the ratings for The City haven't been stellar. I may be wrong on that front, and since I'm chronically lazy, I'm not going to look it up. Nevertheless, I certainly hope MTV gives us another installment of this wonderful show (with Kelly Cutrone) because it is a gem. A GEM I tell you.

In case you didn't hear, our favorite diva of MTV is getting her own reality show. No, not Kristin Cavallari. I'm talking, of course, about Kelly Cutrone -- the breakout star from The City. Her new gig, premiering in February, is a series titled Kell On Earth, and if the video above is any indication, we'll be seeing a more human, slightly cleaned up version of Kelly. That's all well and good, but if she doesn't bitch out at least ten people per episode; I'm not gonna be happy.

For more information on the show (including another video), check out the press release here.

Thanks to Jenny and knmom for the links!

And then there was one. This past episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County saw our favorite sad-sack, Jeana Keough, bid adieu to the show, leaving just Vicki Gunvalson as the only remaining original cast member. It was a bit unclear what had truly motivated this move -- was Jeana under financial distress? Did she hate Vicki? Did she want to spend more time with her children? Either way, she was ready to move on, which meant we'd no longer have a steady stream of passive-aggressive mumbling in the corner. So very sad.

Taking Jeana's place is the buxom Alexis Bellino, who we met briefly the episode prior. We have yet to learn much about her, but here's what we do know: she and her husband are decidedly conservative. Not only do they talk about God frequently (in that annoying "Hey look, we're talking about GOD" way), but they've adopted traditional social roles. Alexis's husband is the breadwinner, and she's the mommy. Specifically, she stated that her goal in life was to be the best mommy and wife she could be. That apparently includes a rigorous exercise regime and the employment of two nannies for three children. Seems a bit excessive. The good news is that Alexis and her husband do seem like affable, friendly people thus far; although, we're really only just getting our toes wet with them now. I'm sure there will be some awfulness to come, especially if Alexis's ordering habits are any indication (her Cadillac margarita required so many footnotes, special requests, and substitutions that I'm shocked she didn't just hop behind the bar and make the drink herself).

Anyway, I'm sad to see Jeana go, but I'm excited for the drama that another busty blonde can offer the group. Photocap after the jump...

Survivor is nineteen seasons old, but you wouldn't know it based on how fresh and exciting it still is. In fact, I don't think I'm being too hyperbolic when I say that last night's episode might very well rank up there with some of the all time best. It was so thrilling, so entertaining, so hilarious, and so fun that I all but ran around in circles of joy (but I didn't — instead I texted and emailed everyone I knew who is an equally diehard Survivor fan).

If you haven't seen last night's show, stop what you're doing and head directly to your DVR. Do not read another word. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

For everyone else, a photocap after the jump.

The stakes for last night's Top Chef: Las Vegas episode were so high, it's hard to imagine the casting directors ever seriously thought half the contestants this season could ever viably compete in it. In what proved to be one of the most imposing challenges ever, the cheftestants had to participate in a scaled down version of the Bocuse d'Or, which is basically like the culinary Olympics of classic French cooking. This meant impeccable dishes served with flawless (and creative) presentation. And just because this wasn't the real event didn't mean there wasn't a heart-thumping array of judges. Bravo served up a doozy of tasters, including Daniel Boulud, so-and-so Bocuse (son of Mr. Bocuse, who founded the Bocuse d'Or), and the one and only Thomas Keller — one of the most revered chefs in America and the world. Gulp. Between Keller and Robuchon earlier this season, Top Chef: Las Vegas has spared no ounce of culinary star power this go-around.

It's Wednesday afternoon, which means it's time for me to once again praise the TV gods for delivering me yet another delightful episode of The City. This show is fast becoming one of my favorites of the year, and I'm not ashamed to say so. The mix of simmering female tensions, career ambitions, and late night socializing makes for great TV. If I sound like I'm overhyping the show (or perhaps giving it more credit than it deserves), then, well, YOU'RE WRONG. Don't judge a book by its cover, and don't judge a spinoff by its originator (in this case, The Hills).

This week's episode found Whitney and Roxy engaging in a bit more boy drama than usual. Normally I'd be loathe to watch such silliness as the meat and potatoes of this series is the workplace, but I must credit the producers who have wisely kept the romantic high jinks at a palatable level; thus allowing such diversions as the Fackelmeyer fracas to come and go without wearing out their welcome. Nevertheless, the bulk of last night's episode pertained to Roxy and Whitney's boy adventures, and no, that does not include the intrusive squirrel that apparently has overtaken their apartment. How a squirrel got into their abode is a whole other question, and I loved how both girls started off the show discussing their unwanted pest before making a conversational 180 and chirping about boyz. It would be the equivalent of me saying "So I saw a dead corpse decomposing in the street. It was really nasty. All smelly and stuff. Hey, how's your mom doing?"

Well, we never did find out if the girls caught their bushy-tailed squatter, but I guess that's because they had more pressing issues to deal with. W-w-w-Whitney had a big blind date coming up, courtesy of Sammy at Bergdorf Goodman, and Roxy had drinks planned with Zac, a guy who's popped up here and there this season, clearly ready to knock boots, as they say. Both situations seemed promising, but alas, both fizzled out triumphantly.

From the moment we saw the triumphant return of Dr. JORDANA MANSBACHER on last night's episode of The Hills, I knew we'd be in for a treat. It's not to say the episode was anything wonderful, but it certainly was hilarious. I guess we can thank the twin psychos of Heidi and Jayde for keeping things interesting. First we had Heidi scheming to get preggers (against Dr. Mansbacher's advice, I should note) by threatening to go off birth control without Spencer's knowledge. It surely was a very Lady Macbeth move on her part (not to discredit Lady McB), and of course anyone who caught wind of this plan shook their head with incredulity. Doesn't she know tricking a spouse into having a child is the sort of resentment-fueling incident that causes a drunken, Edward Albee-esque meltdown twenty-years down the line? Clearly not. And look at me with two theater references in the first paragraph. I suppose that's what happens when one discusses the Heidi chronicles. SNAP!

Anyway, in an effort to court Spencer's sperm, Heidi made her hubby a large, maternal pasta dinner that was sure to get him in the mood. Before digging in, however, she was sure to say grace, thanking God for their house, the food on the table, and, of course, her outfit. Once again, Heidi's introspection shows no bounds.

There have been many strange Gossip Girl episodes, but probably none as bizarre as last night's installment, which somehow hinged on a combination of cabaret, Lady Gaga, Snow White, and, of course, a threesome. None of it really should have made sense, and I'm not saying that it really did, but the end product was still highly enjoyable, even if the central premise of the hour was a bit contrived.

It all began with Blair announcing her desire to take over the Tisch drama kids, an endeavor that felt a bit ridiculous in this post-Constance world of NYU. Still, we like Blair when she's on a petty mission, and none could be as petty as this latest adventure, which sent her into that awful coffee shop in an effort to ingratiate herself into the world of blue blood acting wannabes. Unfortunately for Blair, this social takeover wasn't the cakewalk she was expecting. These kids hailed from showbiz royalty (the word "Weinstein" was thrown about), and they weren't just about to let Blair into their fold, even if she was stepdaughter to a major entertainment lawyer (speaking of which, where the HELL has Cyrus been this season? Bring back the Waldorf clan!)

While I was away in New York, a marvelous thing happened: the new season of The Real Housewives of Orange County premiered, and just in time, too. No disrespect to Nene, Kim, Sherayay et. al, but the Atlanta crew was getting seriously stale by the end of the season. Somewhere at the halfway point, the show became less loony fun and more generic noise. Sometimes it felt like we were watching nothing but a series of photo shoots and Nene gab sessions. Point is that the Atlanta housewives fizzled out in a most boring way.

But now we have the blonde bitches of Orange County to watch, and their shameless cattiness is a pure joy to take in. Picking up right where we left them at last season's reunion have been Gretchen and Tamra, whose relationship continues to devolve beyond repair. At a dinner for Lynne's cuff line, the two women exchanged cutting blows, leading to a particularly heated discussion amongst the entire group. It all played out the way we would expect it: Tamra attacked, Gretchen defended, Jeana occasionally piped up with a "That was mean" or "Christ, Tamra" type of comment, and Vicki merely passed judgment with dismissive eyes, amusingly taking Tamra's side whenever Gretchen deigned to snap back. Ultimately, as this week's episode began, Gretchen did what we've been waiting for her to do: she told Tamra to "shut the f**k up." This advice was not taken well. Tamra up and stormed out of the dinner, ranting and raving in the hallways about Gretchen sleeping her way to 1.7 million dollars in the process. Yes, it was the glorious ravings of a jealous bitch whose limelight has faded, and it was all wonderful.

Oh man. Survivor has been so good lately. Don't get me wrong -- I've LOVED this season as a whole, but now that the two tribes have merged, the individual game has kicked into overdrive, which means there's more scheming, tricks, and shenanigans than ever before. Last week's ep, which I didn't write about since I was traveling, was a beautiful tangle of manipulation, which ultimately sent a cocky Erik home while simultaneously flushing out Russell's immunity idol. It was great TV to watch, but we also knew that without his safety net, Russell, a.k.a. the show's star, would be going home very, very soon.

However, when last night's episode opened with the prickly Laura declaring that Russell was getting voted off the island next, I couldn't help feeling doubt. Mark Burnett would never telegraph the final vote in the first thirty seconds. Or would he? Don't read on if you want to avoid spoilers...

Top Chef returned last night after a one week hiatus, and I'm happy to report that it was well worth the wait. Both the Quickfire and the Elimination challenges were highly entertaining, and even if Gail was absent, there was much to enjoy. First off, we had Padma eating breakfast in bed, bathrobe and all. And she wasn't alone. Joining her was none other than Nigella Lawson, also wrapped up in a robe and shoved under the blankets of a separate bed. Don't think for a moment though that either lady had an inch of bedhead. They may have been enjoying breakfast, but they clearly were done up to the nines with hair and makeup.

Anyway, Nigella proved to be a highly entertaining add-on to the panel this week. I've actually never seen one of her shows, but might I suggest swapping Toby out for her next season as the official Gail alternate? After all, she earned massive points from me at the Judges Table when she likened panna cotta to the quivering inner thigh of a 17th century courtesan. Had Toby attempted the same analogy, it would have come off as forced and insufferable. Nigella, though, she's just a funny lady.

In case you haven't noticed, there have been no updates on this site for the past week. That's because I had to go back to New York for a family thing. Now I'm en route back to Los Angeles, and what better way to return to blogging than by turning to last night's episode of The City. It was a Kelly Cutrone masterclass -- full of angry rants about pens, boys, and hotel bills. While last week's Fackelmayer frenzy was highly enjoyable stuff, nothing compares to Lady Cutrone when she's seething like a cornered snake.

Kelly had good reason to be annoyed this episode. Not only did Roxy forget to bring a pen to the meeting, but she also rang up a $200 room service bill. Her biggest offense, however, was arguing with Whitney backstage at a fashion show. Major no-no. Even worse was that Whit Whit got stuck sharing the blame for the unprofessional spat. It makes sense; after all, it does take two to tango. But we all know Roxy is the problem here. Bitch will get hers soon enough. And when the HELL is she landing her own apartment?

Meanwhile, in Elle world, Olivia once again messed up, and yet again, Erin bore the brunt of Joe Zee's smiley, singsongy wrath when he accused her of not teaching Olivia the ropes. Truth is both girls are at fault: Olivia is spoiled, Erin vindictive. Not a healthy work environment. But great TV! Damn, I love this show.

After the jump, a photocap!

It's been a few weeks; so I thought I'd check back in on Gossip Girl, my favorite nighttime soap, which continues to be silly fun, even if the storylines this season have veered into ridiculous territory. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the show works best when the leads are engaging in age-appropriate problems. Making friends at NYU? Perfect. Dealing with dorm gossip? Great. Opening a hotel? Eh... Launching a speakeasy? EHHHH.... Addressing the press corps about your cousin's congressional campaign? Dumb. See what I'm getting at here?

The saving grace of Gossip Girl, however, (and this too I've mentioned before) is that no matter how ridiculous the plot gets, the tongue-in-cheek tone of the show always reminds us that no one's taking any of this stuff too seriously, and therefore, neither should we. Still, despite that, this week's episode really pushed our abilities to suspend disbelief. I'm still a fan of the show 100%, but I'm starting to take issue with a few items.

After the jump, some vital questions that my friend Lil Grans and I had after the latest episode.

It's been a few weeks since I checked in with The Real Housewives of Atlanta. With Thursdays being a logjam of television, the show had become less of a priority, especially given how the second half of the season got kind of boring. Sure, there was some bickering, but nothing particularly fascinating took place. Even the reunion was a little dull. Well, compared to last year's at least. We had all the standard fare: Sherayay denying she was a lesbian, Nene babbling on about her alcoholic dad, Lisa Wu Hartwell putting a happy spin on her downsized life, Kandi crying about Ajay (that was sad), and of course, Kim attempting to deflect all the questions away from her. There were no fights, there was no yelling, and there certainly were no helicopters & poets. Maybe the good stuff is next week.

Anyway, after the jump, a few pics from the reunion. Bring on Orange County!

Shocking things happened on this week's episode of The City. The previously isolated worlds of People's Revolution and Elle magazine came together for an event so fraught with drama, I could barely lift my jaw off the ground. Okay, there really wasn't much drama at all. Kelly didn't yell at anyone. Roxy didn't undermine anything (well, a little — but that's in her nature), and Olivia didn't act totally awful. Just about the only thing that did happen was Freddy showing up (entirely underdressed too — major WASP no no). The lack of excitement, however, did not mean it wasn't totally fun to watch because honestly, it was. Then again, EVERYTHING about this season of The City is totally fun to watch. Even Jay, who made a grimy, annoying return, wasn't as insufferable as I thought he'd be. The producers wisely pushed his cameo scene off to the end of the episode, which meant if we wanted to turn the show off early, we could.

Of course, I would never do such a thing, even if Jay was yammering on about class warfare once again. Just as he always does, Jay warned Whitney about the "uptown" crowd -- because, you know, Jay and his circle have certainly proven to be quite the upstanding alternative. Nevertheless, his whole anti-wealth tirade felt unpleasantly like an artifact from last season, and in a show that has grown so magnificently, it felt jarringly out of place. We don't care about the bohemians anymore. Let us never see Jay again! (But please bring back Nevin)

There seemed to be a major theme running throughout last night's episode of The Hills: drinking isn't good. This message was spelled out clearly for us in the Holly Montag storyline, but truly, if anyone needed exemplary evidence as to why alcohol might not be a great substance to abuse, one didn't need to look further than the latest dramas with Kristin and Brody and Jayde. For as much as the producers want us to believe than Holly is a drunkard, her only offense seems to be a predilection for goofy dancing, and honestly, who hasn't busted out The Elaine Dance whilst feeling a little tipsy here and there? No good deed goes unpunished though, and while Holly's one woman dance party was great fun for all nearby spectators, it was no laughing matter for rehab graduate (and soon to be returning student, I'm sure) Stephanie Pratt. She immediately ran to Heidi -- who famously was fired for drinking on the job, I might remind you -- and the two girls browbeat a suddenly tan Holly about going to rehab to cure all that ailed her. I know we've only seen snippets of Holly's life, but honestly, she does not come off as out of control (and it wouldn't surprise me if she was merely prompted by the Powers That Be to act rowdy for the cameras).

More troublesome on the booze front is resident Playboy Bunny / busty Canadian Jayde, who for a season and a half has been caught on camera usually wasted off Jager (usually thanks to her penchant for chugging said Jager -- also on camera). The problem with Jayde is not that she likes to dabble in fine spirits. The problem is that when she gets drunk, she turns into a belligerent drunk. She turns angry, she lashes out, and on occasion, she throws a cocktail or two at any nearby female who she deems as a threat. Basically, she can't handle her booze, and yet no one seems to think she needs to go to rehab. Maybe she just doesn't have supportive friends, which would make sense as she probably surrounds herself with a bunch of shallow bitches who merely want to travel in her Brody-tastic circles. Seems like a pretty miserable existence for those sidekicks. They basically have to sit there while the lovers quarrel. And speaking of said acrimony, while Jayde may be a sloppy lush, Brody is allegedly her boyfriend, and as such, he probably shouldn't be such an ass to her. I know she's insufferable, but I'm not sure it's totally cool to curse out your lady in front of her friends, your friends, and America. As my father would say, these two have a lot of class — all of it low.

Wowsahs! The latest episode of Survivor was crazy. We've seen medical emergencies before (more so recently), but none as scary as what Russell endured when he blacked out multiple times from dehydration. With his unblinking eyes staring up at the sky, he literally looked dead for a moment. We knew he'd wind up okay, but the drama of the situation (paired with an incredibly urgent score) certainly had me on the edge of my seat. Sure enough, poor Russell was removed from the game, despite his sweet protestations (which still elicited a chuckle from me, if only because of his amazingly high-pitched voice).

Despite Russell's unexpected ouster, both tribes still had to go to Tribal Council for no other reason than it being on the production schedule. This led to a crammed bench of players — thirteen in all, I believe — airing their grievances on an empty stomach. You see, Russell's emergency had halted the reward challenge, and in the chaos, Jeff had declared that NO ONE would be getting pizza -- a fairly cruel outcome of the situation. Amusingly enough, Jeff Probst now claims that both tribes got to munch on pizza, but it simply wasn't shown on camera. I suppose we'll never know.

Either way, things were looking pretty dire for Monica, who was about to be blindsided by the men in her tribe. John, Erik, Dave, and that younger dude with no personality had planned to align with Shambo of all people, citing her good work ethic and benign presence. I clapped like a seal (internally) at this turn of events because anything that keeps Shambo around longer always makes me happy. However, Jeff announced that in the wake of Russell's departure, there'd be no one else going home this week. DAMNIT! If somehow Shambo falls out of her alliance next week and goes home before Monica, I will be peeved.

As for the other team, Natalie and Liz had resigned themselves to going home before Jeff made the big announcement. This bothered me immensely as there's nothing more frustrating than watching two players simply accept that they're on the chopping block. Why didn't these idiot girls ever THINK to align and partner up with one of the boys? Clearly the men's strength wasn't winning Foa Foa any challenges — why not dump one in the meantime? I suppose it's all moot — for now. Hopefully this reprieve will give at least Liz a moment to rethink her piss-poor strategy.

Photocap after the jump...

Last night's Top Chef: Las Vegas was that most hallowed of episodes: Restaurant Wars — a.k.a. the time when half the cast embarrasses themselves beyond reprieve. Sure enough, we had some major bombs by some very accomplished chefs, but on the flip-side, there were some astounding offerings too. Tom Colicchio even noted that the Restaurant Wars winning team was the best "restaurant" they'd ever had on the history of Top Chef (and looking at those dishes, I can see why). I won't give anything away in this paragraph, but needless to say, it was a fun episode, and if I weren't so lazy, I'd go more in depth about it. But alas. I'm lazy.

After the jump, a photocap of the show.

It's ridiculous how fun The City is. In its second season, the producers have found the right mix and balance of characters, focusing instead on the cutthroat careerist side of Manhattan, not the dingy bohemian crap that Jay and his posse represented last year (more on that in a bit, regrettably). Olivia and Erin continue to butt heads at Elle, and while their story line this episode wasn't as compelling as previous ones (basically, it involved both girls going to a party, Olivia mingling effectively, and Erin leaving early), it still had some choice moments — specifically when Erin snapped at Olivia and told her to drop the attitude. I actually felt slightly bad for Olivia, who looked like a humble puppy that had just been reprimanded for pooping in the living room. She sort of hunched over and nodded before slinking off to some corner of the office to undoubtedly call cousin Nevin and complain.

Speaking of Nevin, his absence this season has been totally unforgivable. His banter with Olivia last season was tremendous, and given the show's new focus on the elite, you'd think their badinage would be front and center. Alas, it seems as though Jay will be making a comeback first, which is the biggest crime of all. The previews for next week's episode show him and Whitney having what will surely be an annoying and boring meal together. Memo to MTV: no one cares about Jay. He dirty and smelly and totally uninteresting. He belongs on the douche parade that is The Hills, not this fine show.

I'm happy to report that last night's episode of The Hills was GOOD. It was everything we want from the show — silly scenarios, embarrassing moments, and some cutting humor. The latter was provided by Kristin's dad, whose cameo consisted of him making fun of Brody and his vanity any chance that he could. I'm not gonna lie — I was laughing at all his jokes. Now I see where Kristin gets it.

Kristin, as it turns out, had gone back down to Laguna to recharge with dad and the stepmom, who had little to offer beyond some cooing noises and pleasant smiles. Our heroine needed to recharge after the non-events in her fake life became too fake taxing for her fake existence. When Kristin returned to her Malibu home, who was there but Justin Bobby, cooking dinner. How he could just march into this house was beyond me, but I suppose like any good hobo, he can sneak into unwatched areas quite easily. Anyway, Justin Bobby served Kristin up some food, and it appeared as though she had forgiven him for his previous transgressions (booo). This was evidenced by the fact that after the meal, they were so eager to DO IT that Kristin didn't even bother taking in the dishes from outside. Let's just hope she moves through this dirtbag phase quickly...

Later, Kristin wound up at Brody's apartment for a benign yet unnecessary conversation about Jayde and her tempestuous ways. This was the producers' way of suggesting that these former lovahs might be rekindling their romance, but let's face it — that ship has sailed.

I must admit that my Top Chef coverage has waned in recent weeks. I still watch and love it, but Bravo's website has been putting up pretty lame media, which means I've got nothing really to use for my photocaps (they post production stills, not screen grabs). Plus, as much as I'm enjoying this season and the high caliber of contestants, I'm finding that their personalities just aren't quite resonating with me. Everyone seems to be... well... a dick. Chefs definitely go through the grinder in the course of their careers; so I'm not surprised that these guys are hardened and cold and badass. But they're a little TOO into being badasses. Starting with all those horrendous tattoos and ending with a general resistance to smiling and mirth, these guys are all about acting tough. It's like they think they're part of a freakin' motorcycle gang or something. It's kind of annoying.

Pretty much the only friendly person left is Robin, and the poor woman doesn't seem to have a clue. I'm actually pulling for her to do something amazing because honestly, everyone is such a dick to her (including the producers, who've been happily pointing out all her flaws in recent episodes). It seems like every week someone is either snapping at her (Eli) or patronizing her (Michael) or, as seen in the clip above, doing both. Yes, this video from tonight's episode shows Michael Voltaggio (one of the favorites to win the whole thing — although, I'm pushing for Jen) fiddling with Robin's dessert, causing her to flip out in an amusingly shrill way. He in turn barks back condescendingly, and then it just spirals from there.

After the jump, a bonus video of the gang participating in the Quick Fire challenge, which is some sort of blindfolded relay race. Should be fun...

Despite a general lack of strategizing and scheming, last night's Survivor got back on track with an icky but wonderful food challenge and some nifty high jinks from its irascible cast of characters. First, on Galu, we had a bunch of numskulls who couldn't light a fire to cook the barbecue they had won after having down various seafood cocktails at the reward challenge (actually, Dave could light a fire, but he opted to be passive-aggressive and unhelpful instead). By the way, let's talk about that reward challenge for a minute, shall we? It certainly looked nasty, but for as gross as it was, I imagine most viewers were positively entertained by the perverse glee Jeff Probst had in preparing his wretched raw fish smoothies. I'm also not gonna lie: some of them looked kind of intriguing to me. Hey, if I hadn't eaten anything for two weeks, I'm pretty sure I'd be down for an octopus and sea slug cocktail. Then again, easier said than done.

Anyway, Jeff happily mixed together various fishy ingredients with an assortment of liquids — milk being his most favorite — and yes, he was sure to leave the beverages as chunky as possible. Gagging ensued, but it was ultimately Ashley from Foa Foa who proved to be the only one incapable of keepin' the frutti de mare down. She blew chunks in the bushes and cost her hapless tribe the win. If only that were the least of their problems.

Oops! I forgot to post a Survivor photocap this week! Apologies for the delay. Hopefully this will get you all in the mood for tonight's episode. Last week's show wasn't anything special. Galu finally lost immunity, thus sending them to Tribal Council for the first time. I was appreciative of this, if only to learn more about their tribe. Turns out that Dave, despite looking very creepy, is actually kind of funny and likable. As for the rest of them, well, they're just not as entertaining as Foa Foa. Some of them have personality — Shambo and Yas, for instance — but alas, they're not long for this game. Well, actually, one of them is already out. Yasmin got the royal boot after her fellow tribe members felt she was too lazy around camp. Miraculously, Shambo is still around, which makes me very, very happy. Her time is limited though if she keeps making boneheaded mistakes like LETTING A DAMN CHICKEN ESCAPE (or giving away clues to the immunity idol, which Erik later found).

Nevertheless, here's to hoping tonight's episode is a tad more exciting (and hopefully Jeff Probst might actually SHOW UP to a challenge). Photocap after the jump.

A few weeks ago, I praised Community for being one of the best comedies of the fall. I still love the show, but it's been a bit uneven the past few episodes. Don't get me wrong, I excitedly look forward to it every week as the banter between characters is right up my alley, but as good as Community has been, it hasn't gotten stronger and stronger the way Modern Family has. Case in point: last night's episode which featured a beyond-brilliant guest appearance by Shelley Long as the heretofore unseen mother of the Pritchett clan. Not only was the writing for her character sharp and hilarious, but Shelley Long reminded us why she was so beloved on Cheers: her comic skills are simply fantastic. The producers must find a way to return to the show. Immediately.

Luckily, if you haven't seen the show, ABC has the first four episodes on its awful site here as well as a Shelley Long clip and an amusing music video (it's all embeddable in theory, but the aforementioned awful website keeps stalling out when I click the "share" option for code — so you have to go there to watch it). And while you're there, check out Cougar Town, which my friend Sawgee writes on! (Shameless plug!!!)

Once again, Kelly Cutrone has totally stolen another episode of The City. Who would have thought a woman of a certain age with a few lines on her face and certainly no makeup could be a standout star on MTV? Well, hell has frozen over because season two of The City is all about Kelly. Sure, Whitney's travails are blandly entertaining, and Roxy's sly undermining is delicious fun, and the rivalry between Olivia and Erin is pure gold, but ultimately, what gets the adrenaline pumping is watching Kelly simply LAY INTO these aspiring working girls. Just as it was last week, it felt like Monday's episode was merely a long, suspenseful build-up to Kelly's inevitable and appropriate tongue-lashing, and boy was it worth it.

The shenanigans began when Whitney brought some sketches into work to show Kelly. She made the egregious mistake of showing them to Roxy first, who smiled insincerely and told her that she really loved them all! Well, all of them except for one, which she insisted reminded her too much of a couch. This was then followed by the two girls saying "Couch" back and forth to each other for what felt like ten minutes. Literally, it was bordering on some sort of strange neo-Dadaist performance art. Couch. Couch. Couch. Couch. Nevertheless, once Whitney had wrapped her mind around the concept of her pseudo-sofa dress, she took the sketches into Kelly's office where the mama hen trained her eyes on them to give her official opinion. Turns out her thoughts weren't that different from Roxy's — the only difference was that when Kelly dismissed an item, it was about ten times more entertaining. Her casual rejection of the couch dress — something along the lines of "Can we say goodbye to this one?" — caused me to cackle for really no other reason than the fact that I'm endlessly amused by Lady Cutrone. Ah, but the best was yet to come.

At long last, The Hills showed some life last night. It wasn't an amazing episode by any means, but at least it was more enjoyable than what we've previously seen this season. So why was this installment better than the rest? Well, I'd like to think the answer to that question begins and ends with the water balloon that nailed Kristin in the face, but it was more than that.

First off, Heidi and Spencer and their increasingly contrived storylines were relegated to the sidelines this week, surfacing only in about one or two scenes. Once again, the baby question has been plaguing the couple, and as Spencer complained about his wife's desire to spawn, that annoying turd Enzo popped up again, ready to interrupt the serenity that was Spence and Charlie hitting balls into a canyon. Look, I'm no fan of Spencer and Charlie (especially not Charlie), but if a kid can make my sympathetic to them, then that kid really must suck. And yes, I have no qualms making fun of wee Enzo because a) he's annoying, and b) his parents consented to have him appear on this show; so it's really their fault.

Nevertheless, Spencer eventually got the rugrat to disappear (no, he did not chuck him into the canyon), and later on, he joined his wife for dinner where again she pestered him about her childless uterus. The pressure to reproduce was great for Heidi because, as she explained, her mom had already had at least one kid by the time she was twenty-three. And look how well that turned out! Surprisingly, this little confrontation was actually enjoyable to watch, mostly because it wasn't the same old dopey bickering from these two. Heidi actually had a sly grin on her face instead of a puffy-lipped pout, and despite Spencer's reeeediculous cowboy hat, I couldn't help but be amused by this showdown. Nevertheless, Spence has the right idea: tie those tubes. No need for Lil Spencers to roam this earth.

Well, The Rachel Zoe Project has LITERALLY come to an end, and now we'll be left with nothing but memories of dramatic gasps and syncopated speech patterns. That's probably a good thing as I felt my brain cells die by the second when i watched this show, but oh, it was such a fun brain cell death. I can't say that every episode had a particularly intriguing or captivating story arc, but oh, it was all worth it for those classic moments when Rachel would Rachel-out — such as her notorious attempt to style "ghosts" and her ongoing struggles with vertigo. Doesn't get much better than that (actually, it does, but just go with it).

Anyway, photocap after the jump.

Tragically, tonight marks the season finale of The Rachel Zoe Project — a show that some believe rivals Mad Men in terms of quality and thoughtfulness. I must say that I sort of fell in love with this series this year, but not because it's really any good. I just think it's the richest source of comic material since perhaps season two of The Hills.

Nevertheless, imitating Rachel's intonations and phrases has become a small hobby of my friends and I, and the other night, jash and I engaged in such mockery on IM. Now, I really don't like when bloggers post their IM conversations because they are invariably never as entertaining to readers as they are to the writer, but I'm hoping this may be an exception to the rule. After the jump, check out our Rachel Zoe conversation. The copy and paste omitted our IM names, but oddly enough, it actually works better if read as one long stream of Rachel Zoe consciousness.

The 1800s had Lincoln-Douglas. The 1900s had Kennedy-Nixon. And now the 2000s already have a contender for the century's most influential and noteworthy debate: Gosselin-Grace (-Nash-Osmand-Frankel-some-other-dude). Yes, in a strange bit of tabloid-milking, The Insider decided to pit Jon Gosselin against a panel of D-List celebrities who would hopefully break him down and realize the error of his ways. Those luminaries included Donny Osmond, Niecy Nash, some guy, Bethenny Frankel, and the one and only Nancy Grace, who tore into Jonny Goss with the sort of ferocity normally exhibited by a rabid wolverine. Why these guests were chosen is still beyond me, and what Lara Spencer et. al. were trying to achieve (aside from ratings) remains a mystery.

Suffice it to say, even if you don't care about the Gosselin saga, this is still highly entertaining stuff. Credit goes to "Kate Gosselin 4-Eva" fanclub founder Andy Dehnart for posting these clips of the showdown. The first is above. Two more — including one with a hilarious Nancy Grace ending — after the jump.

Okay, that headline was a bit of a stretch, but if the song is still in my head a week later, I reserve the right to insert it into as many Housewives posts as I possibly can. That being said, tonight is a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I believe the clip above speaks for itself. After the jump, a bonus clip of Ed Hartwell training for a big comeback that may never happen. It kind of really makes me sad. Alas.

Cougars are all the rage right now. First they had a reality show this summer, then there was Cougar Town (which you should all watch since B-Side Blog recurring guest Sawgee is a writer on it), and now there's this clip of Meredith Vieira trying to snatch some man meat on the set of her game show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The clip is a few months old, but it's still amusing to watch the hostess have a non-menopausal hot flash in front of her innocent Navy prey.

(Of course, when it comes to cougars, nothing compares to the best one of all, captured here in all her glory)

The best part about this season of The Hills? It just makes The City all that more fun to watch. And people, you should be watching. The City trails The Hills in ratings, and that's just not right. The show is awesome! Finally, a series with REAL professionals (albeit in fake situations) with ambition and life goals and a pre-MTV history of competence that makes me giddy. Front and center is Kelly Cutrone, who when she first burst onto The Hills scene a few seasons ago was kind of like the worst ever. Funny how things change. Now she's the BEST ever, mostly because she almost always puts the girls in their place the way we so desperately want to. But even more than that, she actually is (gasp) loving and nurturing and totally on top of her shit — a rarity in reality TV. Yes, she may look like death half the time, but damn I love the sight of Kelly. It always means fun times await.

I'd be loathe to abandon The Hills, seeing how it's brought me so many warm memories and strange real-life experiences (did I mention that time I went to the season four premiere party and became pen pals with Joe Francis? Yes, VERY strange indeed). I do have a special place in my heart for the show, and if I may backdoor brag for another moment, I've met a good number of people who work behind the scenes, and they're all great and do a great job.

That being said, the show is going downhill rapidly. It's not Kristin's fault. She's great. I love her. The fault, as I mentioned last week, is that none of these people DO anything, and thus we're stuck watching their romantic ups and downs, which would be fine if any of them seemed particularly bright (Lo and Kristin excluded). However, they're mostly not very sharp, and while I appreciate vacant eyes as much as anyone else, it's getting to be a bit much.

Nevertheless, I could sit here and complain, or I could be positive and chirp away about the fun stuff in last night's episode. Okay, there was no fun stuff. Just... stuff. The big scandal of the week was that Kristin arranged a lunch with Audrina to discuss the whole Justin Bobby mishap, but (gasp!) Audrina didn't show! Turns out Audrina had better things to do — like shop at a boutique or... shop at another boutique. And when Audrina wasn't shopping, she was helping Epic records pimp out their new ten-years-too-late-for-Lilith-Fair lady band, Verdana. Or Verona. Or Vedera. Something like that. Clearly their name is about as memorable as their music.

After much drama last week, Rachel Zoe and Brad headed off to Paris last night on The Rachel Zoe Project for Fashion Week. This meant that poor Taylor had to stay home and clean up Brad's professional messes while literally everyone else on the show — even that gangly makeup dude who apparently likes to pose for French Vogue while sampling escargot — got to make the trip across the pond. Of course, we all suspect that Tay-Tay enjoys playing the martyr, and when she tried to complain to her parents (who I loved), they pretty much shot her down. That didn't make it any less awful, however, when Brad later called and told Taylor that there was an empty seat at the Chanel show next to him. I'm sure she loved that.

Speaking of Chanel, Rachel and Brad got to live out their dreams by getting an exclusive tour of Coco Chanel's apartment. Don't get me wrong — it was a cool opportunity — but they acted as if they'd been given a private audience with GOD. Afterwards, the two shared tears in a nearby bistro and confessed to bouts of shakiness and ebullience in the wake of being so close to Coco.

Yes, it was all silly, and that's pretty much the way the whole episode was — as usual. Lots of gawking at fashion, followed by over-dramatic proclamations, and silly banter. So the answer is yes — it was hilarious.

Photocap after the jump.

Man did things get heated at Tribal Council on Survivor this week. Jaison finally took Ben up on his borderline (or perhaps not so borderline) racist comments from the week prior, and honestly, Jaison schooled him. It was great to watch. And of course, now Jaison and Shambo (!!!) are my favorites. Will they go all the way this season? Not sure. It depends on if they ever catch on to Russell's evil ways. As for our resident troll, he continues to be awful, but oh so entertaining. I mean, as malicious and vile as this tubby little creature is, at least he has a sense of humor about things. There's no self-righteousness going on — at least not yet. I'm sure that'll all change the moment he's truly backstabbed for the first time (as is always the case with bullies). For now though, he kind of is in control of the game, and that's both scary and fun.

After the jump, a photocap from the latest episode...

LITERALLY, she can't breathe. OMG, this is a pulminarysaster!

There's a new episode of The Rachel Zoe Project on tonight, and with Rachel heading to Paris with Brad, it looks like we'll be in for more over dramatic proclamations than ever before (the question "Did you just have a fashion orgasm?" is posed in one of the clips after the jump). In the video above, Rachel gets stressed (as in vertigo-stressed) and fret that she simply cannot breathe. Specifically, her diagnosis is that she's inhaling, but LITERALLY not taking in oxygen.

After the jump is another video of Rachel and Brad gushing at a fashion show. Plus, a bonus clip of Brad calling Taylor from Paris. Surprise, surprise — she's not happy. (And LITERALLY I rode an escalator with Taylor yesterday in Century City. It was beyond. I die. I die. I didn't say anything though, thus making it a FAMESASTER. Actually, I suppose it would be more of a SHYSASTER). Nevertheless, enjoy the videos.

Earlier today, I posted five Oprah Winfrey Show ads that ran in an issue of TV Guide exactly twenty-three years ago this week. Those were fun and all, but of course TV Guide has more to offer than just Oprah. There's a whole variety of amusing, dated, and amazingly dumb ads to be shared; and so I fired up my scanner yet again this morning, and voila — we now have another handful of goofy advertisements to enjoy from that same issue. If you've ever wanted to see where all the clichés about dumb sitcoms and their even dumber marketing come from, it's all right here

My favorites after the jump...

Yesterday, a friend of mine gave me an old 1986 issue of TV Guide as a joke, and being the cultural anthropologist that I am, I immediately leafed through it to check out the television landscape of yore. Little did I realize that I'd be stumbling on a small treasure trove of classic Oprah print ads. I'm telling you, these things are amazing, and while there are many hilarious advertisements in the magazine (several of which I shall post later today), none compare to what Oprah has to offer. Needless to say, I put my scanner to good use.

After the jump, five Oprah ads from the week of September 27th, 1986 (exactly twenty-three years ago this week)...

It pains me to admit that "Tardy for the Party" is in my head more often than it isn't, but I give all the credit to Kandi Burress for crafting a dumb country ditty into a regrettably catchy dance tune. None of the props, however, go to Kim Zolciak, who on tonight's Real Housewives of Atlanta can be seen laying down the verses to the song in typically atonal fashion. Just like last season, she simply cannot sing, which explains why her voice has been so digitally manipulated on the final cut of "Tardy for the Party." The masochists out there can watch the video above and hear her voice in its raw state. Like a variety of her wigs and dresses — it's not pretty.

I just hope I never hear the song when I'm at a club — only because I know that if I'm a little bit drunk, I might actually dance to it, which is the saddest thing of all (see the Renny video on Youtube for frame a reference). I move the way Kim sings. It's bad. Very bad.

After the jump, check out a bonus video from tonight's show as Sherayay and Duh-wight discuss plans for her big fashion show WITH fashions.

We're about three episodes into Gossip Girl's third season, and I'd be loathe to let another week go by without discussing this most wonderful of teen soaps — the best ever, I might be so bold to say (disclaimer: I never watched 90210 or really any other teen soap except for The OC. My sample size is very small). Anyway, most of the clan has moved on to college, and while we've lost some major wonderful elements of the show (Penelope, Nelly, Hazel, et al.), Gossip Girl still remains greatly watchable and totally fun. I do have some fears about how next week's Tyra Banks-starring episode will play out (see clip above), but if there's anything this series has proven, it's the ability to rebound from daffy storylines and silly diversions (ahem, Jenny's fashion career).

In fact, Gossip Girl should be credited for moving its central characters to college so seamlessly. Perhaps Josh Schwartz learned his lesson after the utter failure which was The OC's college season (which I believe was its last). I don't know what that lesson was, but he learned it, and Gossip Girl seems to be on strong footing. Of course, it helps matters when all the kids are still in NYC, with four of them attending NYU and a fifth, Nate, stranded in the as-yet-to-be-seen netherworld of Columbia (which in real life played the role of Yale on this show last season — maybe they want us to forget that before any further location shoots).

Last night I received an urgent message from my friend Lil Grans who informed me that he had just seen a woman's vagina flash on screen during So You Think You Can Dance. Since I don't watch the show (or any dancing shows really), I was without evidence; so I asked him to take a picture of the screen. He never did, but let's face it — after last week's cookie fiasco, we really couldn't expect much even if he had. Nevertheless, I knew that if Lil Grans had spotted some girl's "pocketbook," surely countless other people — perhaps even bloggers — had seen it too. Sure enough, they had. In fact, Andy Dehnart of Reality Blurred has proven to be quite the vaginal detective as he has tracked down two screen shots of the offending snatch-slip. But fear not, people in cubicles. This is totally work safe. Why? Because according to producer and judge Nigel Lythgoe, what we saw was merely "a crease in the young lady’s panties.” Hmmmm... Lady crease or va-jay-jay? I guess we'll never know. Either way, it does not leave much to the imagination. And really, who needs imagination anyway?

After a summer of suspense, The Hills returned for its fifth season last night (although, I can swear there've been about thirty), and the big news was that Kristin Cavallari had stepped in to take the place of Lauren Conrad's starring role. This wasn't the first time Kristin has ascended to the spotlight. Back in the day, she took the reins from LC on Laguna Beach, and quite honestly, she rocked — turning the silly show into watercooler conversation. I'm not sure she can quite do the same this time around, but that's less Kristin's fault and more the result of the aging show, which has focused more and more on the growing entourage of boys and girls hanging onto these MTV stars. Whereas we used to have a core of girls with a few sidekicks to spice things up, we now have a full posse of Hollywood douches and idiots — Brody, Frankie, Sleazy T, Jayde, Stacie The Bartender (whose official title on the show is literally "The Bartender"), Stephanie, Justin Bobby, etc. etc. The list goes on, and it gets worse the deeper you get into it.

The good news is that Kristin is great. She IS a bitch, and she's gonna have fun with the situation. Already in the first episode she told Stephanie Pratt to shut the fuck up, and if that's not a wonderful thing, I don't know what is. Sadly, she seems drawn to Justin Bobby, whose mangy beard must have several organisms burrowing inside of it by now. Sure, he's no Joaquim Phoenix, but he's heading in that direction very soon. I just hope that Kristin's romantic overtures toward him are based solely in pissing off Audrina because I'm not sure I have it in me to see her truly fall for this dirtbag. Then again, I don't think I have it in me to see her fall for any of the dudes in this group — especially not Brody, who continues to elongate his "L" sounds in the most douchey of ways (ie. "relayytoinship").

Nevertheless, Kristin looks like she'll be keeping this season a bit spicier than usual, and I'm most excited to see her confrontation with the Jager-chugging Jayde, who seems about one tattoo away from jumping on the Rock of Love bus, if you know what I'm saying (she's trashy). Sure, The Hills is far past its prime, and it certainly draws more disdain than guilty pleasure these days (my heart has moved on to The City), but I'll still be following.

After the jump, a photocap of the premiere....

It was a big premiere night for MTV last night as both The City and The Hills kicked off their respective seasons in a one hour block of furtive glares and pretty, petty drama. I suppose it's The Hills that's garnered all the hype with the arrival of Kristin Cavallari, but honestly, after watching both, it's The City that truly shines as worthwhile TV. Don't worry -- there'll be a Hills photocap, but I figure why not start with the superior show?

The problem with The Hills is that the overall cast has become sort of... awful. I love Kristin Cavallari as much as anyone else, but the vapidity of the entire crew has become impossible to ignore. Lauren Conrad's departure has meant a greater emphasis on the likes of Brody, Frankie, and Justin Bobby -- three gentlemen who bring nothing but douchiness and a faint trace of body odor to the table. These people don't DO anything, which isn't a problem in and of itself, but unfortunately, they also don't bring anything interesting to the table. Instead they just bounce from one Hollywood hotspot to another, chronically underdressed and reeking from a sense of entitlement (and the aforementioned body odor). Of course, slobs and privilege do not a bad show make... but in this case it does. It's evident that the group has become self-aware of their MTV fame -- the girls are all shinier and augmented (nice new lips and nose, Stephanie "Mrs. Potatohead" Pratt), and the guys are all deliberately unkempt. We've created monsters, and while it's still amusing to follow their awful antics, one can't help but wonder when any of them will do something noteworthy with their lives.

This feels especially true after watching the season premiere of The City, which has smartly refocused away from the tiresome love-life of Whitney and onto the career ambitions of her and her pals. And by pals, I mean the treacherous she-dragons she surrounds herself with. Gone are the ever annoying Jay and Adam and Erin. In their place is a brazen troublemaker named Roxy, who already has shown more personality than any of the axed cast members combined. While the scenarios and situations of The City are just as contrived as those on The Hills, at least there seems to be a certain element of realism involved. These cast members actually interface with "adults" and real working professionals, rather than existing in some strange bubble of Los Angeles awfulness. Unlike Brody, Stephanie, Kristin, Spencer, and Audrina, who all maintain some sort of illusion that they run Hollywood, the girls of The City -- even Olivia -- are at least somewhat aware that they're just cogs in the massive machine that is New York. And that socially aspirant element (mixed with the presence of more than a handful of brain cells) is simply way more entertaining to watch.

Sorry to be tardy for the party on this post, but I only got around to watching last week's Real Housewives of Atlanta last night, and after a two week absence, I'm back with a photocap. So much has gone on since I last did one of these. Kim recorded "Tardy for the Party," Kim kicked Nene off the record, Kim reunited with Big Poppa, Kim started dropping $32,000 on middling necklaces, Kim fell down a staircase, Kim scratched up her legs, Kim fed her daughters more crappy food, Kim drank more wine, and Kim's boobs inflated just a tad more. Seriously, her bosoms are expanding at an alarming rate. It's almost like a titty version of The Blob. Nevertheless, sparks flew this week when Kim revealed to Nene that she would NOT be recording on the "Tardy for the Party" track. This sent Nene into a whirlwind of anger, and she became downright bitchy and awful — during Sherayay's INDEPENDENCE PARTY, no less! Look, we all love Nene, but if she can make Kim seem like the mature one in a situation, something's wrong. True, it was sort of effed up of Kim to bump Nene off the song after months of begging, but still, it's really not that big of a deal. Nene was just on a rampage that night, and after she was done with Kim, she wound up going off on poor Kandi, who almost lost it herself. Luckily, the singer kept her mouth shut like a closed pocketbook (and by pocketbook, I mean vagina. And by vagina, I mean TWAT, which is apparently okay to say on TV — thank you Lisa Wu Hartwell).

Speaking of pocketbooks, Lisa and Kandi participated in a rip-off of The Vagina Monologues called The Pocketbook Monologues — and no, it was not a tribute to offerings of Coach and Talbots. It was just a different word for vagine (and yes, this will make me snicker now every time a woman says "This damn pocketbook. I can NEVER find anything in here!"). Lisa seemed to do a proficient reading of her monologue ("A Closed Pocketbook"), and Kandi pulled off what appeared to be a very powerful version of hers ("A Broken Pocketbook"). I can only imagine what sort of monologue Kim would have been given. I'm gonna go with "Close Your Pocketbooks To Married Men."

Nevertheless, while some of the ladies were emoting about their "triangle between the legs," Sherayay was getting her Betty all excited about a portrait. Yes, this most modest of women decided to commission a GIANT painting of herself that she'd then reveal at her own oft-delayed Independence party. Talk about class. Amusingly, Sherayay boasted the credits of her artist, saying that he's done politicians and high profile people such as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Britney Spears. First of all, the inclusion of Britney Spears on that list is amusing enough. However, I'm more amused that Sherayay would imply that major dignitaries would sit with this man — people like Barack Obama or Bill Clinton or Queen Elizabeth — but in reality, her examples are two guys that have been dead for over a century. Of course, any world leader, dead or alive, would pale next to Sherayay, and I'm proud to announce that this artist has finally reached the pinnacle of his career. Well done to all involved.

Anyhow, enough babble. Let's move on to the photos.

If the latest episode of The Rachel Zoe Project felt a bit like Arrested Development, that's because like Lucille II, Rachel came down with (spoiler!) VERTIGO! Yes, the source of her DEADLY NAUSEA was none other than stress-induced vertigo, a.k.a. The Spins. On the one hand, I felt bad for our ailing stylist. On the other hand, I couldn't help but laugh as I imagined her in a constant state of dizziness. Cruel, I know. I apologize, Team Zoe. Nevertheless, the doctor prescribed a lifestyle change, informing Rachel she had to do less and ease up on the stress. So what did Rachel do? She holed herself up in her Westwood apartment and organized an auction of old jewelry. Oh, and she also let her team disintegrate by tasking Taylor and Brad to figure out which one of them would go to Paris. This was poor personnel management at its best — not that Rachel has really shown any ability to manage her "styling associates" in the past. As one might expect, Taylor and Brad sort of got into it, and while the obvious choice would have been for Taylor to go to Paris as she is the more senior member of the team, she instead opted to let Brad go to Europe instead because, let's face it, he would have been pissy for five weeks had she not. Besides, you know that for Taylor the glory of holding her sacrifice over Brad indefinitely far outshines the allure of Paris any day.

After the jump, pics from the episode...

"I want B-Side to write the recaps the way he used to!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Hills and The City premiere tomorrow on MTV, and in case the (sort of nonexistent) PR machine hadn't informed you already, we here at B-Side Blog have the luxury of having our very own psycho reader to remind us of all the details. Yes, it's the one and only Dumb Bitch — née Michelle Coleman — back to harass us again about recapping the shows. Even though she swore she'd never write another email ever again, we knew she couldn't hold to that promise because, well, she's a dumb bitch. Here's the latest!

Listen up!!! You better be gearing up for The Hills and The City tomorrow night!!! The new night is Tuesdays at 10 & 10:30pm!!! I want full recaps of the shows this time around!!! Please don't pull that shit you did last time of putting up half ass recaps!!! You know how I like it!!! I want the recaps from back in the day!!! You've had all summer to prepare for battle so I want some funny shit!!! You better write the best recaps of all time!!! Your fans are waiting!!! You can't disappoint me this time!!! I LOVE THE HILLS & THE CITY!!! They're my fav and Spencer looks SO HOT this season!!! Let me repeat SO FUCKING HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I now must pose the question: do we think this girl is just Spencer or Heidi fucking with me? Is it a shrewd MTV employee getting free publicity for the show? Or should I be concerned for my safety? If I wind up with my neck slit... well, I suppose that won't answer anything — it really could be all of the above. But at least we'll have the memories of these emails. Nevertheless, my full response to Dumb Bitch is after the jump.

Raise your hand if you're loving this season of Survivor? You probably can't tell, but my hand is up. Way up. Unless you are excessively bitter and have no taste, Survivor: Samoa is amazing so far, replete with villains, patsies, and a few underdogs (SHAMBO) who probably won't get their act together, but hey, such is life. Of course, the breakout star is Russell H., the asshole bulldog, who you just have to hate... but slightly admire. I mean, he's terrible, but all his schemes and plans have sort of worked. He even found the damn immunity idol without any concrete knowledge that it had existed. Unlike other awful reality stars (say, Evel Dick from Big Brother), I must begrudgingly give Russell some props. And that being said, I can't wait for his schemes to catch up with him (assuming they do... oh, please let them).

Before Community premiered last week, I had some concerns. All the promotional clips NBC had sent out were kind of... well... just okay. Still, I like to check out new comedy, and the New York Times gave the show a good review; so I watched the first episode earlier this week and kind of loved it. The banter is fast, snarky, and very smart. Plus, the fact that so much of the show takes place in a study group, the emphasis seems to be on funny dialogue, which is a great (and welcome) callback to the sitcoms of yore. But would be Community be a one hit wonder? No. Turns out the second episode was just as hilarious, and with the addition of Ken Jeong (the crazy Asian dude in every movie these days, viz. The Hangover), the show just got even better. In fact, I'm tempted to say it's the best new comedy of the fall (and I know everyone LOVES Modern Family — which is also very funny). Nevertheless, in the clip above, Jeong makes his debut on the show with a daffy monologue that he pretty much owns. I was never a particularly huge fan of his, but I might have to rethink that now.

Have you seen Community? What do you think of it?

Gossip broke today when Washington wag Carol Joynt reported that the new cast of the Real Housewives of D.C. had been finalized. Of course, nothing is official, and for all we know, this Carol Joynt — or CJ as I'm wont to call her — may be completely off her rocker. But according to NBC Washington, CJ is the "queen of the Washington D.C. social scene" (perhaps sarcasm is intended); so who am I deny her morsels of gossip? Besides, rumor is fact. We all know that. Oh, and this info was sent to me by someone from NBC, which leads me to believe there may be truth to it. Or not.

Pics and identities of the alleged cast after the jump.

IT'S A BRADSASTER! Rachel Zoe has come down with... a cold! Or maybe a stomach virus. Or perhaps food poisoning. Whatever it is, she feels terrible and wants to throw up. Yes, this was the state of affairs at the end of last night's The Rachel Zoe Project, and as the dramatic stylist was returned to her condo for a rejuvenating nap in her robe and bangles, the big question on everyone's mind was: WILL RACHEL DIE?

Literally.

Just about the only one who didn't seem concerned about imminent death was Roger, the only sane person on this wacky, wacky television show. In fact, he seemed so confident that Rachel's ailment was a big nothing that he even kissed her on the lips. Ewwww. Look, she's not gonna die, but she's still sick. THIS IS HOW SWINE FLU IS SPREAD, PEOPLE!

Anyway, the much-hyped illness was only a brief coda on the episode (which even featured an all too dramatic "To Be Continued" at the end). Most of the show pertained to a rather uninteresting photo shoot, which we'll try not to re-live, and a truly hilarious attempt to weave Rachel into an animated webisode for Ashton Kutcher. I won't get into the details, but needless to say, it all culminated in Rachel engaging with invisible characters (or "GHOSTS" as she called them) in the middle of a room. It really doesn't get much more amazing than that. Many "ohmygods" were had.

After the jump, pictures from the episode...

Rachel vs. the concept of animation.

There's another new episode of The Rachel Zoe Project on tonight, and if these previews are any indication, it's gonna be more ridiculous than ever. In the first video, Rachel grapples with the concept of having to offer fashion advice to animated characters. That's right — for some reason, she's doing some sort of weird video where she's giving couture to invisible people, which leaves her saying both her trademark "Oh... mygod" to the director and then babbling to empty space. It's quite a sight to behold.

In the second clip (the first half of which you can skip over since it's just Taylor complaining to some woman), we find Rachel suffering from some ailment that has left her shaking and wanting to throw up everywhere (specifically on Taylor). Again, the dramatic staccato statements ensue ("ohmygod. I could throw up. Everywhere. I'm dying." — not a direct quote). Check out that video after the jump...

OMG, as they say. Survivor: Samoa kicked off last night, and I think I'm not being too hyperbolic in saying that it was one of the best, if not THE best, season openers of all time. Sadly, this is probably thanks to Russell H. (not to be confused with gentle, likable Russel S., who may or may not be a lost member of the Dave Matthews Band). Yes, Russell H. has lived up to the hype and proven to be a totally AWFUL villain right off the bat; however, while I instantly hated him, I love that he's there because truthfully, we would not have had as tense, cutthroat, and totally enjoyable episode to kick off the season. But don't get me wrong: Russell's pretty terrible. He burned people's socks; he emptied water canteens; he told lies about Hurricane Katrina; and he railroaded one of the more likable and bright characters right off the show. Awful.

But the success of this first episode does not squarely fall on Russell's stocky shoulders alone. The cast as a whole seems to be pretty awesome. Lots of strong, interesting personalities right out of the gate. We have some supremely likable characters — SHAMBO, Russell S., Betsy (the "old" cop, who is also my total favorite), Jaison (pronounced jay-saaahn, I believe), and Marisa. We have some assholes — Ben (the self-proclaimed hillbilly), rocket scientist John, possibly Erik (but he could wind up being cool), and obviously Russell H.. And we have some sass potential in Yasmin (who looks to be getting into a fight next week) and Ashley (who refuses to be called weak, even though she probably is). Oh, and I liked the urban planner Elizabeth who's loathe to take on Asian stereotypes... unless they're flattering.

Point is, Samoa is off to a terrific start. Some casts just have "it," and this one seems to be one of them. Crossing my fingers that the season just keeps getting better. And in the meantime, photos after the jump...

Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler once again returned to their "REALLY!?!" bit last night on Saturday Night Live Update Thursday, and this time their target was Kanye West (as well as some digs at Joe Wilson and Serena Williams). The results, as usual, were pretty amusing (although nothing will ever top the original Michael Vick "REALLY!?!"). I particularly enjoyed the line about the grandmothers. If you missed it, the clip is above...

All summer long, The Wrap journalist Josef Adalian (or Joey 'Dals, as I am wont to call him) has been interviewing Big Brother executive producer Allison Grodner after every eviction. She often provides interesting tidbits about the previous week and little teasers about what's to come. Well, the season is over now; so Mr. Adalian was able to get one last interview with the BB head honcho. The responses range from amusing to interesting, but what intrigued me the most was Grodner's reaction to Natalie's reasoning behind why Jessie didn't vote for her during the finale. For those who haven't been following the post-game interviews, Natalie has claimed that Jessie more or less wanted to DO HER and that she spurned his romantic overtures because she's a taken woman. Natalie then insisted that in her goodbye message to Jessie, she told him off, which surely made him bitter (a state that was only exacerbated by her later engagement, which she claims made Jessie super jealous). If all this sounds fishy, that's because it is. And when Natalie made these wild claims in front of Julie Chen and the finale audience, audible snickers and moans could be heard from the crowd. After all, Natalie spent two months idolizing Jessie. It simply doesn't make sense that she'd suddenly reveal that she'd told him off in her goodbye message (when just moments later she was crying for him at the dinner table and in the diary room). It sounded like another Natalie lie, which gets me back to Allison Grodner, who doesn't necessarily accuse the loathed houseguest of duplicity (after all, she has an obligation to be nice to all of them), but I think we can read between the lines on this one:

Joey 'Dals: Some of the final votes were shockers. Like Jessie voting for Jordan.

Grodner: It was surprising. I never would've thought he'd choose Jordan over Natalie. Natalie claims something in her goodbye message was nasty to Jessie. But nobody here remembers that. I think something happened in the jury house, maybe with Lydia, to change his mind.

"Nobody here remembers that." Translation: SHE'S A LYING IDIOT!!! (My words, not hers)

Anyway, to read the full interview, check it out here.

Here's a shocker: this season of Big Brother, which looked like it was gonna wind up with a miserable outcome, suddenly beat the odds and gave us a fan favorite as the victor. That's right, Jordan brought her A-game to last night's finale, winning not just the final HOH, but the whole damn show. The key for her was dropping Kevin, who surely would have won against her with the jury. Instead, by taking Natalie, Jordan managed to curry favor with her ex-roommates, who seemed equally annoyed with the Tae Kwon Do champion as the rest of America. I will admit that I really wanted to see Kevin win HOH and backstab Natalie, but while we missed out on that moment, we got a taste of it when Jessie, of all people, voted for Jordan to win. Natalie couldn't even hide her disappointment. For the past month, she's been babbling about being loyal to Jessie, and then when she needs him most, he up and screws her over. Hahaha. COSMIC JUSTICE.

Nevertheless, I was most delighted to see Jordan pull out the HOH victory, even if it meant flirting with disaster by having Natalie in the final two. Based on the jury segments, however, I felt fairly confident that Jordan could snag the big win. And speaking of those segments, I absolutely loved the little "roundtable" piece where Jeff pretty much spent the entire time making fun of Jessie and Lydia. It was like he was saying my exact thoughts. I especially liked his comment that it didn't matter what age Natalie was, she acted as if she were twelve. To quote dearest Sheila from season nine, THANK YEW!

Overall, the two hour episode format was a great improvement as it gave the finale the time it always deserved. Gone were the overly rushed segments, and in its place a pretty solid Q&A with the houseguests, courtesy of Julie Chen who moderated the discussion quite well, despite being hampered with what looked like a blue bed sheet that had just fallen on top of her. You know, after a season of cute maternity garb, I don't know why she would opt for something that looked like a glorified smock. But that's why we love Julie. You never know what she'll do next.

As for the jury, I was really hoping they'd grill Natalie about her lies more. Michele touched on it a bit when she slyly called her an eighteen year old, but where was the most obvious question of all: "How can you claim to have been honest and maintained your word when you've lied about your age the entire game." BAM. That would have totally thrown her off guard. But instead, the jury kept it polite, only asking variations of "Why do you deserve to win?" I loved having the final stage of the HOH comp play out in the finale, but alas, the taped jury segments of seasons past were better, if only because they were so much more vitriolic.

Still, the one I was rooting for won; so I really can't complain. And even better, Natalie got stuck with a totally unheralded exit from the house. While the confetti flew for Jordan and everyone hugged her, Natalie quietly moseyed down the catwalk, giving high fives to the one or two people who either noticed or cared. It was so sad yet so perfect.

Sigh. And now the season is over. Pictures after the jump!

Well, I've just finished watching another episode of The Rachel Zoe Project, and I've yet to actually find anything compelling about the show. Sure, this week there was insight into how Rachel deals with the media and issues with her gaunt frame, but overall, there's simply not a lot of fascinating stuff on screen. The only thing that keeps me tuned in is the ridiculous banter that streams from everyone's mouths. I guess that counts as compelling. Either way, while I still find the series to be amazingly shallow, it's just too photocap-worthy to be ignored.

Pics after the jump...

Well, we're at the end of the Big Brother season. Tonight marks the two hour finale where hopefully Natalie will be deprived of $500,000 (perhaps even the runner-up $50,000 prize) and be confronted with all her lies and awfulness. Sadly though, this is Big Brother, and such lofty dreams rarely come true. Nevertheless, it was wonderful watching her LOSE part two of the Head of Household competition on Thursday — a competition that made my heart race entirely way more than it should have. I'm hoping that Jordan pulls off the surprise victory tonight, but let's face it — she's still a long shot. Kevin is the odds-on favorite to win. If he takes Natalie, he'll surely take the big prize because the jury seems annoyed at the little Maltese's duplicity. Kevin, at least, has played fairly honestly and has made some big moves. The jury will like that. Still, I want Jordan to win. If she and Kevin head to the final two together, he's still probably going to emerge victoriously, but who knows — Jordan will have Jeff's vote, maybe Michele's, and if Natalie winds up on the jury as a result of Kevin backstabbing her, maybe she'll give her vote to Jordan too. Probably not though. After all, Natalie is AWFUL and would never do anything good like that. Of course, should Kevin backstab Natalie at the last second, I'd be totally fine with him earning the big prize. It would be worth it to see the look on Natalie's stupid face (meanwhile, I can guarantee that the look on Kevin's face would be obscured by his hands firmly placed on his cheeks).

Anyway, there's no use getting into a tizzy about tonight. The results will be here soon enough. In the meantime, photos from the previous two episodes after the jump...

Apparently there are only two things you can do in Atlanta: photo shoots and fashion shows. Well, last week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, we got to see a photo shoot (one of those alter-ego thangs that are ALLLLL the rage!). This week, we got a fashion show. WITH fashions! What a revelation! Yes, the busy beaver that is Lisa Wu Hartwell decided to expand beyond just her joory line and launch a new label, Closet Freak. Gotta say -- I don't love the name, mostly because it kind of sounds like it's catering towards closet gay guys who enjoy deviant behavior, but that's just me. At least it's better than She By Shereé, the phantom fashion line that has yet to actually debut any garments or sartorial vision. Of course, if you ask Sherayay, you'd think her wares were on sale in every boutique from Fifth Avenue to Rodeo. The woman acts like the second coming of Anna Wintour and certainly did not hide her disdain for Lisa's attempts to break into the fashion industry. But of course, at least Lisa's clothes are tangible, which may have stoked some jealousy in Sherayay. Why else would she arrive so late to the fashion show? Oh that's right. Her kid had a MIDNIGHT RECITAL. Don't you hate when schools do that?

Speaking of kids, we saw a little bit of parenting from both Nene and Kim last night. Nene scolded her son for looking a mess and having no ambition. Her motherly instincts were great fun to watch, and while I'm not sure cornrows are gonna automatically make him a respectable member of society, at least Nene has the right idea of what his future should be. Meanwhile, Kim honed her inner-Teresa Giudice and took her seven year old child on a $3,000 shopping spree. You know, Kimmay, it's okay to say NO once in a while. And besides, if you keep plumping your kids up with the Chick-Fil-A and McDonalds, they're not gonna be able to fit into those expensive duds anyway. Why waste the money? But if anyone appreciates some bodily inflation, it's Kim, who lets her ta-tas hang out like two wobbly cantaloups any chance she gets. Case in point: Kim's wig party, which was highly unimpressive. It looked like she'd just busted open a bunch of hair pieces from the Halloween display at Target. The blame probably lies squarely with Kim's odd gay sidekick whose personal style alone would certainly give me a red flag or two. Not sure he'd be my go-to man to launch anything fashionable. But this is Kim. Taste isn't necessarily her forte. In fact, not much seems to be her forte -- except, of course, chain smoking, guzzling white wine, and singing poorly. It's kind of a shame knowing that Kandi's good work with the "Tardy for the Party" backing track will soon be utterly ruined by Kim's musically challenged voice. Oh well. It's all part of the fun, I guess.

Photos after the jump.

Well, the cheftestants are still toiling out in the middle of Sin City, and in since I haven't done a Top Chef photocap in a few weeks, let's recap briefly what's happened in the season so far. Basically, all the women have sucked except Jen; Ashley gets angry at anything and everything; the Voltaggio Brothers are destined for the finals; Michael likes to THINK he's as good as the Voltaggios, but really all he does is piggyback on them; and that girl Jesse turns red really easily and cries. Of course, we won't have to worry too much about Jesse's tomato face because SPOILER ALERT she got cut in last night's high-stakes Quickfire challenge. Sort of sucks for her, but let's face it -- she was really screwing up every week anyway. Her time had come. And honestly, did anyone really think she'd be able to pull off an escargot dish? No, not really. Speaking of escargot, I love eating those little snails, and that Quickfire challenge had me salivating at the mouth. As fun as it was though, it was nothing compared to the Elimination challenge, which had the chefs pairing up classic French proteins with classic French sauces using, as I'm sure Ina Garten would be happy to announce, classic French techniques. If ever there was a challenge to get my stomach growling, it was this one.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta is on once again tonight, and it looks like we've got some petty drama coming our way. First, Sherayay arrives fashionably late to Lisa's very own fashion show -- so fashionably late that she misses the entire thing. Passive-aggression? Or a genuine mishap? I'm sure various squabbles shall reveal all. A clip of this very scandalous behavior is above.

After the jump, check out a clip of Nene wearing Kim's wig and making fun of her to her face, leading to general awkwardness. Also, "Tardy for the Party" slowly comes together as Kandi takes the tune to some producers who make a fairly catchy backing track -- which will later be ruined by Kim's vocals.

It seems as though every season, Big Brother produces a villain (or three) so vile and loathsome, viewers can't help but be consumed with frustration every time he or she appears on screen. Whether they're spouting hateful language, indulging in self-pity, preening with self-righteousness, engaging in character assassination, or simply being awful, these people are sometimes so intolerable and irritating, it's hard to imagine that they could have any fans at all.

Currently, the Most Terrible Person EVER is Natalie, the irritating pest who has annoyed America with her shrill voice, malicious scheming, and generally humorless presence (not to mention her aversion to such things as showers and general cleanliness). But is she really the worst Big Brother contestant ever? Let's look back at some previous bastards and bitches and see who's truly the bottom of the barrel.

Oh, the cruel fates of Big Brother. Not only did we see the lovable but dense Jeff exit the house last week, but we also had to endure the horrendous reign of Natalie (known alternatively as Gnat or NataLIE) in the house. This meant that for two episodes, we were exposed to her high-pitch, nails-on-a-chalkboard voice squawk humorlessly about who knows what. The girl is awful. Simply awful. And if you have your doubts, look no further than her tenuous HOH win where she first proclaimed that she triumphed by keeping her word (not really — she has no word, considering her entire tenure in the house has been predicated on a lie) and then gave a shout-out to Chima, one of the more loathed contestants in recent years (although, nowhere near the awfulness that is Natalie). If you are the friends you keep, then Natalie's really got some problems in the character department.

Once Natalie ascended to power, she continued her questionable hygiene practices (on the live feeds, she was caught scraping down the bottom of her feet INTO THE HOT TUB) and then opened a second Pandora's Box. The downside for her was great — she couldn't compete in the Veto competition. The upside was that she could spend some time with her boyfriend in a little room. She walked in, and this guy (who must be deaf and lacking olfactory senses) immediately dropped to his knee and PROPOSED to his greasy mosquito. I wish I could say the moment was terribly emotional or at least afforded us a glimpse into perhaps a likable side of Natalie, but no. It was nothing of the sort. She just sort of stood there and said okay. It was as if someone had offered her a sample at Costco. Long story short: she's an idiot, but he's an even bigger idiot for lusting after her.

Last week, news broke that Lorne Michaels had dropped Michaela Watkins and Casey Wilson from Saturday Night Live. Casey Wilson's ouster was understandable. She never quite made an impression, and her acting skills were questionable. But Michaela Watkins? That's the big question mark. Fans were already pegging her as the Next Big Thing. Her Arianna Huffington impersonation was spot-on, and her giggling, straight-man Hoda Kotb was the perfect foil to Kristin Wiig's loony Kathy Lee Gifford in what became an instant favorite sketch — the fourth hour of the Today Show parody. But even more importantly, Watkins had Angie Tempura, an internet gossip blogger whose signature line — "Bitch pleeeeeze" — ascended to the ranks of catch phrase, that all important brass ring that so many cast members hope to grab. I know my friends and I say it, and I've heard others do the same.

So with all these things going for Watkins in her first year alone, why on Earth would she be dropped? It simply doesn't make sense. And if anyone has to go, why keep fellow rookie Abby Elliot? She's not necessarily bad, but she's hardly made the impression that Watkins had. It all leads me to believe we have some sort of high-level conspiracy going on. Perhaps this is the second coming of Norm MacDonald, who was axed because he made too many O.J. Simpson jokes (Simpson was a friend of an NBC exec at the time). So what could it be? Who did Michaela offend???

What do you think? Should Michaela Watkins have been dropped? And if SNL needs to cut some fat, who should Lorne Michaels have dropped instead?

Okay, The Rachel Zoe Project is really cracking me up. Everyone on the show speaks in such dire ways about seemingly every small detail in their life, it's borderline comedy. Part of me wants to clamp earmuffs on so I don't have to hear the ridiculous commentary on screen... and yet another part of me is oddly fascinated by these people and what they perceive as insurmountable DISASTERS awaiting them in the form of floppy undergarments and slightly irritating tulle. I know that every job has its own unique pressures and dilemmas, but sometimes the frenzy Rachel and Brad and to an extent Taylor find themselves in seems a bit overblown. I guess that's why they have a TV show.

Anyway, pics from tonight's episode after the jump.

Okay, I'm not gonna write a whole big thing today about Big Brother except to say that it looks like Jeff's hours are numbered, and Natalie is getting entirely too close to the big prize for it to be cool. The bratty girl has been getting on my every last nerve, and for those of you who don't follow the live feeds, there are plenty of annoying things she does that never make it to air. For instance, yesterday — did you know that she was cutting her nails in bed, and when she was done, she swept her clippings onto the floor and left them there? Or how about this: she's been caught by the cameras (and by Kevin at least once) cheating in pool. She either sticks her hands in the pockets to keep the balls from going in, or when no one's looking, she's been caught removing balls entirely from the table. It's so small and petty, and yet it totally speaks to her awful, awful character. This girl has got to go. And Kevin hopefully will follow right behind her (but unlikely). The kid whines so much, but that's not all. This week he's taken to bleating "I'm scared!!" at seemingly every opportunity he can get. Maybe I'm just cranky from my plague, but I can't deal anymore. Le sigh.

Pictures after the jump....

Last night I stumbled upon The Rachel Zoe Project, which I had never watched nor ever really cared to watch, but given that there was nothing else on, and I needed some passing entertainment, I decided to give it a whirl. What I discovered was a thoroughly shallow show that was, oddly enough, difficult to turn away from. I think that's probably because of the star, Ms. Zoe herself, who stalks through each scene with her own set of quirky phrases and neologisms -- bon mots that should be insufferable but instead wind up bizarrely amusing. She's clearly in her own little world, and she speaks her own special language to her gaggle of gays and peons, and we're just left to watch on the sidelines, wondering if what we're seeing is actually real. Well, it is, and to Rachel Zoe's credit, she certainly moves in some very swanky circles (although, I did see her once pushing a cart along in Trader's Joes -- the same one where Jasmine Fiore's car was found outside of last week!). Anyway, the point is, when I saw the show, I knew I had to photocap it in some form. A few pictures after the jump...

"We gotta good one for you tonight, America!"

Well, I've been slacking on my Big Brother photocaps (pneumonia and all), but I had a little energy today; so I decided to put one together in between naps. Sadly, one of my favorite players of the season has exited the house. I'm talking of course about Russell. He wasn't my #1, but I always felt he was significantly smarter than he was given credit for; although, this last week showed the limits of his strategy. There were a few ways he could have gone about saving himself once he was put on the block in the Veto Ceremony. First, he could have not yelled and screamed at everyone. I know that was his way of proving to Kevin that he could be a pitbull worth keeping in the house, but really, that strategy was such a long shot, it's a bit puzzling why he even bothered sacrificing his moral character just for some last ditch play that was most certainly doomed.

A better move would have been to have stayed calm and sweet-talked Jordan. He should have acted like it was all no big deal and then maybe float the idea of blindsiding Natalie. The temptation to see Natalie's smug little terrier face go slackjawed may have been enough to turn Jordan, especially if Russell could also plant some seeds of doubt about Natalie's loyalty to J&J. But alas, therein lies Russell's third major error: he failed to keep Jordan and Jeff suspicious of Natalie and Kevin, who are currently forming the whiniest, brattiest alliance in quite some time. They're also playing the game exactly the way they should, which is most frustrating of all.

Ah, but who cares? Kevin and Natalie drive me nuts. For the longest time, Kevin was a non-entity, but lately, he's been bugging me. He just sort of wafts about the house in a mopey state of ennui, hidden in baggy tank tops and cavernous hoodies. At the start of the season, he promised us he'd be some sort of ghetto fabulous force to be reckoned with, but we've yet to see any sparks of that personality, save the one or two times an episode when he suddenly remembers his obligations to his persona and whips off a randomly sassy comment in the Diary Room. Most of the time, however, he merely shuffles about, his hands covering his mouth and his eyes in a state of perpetual dread. It's a bit annoying.

And then there's Natalie. What else needs to be said about her? She barks like a small dog, sounds like a small bird, and acts like a small child. Kevin, while boring and bland, is at least tolerable. If he wound up in the final two, I would be fine. Natalie, however, needs to go home ASAP. She's simply too awful. But in the meantime, we're stuck with her.

After the jump, photos from Thursday's episode.

The new cast of Survivor: Samoa was revealed this week, and based on the photos released to the press, I think we can make a few assumptions: a) this cast is more bikini-tastic than ever. b) huh. I guess that was it. Okay, so it was really only one assumption, but that's alright. It looks like we got our usual mix of pretty Los Angeles bartender types mixed with a few oddball older people who will mostly be weeded out by week three or four. You know, I like the eye-candy as much as anyone else, but sometimes I wish the entire cast was FILLED with the crazies. What a season THAT would be. Casting people — what do you think?

Anyway, onto a preview of the cast.

There are many things I expect to encounter on an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Free flowing glasses of wine? Check. Oversized wigs? Check. Poets and helicopters? Semi-check. But a festive gathering of the ENTIRE CAST at a King Tut viewing? Didn't see that one coming. And yet, that's exactly what happened. Midway through the episode, Nene casually announced that oh yeah, she had a private viewing for King Tut, and maybe some people might want to get together and join her. Wh-wh-wh-whaaa? Since when did Nene go to private mummy viewings? And since when did people on this show do cultural activities in general? Clearly never, as evidenced by Kim's typically dim response ("Who's King Tut???").

Anyway, at first I thought Nene meant that she was going to see King Tut and THEN meet up with the ladies for some post-antiquities fun at an Atlanta hotspot, but no. She really wanted to get everyone together to LOOK AT KING TUT. Oh, if only this historical figure knew what his life had become: a staging area for drunken snickering on the set of a low-rent Bravo reality show. Quite the legacy indeed. What's next? The Real Housewives of Orange County visits the Terracotta Army? (I would love to see that actually. You know Lynne's mind would be totally blown. Hmmm... my next mashup?)

And so the amazing week that was on Big Brother is over. Chima is gone, her alliance has been decimated, and now we're left with the "good people" in the majority. Hallelujah. So now what? It's the unfortunate paradox of reality TV. If the people you hate stay in power, you're stuck in agony. If the people you love prove to be triumphant, then you're bored. That's why season six was so utterly amazing. The constant swinging of the pendulum — along with Janelle's resiliency — was nothing short of captivating television. Don't get me wrong, I am still mighty high on this season now. I'm just experiencing the first stages of "coming down" off my high.

Top Chef is back, and this season, it's headed to Las Vegas. It's a bit too early to scope out who the stars are, but it seems as though the talent is a tad higher this season, what with the scattering of James Beard nominees and Michelin star recipients. The two brothers, whose names escape me, seem like serious contenders, as does the winner of this week's elimination challenge (who shall go by Red Beard until I get my act together and look at the bio page on Bravo). I kind of like the self-anointed bitch of the season — the one who worked under Eric Ripert in Philadelphia. Why do I like her? Well, she worked under Eric Ripert in Philadelphia. That's enough for me. Also, she said she can make men cry; so that would be fun too.

In terms of trends, this season seems to be all about the tattoos. Yes, faux-hawks are so season five (and four and three and two and one). This time around, it's all about tats, but not just any tats. I'm talking about TERRIBLE TATS. I'm not opposed to tattoos, per se, but I am opposed to ugly, poorly placed, and generally dumb-looking body art. And this season is all about it. Seemingly everyone has a splotch of nasty ink on their shins or neck or elbow or earlobe. Again, not all the tats are bad, but maaaan, between these people and Lydia on Big Brother, there's a lot of piss poor tattoo representation on TV these days.

Nevertheless, it was great to see our judges back in action, and don't think I didn't laugh when a chef handed Gail a giant plate of doughnuts, causing her to say "Dessert first for me!" Bless her heart. I suppose also now would be a good time to make my biannual announcement that I love Gail and don't think she's fat, despite what the jokes on this blog might suggest. People always ask me why I come down on her so hard. I don't come down on her. I make fun of a fictional condescension that I pretend her fellow judges have for her. Yes, I know a bad joke is one that you have to explain, buuuut... I'm still gonna do it anyway.

So on that note, onto the photocap!

There's a new super-sized episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta on tonight (conveniently airing against the Project Runway premiere), and among the various jaw-dropping moments we're sure to see, here's a scene of Kim and her nanny (which she clearly needs on account of her busy schedule of smoking cigarettes and not having cancer) debating whether the word "sightseeing" is a verb. Linguists take note. This is the academic debate America has been bracing for.

I'm truly enjoying Top Chef Masters, but nothing compares to the original. Luckily we get both tonight! At 9 PM, it's the season premiere of Top Chef: Las Vegas, and then at 10:15 PM (EST of course), it's the season finale of Top Chef Masters. I might sound like I'm shilling, but who wouldn't for the likes of Tom, Padma, and our dear friend Gail, bless her heart.

Above, a preview video from the Top Chef premiere. After the jump, various other vids to peruse from both shows...

If you didn't watch last night's episode of Big Brother yet, do yourself a favor. Get off this blog (but come back!!!), march to your DVR (or CBS.com!), and watch the damn thing because it was Excellent with a capital "E." Every season has a defining episode, and this was it. Everything about it was positively riveting — a word I know I've been throwing about a lot recently, but don't let my lack of creativity detract from how awesome the show was. The only thing that sucked about it was that it had to end, and sadly, we all know that nothing will be able to top it the rest of the season.

Amazingly, Chima's ejection from the game was probably the least amusing part of the whole show. Sure, it was great to watch, and I absolutely loved the producers making a case for themselves with a brief history of Chima Simone's greatest hits / bitchy moments. However, the real fun of the show was watching her alliance totally fall into psychological disrepair. It was fantastic. Natalie spent much of the time whining about the situation, spewing hypocritical complaints and acting like the petulant teenager she claims to be. Method acting at its best. And let's please note that Natalie was wearing Jessie's dumb shirt in practically every scene — many of which were recorded over the span of MANY days. It's called a washing machine. USE IT.

Lydia, meanwhile, just got wasted and engaged in horrendous self-pity, which would have been painful to watch on its own, but thankfully the wonderful alliance of Jeff, Jordan, Michele, and Russell were not gonna stand for it. They relentlessly mocked Lydia to no end, and as such, they served as a much-welcomed mouthpiece for the audience. I personally loved when Michele suddenly snapped "Wear your unitard, BITCH!" — perhaps the line of the night had it not been for Jeff's brilliantly offbeat but totally awesome "Take it easy, Mrs. Roper. You look real classy."

Even Jordan got in on the action. When Lydia illogically accused Jordan of being a "ho-puppet" (this despite Lydia's well-documented bedroom trysts with Jessie), Jordan just exasperatedly sighed and asked "Lydia... Seriously?" It was such a simple expression of condescension and from the most unlikely of sources that it proved to be kind of amazing. I'm not gonna lie. I clapped. WE WERE ALL THINKING IT.

Truly, this episode was a gold mine of classic reality moments, and to see Lydia and Natalie receive such horrendous "edits" (as they say) was totally gratifying. I could go on, but truth is that pretty much everything else I have to say can be found in this great rundown of the night's activities on Reality Blurred. Check that out, BUT FIRST a photocap after the jump.

Flipping Out returns to Bravo tonight, and while I've casually watched the past season and a half, I think I'm going to be a bit more dedicated this time around, lest my friends strangle me in frustration. Anyway, check out the preview clip above, which displays Jeff's trademark dry humor...

Oh man. Big Brother is headed into overdrive. The show just crossed the line from fun entertainment to riveting television. Everything in the house has gone crazy, and the most bonkers stuff is still to come, but for now we have the calm before Hurricane Chima. In the wake of Jeff using the Coup D'Etat power to send Jessie home, the house has completely turned into a war-zone, and as a result, we have the most hostile split since the hallowed days of season six. In fact, this current cycle is suddenly sharing many similarities to that wonderful summer. Not only do we have a massive divide in the house, but one of the alliances (Natalie, Chima, Lydia, and Kevin) actually believes themselves to be the "good" people — the ones who haven't lied or manipulated or done anything wrong. Never mind that Chima has been hurling about racist terrorist comments for the past ten days. And never mind that Lydia has been totally duplicitous. And never mind that Natalie, well, okay. Natalie hasn't really done THAT much wrong that I can think of. BUT she doesn't shower, and that's truly reprehensible.

Yes, it's like The Friendship all over again, and when Natalie played the pity card, sarcastically thanking America for screwing them over, it was sort of awesome. I immediately had flashbacks of April bawling on the floor of the HOH room, bemoaning the fact that Janelle got a call from evictee Michael and ultimately lashing out at America in the process. Good times. And just like in season six when The Friendship bizarrely put Cappy on a pedestal and anointed him the new king of kings, this new horrible alliance has taken to memorializing Jessie for being a saint of some sort — even though he had pitted all the girls against each other at some time or another. Oh well. There's no accounting for what idiots will say or do. But we do know it makes for good television.

After the jump, the photocap...

Julie Chen continues to win me over every passing day. In the clip above, found via We Love Big Brother, Chenbot talks about all the Chima controversy, and in the process, she sasses it up and says "Oh no she di'int!" It's kind of amazing. I actually haven't even made it past the :22 because I was so excited to hear her say it. And now I pass it along to you.

Yay yay yay! Last night's episode of Big Brother was a thriller for a variety of reasons, and I'm happy to report that I was actually there in the studio live for the eviction. Yes, it just so happened that the one week I got tickets for was the most electric live show of the season. I couldn't have been more excited. The big question mark going into the show was whether or not Jeff would use his game-changing Coup D'Etat power (or the "Wizard Power," as the house guests referred to it). With this special ability, Jeff could remove one or two of the nominees and replace them with whomever he felt deserved to go on the block. Now, I can tell you I'd be more than happy to see Lydia march out the door, but truth be told, I was really hoping he'd take her off (as well as Russell) and replace them with Jessie and Natalie. Did he use the power? And if so, did he use it on Jatalie?

The answer after the jump (to avoid spoilers for all you lazy bums).

This is very brief and yet totally enjoyable. What more can I say?

The Real Housewives of Atlanta is back tonight, and we finally are gonna get to see Sherayay pull Kim's wig off. Or not. If the above clip is any indication (and 70% of it is old footage), it looks like there's only a mild tug, and that's it. Still, who doesn't like it when these women yell at each other. Wig on, wig off — it's all good.

Natalie from Big Brother is disgusting. Literally. She doesn't shower. Check out the clip above.

Usually I start my Big Brother photocaps complaining about the lack of screen grabs on the CBS website. Today, however, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I pulled the screencaps myself. Sure, it added an extra twenty or twenty-five minutes to the process, but it had to be done. Of course, now I'm exhausted from the process and can't deal with writing any sort of recap from last night. Maybe Lydia's hipster ennui has infected me. Nevertheless, what's the point of analyzing any of the goings-on when it looks like Jeff is gonna shake things up tomorrow with his "wizard power," a.k.a. the Coup D'Etat, a.k.a. the Coop Deh Tat. Hopefully by this time tomorrow, Jessie (and perhaps Natalie too) will be up on the block, with one of them heading out the door. That, of course, will completely drive Chima nuts, and that's always fun to watch. She'll probably go off on Jeff and then Russell, who in turn will go off on Michele yet again. Side note about Russell and Michele: why can't these idiots stop for a moment and even consider the possibility that they may have heard each other incorrectly or misspoke by accident. They've been fighting for like thirty episodes about semantics. They even know they're fighting about semantics, but neither of them realizes how silly it is. UGH. I like them both. I wish they'd just shut up and get it together. To quote Todd Rundgren, who is coincidentally playing on my iTunes at this very moment, "Let's admit we made a mistake, but can we still be friends???" There's lots to learn from cheesy '70s music, people. LOTS.

Anyway, after the jump, a full-on photocap for your viewing pleasure...

I believe tonight is the penultimate episode of Top Chef Masters, and as such, we've got two treats in store. First, a fight between Michael Chiarello and former contestant / wall-puncher Dale. Second, the return of the blind taste test Quickfire. Both promise to be highly entertaining, with the Dale incident perhaps tipping the scale into the realm of embarrassing. I'm once again rooting for Anita Lo to take the crown, but honestly, with Art Smith gone, I'll be happy for anyone to win at this point.

Above, a preview of the Dale fight. After the jump, some clips about the Quickfire and Elimination challenges.

One of my major regrets over the past year — at least in regards to this blog — has been my lack of consistent Gossip Girl coverage. I can't promise that I'll improve this season (dare to dream), but in the meantime, I will provide content when I'm able to. Case in point: this new teaser trailer for the upcoming Gossip Girl season. It looks as snappy and fun as ever; although, when Dan Humphrey asks a rooftop of people "Who wants to drink cheap beer with me?" I hardly think the response would be rousing cheers. We all know a Humphrey-led drinking session will just lead to bitchy, do-gooder judgments and a whole lot of lameness. And besides, we all know that if Dan's having a party, Vanessa's gonna show up, and what do I always say about Vanessa? That's right: VANESSA RUINS EVERYTHING (especially rooftop beer binges, which she would most certainly destroy with her little camcorder and ever-evolving documentary about who knows what). Wow, I'm reading a lot into this. But isn't that the fun? Here's to hoping the writers make Nate fun again (not to mention Little J).

Via Best Week Ever

Well, I've done my last traveling for the summer, and now I am finally finally getting back up to speed here with the blog. That means catching up with last week's Real Housewives of Atlanta, which I had missed due to a raucous wedding in rural Michigan (not exactly the sort of place where you'd find Bravo on the hotel TV). Anyway, I checked out the latest episode last night in the comfort of my own apartment, and once again, we were left with quite the explosive final ten minutes. Kim, Nene, and Sherayay all attempted to bury the hatchet at a classy joint called "FAB," but since these are the Housewives we're talking about, the situation ended up as anything but fab. "Loud" or "cantankerous" or "like a drag show gone HELL TO THE NO wrong" would be more apt descriptors.

Yes, Nene and Sherayay joined forced to become Nenayay and confronted Kim about all her alleged lies, and even though she knew this was exactly what would happen, Kim still freaked out (perhaps justifiably) and soon the women were all yelling at each other. Actually, it was mostly Kim and Shereee-ay, with the latter diva calling the other "traaay-lah TRASH!" (which, as you may have gleaned, is quite the opposite of "FABUHLUS.") Part of me was really hoping Sherayay would bust out her now classic "Who's gonna check me, boo?" line, but then I remembered that it's no longer funny after Andy Cohen spent literally a week on Twitter abusing the catchphrase and therefore ruining it for the rest of us (do yourself a favor, and resist the urge to follow him).

I must continue the tradition of starting my Big Brother photocaps by complaining about the CBS website yet again. Not only does CBS no longer provide screen grabs, and not only are the few photos that go up once a week somewhat limited in their scope, but now users can't even access the HOH photos anymore. They're killing me. Killing me!

That being said, there's plenty more to discuss. I was in Michigan starting on Thursday; so it's really not until now that I can discuss the latest exciting developments in the house. First off, I think we can give three cheers to the house guests for finally getting rid of Ronnie. The kid tried to be a Dr. Will, but instead he came off as mostly Dr. Lame (much like this joke). He was just... awful. And while yes, I would have been equally pleased to have seen Lydia march out those front doors with her hipster hunch 'n' scowl, it was truly Ronnie's time. And boy, did he go out in a blaze of not-glory. He certainly tried to have a memorable goodbye, but it just came off as petty. He pretty much told the whole house that he loved them, and then singled out Michele as being one of the worst people he has ever met in his entire life. Why? Don't really know. I just assumed he wanted to have the sort of crazy adios that gets replayed over and over again. However, during the exit interview, when Julie asked him WTV? (why the vitriol?), he babbled on about how Michele was so duplicitous and such a liar and blah blah blah. Now, I haven't actually read or seen any other interviews, but I hope and pray someone called Ronnie on his shit because last time I checked, it was HE who first a) lied to Michele, b) threw her under the bus, c) forced her into a minority house alliance, and d) betrayed his alliance with her. And that was in the first week! Whatever lying she's done to him has been completely deserved, and furthermore, as a student of Big Brother — as Ronnie claims to be — he should know that all's fair in the BB house. It's that sort of hypocrisy that just makes me want to wring his neck. And it's also that sort of vindictive victimization which has probably led to him living a life as a nerd. In the end it doesn't really matter. Michele may leave this experience with her rep slightly tarnished, but it's Ronnie who people will forever think is an untrustworthy creep.

Top Chef Masters is back tonight, and after last week's wonderful episode, I have high hopes for a repeat performance — especially when the chefs are thrown the curveball of having to cook for actress Zooey Deschanel, who, you should know, eats NOTHING. Okay, that's an exaggeration. She's a vegan, but she's also gluten intolerant, and most significantly, she doesn't eat soy. So that leaves... air? Well, there are more options than that, but it'll be a doozy for the chefs, especially Art Smith, who hopefully will crash and burn again (and this time go home).

Two more preview vids after the jump.

Shocking news: CBS actually put up some stills from the latest episode of Big Brother. Actually, they're more like professional photos, clearly taken behind the mirrors. Not great, but better than nothing. Most of the pics center around the endurance competition for HOH, which Russell eventually won after striking a deal with Jeff to keep him and Jordan safe for the week. Prior to that pact, however, we were subjected to watching the houseguests twirl around in a circle, occasionally getting beaten by a giant, foam-covered phallus, or as Julie Chen called it, "diploma." In other words, it was awesome. Watching the likes of Chima and Lydia getting tossed around like two pieces of flotsam in the ocean was oddly satisfying. Less satisfying but significantly more disturbing was watching Natalie gag and vomit from on high, surely spraying the backyard with a week's worth of Sunny D and marshmallows and whatever else it is that eighteen year olds consume. CBS thankfully did not show her actually puking, but they were kind enough to provide us with a full aural experience. I was shocked the music supervisor didn't chime in with one of those annoying "Wah wah waaaah" sounds that have been flagrantly over-used this season (what's next? A slide whistle?).

Anyway, as unpleasant as it was to watch Natalie blow chunks on the astroturf, it was perversely amusing to know that seconds later, she dropped from her swing, landing squarely, I'm sure, in a puddle of her own bile. She probably could have avoided it, but she dangled onto her swing for so long that I'm fairly certain her legs dragged through any barf that may have been out there. Poor Jessie seemed displeased with this outcome. For the first time this season, he was actually looking at a week without any power (and later, he was made a Have Not). Unsurprisingly, this brought out the petulant, crabby, and annoying Jessie we know and love from last year. People have been saying that he's more tolerable this season, but I guarantee he'll be a pain in the ass now that he's sleeping on a slab and relegated to a diet of squid and squash (WHICH, by the way, sounds delicious). The good news is that I'm sure we'll soon be receiving some wonderful new Jessie-isms, such as when he declared that he had "built a morale" with the likes of Chima and Natalie. You gotta respect that toe to head.

And they're off! Yes, The Real Housewives of Atlanta are back, and they truly are better than before. The second season premiere hit the ground running in a frenetic, dizzying way — a far cry from those lazy early days of the franchise pre-zeitgeist. It's almost impossible to recap everything that happened in the hour, but I can assure you it was all hilarious and ridiculous. I could start with Shereé (Sherayay? Sheree-ay?), but I'd rather not. I like to save the best for last. Instead, let's discuss the new girl, Kandi. So far she seems fine. Actually, Kandi came off surprisingly well for a newbie. She seems smart, well-spoken, self-aware, and fairly respectable. Sadly, those characteristics usually mean she'll be boring as hell, but if the season preview is any indication, it looks like she'll be stirring up trouble with the best of them. It seems like it's in the air this season. Even Lisa Wu Hartwell seems a bit feisty this time around. Last season, she was affable and sweet, but borderline bland. I mean, she was no DeShawn "Snoozefest" Snow, but between her special evenings of "Drinks & Dialogue" and "joory" trunk shows, Lisa sometimes left us wanting a bit more pizzazz.

Luckily, Lisa has Ed, and the two of them together are great. They're both very likable — and let's admit it, easy on the eyes — and that's always a good thing. But unlike last season, this time around, Lisa has found herself in the middle of the drama, as first seen surprisingly in last season's contentious reunion. Long story short, Lisa pretty much hates Kim. Well, actually, they all seem to hate Kim. Even Sherayay has backed away from the wigged one — something I bet not even Kim's psychic advisor would have expected. And we all know those psychic advisors speak the truth. Why, Kim's was so clairvoyant, she even saw BUSINESS IN HER HAND! That's right — in all seven years Kim had been going to Miss Cleo, never before had "business" surfaced in the creases of her palm. But now... now there was business! LADY BUSINESS!

It's only been about a month since the latest Real Housewives franchise wrapped up its season, but man, what a boring, dull month it's been. NYC Prep is okay (I'm entranced by the one girl who looks like she's a thirty-five year old with baby teeth), Miami Social is a bit ehhhh, and I can't even imagine what Andy Cohen's new talk show is like (I imagine lots of goofy smiles, billowing chest hair, and general preening for the camera).

Well, the good news for America, nay, the world is that the Real Housewives of Atlanta are back and ready to shake their lady waffles like never before. We got the whole crew, minus DeShawn, who was essentially fired for being too boring. In her stead is Kandi Burruss, a former pop star who apparently is feuding with Nene already (BAM!).

To get you excited for the new wig-pulling season, check out these preview videos. Above, I don't know what the hell the context of this is, but Sherayay Whitfield is NOT pleased, and neither is the party planner she's dealing with. Vulgarities are spoken. It all leads me to ask, how you gonna have a party with no party planner? Either way, I could watch this clip over and over and over again (and I have).

After the jump, two more previews from Bravo. One is a montage of scenes from the upcoming season. Another is a scandalous interlude at Niecy Nash's birthday party. Looks to be an awesome season...

It's sad that the only way I can seem to do photocaps these days is if I wait for the one time a week when CBS posts pics from the HOH's digital camera. Alas, that's the best we can get; so I guess I'll make the most of it. Actually, there are some amusing trends when it comes to these HOH pics. When Jessie is in power, most of the pictures tend to be of him flexing his muscles or hoisting people over his head. There are, of course, pictures of other people, but they too tend to be making silly poses and/or showing off their guns, which leads me to believe that Jessie must be prompting them from behind the camera. I guess there's nothing wrong with that, but I can imagine that Jessie must think its a riot every time he commands a fellow houseguest to flex their glutes (Russell, it would seem, requires no prompting though).

Anyway, pictures be damned, there's a lot to discuss in Big Brother these days. It seems as though the Athletes really are running the show, but that's really only because their opponents don't appear to have any ability to shake up the game with some old fashioned scheming. The single biggest error that contestants or alliances make is that they become complacent and simply assume a certain outcome will follow. There's really no better example than the joint brain trust of Jeff, Jordan, Michele, and Casey, who simply assumed that Ronnie would go up as a replacement nominee during the Veto ceremony. Sure, Jessie may have alluded to that, but in Big Brother, no one's word can be taken at face value. The key is to ensure that the outcome works your way. Had it been me, I would have started several rumors about Ronnie targeting Jessie — enough to make him paranoid and place the rotund videogamer on the chopping block. Casey, who sniffed out that something was afoot and then later discovered that he may be a target, should have instantly brewed up trouble. Instead, he just made a lot of noise in his fake 'hood accent — ultimately accomplishing nothing.

That's sort of the problem with this season, it turns out. After a fiery first week and an interesting second one, I'm starting to fear that these people might not be shrewd enough or crazy enough to deliver the sort of sustained highs and good times we saw last season. True, the show is young, but there is a lacking quality that has emerged. I actually pin it on casting. There's a major lack of crazy mommies (Libra), middle-aged ladies (Sheila), and old coots (Renny, Jerry). Variety in ages makes a huge difference, and while marketing may suggest that a younger cast is better, I think we all know that having a generational mix is the way to go. Still, the game is young, and good cast or bad, we all know it's gonna start ramping up soon.

In the meantime, pictures...

The Next Food Network Star upped its game last night by forcing its final three contestants to whip up a luxurious, "ultimate" three course dinner party for an imposing table of Food Network stars and celebrity chefs. It was a fairly daunting task, and while all three did a fine job, only two could move on. For the sake of ruining it for people on DVR delay, I'll refrain from saying anything more, but after the jump, I will weigh in with an opinion or two...

I am in a time crunch; so I can't really go on at length about last night's delightful Top Chef Masters. All I will say is that I was most unhappy with the winner, who seemed to be using his camera time to audition for his own Andy Cohen produced show. The histrionics and annoying jokes were simply insufferable. Boo! Oh well.

Onto the pictures!!

Tonight's another episode of Top Chef Masters, and if memory serves me correctly, we're down to our last batch of prospective chefs before we get to the champions of champions — or whatever they're gonna call their elite qualifiers. Above, check out a video of the chefs learning tonight's twist. After the jump, further intrigue pertaining to the enigmatic "mystery box." Intrigue abounds!

So I go away to the Northwest for five days, and of course all sorts of craziness happens on the Big Brother front. The craziest thing undoubtedly was Julie Chen mentioning me by name on the Internets, but really, that's just crazy to me, and perhaps not the entire BB viewing population as a whole. Perhaps the most bizarre thing by far to the show's viewers was Chima's pointed, bleeped-out speech on live television last Thursday. You know, the one where she called Braden a racist and many other things. She was right — he really is a bigot — but man, I was not expecting her to lash out like that. I guess that's because we've grown used to people turning into wallflowers when it comes to making a final plea for a vote. You know how it goes — most nominees babble away about making friendships and respecting decisions. Boring. Props to Chima for going for the kill.

However, don't take this as an endorsement of Chima by any means. She's simply awful. Between her clown lips and her bitchy attitude, she's darn near impossible to watch. But I guess we need people like that to make this show interesting. Still, I have yet to see any indication that Chima deserves to be in the "brains" clique. Come to think of it — I have yet to see any indication that anyone belongs in the "brains" clique. Ronnie thinks he's brilliant, but he's been playing fast and loose, and it's all gonna bite him in the ass. I didn't really understand why he screwed over Michele (both by leading her astray with the Chima vote and by then blaming her for voting out Braden), but it seemed like a completely unnecessary move. I think he just wants screen time or attention. Let it be known though that whereas someone like Dr. Will can pull off such shenanigans and be likable, Ronnie merely comes off as a snake. The house will catch up to him soon.

It's been relatively quiet on the Real Housewives front, what with the franchise taking a rest this month before Atlanta storms onto our televisions in a flurry of hair weaves and "BAM!" shouts. Today, however, we have news! Bravo has unveiled the new housewife joining our Orange County bitches, and surprise surprise — she's a blonde. Her name is Alexis Bellino, and the bad news for Tamra: she's only 32. That doesn't make Alexis the youngest of the pack (that honor goes to Gretchen), but it certainly will undermine Tamra's self-anointed title of "The Hottest Housewife." And that can only mean one thing: more cattiness.

Yes, I can't wait to see how Tamra and Vicki eviscerate their new frenemy. Chances are bitter attacks will ensue, followed by vicious cackling and self-righteous indignation. But before that all happens, let's learn a little something about Alexis. 1) She's a stay-at-home mom with three kids. 2) She's originally from Missouri, and moved to California seven or eight years ago. 3) She's a divorcé. 4) She's very social. 5) She seems to have significantly less sun damage than Tamra, whose clavicle is starting to resemble the hide of a cheetah. Sounds promising!

Of course, the big question is whether or not Alexis will be replacing longtime stalwart Jeana Keough. Zap2It says no. The Orange County Register says yes. Intrigue!

More information here:

Zap2It: 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' keep Jeana Keough, welcome new woman (via Reality Chat)
OC Register: Meet the newest 'Real Housewife of Orange County'

Well, we're now two episodes deep into Big Brother, and everything seems to be rolling along just fine. Jesse is proving to be more annoying than last season, partly because of a choice by him to amp up his personality perhaps in an effort to court the attention of a WWE casting director (he admitted to wanting to be a professional wrestler. I could think of worse things than seeing him body slammed by the likes of The Miz). Whatever the reason is behind his animated performance, it's safe to say it won't last long. Once he's out of power, Jesse will surely devolve into the grumpy gorilla we all know and don't love.

As for the rest of the gang, personalities still have yet to really surface. Casey still annoys me. So does Lydia. And so does Ronnie, who certainly did not represent us brains well when he singlehandedly screwed up a rather psychedelic backyard challenge. Yes, for those just tuning in, the food competition has been replaced with the more severe (and laboriously titled) Have And Have Not challenge. Now houseguests don't just compete for edible food. They also vie for tolerable living conditions. After all, losers of the HAHN must eat slop, take cold showers, AND live in a monochromatic bedroom reminiscent of a robot rumpus room. It's certainly not pleasant, and Chima was all HELL TO THE NO when she saw the misery she and her fellow Brains would have to endure after clocking in a pitiful HAHN performance. She ultimately wound up on the block, but not because of her hissy fit. No, she went up as a pawn, which is always a ridiculously dangerous and stupid strategy. You see, the brains wanted to forge a secret alliance with the brawn, and by nominating Chima, they were hoping to throw the rest of the house off the scent. But here's the thing about brawn: they don't have brains. And that means they'll probably screw it up by blabbing. Actually, based on Ronnie's lack of sterling gameplay, it's safe to say that he may have no brains either. After all, what genius would enter into a secret arrangement betwixt five or six people? TOO MANY! Secrets cannot last with so many people involved.

It's baaaaaaack! And I'm not just talking about the clichéd way I just started this post. I'm talking, of course, about Big Brother, which has returned for what looks to be a strong eleventh season. The twist this time around is that the houseguests have been segregated into four distinct cliques: the athletes (a.k.a. jocks), the popular kids (a.k.a. the cool kids), the brains (a.k.a. the nerds), and the "offbeat" (a.k.a. the freaks and gays and everyone else who didn't fit in). The way it works is that players will vote and act and be nominated individually, but if a member of their clique wins HOH, they're all safe. It's a fairly simple twist, but one that could certainly spark some dramatic fireworks. I heartily approve.

But if you thought that was the only twist, think again. There's been a mystery houseguest floating around the Big Brother website, and tonight, we finally learned who that person would be. For weeks, rumors circulated that Big Sheila would be returning (oh how I wish), but no — we got stuck with none other than professional bodybuilder / dumbass, Jesse. That's right. The meathead with poor logic skills got a second chance at the game thanks to a surprisingly engaging twist to the HOH competition. While the house guests dangled up in the air as part of a game called "The Wedgie," we learned that the winning clique would have a former houseguest return to the game that matched their group. Jessica from season eight, for instance, was on deck for the popular clique; Brian was representing brains (although, how brainy is someone who got voted out in week one of last season?); Michael (a.k.a. Cowboy) was there for the Offbeats; and the aforementioned Jesse repped the athletes proudly. No surprise here: the athletes won the first challenge, and Jesse (groan) assumed the role of HOH for the first week. Look, I'm willing to give him a second chance (not really), but I reserve the right to bemoan his presence. Seriously, where was Sheila? And for the brains, why not Eric from season eight? Give him a shot to play as a normal player for once. Oh well.

Lest you forget, Big Brother 11 premieres tonight at 8 PM on CBS. That means that on the East Coast, there's t-minus one hour until you surrender your summer to many wonderful, glorious hours in front of the television, watching lunatics scream and fight and battle it out for half million dollars.

So very excited...

For those who don't watch Big Brother, I assure you — it's worth getting into. The rule of thumb is that you need to watch three episodes before you get hooked. Don't worry: they might seem a bit bland or boring at first, but after three shows, you won't be able to turn away. This I promise you.

Also, for those who wish to discuss the live feeds, feel free to join the conversations in the forums. Registering is easy and free! Who doesn't like that?

Cooking for the prestige, if you will.

I was most disappointed last week when I turned on my TV and there was no new episode of Top Chef Masters in my queue. Actually, disappointed wasn't the word. More like puzzled. Yes, I sat there for five minutes, navigating through the depths of my DVR to see if the fault was mine or Andy Cohen's. It was the latter (ain't that always the case?). Bravo had bumped the episode, presumably to make way for the long weekend. Thankfully, we finally got our dose of haute culinary competition last night, and perhaps as a way of extending an olive branch to those of us who had been miffed the week prior, Bravo supplied us with not only Neil Patrick Harris, but the welcome return of our dear friend Gail Simmons, bless her heart, and even Tom Colicchio. Oh, and the challenge was pretty damn near awesome too. All is excused.

Basically, the chefs had to whip up a meal to be served at Los Angeles's very own Magic Castle (not to be confused with the Gothic Castle), with each "cheftestant" receiving a special theme: surprise, mystery, illusion, and spectacle. Needless to say, there was plenty of culinary legerdemain on display. I was a major fan of Anita Lo's intriguing faux-scallop (ILLUSION!), and I was equally happy that Douglas Rodriguez's attempt to light coconuts on fire was an epic fail. He was entirely too smug for me, and thankfully, the experience seemed to humble him quite a bit. Speaking of humbling, I felt bad for John Besh, who flamed out spectacularly last night. First he only prepared one meager, undercooked egg for the Quickfire — netting him a lowly half star for his efforts. Then he chilled everyone's palates with a purportedly ice cold blini, the bane of Western Civilization it would seem. Yikes. Not a good showing. At least Mark Peel fared well. Representing local Los Angeles stalwart Campanille, Mark came thiiis close to winning the episode, but an earlier mishap with olive oil (or lack thereof) during the Quickfire kept him from the victory. Ah well. Sucks for him. But I was rooting for Anita anyway; so it's all good.

Anyway, onto the pics...

Last week's tale of the taco continued to haunt the Real World roommates last night as lingering tensions between Ayiiia and Jonna (pronounced illogically as Jzzzhon-ay) festered into some sort of us vs. them situation in Cancun. The girls -- Ayiiia, Jasmine, and Emileeeee -- all banded together against the guys and Jonna, and for twenty minutes, we saw nothing but beautiful, unadulterated, female cattiness in the form of bitchy mutterings and furtive stares (not to mention a lesbian interlude in night vision). However, at the halfway mark of the episode, things got all sorts of wacky. Emileeeee -- who I always pegged as an unstable powder keg -- flipped out at Joey when he pestered everyone about being ready for "work" (I say "work" because it involved swimming with dolphins, cornering pelicans, doing shots, and lying around in hammocks). Anyway, the girl flipped her lid in an explosion of expletives, and when Ayiiia didn't defend her craziness, Emileeeeee realized that bitch wasn't a true friend after all. And so Emilee and Jasmine spent their day in paradise bitching and moaning about Ayiiiia, ultimately brokering a truce with the boys and Jonna and leaving Ayiiia as the true house outcast. And that's when the real fun began.

Above, a clip of Ayiiia and Emileee airing it out in the most ineloquent and inarticulate way possible. People at work be warned: the uncensored language is very NSFW (lots of f-bombs, c-words, and everything in between). After the jump, another argument that is literally about nothing. It's not as explosive, but watching Ayiiia and Jasmine work each other into a tizzy instead of directly communicating with each other is sort of hilarious. Enjoy...

After a one week hiatus, Top Chef Masters is back! Tonight's episode looks awesome for two reasons: magic and Neil Patrick Harris. Yes, both will be on display in what looks to be a super interesting challenge for the Masters. I particularly like the clip above which features a magician speaking not unlike GOB Bluth when he utters the word "ILLLLLUUUUSION." Oh, and did I mention that our dear friend Gail Simmons, bless her heart, makes a return appearance tonight? BEST WEDNESDAY EVER!

For the hardcore, I've got two more videos after the jump...

The Real Housewives of Atlanta is just around the corner, and to help promote the new season, we have a video of the one and only Shereé Whitfield (whose name spelling still suggests that it be pronounced Sherayay). In this clip, the housewife / perm enthusiast extols the virtues of her fashion line, She By Shereé, by describing it as being "for the modern woman." Of course, I'm not sure any "modern woman" would take style tips from a lady who looks like she just rolled out of bed and had her toddler do her makeup, but hey, whatever works. Point is, Sherayay is an eyeful. And I can say this without fear because she also claims that she doesn't read "the blogs" due to all the "negativity" out there. Awww, Sherayay. Don't be mad. We love you, especially when you try to convince us —in a bitchy way—that you're not a bitch "all the time." That's right, Sherayay explains that there are many different facets to her personality — you know, like "lightly bitchy" or "very bitchy" or "fleetingly bitchy." Okay, maybe she didn't say that, but I'm sure it's not far from the truth.

Nevertheless, check out Sherayay's video. And let the excitement for season two build!

Last night, the cabal of judges known as Bob, Susie, and Bobby whittled the field of contestants on The Next Food Network Star down to just five potential superstars, and now that we're more than halfway through the show's run, I thought I'd check back in and see how our stars are progressing. Do we have a star in the making? Or is this season going to be a bust? Thoughts and ideas after the jump...

Via Jokers Updates

This just in! We finally have footage of the eviction ceremony from press day on Big Brother. Sadly, Rosanna's exit song to the evictee was edited out (rights, I'm sure), but let it be known that it was a beautiful moment (she sang "Fever"). Nevertheless, enjoy this last nugget from press day...

It's that time again! CBS has just announced the new cast for the upcoming season of Big Brother, which means we get to spend a week pondering who might be our early favorites, who might wind up sucking, and who could possibly win the whole shebang. After the jump, I've got a rundown of each contestant, as well as a nifty scale to gauge their potential douchiness or bitchiness. Take a look, and then share your thoughts on the cast too...

Before she was Danielle from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, she was Danielle from All My Children. Yes, it's Danielle Staub — rumored coke whore drug kingpin / confirmed dinner party ruiner. Here she is in a cameo appearance on the aforementioned soap opera All My Children in 2001, sharing the screen with none other than Josh Duhamel. Sadly, Danielle's moment in the limelight is brief, but it does afford us a neat view of her old face. We also get to see Josh Duhamel's old haircut (dumb), and as he spends the latter part of the clip rattling off the crimes of some notorious woman on the show, it's fun to imagine that he's actually talking about Danielle, that PROSTITUTION WHOO-AARRR!!!! Good times indeed.

Remember when Project Runway was the hippest reality show around, beloved for its urbane appeal and sophisticated style? Well, now it's on Lifetime, and if this promo is any indication, the emphasis has moved away from upmarket elitism and more towards Middle American mom-jeans milquetoast. If I sound snobby, well, that's because I am. Truth is this commercial plays more like a Sears ad than anything else. It's so tragically unhip in every way. Even the music is outdated. I love Basement Jaxx as much as anyone else, but that tune is eight years old and has been used in more stupid commercials than I can shake a fist at. The only thing worse would have been to select a song by Smashmouth. I'm pained, I tell you. Pained.

The real question is if the show itself can survive the shift to its new home, or will the core audience feel simply too isolated by the onslaught of Lifetime shlock-appeal? And let's not forget that Project Runway is switching to Los Angeles this season. Hmmm... My Jump-The-Shark-dar is certainly beeping like crazy...

What do you think?

Ten days ago, an exciting thing happened: I was invited to spend the day in the Big Brother house along with eleven other members of the media. This was a minor dream come true: I got to taste the Big Brother experience without committing to a summer of national exposure (most of which I'm sure would be extremely embarrassing for me). While in the house, we played a week's worth of the game -- from Head of Household to Veto to eviction. Yes, we did it all, and it was, in short, awesome.

Nevertheless, I've been under a media embargo for the past week and a half -- but as of 6 AM this morning, the blackout has been lifted! The house guests are safely sequestered, which means I can now share not only my experiences but also the neat video that CBS edited together of us in the house. It's all sorts of fun (although, curiously, the eviction ceremony was not included on our DVD). Either way, the videos are highly entertaining, and if they don't get you psyched for the season, I don't know what will.

Also, be sure to check out my very thorough account of Media Day. It's up over at TV Week (and while you're there, be sure to check out a nifty profile of my college classmate Mindy Kaling). For those who don't need to read every single detail of the experience, I'm planning to write an abridged report that I'll have up on this site at some point. Plus, if you have any questions about the house or the experience, feel free to ask them in the forums on a thread conveniently titled "Big Brother House Q & A."

After the jump, parts I, II and III of the Big Brother media day video as well as some screen shots to help give you a sense of the house...

"Don't drink the water, and don't get AIDS."

Yup, that pretty much sums up The Real World Cancun so far. The quote, as spoken by Joey on last night's premiere episode, serves as the two major guidelines for what looks like a silly, silly season. I'll admit that my expectations coming into this season were beyond low — going to Cancun seemed like a horrid step backwards for a franchise that had seen revitalization in the more career-centric Hollywood and Brooklyn seasons. But if there's anything I should have remembered, it's that if my old employers Bunim-Murray know anything, it's how to do Cancun. Yes, I saw The Real Cancun in the theaters (produced by Bunim-Murray), and I loved it. So far, this season looks to be an unofficial sequel.

The first part of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special aired last night, and the predominant feeling was... eh? I knew it would be damn near impossible to live up to the televised nirvana that was The Last Supper director's cut hour from last week, but who knew this reunion would be so bland? There was hardly a scuffle, nary a shout, and barely a bitchy accusation. So far, it's shaped up to be the worst Housewives reunion of the year! And just when we started to get some drama, emcee wunderkind Andy Cohen told the ladies to stop and save it for later. WTF??? Nevertheless, I'm not sure there were any notable moments worth sharing. Let's see... Teresa and Jacqueline were both very preggers, with the latter lady looking as if she were going to spray placenta on Andy Cohen's face at any second. It didn't help matters that she spent much of the hour massaging her sizable womb like some glammed up Buddha with a spray tan and fat lips. And speaking of those lips, Jacqueline had them so plumped up, I started to think each one was carrying an embryo of its own.

As for other oddly shaped body parts, Danielle revealed that she had a sick bubbie that had never settled into its pocket. That might explain its bizarre, seemingly-autonomous behavior. Amusingly though, Danielle then claimed that she had never had any other surgery beyond the ta-tas. Normally, I'd be able to read her face to see if she was lying, but it's been pulled back so tight, I just can't tell.

And speaking of all things surgery-related, what was up with Dina telling Andy that the word was not "bubbies?" She acted as if he were a martian when he said that. Meanwhile, two seconds later, we watched an extensive montage of all the women saying "bubbies" at length. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's marinara sauce, Dina.

Still recovering from the snooze-athon that was NYC Prep? Well, thankfully we have another episode of Top Chef Masters tonight to drag us out of the doldrums. Among the competing chefs this week will be Rick Bayless and Ludo Lefebvre, the latter of whom reality fans may remember for his cameo appearance on The Apprentice 6 (his wife Christine was a contestant and later a model in Playboy). Anyway, in the clip above, the two Masters clash over street food (and by "clash," I mean politely register mild frustration), but what I care more about is fellow contestant Cindy Pawlcyn, who announces to us that she and her gal pals seek out offal every week in a nifty club called "Girls Who Eat Guts." Sexy!

After the jump, a second clip from the show featuring some background information on Bayless. The real star in that video is Kelly Choi, who seems completely unable to refrain from turning into a jack-o-lantern the moment she gets excited — or attempts awkwardly to be gregarious.

BAM! It's a Nene house tour!

Check it out! Bravo JUST released this clip moments ago. The Real Housewives of Atlanta are back for season two, and joining them is new cast member Kandi, formerly of the '90s not-so-supergroup Xscape. To be honest, I haven't even watched this video. I'm just gonna post it, and then take a looksie. Should be fun...

I was very excited about last night's Top Chef Masters because I'd actually dined at two of the chefs' restaurants. Three, if you count Betty. Just over a year ago, I dined at Graham Elliot (the Chicago restaurant of chef Graham Elliot Bowles) and enjoyed the experience very much. I even took several photos, which I never got around to posting. Maybe I'll put some up after the jump. I've also eaten at Suzanne Tracht's Jar many times, and while I wouldn't call it the best of Los Angeles, I thoroughly enjoy my meals there every single time (their chocolate pudding is something I crave about once a week). Anyway, I was quite thrilled to see both chefs battling it out as I felt for once that I could maintain the illusion of a mildly informed (but not really) opinion about their food.

In case you missed it last night, here's the explosive (read: HILARIOUS) video of Teresa flipping a table at Danielle, née Montana Moorehead, née Milton Moorehead, during the Real Housewives of New Jersey finale. Watching her rev herself up into a frenzy is something to behold. Even people who don't watch the show should be entertained by this clip.

Also, check out my recap of the fight here.

Hype = fulfilled.

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

After weeks of anticipation, we finally got to see the epic brawl on The Real Housewives of New Jersey tonight, and it did not disappoint in the least. It was — as the kids say — O.O.C. (That stands for "Out of Control"). I'm telling you, there has never been a fight like this in Housewives, nay, Bravo history. There were lies, accusations, screams, and one unlucky tabletop that went falling to the floor. In short, it was amazing.

It's the moment we've been waiting months for. Ever since we saw Teresa flip a table during the Real Housewives of New Jersey preview special back in April, we've been eagerly anticipating what looks to be the most over-the-top blowout in Bravo history, and now the moment is almost here. Tonight, the shockingly short New Jersey season draws to a close with the ladies all gathering at a restaurant for dinner, and guess who makes things awkward? Good ol' Danielle. I won't tell you exactly what she does because it's so bizarre and awful yet wonderfully hilarious. You just have to see it for yourself in the clip above, which serves as a mere teaser for the drama (and airborne furniture) to come.

After the jump, two more bonus clips (sadly, none feature Teresa yelling "WHORE!!!!")

Oops! I forgot to post this earlier this week, but NBC's epic, butterfly-centric series Kings returns to the airwaves tonight! My friend works on the show, and I promised her I'd show it some love. It got great reviews, but apparently never found an audience. Well, now's your chance to check it out.

Kings. Tonight. NBC. 8 PM (I think — check your local listings)

I finally caught the premiere episode of Top Chef Masters last night, and I actually liked it way more than I thought I would. I feared that it would dilute the brand — and the lack of Tom or Padma or Gail (not to be confused with Gael) — would cheapen the experience, but no, it was just fine. Hostess Kelly Choi seemed incredibly nervous in front of the camera as her face was often contorted into an uncomfortable scowl, but aside from her generally awkward and eye-flaring presence, everything seemed fine. The new judges were articulate and informed — even if I didn't quite trust Red Sweater's knowledge of tailgating food.

As for the chefs, we were given four contestants, who had all won several honors — except for perhaps cowboy freezer enthusiast Tim Love, whose only highlighted accomplishment was not that he had won a James Beard award but that he had ridden on horseback to the ceremony. Hmmm... Compared to the other chefs — Christopher Lee, Michael Schlow, Hubert Keller — he seemed like kind of a lightweight, and I'm not sure he impressed much of America when he accidentally stored his produce in THE FREEZER instead of the fridge. Apparently, because of a lack of ice racks, he just assumed he was dealing with a refrigerator, which leads me to believe he'd never heard of that other handy indicator: TEMPERATURE. As in, if you open up a fridge and you feel like you might just freeze solid, especially if left trapped inside of it for a few hours, then chances are you're dealing with a FREEZER.

I suppose Tuesday night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was the calm before the storm. That's because next week, we're already at the much-hyped season finale where tables are flipped, fingers are pointed, and bellows of "WHHHHOORREEEEE!!!!" are screamed across all of Bergen county. Yeah, it's gonna be a doozy, and I personally can't wait. But for now, we have last night's pleasant but rather uneventful episode to contend with. Coming off the drama of "THE BOOK," I was really hoping this installment would build on the tension in Franklin Lakes, but it instead it served as a bit of a palate cleanser. The dominating stories pertained mostly to boob jobs and photo shoots gone awry, which was all fine and good, but none of the Danielle drama Bravo hyped up in its promos ever really came to fruition. Sure, the Cougar broke up with her cup — in a dingy local diner, of all places — but aside from some quivering chin action, there really wasn't much more to the story line than that.

Amusingly though, after having dumped her boytoy over the Early Bird Special, Danielle then sat down her two girls and told them that even though things were kaput with Steve, he still wanted to be there for the girls and take an active role in their lives. Sadly, the only one who actually believed this was Danielle. Not even the girls put any faith in this dumb story, citing previous suitors who have failed to live up to their promises. It's actually kind of depressing seeing how jaded the kids were, but the eldest one spoke the truth when she postulated that men were only interested in Danielle's "goodies." This led to an uncomfortable moment as America recoiled at the thought of using the term "goodies" in association with Danielle's snatch. It's kind of like calling rotting compost a "candy pile." Anyway, this is getting entirely too graphic, and I apologize.

Sometimes I'm astonished by the sheer amount of junk I post about The Real Housewives, but hey, it brings the traffic in; so why stop? Well, great news. Those catty shrews forty miles south of me are back on Bravo tomorrow night. Yes, I'm talking about The Real Housewives of Orange County, who'll be making a return appearance to the airwaves in yet another "Lost Footage" special. I imagine Andy Cohen will host this one with his usual preening smile (memo to producers: remember to powder his face this time), which is too bad for America, but hey, I suppose it's a small price to pay for an extra sixty minutes with the ladies. What do we have to look forward to? I imagine more of the same — which can only be a good thing. Not convinced? Check out the above video which shows Tamra cursing out Gretchen over this mysterious Jay fellow (remember him? The alleged boy on the side Gretchen had?). I'm still befuddled as to why Tamra cares so much about this whole situation (oh that's right. She's blonde and jealous), and if you thought she looked bad on the last reunion special, wait 'til you see her in action here. Meanwhile, Andy does little to diffuse the situation beyond extending a few empathetic but empty comments here and there. It's hard to believe this guy is actually a network executive.

However, for as much as the two blondes go at it, the real scene stealer is Jeana, who sneaks in two classic Jeana comments right before the end of the clip. Her jaded misery continues to entertain immensely.

I'm still waiting for Bravo to put up photos from last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey; so in the meantime, take a look at this preview teaser for next week's season finale, which looks to be so epic that pseudo-Dark Knight music is used to score the action. Anticipation building!!!

Two nights ago, the Food Network launched its fifth season of Next Food Network Star, a cooking show that is often and unjustly viewed as Top Chef's ugly little brother. While the series isn't as slick or upmarket as what Bravo has to offer, in some ways Next Food Network Star is actually a stronger product in that we the viewer can actually have informed opinions on what's being judged. That's because contestants on Next Food Network Star are not only trying to present appetizing dishes, but they're also essentially auditioning for America. It's all about their personality, their authority, and their taste-level -- three attributes that I can happily pontificate about from my cozy seat on the couch.

Plus, let's not overlook the judging panel. We've got Food Network executive Bob Tuschman, who's affable and friendly and seems like he'd never hurt any living creature under the sun. We've got Bobby Flay, whose growly, thuggish voice sometimes betrays his immense talent. And then we've got marketing exec Susie Fogelson. Oh, Susie Fogelson. Really, the other two don't even matter. No disrespect to Bobbies T & F, but it's all about Susie Foges. She is the quintessential ice queen -- the second coming of Carolyn Kepcher. And I mean that in the best possible way. Very few can level a cold, withering insult like Susie Fogelson, who manages to add a wonderful tinge of corporate je ne sais quoi to her frequent disapproval. Her hand-flapping protest of Kelsey Nixon's Rachel Ray Show performance last season ("This feels uncomfortable") is legendary in my book. Honestly, I think she may just be second only to Martha Stewart. Like that doyenne of the WASPy putdown ("You just don't fit in"), Susie's critiques are gloriously soul-crushing, which means that when she likes something, it's all the more exciting. She kind of is the X-factor for this show. A wonderful, wonderful X-factor.

I may be thirty, but videos like these still crack me up. Thanks to jash for sending it along.

Be warned — the sound that emanates forth most certainly is NSFW. (That means NOT SAFE FOR WORK, idiots)

"LET ME TELL YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY: we ALL enjoy a good volcano love bowl once in a while."

It's Tuesday; so that can only mean one thing: time for more Real Housewives fun, and as usual, I've got some preview clips. In the video above, Caroline celebrates her wedding anniversary with her kids in a Chinese restaurant where she and the hubby order the scandalously named Volcano Love Bowl (not to be confused with Vicki's Love Tank). The Manzos continue to charm me with their mix of humor and hot-tempers (also seen in a clip after the jump where they hit the gym). It almost makes you forget about the shamelessly materialistic Teresa who seems to deal with life's problems by throwing money and lip gloss at them. After the jump, check out a video of her talking to her crying daughter while she vacations in Atlantic City. Poor Milania misses her mom so much that she can't stop wailing in the Chateau de Giudice. So what does Teresa do? If you answered "Sternly ordered her to stop bawling," you'd be wrong. Instead she promises gifts and teddy bears to mend the situation. This does not bode well for their childhood development...

More videos after the jump.

Earlier this week, MTV aired a Very Special episode of The Hills. Not only did it serve as Lauren Conrad's last appearance in the franchise as a regular cast member, but it also ushered in the newlywed era of Speidi, whose nuptials were documented for the world to see. And yes, it was all just as ridiculous as you could imagine. From the bridal shower to the rehearsal dinner to some frivolous scenes in between, there was much to laugh at over the course of this seminal hour. And let's not overlook the return of Krsitin Cavallari, on hand to save the series from the Conrad-free doldrums. It's great to have her back. I only hope she can reinvigorate this show the way she did Laguna Beach. Something tells me she has it in her.

It's official. I'm now loving The Real Housewives of New Jersey. It's nowhere near as amazing and perfect as New York, but I think it can hold its own with the rest of the franchise. Last night's episode was compelling (in a trashy, shouldn't-be-admitting-it kind of way) but also very funny. Caroline remains my favorite of the group with her guarded, maternal instincts. During the dance lesson, I thought she'd come roaring off her little couch the moment Danielle put Christopher's hands on her hips. Let me tell you a something about Caroline: she does not like cougars around her cubs.

But this wasn't Caroline's episode. This show was all about Danielle and all the dirty laundry that finally surfaced, thanks to a poorly written and previously forgotten about book by her ex. Turns out that in Danielle's past, she had been a model (read: stripper), who was once romantically attached to (read: blowing) some sort of drug kingpin. One day she came back from a modeling shoot (read: Mr. Muff's Kitty Emporium), and it just so happened that the Feds were arresting her man. Danielle was booked as an accessory, and from that point on, the skeletons had been firmly locked away in the closet. Until now.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey popped up on the fourth hour of The Today Show this morning, and as you can imagine, it was totally awkward and strange, thanks in no small part to hosts Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb, who managed to pepper the women with all sorts of strange questions. We didn't really learn anything except that Caroline is not one who likes to divulge much ("you'll have to wait and see" was her standard answer to many questions — I suppose loose lips sink ships in NJ), but it's fun anyway watching these women squirm uncomfortably in the media spotlight.

Tomorrow night, The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs once again, and with all the rumors circulating about Danielle Staub and her shady past, things are getting mighty interesting. In the clip above, Danielle gets snippy with her gal pals Jacqueline and Teresa (the latter of whom never found a headband she couldn't strangle her follicles with). There's all sorts of squawking and dramatic accusations, most of which bring out the best in Danielle's stereotypical Jersey accent.

After the jump, Danielle flashes us her crotch as she joins the other housewives in a ballroom dancing class. Hands are placed in inappropriate places, mothers level angry glares, and the whole thing promises to balloon spectacularly out of control...