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Before she was Danielle from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, she was Danielle from All My Children. Yes, it's Danielle Staub — rumored coke whore drug kingpin / confirmed dinner party ruiner. Here she is in a cameo appearance on the aforementioned soap opera All My Children in 2001, sharing the screen with none other than Josh Duhamel. Sadly, Danielle's moment in the limelight is brief, but it does afford us a neat view of her old face. We also get to see Josh Duhamel's old haircut (dumb), and as he spends the latter part of the clip rattling off the crimes of some notorious woman on the show, it's fun to imagine that he's actually talking about Danielle, that PROSTITUTION WHOO-AARRR!!!! Good times indeed.

I was bored today; so I decided to have some fun. What would happen if The Real Housewives headed into the many worlds of Super Mario Bros.?

Pics after the jump...

The first part of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special aired last night, and the predominant feeling was... eh? I knew it would be damn near impossible to live up to the televised nirvana that was The Last Supper director's cut hour from last week, but who knew this reunion would be so bland? There was hardly a scuffle, nary a shout, and barely a bitchy accusation. So far, it's shaped up to be the worst Housewives reunion of the year! And just when we started to get some drama, emcee wunderkind Andy Cohen told the ladies to stop and save it for later. WTF??? Nevertheless, I'm not sure there were any notable moments worth sharing. Let's see... Teresa and Jacqueline were both very preggers, with the latter lady looking as if she were going to spray placenta on Andy Cohen's face at any second. It didn't help matters that she spent much of the hour massaging her sizable womb like some glammed up Buddha with a spray tan and fat lips. And speaking of those lips, Jacqueline had them so plumped up, I started to think each one was carrying an embryo of its own.

As for other oddly shaped body parts, Danielle revealed that she had a sick bubbie that had never settled into its pocket. That might explain its bizarre, seemingly-autonomous behavior. Amusingly though, Danielle then claimed that she had never had any other surgery beyond the ta-tas. Normally, I'd be able to read her face to see if she was lying, but it's been pulled back so tight, I just can't tell.

And speaking of all things surgery-related, what was up with Dina telling Andy that the word was not "bubbies?" She acted as if he were a martian when he said that. Meanwhile, two seconds later, we watched an extensive montage of all the women saying "bubbies" at length. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's marinara sauce, Dina.

BAM! It's a Nene house tour!

Check it out! Bravo JUST released this clip moments ago. The Real Housewives of Atlanta are back for season two, and joining them is new cast member Kandi, formerly of the '90s not-so-supergroup Xscape. To be honest, I haven't even watched this video. I'm just gonna post it, and then take a looksie. Should be fun...

I am incredibly excited for tonight's first hour of the two-part Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion; although, I fear that after last week's monster episodes, it's gonna be something of a letdown. I mean, how can you top Teresa's legendary table flip? You can't. You absolutely can't. Still, it should be a fun hour (even though the preview clips indicate a distinct lack of screaming and cursing).

Above, Teresa attempts — and fails — to defend her husband Joe's gay remarks. After the jump, some discussion about THE BOOK and the mob.

In case you missed it last night, here's the explosive (read: HILARIOUS) video of Teresa flipping a table at Danielle, née Montana Moorehead, née Milton Moorehead, during the Real Housewives of New Jersey finale. Watching her rev herself up into a frenzy is something to behold. Even people who don't watch the show should be entertained by this clip.

Also, check out my recap of the fight here.

Hype = fulfilled.

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

After weeks of anticipation, we finally got to see the epic brawl on The Real Housewives of New Jersey tonight, and it did not disappoint in the least. It was — as the kids say — O.O.C. (That stands for "Out of Control"). I'm telling you, there has never been a fight like this in Housewives, nay, Bravo history. There were lies, accusations, screams, and one unlucky tabletop that went falling to the floor. In short, it was amazing.

It's the moment we've been waiting months for. Ever since we saw Teresa flip a table during the Real Housewives of New Jersey preview special back in April, we've been eagerly anticipating what looks to be the most over-the-top blowout in Bravo history, and now the moment is almost here. Tonight, the shockingly short New Jersey season draws to a close with the ladies all gathering at a restaurant for dinner, and guess who makes things awkward? Good ol' Danielle. I won't tell you exactly what she does because it's so bizarre and awful yet wonderfully hilarious. You just have to see it for yourself in the clip above, which serves as a mere teaser for the drama (and airborne furniture) to come.

After the jump, two more bonus clips (sadly, none feature Teresa yelling "WHORE!!!!")

I suppose Tuesday night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was the calm before the storm. That's because next week, we're already at the much-hyped season finale where tables are flipped, fingers are pointed, and bellows of "WHHHHOORREEEEE!!!!" are screamed across all of Bergen county. Yeah, it's gonna be a doozy, and I personally can't wait. But for now, we have last night's pleasant but rather uneventful episode to contend with. Coming off the drama of "THE BOOK," I was really hoping this installment would build on the tension in Franklin Lakes, but it instead it served as a bit of a palate cleanser. The dominating stories pertained mostly to boob jobs and photo shoots gone awry, which was all fine and good, but none of the Danielle drama Bravo hyped up in its promos ever really came to fruition. Sure, the Cougar broke up with her cup — in a dingy local diner, of all places — but aside from some quivering chin action, there really wasn't much more to the story line than that.

Amusingly though, after having dumped her boytoy over the Early Bird Special, Danielle then sat down her two girls and told them that even though things were kaput with Steve, he still wanted to be there for the girls and take an active role in their lives. Sadly, the only one who actually believed this was Danielle. Not even the girls put any faith in this dumb story, citing previous suitors who have failed to live up to their promises. It's actually kind of depressing seeing how jaded the kids were, but the eldest one spoke the truth when she postulated that men were only interested in Danielle's "goodies." This led to an uncomfortable moment as America recoiled at the thought of using the term "goodies" in association with Danielle's snatch. It's kind of like calling rotting compost a "candy pile." Anyway, this is getting entirely too graphic, and I apologize.

Sometimes I'm astonished by the sheer amount of junk I post about The Real Housewives, but hey, it brings the traffic in; so why stop? Well, great news. Those catty shrews forty miles south of me are back on Bravo tomorrow night. Yes, I'm talking about The Real Housewives of Orange County, who'll be making a return appearance to the airwaves in yet another "Lost Footage" special. I imagine Andy Cohen will host this one with his usual preening smile (memo to producers: remember to powder his face this time), which is too bad for America, but hey, I suppose it's a small price to pay for an extra sixty minutes with the ladies. What do we have to look forward to? I imagine more of the same — which can only be a good thing. Not convinced? Check out the above video which shows Tamra cursing out Gretchen over this mysterious Jay fellow (remember him? The alleged boy on the side Gretchen had?). I'm still befuddled as to why Tamra cares so much about this whole situation (oh that's right. She's blonde and jealous), and if you thought she looked bad on the last reunion special, wait 'til you see her in action here. Meanwhile, Andy does little to diffuse the situation beyond extending a few empathetic but empty comments here and there. It's hard to believe this guy is actually a network executive.

However, for as much as the two blondes go at it, the real scene stealer is Jeana, who sneaks in two classic Jeana comments right before the end of the clip. Her jaded misery continues to entertain immensely.

A few weeks ago, rumors swirled that Jeana Keough might not return for the next season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Maybe she might want to reconsider that fat paycheck from Bravo as she's now defaulted on her mortgage to Chase. Yes, the beleaguered and often trod-upon housewife now owes over $37,000 to the bank and nearly $4,000 to her homeowners association. The former Playboy bunny told the Orange County Register that there's actually a method to the madness. Jeana claims she's applying for a loan modification, which necessitates that she ceases payment on her current mortgage in order to qualify. Sounds like a mess. And I'm sure Vicki has been happily clucking away about steps Jeana could have taken to avoid this situation.

Nevertheless, read all about it here (via Curbed LA)

I'm still waiting for Bravo to put up photos from last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey; so in the meantime, take a look at this preview teaser for next week's season finale, which looks to be so epic that pseudo-Dark Knight music is used to score the action. Anticipation building!!!

"LET ME TELL YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY: we ALL enjoy a good volcano love bowl once in a while."

It's Tuesday; so that can only mean one thing: time for more Real Housewives fun, and as usual, I've got some preview clips. In the video above, Caroline celebrates her wedding anniversary with her kids in a Chinese restaurant where she and the hubby order the scandalously named Volcano Love Bowl (not to be confused with Vicki's Love Tank). The Manzos continue to charm me with their mix of humor and hot-tempers (also seen in a clip after the jump where they hit the gym). It almost makes you forget about the shamelessly materialistic Teresa who seems to deal with life's problems by throwing money and lip gloss at them. After the jump, check out a video of her talking to her crying daughter while she vacations in Atlantic City. Poor Milania misses her mom so much that she can't stop wailing in the Chateau de Giudice. So what does Teresa do? If you answered "Sternly ordered her to stop bawling," you'd be wrong. Instead she promises gifts and teddy bears to mend the situation. This does not bode well for their childhood development...

More videos after the jump.

It's official. I'm now loving The Real Housewives of New Jersey. It's nowhere near as amazing and perfect as New York, but I think it can hold its own with the rest of the franchise. Last night's episode was compelling (in a trashy, shouldn't-be-admitting-it kind of way) but also very funny. Caroline remains my favorite of the group with her guarded, maternal instincts. During the dance lesson, I thought she'd come roaring off her little couch the moment Danielle put Christopher's hands on her hips. Let me tell you a something about Caroline: she does not like cougars around her cubs.

But this wasn't Caroline's episode. This show was all about Danielle and all the dirty laundry that finally surfaced, thanks to a poorly written and previously forgotten about book by her ex. Turns out that in Danielle's past, she had been a model (read: stripper), who was once romantically attached to (read: blowing) some sort of drug kingpin. One day she came back from a modeling shoot (read: Mr. Muff's Kitty Emporium), and it just so happened that the Feds were arresting her man. Danielle was booked as an accessory, and from that point on, the skeletons had been firmly locked away in the closet. Until now.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey popped up on the fourth hour of The Today Show this morning, and as you can imagine, it was totally awkward and strange, thanks in no small part to hosts Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb, who managed to pepper the women with all sorts of strange questions. We didn't really learn anything except that Caroline is not one who likes to divulge much ("you'll have to wait and see" was her standard answer to many questions — I suppose loose lips sink ships in NJ), but it's fun anyway watching these women squirm uncomfortably in the media spotlight.

Tomorrow night, The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs once again, and with all the rumors circulating about Danielle Staub and her shady past, things are getting mighty interesting. In the clip above, Danielle gets snippy with her gal pals Jacqueline and Teresa (the latter of whom never found a headband she couldn't strangle her follicles with). There's all sorts of squawking and dramatic accusations, most of which bring out the best in Danielle's stereotypical Jersey accent.

After the jump, Danielle flashes us her crotch as she joins the other housewives in a ballroom dancing class. Hands are placed in inappropriate places, mothers level angry glares, and the whole thing promises to balloon spectacularly out of control...

It's only been two weeks since we last saw The Real Housewives of New York City, but Bravo thankfully injected us with a dose of reality methadone last night with its much welcomed "Lost Footage" special. I like the New Jersey cast and all, but honestly, it would be impossible to top the insanity and excellence of New York's second season. As such, seeing the likes of Jill and Bethenny and Ramona and Kelly was like having an old friend come over for dinner. Nothing but good times and fond memories. Really, none of the casts have anything on these ladies. Not only are they a perfect maelstrom of cattiness, but they live and operate in much more fascinating circles. While the Atlanta ladies ponder the complexities of guacamole made in a mortar and pestle (a.k.a. a ROCK) and the Orange County women scream on booze cruises in Havasu, the New York clan goes to cultural events and red carpet soirées. Not saying they're any less tacky... just a bit more awesome.

Earlier this month, NASA commenced the final servicing for the Hubble Telescope, and while the photos of the mission are fascinating, I felt they could use some added pizzazz. What better way to spice up some boring space shots than by adding some nouveau riche women into the mix?

After the jump, I present you The Real Housewives in outer space!

And here it is. The alleged mug shot of Danielle Staub from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

In the preview of next week's episode, one of the cast members holds up a book titled Cop Without A Badge, which supposedly features all sorts of dirt on Danielle's sordid past. Thankfully, a reader sent me a juicy excerpt, which includes this pic of Danielle, who's referred to as Beverly Merrill. Is this her real name or just a literary alias? Not sure. But what we do know is that according to the book (whose veracity cannot be vouched for), the author claims that this Beverly character had been busted for extortion, kidnapping, and possession. But don't fret too much. It's not like Danielle was a criminal mastermind. She merely partied with a criminal mastermind, and from the sounds of it, when that guy got busted, she got cuffed too. Sort of like an '80s version of Adriana La Cerva.

To read all the poorly-written details, check out the excerpt here.

I'm proud to report that The Real Housewives of New Jersey is starting to heat up a little. The first two episodes had been entertaining, but coming off the heels of a tumultuous RHONYC season, not to mention a spectacular two hour reunion imbroglio, it was hard to truly embrace these Jersey divas. Now, though, we're three shows deeps, and we're starting to get a sense of the characters. Caroline has emerged as my hands-down favorite housewife, with her sister Dina not far behind. Jacqueline is alright — a bit flaccid — but enjoyable for all the muck she somehow stirs up while simultaneously abdicating herself from any responsibility, and Teresa is sweet but horrendously tacky, offering up something a bit more appalling each week. Then we have Danielle, our resident lightning rod of controversy. She's absolutely crazy in the most fantastic way. Not only does her face look like it's being sucked into a vacuum tube, but she's prone to histrionic caucuses of her friends to discuss generally inane things. Case in point: when she dramatically arrived at Jacqueline's house to discuss an impending breakup with her twenty-six year old boy toy. Never mind that she TOTALLY RUINED THE PLAYDATE (that bitch!), but she clearly only wanted to relish in her own drama, much to the dismay of Jacqueline and Teresa. When the two women offered any advice, Danielle brushed it off with an angry and sarcastic "Thank you! Thank you!" It didn't really make much sense, but I loved the awfulness of it nonetheless.

Tonight's a brand spanking new edition of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and hopefully, some sparks might start flying with these ladies. In the meantime, here's a clip of resident battle ax Caroline forcing her daughter to learn the finer art of pubic waxing. After the jump, two bonus clips that I honestly haven't seen (they weren't working on the Bravo website, but hopefully they'll embed fine here). I don't really know what they're about, but I'm sure they're horrifying and embarrassing for all parties involved....

"OH REALLY?"

And it continues to grow. Today Bravo announced that it would be developing the fifth iteration of its hit Real Housewives franchise with the upcoming Real Housewives of DC. Details are scant, but rest assured that between all the "cultural events, political galas, gallery openings and fundraisers in Washington society," there'll be plenty of drama.

Personally, I thought Texas would be the next natural move for the series, but DC sounds rather perfect, especially because it returns us to the land of Old Money — something that Orange County, New Jersey, and Atlanta sorely lack. I'll be sure to post more details as they become available, but in the meantime, check out the press release after the jump...

This parody of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion is kind of what one might call brilliant. It hits pretty much all the right notes; although, Jill comes off with a bit more of a potty mouth than I always imagined her to have. Doesn't matter. It's still funny.

Via Entertainment Weekly (thanks to The Pseuds)

Last night we had our second dose of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and while they're not as gabby as their New York counterparts or as catty as the Orange County bitches, they're well on their way to being outlandish in a certain mafia-fabulous sort of way. At the forefront of that is Teresa, who continues to relish in marble infused gaudiness. Not only is her dream house decked out like the second coming of Leonard's, but everything she does oozes with nouveau riche excess. Take, for instance, the horrifying trip she took with her daughters to Jersey's premiere couture outlet, Bella Bambini. Those girls made Johan and François look like precious angels in comparison. And even worse, Teresa makes them all match. And no, not just the kids. The entire family must dress the same. It's a bit much.

Then we have Danielle, who at times seems surprisingly reasonable and at other, more frequent times comes off like a total crazy. Her life aspirations are simple: she wants someone to take care of her. Yes, she could conceivably get off her ass and find a job, but that's no fun. So instead this week we saw her courting an alleged twenty-six year old man, and by "courting," I mean soliciting sex in the bathroom. When the two weren't doing it in every nook and cranny on the Jersey Shore, Danielle was busy fishing for compliments about her appearance and/or bickering with her ex over her delayed divorce settlement. Unsurprisingly, she didn't make much headway on the latter front, but if it's any consolation, she got to patch things up with Dina over their mysterious blow-out from weeks prior. Well, maybe "patch," isn't the right word. More like she tenuously applied an old Band-Aid to the wound, knowing full well that in about two minutes time, the tentative peace would completely unstick itself and fall by the wayside.

The TV season may be wrapping up, but there's still plenty of fun stuff to watch. Take, for instance, the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Bravo has sent along some clips from tonight's show, and while they're not as earth shattering as some of our favorite NYC videos, they're entertaining enough to warrant a look. Above, watch as Teresa gets her daughter some acting classes for a role with The Rock (in a project that effectively killed another project I had been working on. ARGH!!!).

After the jump, a bonus clip of Danielle getting ready for her date with a twenty-six year old. You might be tempted to call her a cougar, but fear not. The guy looks like he's at least thirty-six; so that takes some of the edge off.

I really didn't think The Real Housewives of New York City could top Tuesday's tumultuous hour of reunion fighting, but last night, they proved me wrong. Thursday was Kelly's time to truly shine, and what we got was nothing but a stream of incoherent ramblings from the model/socializer/owl enthusiast. The woman literally made no sense, and while at time I could soooort of understand her thought process, she was still too inarticulate to convey her points, thus causing further drama as the other ladies happily jumped on every poorly chosen word of Ms. KILLOREN Bensimon. Thankfully we had Alex, who after sitting quietly on the couch nearly the whole episode, finally chirped up and spake what we all were thinking: most of this could have been avoided had Kelly been more articulate.

But that will never happen. Kelly can't be articulate because she's simply all over the map. Everything she said was so incoherent that even Ramona of all people had to literally stop her, look her in the eyes, and tell her that she simply does not make any sense when she talks. And this is coming from Ramona. Ramona! Crazy-eyed Ramona!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, after many marvelous weeks in the big city, the Real Housewives franchise has headed back to the 'burbs for its third spin-off, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and I gotta tell you: it's showing lots of promise. So far, I don't really hate anyone yet, and while Danielle seems like a perfect candidate for Internet wrath, I had to respect the way she told off her would-be suitor, saying he should never talk to her again before adding "Or DIE!" Can we really hate that? I'm not sure. I also really liked the Manzo sisters, Dina and Caroline. The former mom (a.k.a. the blonde one) won a place in my heart when she told her daughter, "Don't be terrible." The latter mom earned my adoration simply by being maternal (although, I was not a huge fan of her apathy towards college education). Still, I could listen to that promo of her leaning forward and saying, "Let me tell you a something about my family. WE ARE AS THICK AS THIEVES!" over and over again.

Caroline's kids seemed amusing too, even if the daughter did spend half the episode traipsing around in some sort of pseudo kimono gettup that made her look at times like a butterfly and at other times like a Golden Girl. As for Caroline and Dina's sister in law Jacqueline, she seemed sweet and likable, but I fear that she will become either boring or very annoying. Then again, it's hard to say where things will go. I thought Kim seemed cool after the first episode of Atlanta. Anyway, who's left? Ah, Teresa. Like the others, she seems fine now, but her penchant for marble columns — not to mention her overbearing stage mother habits — gives her plenty of potential to turn awful. For now though, I am happy with all the wives, and I'm just more than a tad bit excited to see where this franchise will take us.

After the jump, a photocap (furnished by the few pics Bravo has posted on its site).

It doesn't matter how many times it happens, watching Kelly and Bethenny fight on The Real Housewives of New York City is always fantastic. I think it has something to do with the fact that they completely do not communicate (and that Kelly's arguments are always so bizarre that they take on a certain surrealist quality that is most appealing to my oft-dormant artistic outlook). Anyway, in this preview clip from tomorrow night's reunion special, the women go at it again, and this time, we get the added bonus of watching the other ladies (and even Andy Cohen — who fails magnificently) pipe up and lend their opinions to the situation. Needless to say, there's little resolution.

Oh, and don't think this is the only goodie I have in store for you. After the jump, a hostile clip of all the women ganging up on Countess LuAnn. It's memorable for a lot of things, but mostly a frustrated Andy Cohen raising his eyebrows and full-on whining the words, "Can I speak? Can I speak?" Next time, Andy, just bring a whistle and be done with it.

These reunions just keep getting better. The Real Housewives of New York City descended on Wall Street last night for part one of their vociferous, catty showdown, and to say that tempers flared would be an understatement. Moderator Andy Cohen proved to be more inept than usual as he demonstrated a near inability to control the likes of Ramona, LuAnn, Jill, and all the other high strung ladies in attendance. He seemed visibly miffed at one point when Ramona pulled his cue cards out of his hands, and later he was totally flummoxed in his attempts to silence the action before the crew was the break for lunch. In short, it was a disaster for him, but a godsend to us because let's face it — any Watch What Happens special where Andy is relegated to the sidelines is fine by me (and let's give him three cheers for finally mastering the art of buttoning up his shirt).

As for the rest of the show, there's not much I feel like I can add. Everything really spoke for itself. Ramona proved to be as crazy as usual, Jill continued to be a master instigator/maternal figure, and Kelly was just as fake and strange as ever. I suppose if I had to pick a favorite moment (of which there were many), I'd call it a tie between Ramona defending her paper-thin lie about shunning Silex's party in favor of food ("I don't eat in Brooklyn, OKAY?") or LuAnn breaking the tension after Kelly's breakdown by saying, "Well, he's certainly NOT a gentleman!" But truth be told, you could pretty much advance the tape to any random timeframe and wind up on a gem of a line. Great, great fun. And we still have more on Thursday! YAY!

If there's anything that could outshine my excitement for tonight's Real Housewives of New Jersey premiere, it's part one of Bravo's two-night Real Housewives of New York City reunion extravaganza. If these preview clips are any indication, the shows should be out of control. I don't even have to discuss the videos. Just watch and enjoy. And please remember: Kelly does NOT need a tissue.

Two more reunion clips after the jump AS WELL AS three preview clips from NJ!!

Bethenny: "Huh. I thought we were all wearing MURDER GLOVES tonight."

Sadness. The Real Housewives of New York City has drawn to a close for the season, and while there's two whopping helpings of reunion next week, it just won't be the same. The good news is that we got the Jersey girls just 'round the corner, and let's face it, Bravo has smartly developed this franchise in such a way that we really can go a full year without having any gaps in our Housewives fix; so really, what the hell am I complaining about? Nuthin'.

Anyway, the big finale ended at Jill's charity auction for Creaky Joints — a bizarrely named organization whose logo (written in "bone" font) was a bit too literal for my tastes. I mean, I know it's all about curing arthritis, but must the letters appear as if they've been carved from Lucy's skeleton? It's like the Flintstones were in charge of branding. Nevertheless, with a season's worth of drama leading up to the big event, it's no surprise that Jill became a total crazy woman, barking and fighting with seemingly everyone — or at least Ramona and Bethenny. The former fight was rather standard fare. The latter was an all-out screamfest — the kind where I thought both women might actually start crying and begging for Mommy. I was shocked that Ramona, of all people, proved to be the calming presence in the fray.

Tomorrow night Bravo airs the season finale of The Real Housewives of New York City, and if the previews are any indication, there's going to be a major, major blowup between Jill and Bethenny at this stupid charity event we've been hearing about for ages. The clip above shows the origins of the fight, and we can only imagine how the shit's gonna hit the fan later in the episode...

Also, after the jump, a little lighthearted fare, courtesy of Bethenny and Countess LuAnn's housekeeper, Rosie.

Putting the "frau" in "fraud."

Some people will do anything to get on the Real Housewives franchise — even if that includes $38 million fraud. That's the case with a Laguna Hills woman, Devon Kile, who with her husband was just busted by the authorities for engaging in one of the largest insurance scams in California history. Turns out Devon and her man, Michael Petronella, ran a shady roofing business that skimped on taxes and employee compensation. This led to an old-fashioned raid by investigators, who found amongst the jewelry and Ferraris an application for Devon to be part of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

Clearly these minor criminal activities will undermine any shot she has to be on the show, but honestly, I think she'd be perfect. What better way to rankle Vicki than by sticking a FAKE business woman into the mix? The amount of sneering and eye-rolling would be sensational (especially if Devon were forced to wear vintage prison stripes every episode). C'mon, Bravo. Do something bold: cast a lying fraud! It's like you haven't done it before.

For more information, check out the full story at KTLA.

And in other news: there's gonna be a new housewife? Won't seven be too many? Or is someone getting the ax? It better not be Lynn, the world's greatest foil to Vicki...

Oh Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. They don't get much denser than you now, do they? On last night's penultimate episode of the Real Housewives of New York City, we once again got a delightful smattering of Lady Bensimon idiocy, starting with her inability to grasp simple metaphors and ending with her bizarre refusal to acknowledge any of the nasty comments she had ever made to Bethenny. It was classic Kelly, and I once again spent most of the episode scratching my head and wondering if she really could be that awful?

The answer is yes. Yes she can.

If you missed any of the action, do yourself a favor and watch the show. In the meantime, take a seat here on the metaphorical version of Ally's bed that is my blog and let me relay all the glorious ups and downs of last night's episode.

It's a bit overcast and gloomy here in Los Angeles today, but I'm feeling quite sunny as I know tomorrow brings a second battle between Kelly Bensimon and Bethenny Frankel on The Real Housewives of New York City. In the above clip, we get a brief preview of their fight, and needless to say, it's very tense. The two get along about as well as Kelly Bensimon's breasts. I'll hold off until tomorrow to truly analyze the fight, but from what we can see, it looks like Bethenny at least starts off in a calm, mature place. Kelly... not so much.

After the jump, two more bonus clips from Tuesday's upcoming show...

"Now I'm a lowercase 'L'."

It's funny how bland and boring Kelly Bensimon was at the beginning of this second season of The Real Housewives of New York City. Who would have thought she'd shape up to be the most despised character in the group? I thought she'd simply flit around for a few weeks, serving as nothing more than blotchy-skinned eye candy before being relieved of her duties by Andy Cohen at the end of the run. Ah, but Kelly has shown her true colors recently, and we've since come to learn that she fairly awful in all aspects of life. Whether she's conducting an interview like a seventh grader, clogging up traffic with her jogging, or engaging in illogical bitching, Kelly has been across the board terrible. Last night's episode was no exception as she threw a Halloween party and then didn't show up until perhaps two hours after the start-time, thus forcing all the housewives who had shown up — LuAnn, Alex & Simon, Jill & Bawwby (and their bodyguard, who was curiously in costume too), and Bethenny — to stand there and wait in what looked like a very cramped and very stuffy space. Poor Simon must have been sweating in his moose costume, but then again, that's his fault for wearing such a silly outfit. I know he and Alex were over the moon with their Sarah Palin / Moose gettup, but a) it wasn't terribly original for 2008, and b) I totally agree with whichever housewife said they thought it was Rocky & Bullwinkle. That's exactly what I thought it was. Nevertheless, the point is that these people were stuck waiting around, and the party could not have looked more awful. And on top of that, there was a cash bar! Really? Really?

Look, I know in this economy, not everyone can afford to host an open bar, but rather than waste a few thousand dollars taking a picture of yourself as the letter "A," why don't you send out a cyber invitation (better for the environment anyway) and divert the saved funds to the libations. Or better yet, since there was already a tequila sponsor for the party (note the branding on the red carpet), have THEM offer up an open bar. This isn't rocket science. As many of the women noted, it was a bit shocking that Kelly would lend her name to this half-assed, narcissistic event and not a major charity function.

Plus, when Kelly did finally turn up, she was wearing a rather standard, rather simple Playboy bunny costume. She claimed she was late because getting ready for the party took super long, but it's not like she had to lower herself into a six-foot tall mechanical contraption with flashing lights and exploding sparklers. All she had to do was put on some lingerie and brush her hair. Lame.

Anyway, I'm a bit rushed this morning; so let's just get to the photocap, shall we? Pics after the jump...

On tonight's episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, things got tense when the assembled fraus arrived at Kelly Bensimon's Halloween party, only to discover that their notorious hostess was nowhere to be found. That's right, Kelly — who proudly served as the letter "A" in her Halloween invites (not to mention the word "asshole") — didn't arrive at her own party until at least ninety minutes after it had started, perhaps up to two hours. So where was she? I'd like to think she was putting young Sea to sleep or perhaps caught in traffic or even overseeing an emergency meeting in the owl community, but no, Kelly was preoccupied with none of the above. Instead, she was just taking her sweet ass time with Plum TV, an online outpost that covers all things WASPy and delightful such as Marth's Vineyard, Vail, and The Hamptons (but not plums, oddly enough). I don't know why the good people at Plum TV took an interest in watching Kelly slip herself into a frilly Playboy bunny costume, but they did, and as a result, we get a neat, ninety-second glimpse into what the hell took Kelly so damn long to get to her party. I think we're supposed to be entertained or entranced or fascinated by Kelly's hair and makeup process, but instead, it's just infuriating knowing there are people who are simultaneously waiting for her in a cramped, low-ceilinged social space being forced to pay for drinks (despite the presence of alcohol sponsors). WEAK.

Tonight is another episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, and un case you haven't been paying attention, Kelly Bensimon — she of the breasts that resemble Newton's Cradle in action — is kind of the worst ever. In this preview clip for tonight's show, we see Kelly as she poses for a photographer, ultimately creating the letter "A" with her body. No, Kelly hasn't been recruited for some sort of bitchy version of Sesame Street. It was an artistic choice by her to be the letter "A" in a Halloween invitation she'd be sending out. Amusingly, she informs us (quite proudly) that she's not just an "A," but a smiling "A," which apparently makes her one of the more provocative yet fun letters of the alphabet. Thank goodness for that. Just remember: A is up here, and Z is soooo down there.

I believe this picture really brings new meaning to Kelly's signature put-down "I'm up here, and you're down here."

One more picture of crooked mammaries after the jump...

My friend Lindsay sent me this wonderful side-by-side photo, and I think her description says it all: "A funny thing occurred to me while I was watching ashton kutcher's twitter celebration (http://tr.im/j4uC). Demi Moore and Jill Zarin share at least ONE thing in common..."

Tasty!

Not too long ago, rumors surfaced that Bethenny Frankel of The Real Housewives of New York City and Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees were an item after the latter celebrity's much-publicized breakup from his wife. If it sounded too crazy to be true, that's because it was. The pairing was apparently just a rumor that Bethenny brushed off with her usual brand of fast-talking self-deprecating humor. However, in a quirky turn of meta-events, the new batch of rumors allege that A-Rod was so taken with Bethenny's response to the situation that he actually got in touch with her, and now the two are plowing cakes for reals.

Who knows if any of this is true, but I think we can all agree that A-Rod would make quite the fascinating addition to the Housewives franchise. Watching Jill Zarin dote on him and Bethenny like a mother hen would be beyond entertaining. In fact, the only thing that could possibly top that would be Kelly Bensimon's frustrated jealousy as she'd be forced to watch from the sidelines with her significantly less famous (and therefore important) boytoy Max. Crossing fingers that rumor is fact...

Thanks to Anh for the link.

New York Daily News: A-Rod Hooked up with 'Housewives' babe, spies say

When the good people at Bravo sent me pics of almost all the Real Housewives doing a fashion show at tonight's A-List Awards, I simply couldn't resist the urge to do a photocap. I could go on about how all the women look more or less terrible and how the clothes all seem to be unflattering and how I hope that at least one of the pieces comes from the SHE By Sherayay line, but why bother? The pictures speak for themselves.

Photocap after the jump...

The ladies were workin' it on last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. The show put an emphasis on everyone's career ambitions — with the exception of Alex, who I imagine was not allowed to bring cameras into the inner-sanctum of Victoria's Secret where she worked. Of course, it doesn't matter much now since she's been recently laid off, but hey, at least we got to see her amazing surprise party this year. And by "amazing," I mean exceedingly lame. I suppose as a parent, there's nothing better than spending your birthday with your kids, but does that really qualify as a good surprise? She was headed home anyway. Seems kind of lame, especially given the Third World state of her townhouse. It's like saying "For your birthday, I'm taking you to a dumpster. SURPRISE!"

How fortunate! Today is Tuesday, which means more zaniness with the Real Housewives of New York City tonight! Looks like there should be plenty of fun all around as Bethenny and Ramona lock horns, first about branding and then about Bethenny's social status. As you'll see in the clip above, Ramona apparently has been spelling her "True" brand different ways on different products. One item is called True Faith while the other is Tru Renewal. Or vice versa. Not the brightest of ideas. Bethenny notes this, and then eventually the passive-aggressive ball of yarn that is their friendship unravels.

After the jump, a bonus clip of Silex being silly (and you know it's Silex because the video starts with strumming, patronizing violins)...

Take one part crazy, one part awesome, and one part HOT (in a deluded, not-as-hot-as-Gretchen kind of way), and what do you get? The picture above, which features Ramona (Real Housewives of New York City), Zoila (Flipping Out) and Tamra (Real Housewives of Orange County). I don't know the context of the photo (sent to me courtesy of Jash), but it's safe to say that it probably was snapped at some Bravo function where Zoila may or may not have been on cleanup duty (she is in her maid outfit). Needless to say, I think we can all agree this leads to a very important question: "Who would you marry, sleep with, and kill?"

Submit your choices below.

After last week's turbulent, fight-filled episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, Bravo switched things up and supplied us with an hour of pure comedy last night as the much-hyped tennis match between Ramona, Mario, Jill and Mystery Man finally took place. I gotta say, it was worth the wait. Jill and Bethenny managed to punk Ramona and Mario (Ramario?) nice and good by selecting an ever-eager Simon to be Jill's tennis partner. Needless to say, once the plan was hatched, the buildup to the game was nothing less than hilariously extraordinary. How would Ramona react? How would Mario react? And could Simon and Jill (team Sill?) actually triumph at the end of the day?

Bravo's A-List Awards are fairly horrendous, but they do offer special sights such as the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunited on the red carpet. Here we can see Nene Leakes, Lisa WU Hartwell, a significantly less wiggy Kim Zolciak, Sherayay Whitfield, and DeShawn Snow — as portrayed by Shereeay's bespectacled main gay. (How you gonna have a housewife show with no housewife?)

Double Nene BAM goes to Sherayay for sticking her man-arm out front and proclaiming this photo to be HERS.

Via Socialite Life

Recently, The Real Housewives of New York City gathered for an Entertainment Weekly photo shoot where the theme was "food fight." As you can imagine, plenty of flour, pie, and other assorted kitchen items were hurled with plenty of gusto and aplomb. EW graciously captured all the excitement on video, but being the bastards they are, they're refusing to allow other sites to embed it. Sigh.

Nevertheless, I took some screencaps from the video and have posted them after the jump, as well as a link to the aforementioned video.

There's been so much scandal on The Real Housewives of New York City that we've almost lost sight of our favorite talking green bean, Alex McCord. The aspiring socialite / one-night-stander chatted with W Magazine recently about her recent layoff from Victoria's Secret as well as Simon's dutiful role as male doula to the births of François and Johan. It's all the Van Kempen excitement you'd expect it to be. So if your Silex itch needs to be scratched, head on over to the interview at W.

• ALEX MCCORD ON UNEMPLOYMENT, THAT PARENTING BOOK & SIMON AS A DOULA [W Magazine]

The scandals keep comin' on The Real Housewives of New York City. First Countess LuAnn announced her separation from her very age appropriate husband, Alexandre. Then Bethenny and Kelly duked it out on TV. And now comes this news: Ramona Singer has been essentially banned from her daughter's private school in Manhattan. According to the ever reliable Page Six, Ramona has been declared a "persona non grata" at Sacred Heart, leading one parent to say "All of us and the school are very embarrassed by Ramona's actions on the show. The school has asked her to take Avery off the show, but she refused. Now no one wants to be near Avery because they don't want to be associated with the show."

Ooooh... I love these scandals: petty, nasty, and tinged with just a dash of elitism. It's like Gossip Girl, but with full-fledged adults who should know better!

• NEW MESS FOR 'HOUSEWIFE' [Page Six]

Thanks to B-Side Blog reader Shara for the heads up!

Anyone who didn't catch last night's turbulent episode of The Real Housewives of New York City (photocap here) certainly missed out on a boatload of drama, the centerpiece being a WTF argument between Kelly and Bethenny. Our favorite Sicilian chef came out on top, and now she's had the last word. On Bethenny's' Bravo blog, she unloads on Kelly, calling her "Kellamity" again and writing "Kelly's 'journalistic' vocabulary consists of 2 words: foil and inappropriate. Maybe next week she'll find some new words." And that's the nice stuff.

To read more of Bethenny's dissection of last night's episode, click here.

"I'm a BITCH."

OHHHHHHHH my.

I'm afraid The Real Housewives of New York City have peaked for the season because there's no topping tonight's episode. Everyone, and I mean, everyone got into a fight (with the exception of Countess LuAnn, but her divorce was announced today; so that sort of counts — no pun intended). And these weren't just awkward inappropriate-for-the-Cancer-Society tiffs. These were out and out hurtful interactions, full of blood-boiling confrontation and pent-up accusations. In other words, it was awesome.

In season one of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Nene's gay sidekick Dwight asked "How you gonna have a fashion show with no fashions?" He was referring, of course, to the infamous SHE BY SHERAYAY launch party which featured, quite literally, no fashions. Well, there may have been clothes at the party pictured above (hosted by Lisa WU Hartwell — Drinks & Dialogue, perhaps?), but there still seems to be a lack of fashion in Atlanta. That's right, you're looking at fur pants, a trend that will most likely stay confined to this one photo.

It may be too early to say for sure, but I think Dwight just lost all his gay sidekick cred. Sort of sad, really. That puts him down there with sad sack Frankie of Orange County. What's this world coming to??

Via D-Listed

I woke up today to a flurry of emails in my inbox: the Count and Countess are breaking up! That's right, the big news out of gossip-ville is that Countess LuAnn De Lesseps from The Real Housewives of New York City is splitting with her Not Old Man husband, the Count Alexandre De Lesseps, after it was rumored that he was spotted with an Ethiopian hottie in Switzerland. Is anyone really surprised by this? The guy spends all his time away from his family, and he already has a proven track record of divorce (I believe LuAnn is wedding #4 or 5 for him).

Given that there are kids involved, it's all very sad and unfortunate, but really, I think what we care most about is what will happen to LuAnn's title? She can't just stop being the Countess, especially with the release of her book, Class with the Countess in just two weeks. Maybe the publisher will rename it Class with LuAnn. Hmmm... doesn't have that same haughty feel. This could be a major problem. Let's just hope that Alexandre didn't drop the bomb at the Cancer Society. I mean, NOT AT THE CANCER SOCIETY!!!!

Developing...

• Count Housewife Couple Out [Page Six]
• Real Housewives' Countess Separating From Husband [Us Magazine]
• LuAnn separates from her count husband [Reality Blurred]
• New York Housewives Countess LuAnn & Husband Separate [People]

What better way to kick off the weekend than with ten minutes of nothing but pure, undiluted Zarin? That's right, the local Fox affiliate here in Los Angeles interviewed Jill and Ally Zarin of The Real Housewives of New York City, and it's as Zarin-tastic as you could imagine. There's plenty of name-dropping and sentimental discussion of Bawwwbby, as well as a neat plug of Jill's site, jillzarin.com, which I mention only because Jill (or her team) has begun linking to this here very blog! That means there's a chance that Jill could be reading; so everyone say hi! Now go buy some faaaabric!

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

This clip from Tuesday's upcoming Real Housewives of New York City episode is what you'd call the epitome of a cocktease, but that being said, there's still juuuust enough awkward tension in its few seconds of confrontation between Bethenny and Kelly to be worth checking out. Gotta love Bethenny's instant dig at Kelly, and Kelly's über cold response.

Oh, it's gonnnnnnnna be a good one!!!

And did I mention that this is only one of two angry confrontations on the show? A second, juicier preview of Jill Zaaarin and Mario Singer yelling at each other after the jump...

"Bawbbbbby, I used some Zaaaarin Faaabrics and dressed up Aaaaaaalllie like a head of lettuce!"

The good people at Bravo sent me this clip of Bethenny doing her favorite Jill Zarin impersonation. It goes on too long, but it certainly has its funny moments. I particularly like when Bethenny calls out "AAAAALLLLIEE!!!!" I think that will never get old.

Although, I think it goes without saying that Kelly Killoren Bensimon would not approve.

"Bobbbby, do you see me and Aaaalllliee behind Ryyyyyan???"

Guess who was in the American Idol audience tonight? If you answered "Olivia Newton John and her strange daughter," you'd be correct. But who cares about them? I'm more interested in Real Housewives of New York City's Jill Zarin and her daughter Allie, who appeared quietly behind Ryan Seacrest midway through the show. I'm a little shocked Jill didn't raise a sign for Zaaaaaarin Faaaaabrics. Then again, I'm also a little shocked she didn't bark, "There's Ryan Seacrest. ALLIE! CAMERA!!! NOW!!!!" Nevertheless, always fun getting a little bonus Zarin time in.

Idol recap tomorrow...

"I'm writing a book! It'll be like BAM! Nene Carol Oates."

Big news in the publishing industry! Nene Leakes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta will be penning a book titled Never Make the Same Mistake Twice: Straight Talk on Love and Life From a Real Housewife. Details of the tome are murky, but I think we can all rest assured that every chapter will probably open with the word "BAM!"

Nevertheless, Nene will be collaborating with author Denene Millner ( The Sistahs’ Rules: Secrets For Meeting, Getting and Keeping a Good Black Man — mandatory reading in my household), which can only mean one thing: we may have the best Bennifer-ization of all time upon us. After all, how would you smush their names together? Denenenene? Or Nenedenene? However you say it, there's a lot of "nene" going on, and I'm all for it.

For more details, check out Access Atlanta's annoyingly titled gossip column, Peach Buzz.

(Thanks to dsc805 for the heads up)

Kelly: "You know what would be great? A fashion show with all arthritic models. It would be so cute."

It took a few weeks, but we finally got a taste of Kelly Killoren Bensimon's personality on The Real Housewives of New York City, and overall, it was kind of awful. She's not particularly mean (so far), but in tonight's episode, she came off as shallow, fake, and somewhat lacking in substance. Then again, it's not like she's come off as anything but that; however, I was thinking that maybe there might be more to her. Nope. She's pretty terrible.

First Kelly announced a bizarre hatred for trying on clothes, which was weird but not necessarily bad (although, it makes me wonder why she's so adamant about putting sweaters on her children). Then we saw her stumble her way through a borderline incoherent interview with Jill Stuart (previously seen on Top Model last week), which made me wonder if Kelly was able to string two words together, let alone two phonics. The biggest oddity, however, came when she announced to LuAnn that she absolutely hated putting her name on events. Granted, it's not an absurd hangup — after all, if you don't want your name on something, you shouldn't have to have it on there. The problem was that her justification for this didn't really make sense. She explained that she really was overextended to too many obligations and charities as it stood, but when LuAnn asked her which ones in particular, Kelly answered NONE. Oh. Okay...

Kelly's hang-ups truly came to a head at the end of the episode when she arrived late to an organizational meeting for Jill's charity and then declared that she didn't feel comfortable having her name on the fundraiser materials. Goodness — I'm shocked she let Bravo put her in the opening credits. Needless to say, her request royally pissed off Bethenny, who'd been quietly fuming all episode (not to mention all season). Apparently, Kelly had given Bethenny the royal snub two years ago, and it was most certainly NOT forgotten on our favorite Natural Foods Chef, who bitterly accused Kelly of being a social climber who only associates with those she deems as powerful or influential. So far, there's been little evidence to disprove these allegations; although, when the two women were uncomfortably seated next to each other in fashion week, I have to credit Kelly for at least trying to be pleasant to Bethenny, who was as cold and prickly as one of her Skinny Girl Margaritas. That, however, was Kelly's only positive moment. Everything after that was downhill, starting with her declaration that she had met Bethenny only twice before. This was hilarious, only because we'd just listened to Bethenny bitch and moan about how she's encountered Kelly "ninety-five times" (an exaggeration for sure, but certainly the number is higher than two).

Here's a nice little nugget about our favorite cancer almost-haver survivor. I'm talking about Kim Zolciak, the woman who puts the K in Kat, the rock in guacamole, the tight in tightrope. If that made little sense, fear not — it was jibber-jabber, which is what happens to the brain when talking about Kimmy Z. Anyway, this past weekend, Kim apparently had a big fundraiser for her very special charity, Shoes For Shattered Hearts, which sells used shoes and donates the funds towards battered women. Say what you will about Kim, but it remains a good cause.

But how good is it? Well, clearly not good enough because on the night of her big fundraiser (for HER charity, I'd like to reiterate), Kim bailed on her scheduled appearance and instead trotted down to the Bahamas for some much needed rest and relaxation (hey, it ain't easy wearing a drag queen wig all day). Sounds pretty shady. Then again, maybe this was all part of the plan. After all, I'm not sure the presence of Kim Zolciak would actually boost attendance. If anything, people probably donated more just to make sure she was far, far away. Just another adventure in the life of our favorite up and coming country crooner...

• Kim Zolciak is skipping out on a charity event - for her own charity [Access Atlanta via D-Listed]

Just when you thought the Real Housewives universe couldn't get any kookier, along comes the cast from New Jersey, which promises to be quite possibly the tackiest grouping of nouveau riche ladies yet. What makes me say that? Well, exactly which part of "New Jersey" do you not understand? I suppose now is where I pause and qualify my harsh, insensitive comments by saying there are plenty of wonderful parts of Jersey, and a whole branch of my extended family hails from there yada yada yada. But let's face it: when most people think of Dirty Jersey, they think of bawdy girls with ridiculous accents and guido guys with spiky hair going in all directions. Surely these women and their children will not disappoint. I only wonder what fruit they'll hold up in the opening credits. The Orange County women sport oranges (obviously), the New York ladies have apples (Big Apple, etc.), and the Atlanta crew thrusts peaches in our face (Georgia Peach, for the uninformed). What could the New Jersey-ites possibly hold? Meatballs? I suppose in time we'll find out.

In the meantime, let's take a look at the women, all of whom have bios up at Bravotv.com. Pics after the jump...

Compared to last week's episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, last night's show was rather tame. There were no fights, no major passive-aggressive statements, and certainly no insane bouts of hypocrisy. Still, we had plenty of fun as we watched the ladies do their thing around the city, and for once, Kelly Killoren Bensimone showed slightly more personality. We got to see her acting as a mother — which seemed strange and not quite fitting — and we also saw Top Chef loser Sam Talbot (he of the endlessly cocky disposition) whip up a healthy meal for the Bensimone household (and LuAnn, who was observing awkwardly).

In other news, we also learned that the de Lesseps household is something of a black hole for animal life as both a goldfish and a hamster passed away under the watchful eyes of Victoria and Noelle. What the home now lacks in pets it more than makes up for with regal photos — specifically the shot of what I imagine to be is some de Lesseps ancestor posing nobly with a dog. The camera didn't linger on it, but I couldn't help noticing the strange picture just hanging on the wall by the breakfast nook. Struck me as odd.

Elsewhere, Bethenny went on a date with a chef, which seemed nice, if not a bit boring. Ramona's husband continued to pester Jill about this stupid tennis game, and Jill in turn continued to pester Brad (rightfully so) about the renovations in her apartment. The good news for her was that her place was in far better shape than Alex and Simon's, which appeared to be in ruins. I'm glad Jill shared my sentiment that the project would be taking way longer than just a few weeks to complete (as Simon had expected). And speaking of Simon, I was most surprised that Alex revealed the source of their love came from a casual hookup board on the Internet. That's right, Simon and Alex were just two strangers in search of a quickie, and what did they find? LOVE. I'm sure that's a romantic tale they'll be sure to share at the next Metropolitan Opera gala.

Anyway, photocap after the jump...

The good people at W Magazine recently conducted an interview with Countess LuAnn de Lesseps from The Real Housewives of New York City, and in the piece, the beleaguered taco night detractor attempted some nimble damage control with a dash of self-promotion thrown in for good measure (insert haughty Countess laugh here, as well as a hand placed gently on your shoulder and perhaps an optional utterance of "No, no, no, my love"). Yes, Lu-Lu answered all sorts of questions, happily plugging her book, Class with the Countess, and noting that one of the primary reasons she penned it was because "it's every girl's dream to be a countess." I do hope she was being tongue-in-cheek as I tend to think the stereotype is that most girls want to be princesses, not stuck somewhere on the nobleman spectrum, just above viscount but below marquess.

Aspirations of peerage be damned, LuAnn also assures us that many of her more snobby moments on the TV show are merely the result of editing. Ain't that always the case? Of course, no interaction with The Countess would be complete without an unspoken sign of WASPy indignation (covered up, naturally with the HCL — Haughty Countess Laugh), and that moment came courtesy of a question about Kelly Killoren Bensimone's presence on the show. LuAnn's response? "[Laughs again. Loudly.] Poor thing, did you see the papers today?"

(And yes, that was a thinly veiled reference to the pugilistic allegations about Kelly that surfaced earlier this week.)

Anyway, I still like LuAnn quite a bit, despite her tendency to be a bit evil this season. To read more of the interview, check out the Editor's Blog at W Magazine.

• REAL HOUSEWIFE LUANN ON ETIQUETTE, HER "FAN BASE," AND THAT BETHENNY[W Magzine]

It took a few episodes, but finally Ramona worked her charm and caused a totally awkward — as in painfully awkward — moment on last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. Oddly enough, I'm not sure she deserves full blame for the situation. What basically happened was that while setting up for a charity event at the American Cancer Society's Hope House (I believe that's what it was called), Ramona started giving Bethenny dating advice. Her recommendation: go out with a lot of guys and have fun. This, however, ran counter to what Countess LuAnn De Lesseps believed. The Titled One believed that such activities might make a lady look cheap and wanton — or so she said in so many words. Eventually, Bethenny fell to the wayside and LuAnn and Ramona sparred on the merits of male company, which somehow led to Ramona noting that LuAnn had married a man twice her age. Factually, this was incorrect (Alexandre was 42 when he married the 27 year old LuAnn), but what was more insulting to LuAnn was when she asked Ramona if she thought Alexandre was an old man, and Ramona shrugged "yeah."

OHHHHHHH HEELLLLL TO THE NOOOO.

It appears as though another lovelorn couple has fallen off the horse at the metaphorical Hamptons Classic. Kelly Killoren Bensimone, a.k.a. THE SOCIALIZER a.k.a. the boring new cast member of The Real Housewives of New York City has been arrested for punching her ex-fiancé, Nick Stefanov, in the face in what we can only imagine was the most personality-free beating of all time. Nevertheless, we don't know much about the incident except that Stefanov allegedly complained that the injuries he sustained were worse than anything Rihanna had endured. Sounds like a dubious claim at most, but perhaps he's trying to land a spot on Oprah's upcoming domestic violence super bonanza airing this week. As for Kelly, she's denied the allegations, and for all we know, even if she had battered her man, it was probably just her attempt to give him a young-old face to match her own. So really, it was out of love.

• BEAU: I GOT A 'WIFE' BEATING [New York Post]

If you, like me, can't get enough of the dual motormouth sensation of Bethenny and Jill from Real Housewives of New York City, take a look at this interview of them on Reality Chat. They don't shed too much new information, but watching them speak a mile a minute is always hilarious. Even the normally loquacious hostesses are rendered somewhat silent next to the Frankel/Zarin alliance, and that's not easy to do.

I think discussion of last night's Real Housewives of New York City begins and ends with Ramona assaulting Governor David Patterson with her own struggles with blindness. It pretty much sums her up to a T: crazy, funny, often inappropriate, and lacking self-awareness. Moments like this are what link this iteration of the franchise to Orange County and Atlanta and at the same time completely differentiate it. After all, Ramona is just as cringe-inducing as Tamra or Kim, but unlike them, she has access to high society circles (somehow) that those other women do not. So what am I trying to say? I don't know. I thought I had a point, but I'm not sure I do.

Nevertheless, last night's episode brought more of the crazy, thanks mostly to Ramona, who when not one-upping the blind governor was lecturing the Countess about boarding school, hissing at Alex and Simon, or talking about her daughter's rheumatoid "something." (Way to stay on top of her medical condition. I suppose that's not one of the memories they share at night in bed.)

LuAnn meanwhile displayed some uncharacteristic rage at the end of the episode when her husband, Count Alexandre, missed their daughter's DISASTROUS horse show. Methinks this was a mere appetizer to what appears to be a De Lesseps meltdown next week, no doubt spurred by her housekeeper's new sassy look. Jealousy will do odd things to women. Speaking of Rosie, it was nice to see her back (even though we caught a glimpse of her two episodes ago in the background). LuAnn gave her a warm welcome before immediately cracking the whip and sending the poor woman down to the basement to deal with all those complicated things like folding up boxes for the trash.

"I'm a deranged BITCH!"

If anyone watched the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion — and I know most of you did — you surely witnessed some of the more embarrassing female behavior from women over 17 since, well, the last episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Yes, the claws were out as resident mean girls / blondies / deluded wenches Tamra and Vicki faced the wrath of Bravo viewers and their fellow housewives in one long, uncomfortable, and wonderfully entertaining hour.

We heard some updates about Lynne and her kids and Jeana's dating life and whatnot, but let's get to the heart of the matter: those two flaxen bitches sitting on their love seat of ill-repute. Tamra and Vicki were in rare form, being more awful than they normally are (and that's saying a lot). Vicki tried to don a superior, reasonable attitude as she turned her nose up at things like underage drinking (even though, as my friend Jash pointed out, Vicki brought her underage son a case of beer in college). Of course, her refined character pretty much crumbled when she took every opportunity to take swipes at Lynne, complaining to Andy and the audience that our leathery cuff enthusiast was no angel herself. This was proven slightly when Lynne dissed the blondies by likening them to rocket scientists seconds later, a moment that was both glorious and hilarious. Vicki used that as an example of Lynne's sharp tongue, but honestly, when you've just watched yourself get made fun of on TV for weeks on end, I think Lynne's entitled to some verbal bitterness here and there.

Coming off the tension-filled, passive-aggressive romp that was The Real Housewives of Orange County reunion special, I thought the latest episode of The Real Housewives of New York City would be a slight letdown. How wrong I was. It was hilarious as ever with Bethenny tearing up the screen with more one-liners than usual. Jill, meanwhile, was up to her typically Jillish antics (being an unabashed yenta), and Alex and Simon continued to make me wince with their staggeringly pale beach bods (not to mention their dramatic concern about how the Hamptons beach might forever traumatize their St. Barts-acclimated children). We had some fun times with The Countess, who after scolding an audience for talking over a charity presenter, then proceeded to completely talk over said charity presenter moments later. In the Ramona department, we caught a glimpse of her in circa-1993 exercise garb, and aside from some overly bronzed legs, she didn't appear too incredibly different. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. And then we had Kelly, who made a brief, boring cameo appearance in the show, which served no real purpose beyond perhaps reminding us that she does exist and that yes, even models are prone to intense facial sunburn.

Amidst all the usual craziness, we also witnessed a rather poignant scene between Bethenny and Jill's mother (who reminds me of about ten or fifteen women in my extended family). The family matriarch gave Bethenny some sage advice and then promised to take the lovelorn natural foods chef under her wing in an effort to be the mother Bethenny never seemed to have. It was surprisingly touching, even if it was a bit heavy conversation for BREAKFAST.

Anyway, I would go on about the episode, but I must be off to get my hair cut. Photocap after the jump...

Anyone else still recovering from the two back-to-back Real Housewives episodes last night? Bravo provided us quite the anthropological spectrum as we moved from the gaudy materialism of Orange County to the somewhat more refined but no less catty drama of the Hamptons. Watching the two back to back, some glaring difference came to the fore. First, the Real Housewives of New York City is a shockingly different beast. Whereas the OC ladies exist in their own tacky vacuum, there really is a sense with the New Yorkers that they do operate in some sort of greater social context. They attend parties, they concern themselves with etiquette, and they communicate through Cindy Adams. That's why their garish behavior is all the more entertaining: it clashes mightily with the behavior one would expect from their socioeconomic circles. And that's half the fun.

Coming into season two, all the women seemed more or less the same. Alex managed to spiff up her house a little (not to mention her notoriously stringy hair). Jill continued to cluck around like the Mother Hen that she is. LuAnn still engages in a haughty laugh (with an accompanying hand on the shoulder) to smooth over any awkward moments or off-color remarks. Bethenny still talks a mile a minute with every word being just as juicy as the next. And Ramona... well, she's still Ramona. Every time she spins onto the screen I laugh. And yes, she literally spins onto the screen. Like every other housewife in the franchise, Ramona twirls into view when we switch to her storyline, but unlike every other housewife, she seems to actually lose balance — almost as if she just spent the past forty-five minutes riding the Teacups in Disneyland. It's only appropriate, really, as "balanced" is not a word that I would often use with Ramona.

Of course, we also had our new housewife, the glamorous Kelly Killoren Bensimone — a former model and current socialite who has the bizarre appearance of looking both old and young at exactly the same time. She didn't really bring much to the table last night beyond a passing interest in piggyback rides and babbling about equestrian. When Ramona cornered her at Jill's charity event, I thought we'd surely be in for a total disaster, but nothing really happened. According to the previews, it looks like Kelly and Bethenny will be getting into it, but then again, I don't put it past Bravo to take a non-event out of context for the sake of drawing in viewers.

Overall, I enjoyed the premiere episode greatly. Normally, I'd spend some time talking about Jill and Alex's catty tiff (and then I'd spend even more time talking about the Van Kampen's strange rental property), but I sadly am lacking the energy. Instead, I'm just going to restate my favorite line of the night as Jill screamed at her audience: "FABRIC! FABRIC! FABRIC!!!" Ah, it's great to have the ladies back. Onto the photocap...

If you're anything like me, you're still recovering from the double-dose of horrendous behavior that Bravo served up with its back to back pairing of The Real Housewives of Orange County and New York City. Both hours provided a dizzying amount of hilarious antics that I fear someday will be used by cultural anthropologists to unfairly characterize our society. I'm gonna table discussion of our NYC wives for the moment in favor of our blondies out West, who all convened at a seaside party brimming with one-upsmanship and bitchiness. Yes, as is the tradition, all the women and their families got together for a season-ending bash, which I imagine was supposed to be a lighthearted affair, but nothing with these ladies is ever so simple.

First, Vicki pranced around with her new Rolex watch, which — she happily noted — she bought for herself. I didn't think there was anything inherently wrong with the purchase, but Vicki's nonstop yammering was a bit gaudy. I'm not sure anyone really cared one way or another about the stupid thing, especially Lauri, who probably has a shower curtain made of Rolex watches. Meanwhile, Tamra's husband dragged her off to a private cabana to present her with a pricey bracelet for no real reason other than to perhaps prove to America that he can afford such a bauble. As you can imagine, shrill peels of delight ensued. Yes, gift-giving was all wonderful when diamonds and Rolexes were involved, but then when Gretchen pulled all the girls together and handed them Coach change purses, Vicki and Tamra privately scoffed at the gesture, going so far as to call it insincere. Hey ladies, it's a GIFT. The proper response is THANK YOU.

I gotta say, The Real Housewives of Orange County was a bit dullsville last night. I have barely anything to say. Wait, wait... nope, I have nothing to say. It was just... bland. The producers have a great cast and all, but when none of them interact for an entire episode, it can be a bit boring. And what was the deal with that cliffhanger? Bravo actually put up a message that said "To Be Continued..." as Jeana opened the door to meet her date. Were we really supposed to care? Were we supposed to be just chomping at the bit to find out who it could be? This was just silliness; the very definition of manufactured drama. No one cares about Jeana's love life. We only care about when all the women get together and act like heinous wenches. C'mon now, Bravo. You know better than that. The only things notable about this episode were a) Jeana's rage in the car (where was that anger when her sons were being supreme douches to her?), and b) the producers' unwavering commitment to blasting a foghorn every time Vicki made a point on her dumb cruise. Huh. Maybe this wasn't as bad of an episode after all...

"To Lynne and her air conditioning!"

I gotta admit that this latest Vegas episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was a bit disappointing. We've had so many jaw-dropping, tense, and cringe-worthy installments that this one felt tame in comparison. First of all, the entire pre-Vegas portion of the show was a bit dull. I think the producers were going for some sort of thematic structure about parenting as we saw each house wife interact with either their parents or their children in some significant way: Jeana visited her fam in Wisconsin, Lynne chatted with her amusingly aghast mother, Vicki went shopping with her daughter, Tamra got drinks with her mom (and managed to yet again find some way to incorporate the fact that she was the hottest housewife into the conversation), and Gretchen observed as Jeff enjoyed time with his kids. There were some highlights here and there (such as when Brianna announced that she loved her job, but, you know, sometimes she gets into her car and CRIES afterwards), but overall, the first half of the show as dullsville.

Things spiced up for the second half when the producers wisely sent all the women off on a Vegas adventure, which kicked off unsurprisingly with Jeana bitching and moaning as she rolled out of the limo. Soon, Gretchen and Tamra were in their usual pissing contest over who was hotter (Gretchen had a leg up this go-around with her official "Hottie Whistle"), but the real excitement came courtesy of Lynne, who continues to be the unlikely hero of this season. She should be so awful, what with her terrible parenting and obsession with physical appearance, but I'm growing to love the way she absorbs all the passive-aggressive insults hurled at her (ahem, JEANA). One of these days she's gonna snap and just go off on all these women, and it will be fantastic.

That being said, her inability to know whether or not she had air conditioning in her house was somewhat hilarious and baffling all at once. Methinks some rasta cabana boy must have slipped her a dime bag because bitch looked like she was ready to toast up some Ego waffles, turn on Matisyahu, and watch Planet Earth for the rest of the night. In stark contrast was Vicki, who was as hyper and insane as usual. When Gretchen announced that her favorite drink was a dirty martini with bleu cheese stuffed olives, you'd have thought she'd just sailed away in Vicki's yacht. Vicki was appalled. That's HER favorite drink! How could anyone else like Vicki's signature drink? Fairly easily, if you ask me, but in a display that was straight out of kindergarten, Vicki complained that Gretchy was being a copycat. The horrors! I'm shocked Vicki hasn't already written an angry letter to Julie Andrews: "Dear Ms. Von Trapp: It is widely known that raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are a few of MY favorite things; so please stop singing about them. I don't appreciate copycats, and if you do not cease, I'll have no other option but to take the matter up with my legal team. Sincerely, Victoria Gunvalson. p.s. this also applies to cream colored ponies, crisp apple streudel, doorbells, sleighbells, AND schnitzel with noodles."

Anyway, onto the photocap...

Was The Real Housewives of Orange County ever this jaw-dropping? Once again, an episode has left me floored by the lack of manners and courtesy on display — but here's the shocker: it wasn't Vicki or Tamra exhibiting the offensive behavior. This time around, it was none other than Jeana's kids Shane and to a lesser degree Colton who proved to be absolutely despicable. The boys — particularly Shane — ferociously demeaned their mother, frequently using the f-word and other disrespectful language. The poor woman has become a human punching bag, and it's true that these kids don't know any better, thanks to their dad, but that doesn't mean Jeana should just sit there and take it. I think anyone who watched the show last night wanted to reach through the screen and slap the douches upside the head. Vicki looked like she was about to flip the table while Kim seemed more quietly shocked, probably fearing her young son would misinterpret any of this as acceptable behavior.

I do wonder if when Shane watched this episode if he felt any sense of shame or regret. I imagine no. He has the maturity level of the silicon in Tamra's chest. I can't even imagine what sort of a doormat Shane's girlfriend is. And yes, I should mention that Shane's girlfriend is named SHANA. Really? Really? Poor Colton, meanwhile, is still young and impressionable, and it's clear that he looks up to his big bro. It's also clear that he follows his lead, which is probably why he was pissier than usual this episode. Of course, the saddest part of all is that both these kids are gonna start their own families at some point and the cycle will continue.

And speaking of troubled kids, let's look at Lynn's spawn, affectionately known as #1 and #2. The younger daughter, Alexa, seems to be okay, but that older one, Raquel, is a real piece of work. Sure, teens drink, but she was pulling some brazen moves. I enjoyed how Lynne acted so defenseless, continually saying how hard it is to keep kids out of trouble. How about you start by saying "NO." Or maybe "You're not allowed to go to Las Vegas for the weekend with your boyfriend at 15." Just thinking out loud...

Anyway, onto the photocap...

Last week, the Internets were aflutter that Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild and Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta were an item after the two were spotted at Sundance. This seemed like the most unlikely of pairings; so I asked Joe Francis myself if this was true.

His response: "I am not dating Kim Z - I took one picture with her on a press line - I did not even know who she was."

So there you have it. Joe & Kim are not together. Another mystery solved!

Amidst all the hoopla surrounding the inauguration and all of Washington's big balls, it's hard to believe that there were other housewives on TV besides Michelle Obama. But yes, there were. The First Ladies of Orange County continued their epic quest to be the craziest shrews on TV, and so far, they're doing a heck of a job. To be fair, last night's episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County wasn't nearly as explosive as the past few weeks, but really, how can you top the one-two punch of the racetrack fiasco coupled with Gretchen's tequila-fueled odyssey.

This latest installment seemed to focus more on Jeana and her utterly depressing state of transition in life. Granted, jaded and Jeana are two concepts that pretty much go hand in hand, but last night, she seemed a bit more sad than usual. And that made me sad. Kind of. Luckily there were still plenty of silly moments to make the show fun. There was Tamra's HOT pool party, Vicki's tumble down the stairs (AWESOME), and of course Lynne's dynamic wristband company, Cuff Love (get it?), which received a bit too much airtime, if you ask me. I mean, really. How much time do we need to spend watching this woman paw at leather? And I'm not talking about her face.

BOOYAH!

Aw, I feel bad now. I like Lynne a lot. She's rapidly becoming one of my favorites, which I'm still shocked at. Like I said last week, she's totally crazy, and her views on body image and health seem a bit, uh, skewed. But aside from that, she's not necessarily the idiot that we may have written her off as upon first viewing her heaving — and rather stiff and spherical — bosom. I loved the way she bristled at Vicki's passive-aggressive comments, and in the climactic scene, as the women weighed in with their unsolicited opinions on Gretchen's beneficiary situation regarding Jeff's life insurance, Lynne seemed to be the only one horrified that everyone would be so nosy. I didn't necessarily disagree with Vicki's points, but I felt she was badgering Gretchen a bit, and she took entirely too much offense to Lynne merely stating her opinion (especially after Vicki had been fairly rude to Lynne the whole day). On the plus side, it was nice to see that Gretchen seemed just fine not receiving a dime. Hey, she's not a gold digger after all!

Well, I have finally sacrificed ten Facebook friends in pursuit of a free Angry Whopper from Burger King. You've all seen who I've cut. Now it's time to reveal the final piece of the puzzle.

Who could be more deserving of a sacrifice than Sherayay? The answer after the jump...

For its first two seasons, I never watched Real Housewives of Orange County because it always felt a little dull to me. Not so anymore. This season has featured one trainwreck episode after another, and I think we can agree that the producers finally got the casting mix just right. Gretchen has brought out evil claws from resident shallow idiot bitch Tamra, not to mention the aging queen bee Vicki. Lynne, on the other hand, is somewhat horrifying as a parent (her lecture about underage drinking seemed to emphasize the fattiness of white Russians over anything else) but increasingly likable as the "laid-back" (as the girls like to call her) presence of the group. Her wry sense of humor — a.k.a. debating whether or not Tamra even knew she was there when she called all the girls "family" — has been growing on me each week, which either says a lot about Lynne or a lot about how awful the other women can be. Probably the latter.

And speaking of awful, let's talk about Tamra. She was the tacky beacon of nouveau riche idiocy last season, but now she's ascended to glorious new heights as this year's sun-damaged hyena who will do anything to maintain her self-proclaimed HOT throne (which, whether she realizes it or not, she's already lost to a new generation of women, namely Gretchen). Her actions have become downright deplorable, but then again, without them we wouldn't have as entertaining a show. I don't think the irony was lost on anyone that a dinner party meant to showcase Gretchen's new etiquette skills turned into a cacophonous mess as she and Vicki schemed to load Gretchen up with enough tequila to make her "Naked wasted." I'm not sure Ms. Manners would have approved. In fact, the only "etiquette" Tamra was able to display was some banal anecdote about European women and forks from the mid-nineteenth century. Something tells me she's still happily clucking away about it at social gatherings.

But as for that tequila... first, props to Gretchen for being able to down so much booze without booting up all over Brian Malarkey's eight course SEAFOOD meal (he just can't do anything else, can he?). Of course, Gretch had an assist from Mama Jeana, who when she wasn't flaring her eyes in shock was secretly removing the shot glasses from under Gretchen's nose. Still, Tamra's plan to get Gretchen wasted worked like a charm. In fact, it worked too well. Over the course of the evening, Gretchen attracted the attention of Tamra's spawn Ryan, the car-mechanic-cum-aspiring-police-officer-cum-bartender-cum-sexual-predator. As he blatantly put the moves on the clearly soused Gretchen, Tamra seemed to laugh it off rather than standing up like a mother (or an adult) and telling her son to scram. Vicki, meanwhile, sat in the corner all fussy and disapproving of Gretchen's behavior, perhaps forgetting that she was complicit in this plan to turn the blonde into a drunken fool. In interviews, she complained that Gretchen always had to be the center of attention (says the woman who belts "Whooohooo!!!" every time she sees a dandelion seed float by), but of course, what Vicki seemed incapable of realizing was that the drunker Gretchen became, the more of a spectacle she turned into. Seems counterintuitive. Then again, I guess the point was to teach the young one a lesson: if you try too hard to be the center of attention, you get burned. Or at least stuck in a bathroom with Ryan, who when the words "To Be Continued..." flashed on the screen was only a few nanoseconds away from some good old fashioned date rape. Maybe Tamra didn't think about that when she started the party.

Sacrifice #9: It's none other than Sherayay from The Real Housewives of Atlanta! And who better to go down in flames than the genius behind She By Sherayay? Well, actually, I can think of one more deserving person, but that won't be revealed until tomorrow. I suppose I could tell you today, but that would be like throwing a fashion show with no fashions. And how the hell are you supposed to do that?

In the meantime, let's hope that Sherayay doesn't take this fiery dismissal too harshly. At least she'll still have that big ol' house to live in. OH WAIT.

So who else finished last night's episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County with a whole new set of wrinkles due to sixty straight minutes of cringing? Man, I thought last week was bad with the dinner from hell ("CUT!"), but this latest trip to the Del Mar race track brought awkwardness to awful new heights. Vicki and Tamra were absolutely horrendous — to the point where they actually made me like Lynne. I mean, I never really had a problem with Lynne — except that she tries to hard to be the "cool mom" (and is kind of amazingly tacky. And has awful fake boobs. But it's Orange County. That's just the way it is). Nevertheless, I actually liked Lynne a lot this episode because she was absolutely justified in her reactions to the "Mean Girls" — a.k.a. Tamra and Vicki. Those two women have to get over it. Vicki is just a nutcase; so in a way, I brush it off. Tamra, however, still seems locked in a major high school mentality. Her attempts to downplay her jealousy of Gretchen by calling the younger blonde a copycat were laughable — almost as laughable as her claim to Laurie that she's only catty when she's with the other housewives. This, of course, was followed by several catty comments about Jeana, Gretchen, and Vicki.

Nevertheless, watching Vicki and Tamra separate themselves from the group (and then wind up stewing in anger as the rest of the party had more fun) was fairly priceless. I liked their euphemistic description of Lynne as "low-key," as if that were somehow a bad thing. Of course, we all know that when they say "low-key," they really mean "outsider, not us, brunette, annoying, stupid, too loud, too quiet, alcoholic, drug-addicted BITCH." Anyway, Lynne fended off the haters pretty well, as did Gretchen, who managed to pull off the greatest passive-aggressive gesture of the episode: hoarding all the pink hats and then not wearing them. Oh, that pissed off Tamra. I have to admit, when Gretchen first stepped out of the limo at Del Mar in a beige hat, even I did a double take — we watched ten minutes of seemingly never-ending hot pink hat drama only to have it result in THIS? But then I saw the genius of it all, and watching Tamra in her fourth-choice hat gnash her teeth in rage was worth it all.

Man oh man. There was so much in this episode. I haven't even scratched the surface. I may have to watch it again. In the meantime, here's the photocap...

(Unfortunately, Bravo did not post many photos this week, and the ones they did post kind of sucked. Oh well. Send an angry email to Andy Cohen)

2008 was a curious year for television, what with the writers strike and all. Seasons got messed up, late night shows went without comedy, and CBS aired a bonus edition of Big Brother — which sadly was universally loathed by pretty much everyone but me. That's okay though. I don't mind being a maverick when it comes to reality TV (hence my devotion to Greatest American Dog — one of the most underrated gems of the year).

Strike be damned, there was still plenty of great stuff to watch. My list of the best shows after the jump...

With last week's exit of Lauri on The Real Housewives of Orange County, we knew there'd be a new lady in the wings to take her place. Enter Lynne, a surgically enhanced hybrid of Linda Hamilton, Robin Miller, and Kathy Baker. Her main selling point is that she likes to look young and be the cool mom — two qualities that pretty much define most OC housewives — and while she has yet to intermingle with the show's grand dames of Jeana and Vicki, I'm sure their eventual meeting will be full of hostile reactions and rolled eyes (especially when they see Lynne's not so wonderful boob job).

Meanwhile, on the Gretchen front, things seemed to be taking a turn for the worst as she was relegated to feeding Jeff via IV. Poor guy. Poor girl. Juxtaposing her sad situation with the so-trivial-it-hurts dilemma of Vicki and the yacht felt a bit cruel. But I guess there's no good way to wedge cancer into a show that celebrates materialism and tackiness. On the plus side, we got to see more of Jeana's daughter/Coulter-in-training as she fired a gun for the first time at the shooting range. Yay youth of America!

Anyway, on to the photocap...

Take one part Edward Albee, one part nouveau riche excess, and two parts squealing poultry at the abattoir, and that pretty much sums up last night's episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, which followed the loud duo of Vicki and Tamra as they took their husbands up to Napa Valley for some old fashioned wine tasting. Yes, it promised to be a delightful romp for all involved, but instead what unfolded was a terribly awkward weekend that saw the Gunvalsons taking passive aggressive swipes at each other until finally Vicki broke down in napkin-sheathed tears at a restaurant. It was somewhat painful to watch, and yet, totally hilarious. I don't mean to cackle at other people's marital woes, but when the term "love tank" gets thrown around so casually, it's hard not to.

Meanwhile, in other Housewives news, Lauri decided to leave the show (unsurprisingly) to take care of her family (and all her MONEY). I'm not sure how being off camera can improve things for her son, who's in jail getting beaten up, but hey, a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. At least we don't have to see any more of George's spoiled brat daughter moping around (nor do we have to watch endless scenes of Lauri watching, riding, cleaning, or smiling at horses).

As for the rest of the housewives, nothing much else happened. Jeana did a few shaky pushups in the garage, hopefully to burn off that pizza pie appetizer she purportedly enjoyed earlier that week. Her self-professed conservative daughter, meanwhile, complained about life up at Berkeley, saying that everyone there was simply trapped in the '60s (unlike her mom, who was merely trapped in the '80s — at least according to her designer). Turns out though that wee Ann Coulter-Keough had been spending every weekend down at UCLA with her boyfriend; so really, she had no one to fault for her social life but herself. SO THERE.

Lastly, we had Gretchen, who spent all of the episode meandering around the Indy 500 with her sadly frail fiancé. Look, it's nice to see them together in the last months of his life, but c'mon now. This is the Real Housewives of Orange County, not INDIANA. If you want to look at cars, get thee to the Tustin Auto Mall!

Anyway, here's the photocap. Bravo only posted pics of the wine tasting; so my options were limited this week.

It's safe to say that Nene continues to be the favorite cast member of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. You can count me as one of her fans. Lately, she's been embroiled in a bit of a housing mess, and today, she wrote this on Andy Cohen's blog:

"The recent rumors alleging that my family faced an eviction are a huge misunderstanding and grossly inaccurate. I am truly blessed to enjoy a wonderful life and lifestyle. We have indeed moved to another home, but we did so on our own free will. We live in an absolutely beautiful home and we are fortunate to be able to live in the place of our choice. Unfortunately, there are many families who are facing real foreclosures and real evictions. That is not and never was the case with us. I know where we live and how we live, and for those blessings I am humbly thankful. It is disappointing that many members of the media have chosen to report gossip instead of news. Without wasting time on the details, the only thing I will say is that we were NOT evicted. Everybody knows that I like to be honest, real and upfront. If something was wrong, I would tell you! Thank you for your well wishes. However, please know that my family continues to be abundantly blessed, and that Miss NeNe has not skipped a beat!"

Sounds simple and direct enough. But our crack legal team down in Atlanta discovered something else out...

Things have been a little slow on the site recently due to my East Coast traveling, but fear not. I have returned to my home base! That being said, it's time to catch up again with the Original Wives (O.W.'s). You know who I'm talking about: The Real Housewives of Orange County. Gone are boring old Tammy and resident cougar/creationist/plunging neckline enthusiast Quinn. In their place is Gretchen, the hot young newbie who just so happens to be engaged to a very, very wealthy man (who's struggling with cancer, sadly). I kind of thought Gretchen might be intolerable, but I've actually found her not so bad. In fact, she seems to have something of a head on her shoulders. Heck, anyone deserves credit for persevering through the "initiation" of Tuesday's episode as all the women relentlessly harped on Gretchen's various shortcomings and questionable relationship motives.

Aside from Gretchen, we had all the usual characters. There's Jeana, who's still amusingly cynical and bitter about everything in life. There's Vicki, who's still absolutely neurotic and insane nonstop. There's Tamra, who's still carrying the torch for all the gaudy Hot Moms in America. And then there's Lauri, who's just so darn happy now that she's found everything she's wanted in life. Translation: MONEY.

Good times had by all...

It's Thanksgiving time! And what am I thankful for? Oh, just the sublime hour of confrontation and self-delusion that the Real Housewives of Atlanta provided for us during last night's gleeful reunion special. The fights were intense and exciting, trumped only by the juicy details behind such curiosities as Kim's hair. Turns out it really is a wig, but not from cancer. No, Kim suffers from fake-cancer, but that doesn't make her any less of a victim! Bitch had to wait three agonizing weeks before that fateful day at Chili's when she found out she was off the hook. Do you know how hard that is for someone? I'm sure she could barely even enjoy those baby back ribs. Thank God no one told her they were grilled over a dozen little fiery charcoal rocks! It would have been the worst day ever. Props to Andy Cohen (you heard me right), who after confirming with Kim that she did NOT have cancer, asked if she was still smoking. Ya darn tootin' she was! Good to see a cancer scare got her to change her ways.

Of course, the big story from the reunion was Lisa Wu Hartwell's hostile attack on poor Kimmy. She accused the future Nashville star of being a habitual liar, and we never really found out why. Rumors on the Internets suggest that it was Kim who spread word that Lisa was a crazy wife to Keith Sweat, but who knows. I was just glad to see her drop the sweet act and get down and dirty with the rest of the girls. That leaves only DeShawn left to make a total fool of herself. Probably won't be happening as she's back in school (ie. getting a Masters in Divinity online). Nothing against people who get their degrees online, but I'm not sure I'd want a spiritual leader to have been ordained through Google. To each his own, though.

Onto the photocap...

The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion is less than twenty-four hours away, and I can't wait. The special promises to feature plenty of fantastic clashes, and in order to whet your appetite, I'm posting a brief clip from tonight's show. Buckle your seat belts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride...

Via Reality Blurred

The Real Housewives of Atlanta came to an awkward, confrontation-infused end last night, and while there weren't too many explosive moments, I think Lisa's well-intentioned but supremely uncomfortable dinner at the end truly made for some cringe-worthy television. Kim, looking more like a drag-queen-cum-blowup-doll with her bright lipstick smeared around her pie-hole, could barely defend herself against Nene, who admitted wrongdoing but also was incredibly upfront about her actions. Sher-ayay (Sheree-ay? I still don't know how to pronounce her name based on its ridiculous spelling) just sat back and barely offered a conciliatory comment. That's okay. She doesn't need to surround herself with the plebeians. She's soon to be fashion's next big name — assuming she ever gets around to picking out fabrics for her designs and actually paying attention to their creation. I enjoyed Project Runway alum Michael Knight giving her a good talking-to, even though he clearly sugar-coated it in an effort to be friendly. What was even better was Sher-ayay later praising him, saying his insight was invaluable. Of course, all he did was tell her to be hands-on, pick out fabrics, and keep an eye on her seamstresses — common sense, really — but I guess when you're Sheree-ay, common sense isn't so, well, common.

Nevertheless, I can talk about last night's episode 'til the cows come home, but I'm sure what everyone really cares about is next week's reunion. I am quite, quite excited for it — especially the much hyped Lisa-Kim showdown. Counting down the days...

In the meantime, onto the photocap!

What a wonderful bit of news to wake up to this morning. There's a fight brewing off camera on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and guess what? It doesn't involve Nene and Shereé. No, the two ladies involved in this explosive situation are Kim (not so surprising) and... wait for it... LISA WU HARTWELL. That's right, the most level-headed cast member of them all seems to have gotten into a nasty war of words with Kimmay over something that has yet to surface. Some sites mention that the blowup happened at the tense reunion special (set to air November 25th). In a TMZ video, however, Kim suggests that the friction began even earlier than that. After happily mentioning that she and Sher-ayay were just "doing a movie" (a.k.a. appearing as extras) with Demi Moore and David Duchovny, the buxom blond (who admittedly looks closer to thirty than forty-five in the clip) reveals to us a hostile voicemail left on her phone by Lisa, and while it's certainly angry in tone, I'm not sure it warrants the presence of the lawyer who then appears at Kim's side. True, Lisa does say that if Kim doesn't call her back, she's gonna show up at her door, but I'm not sure the intent is to harm Kim as much as it is to perhaps extend an invitation to the next Drinks & Dialogue event; maybe show off some of that homemade joory!

For her part, Lisa admitted to Essence.com that she did most certainly lose her cool, but for good reason:

Last week amidst my move, I was unable to do a photocap for The Real Housewives of Atlanta, which was a shame since it was by far the most entertaining episode of the season. We finally got to see Kim sing, and it was terrible (as expected). We also learned that she has no idea what guacamole is, nor does she have any concept of a mortar and pestle. Needless to say, her juvenile revulsion directed at the "green stuff" in the "rock" was nothing short of hilarious. Of course, it was all trumped by the fantastic shot of her sitting in her convertible with a cigarette dangling from one hand outside the car and a glass of wine carefully perched in the other. I imagine these are the sort of women Absolutely Fabulous parodied in its heyday (except Kim woefully lacks that whole "fabulous" part).

This week's episode, meanwhile, was not quite as entertaining, but pretty damn close. Watching Sher-ayay's (or is it Sheree-ay?) fashion show ("without the fashions" as Nene's gay friend noted) was somewhat amazing. The name alone was ridiculous enough. The line wasn't merely called "She." No, it was "She BY SHEREÉ." Sadly for her, things did not go smoothly for the SBS launch. Sherayay received samples that she claimed were tacky; although, the jury (as in the courtroom kind, not the diamonds and gold kind) is still out on whether the original designs were anything worth noting in the first place. The tongue lashing she gave the seamstress was glorious (in an awful sort of way), and I must admit I was rather dumbfounded by the depths of Sher-ayay's vindictiveness when she invited her ex-husband to her show, stood and posed with him warmly, and then announced to us that she just wanted to rub her success in his face. She by Shereé? More like BITCH by Shereé. Of course, Sherayay then boasted about being able to succeed without the presence of Bob in her life, which was kind of funny seeing how the viewing party was something of a failure (judging by the lack of anything to VIEW). I mean, if these people wanted to look at pictures of designs instead of the designs themselves, they could have just asked for a jpeg.

As for the other housewives, not much happened with them. DeShawn tried to play peacemaker between the warring factions of Nene vs. Kim-rayay, but that pretty much failed when the latter two ladies opted to skip the much hyped sunset barbecue at the Snow residence. Lisa, meanwhile, learned that her husband would be jetting off to Oakland to play for the Raiders. She wasn't particularly happy about this (c'mon, Lisa. Support Ed. HE'S THE BEST), but she didn't have much to fear. Spoiler alert: poor Ed didn't make it beyond training camp. (And in other Wu Hartwell gossip, turns out Lisa was formerly married to Keith Sweat, with whom she had two boys. Dunh dunh DUNH!).

Oh, and then there was Nene. She pretty much puttered around this episode, raising some money for her charity, Twisted Hearts (sounds like an '80s ballad), and talking smack about Kim and Sherayay. Things intensified for her quickly, however, when a sassy DNA testing experience resulted in the news that (get ready for it) Curtis was not her father. BOOM. I really thought he would be. Luckily, Nene had her whole family to rally around her, which was a very sweet moment, but she still seemed quite devastated. Hopefully we'll see the repercussions of this news next week. Until then, onto the supersized photocap!

I should be working on my Hills recap, but seeing that Monday's show was a bit of a drag, I find myself more drawn to making fun of last night's Real Housewives of Atlanta instead. Poor, poor Deshawn made a fool of herself on a national stage (just like she wanted!) when she organized one of the sloppiest and ill-conceived auctions in TV history. Even those poor saps on The Apprentice can figure out how to raise money (well, maybe not Steven Baldwin, but I digress). Here's a hint, Deshawn: if you want to raise serious dough, charge for admission. And only invite Bill Gates.

In other news, a rift seems to be growing between Nene and faux-cougar Kim now that the latter party has become besties with fellow drag queen Sheree-ay, er, Sheray-ay, er, Shereé. It's all a bit Laguna Beach season 1 (remember Christina not inviting Lo and LC to her party? tsk tsk), but nevertheless, it's always funny to see petty women go at it. I'll always be firmly in camp Nene though, especially because next week she appears to make fun of Kim's age (which apparently really is 29 under all those crusty layers of blush).

Anyway, onto the photocap!

I didn't do a photocap of last week's Real Housewives of Atlanta because the pics on Bravo's site were kind of bad, but this time around, we have more material to work with. Plus, in its third episode, the ladies are starting to develop more as characters. We've got Nene, who's just all around hilarious and entertaining. Then there's Deshawn, who spends pretty much every episode complaining about how she simply does NOT have time for anything (hence her enormous staff). There's Lisa, who comes off as the brightest of the bunch, at least business-wise (and let's not overlook her husband Ed, who kind of seems like the best ever). And then there's Shereé (pronounced Sheray, not Sheree-ay or Sher-ay-ay as her strange accent aigu placement might suggest). Shereé likes to think she's the smartest of the gang, but really she just comes off seeming cold and mannish. Am I forgetting anyone? Oh yes. KIM. She should be awful, but she's oddly likable. The only problem: she somehow maintains that she's TWENTY-NINE.

Whhhaaaaaa????

Even better, she boasts that she looks pretty damn good for twenty-nine, which is patently false. Even if she were that age (which she simply cannot be), she looks terrible. I mean, she looks ten years older. Big Poppa better hire some stylists to come down to Atlanta and fix her up.

Speaking of stylists, I can't help noticing that all these women spend an inordinate amount of time with their stylists, more so than the other housewives of New York and Orange County. I'm always wary of people whose best friends are their handlers. There's something hollow about it (mostly in that these people are hired to hang onto them), and watching women do nothing but gab with their makeup artists or personal shoppers feels... sad. I'm looking at you, Sher-AY-AY.

Nevertheless, last night's episode was fairly entertaining. Kim tried to launch a singing career, which seems instantly destined to fail (first clue — she never sings). Deshawn spearheaded a quest to raise a million dollars (um, no) for her foundation, which has the vague mission of improving self-esteem in girls — again, good luck with that fundraising. Nene learned that her dad might not be her dad (not that he really seemed to care). Lisa did nothing in particular beyond trading some barbs with her hubby. And Shereé continued to make bold proclamations about herself in her pseudo Claire Huxtable voice. Good times all around.

Bravo kicked off its third iteration of the Real Housewives franchise with the premiere of The Real Housewives of Atlanta last night, and it did not disappoint. Despite a frenetic first half which betrayed the show's signature laid-back tone and pace, the episode eventually settled into its groove and provided a wonderful showdown between breakout star Nene and her rival, Shereé. The flagrant foul: Nene's name wasn't on Shereé's birthday party list. Sure enough, Nene threw a fit worthy of fellow housewife Ramona from New York City, but whereas Ramona would have appeared psycho, Nene came off as awesome. At least for now.

Photocap after the jump.

It's official: The Real Housewives of New York City has to be one of the best reality shows of the year. Even last night's glorious, welcomed, and hodgepodge clip show with no narrative structure proved more fascinating and enthralling than most anything else for the past two months (or at least since Housewives wrapped up its first season). Then again, I think I wouldn't be alone in saying that I could watch unedited dailies of these women and still be thoroughly amused.

There were so many wonderfully awkward moments in last night's show: the continued awfulness of Ramona, who remains shamelessly gauche in her lack of self-awareness; the tacky yet oddly lovable material desires of Jill Zarin, who still knows how to lay the smackdown on her rivals; the confused outlook of Countess LuAnn's son, who regrettably thinks the Statue of Liberty stands for friendship, not, you know, liberty; the further adventures of François McCord, whose reign of terror extended to an unassuming art class with an exasperated teacher; and of course the ever tragic state of Bethenny's biological clock, whose loud ticking can only be drowned out by a hefty glass of white wine.

Yes, it was all amazing and jaw-dropping, but sadly, Bravo hasn't posted any pics from the episode. Dammit. Well, what better time to go back and post the long overdue reunion photocap? Pics after the jump...

Is it me, or does Prince Caspian look like his proper title might actually be Countess? And maybe instead of Caspian, his name might be, oh, I don't know, LUANN? I can't help but feel that when this high-cheekboned, cleft-chinned hero isn't slaying dragons and other mythical foes, he's spending his free time playing tennis with Jill and praying he doesn't do anything to upset THE COUNT. At the very least, we know he's certainly not having dinner with his son Noel (as if he would ever DEIGN to participate in Taco Night).

I wish I had a better picture of LuAnn to compare with, but for those who are familiar with her face, don't tell me you don't see her all over Prince Caspian (a.k.a. Ben Barnes). Am I plumb loco?

What a glorious day.  Earlier this afternoon, I stepped out of my friend's apartment, walked around the corner, and bam!  I came face to face with a landmark fresh out of The Real Housewives of New York City.  I'm talking about Zarin Fabrics and Home Furnishings, the fabric empire run by Bobby Zarin — a.k.a. the bearded husband of fan favorite Jill Zarin.  As I was late to meet people for lunch, I didn't get a chance to poke my head inside, but I did whip out my camera phone and take two pics, one of which is above.  The entire experience made me unreasonably excited, and when I did eventually arrive at lunch, the first thing I told my friends was not "Hello" or "How are you?" but instead "I JUST SAW BOBBY ZARIN'S STORE!"  Yes, it was a great way to kick off the lunching hour.  And to think, we get a catty Housewives reunion tonight too.  Perfect.

If you're like me, you're already missing The Real Housewives of New York City the way Amy Winehouse misses crack (allegedly). This week's season finale was yet another fine installment in this tremendous guilty pleasure, which again leads me to wonder why Bravo only produced a paltry six episodes. They were probably afraid the show wouldn't catch on. Well, fear not, people. The show most certainly did catch on, and I just read somewhere that it's been renewed for a second season (along with another spin-off, The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Eh). We may have to wait a few months before the next batch of haughty adventures, but in the meantime we have what looks to be a juicy reunion show on Tuesday. Until then, enjoy this photocap of the season finale...

"Here's to the most awkward dinner party of all time!"

Anyone who missed tonight's episode of The Real Housewives of New York City should run, not walk, to their DVR and watch it. I guarantee it will be one of the best hours of 2008. This is what we watch reality television for: unpredictable, awkward, crazy, and jaw-dropping moments. Whether it was Alex and Simon's pretension at the opera or LuAnn's haughty behavior in the limo or Jill's meltdown over seating arrangements or Bethenny's reaction to bad floors, it was 100% brilliant. But of course, as amazing and funny as most of the episode was, it all paled next to the show's centerpiece: a dinner party so completely bizarre and awful that we could only thank the reality gods for providing it to us. Yes, it was girls' night with the housewives, but when Simon crashed the party, Ramona went completely nuts. That alone would have been enough, but oh no. The following treatise on class and etiquette, as seen through the eyes of Ramona, was an instant classic. I'm telling you, this was such a good episode that I'm literally giddy right now. Absolute perfection.

Oh yeah. Here's a photocap...

This week, The Real Housewives of New York City went from a guilty pleasure to a gross-out bonanza thanks to the intrepid work of one dog's tongue and one woman's nostril. Yes, the closeup of Jill's dog licking her nose clean was an instant classic — one of the most searing images to ever emerge from reality TV, let alone television as a whole. Not even There's Something About Mary dared show the sort of dog-on-nasal-cavity action that Bravo aired tonight, but here's the most shocking part: it wasn't even the grossest part of the entire episode. No, that special honor goes to Simon and Alex, who managed to instantly turn my stomach with their egregious open-mouthed kissing. AND THEY DID IT ON A YACHT. I swear, a few hundred fish probably went belly up at that precise moment (and I wouldn't have been surprised if Lady Liberty briefly gouged her eyes out with her torch). Hmmm... I'm sensing a theme: tongues + housewives = disgusting. And yet, amazing.

Anyway, as per some people's request, I've decided to give a stab at photocapping the latest episode, much as I do to Big Brother. Pictures from Bravo after the jump...

Regrettably, I haven't had time to chime in lately on The Real Housewives of New York City, but here's what's important to know: it's fairly awesome. These women are masters of passive-aggressiveness, and never is that more apparent than in this clip, which never made it to air on Bravo. Here, we find Jill and Countess LuAnn dropping by a party in the Hamptons just prior to their big tennis match with Ramona. There are plenty of amusing moments in this scene, but none more so than when LuAnn dismisses Ramona with the one perfectly condescending word: "harmless." Classic stuff.

Countess LuAnn and Jill Zarin are quickly becoming one of my favorite duos on TV.

In case you haven't been watching, Bravo's new series, The Real Housewives of New York City is fast becoming one of my new Spring favorites. It features a wide variety of nouveau riche excess, but unlike its sibling, The Real Housewives of Orange County, everything plays out against the backdrop of old money. These aren't just a bunch of bleached blond women running around the isolated world of Coto de Caza. No, these women revel in tacky, déclassé behavior right under the noses of their WASPy neighbors, and what's even sadder is that they think they actually fit in. Truthfully though, there's only one member of the cast who's a blue blood through and through. The rest are merely pale, but comical imitations.

After the jump, a guide to the housewives and where they rank on the socialite ladder.