Recently in The Hills Category

I just heard Heidi's new song/caterwaul, "Fashion," and I'm not going to lie: it's vapid, atonal, and totally awful. And yet, it's so crazy catchy that I've been whistling it for the past five minutes (and I've only heard it once). If you can just get past all the vocoder effects and the French lyrics (!) and the so-cheesy-it-hurts "HEIDI!" line at the beginning, you'll find that the chorus is kind of like crack — equal parts shameful and addictive. I'm sorry people. I can't help it.

Now I know what some of you might be thinking. A) I have no taste (which could be true); B) I myself am on crack; so therefore I would appreciate the musical version of it; or C) after my morning with Speidi, I'm completely biased towards their creative output. Well, when it comes to the latter accusation, fear not. This comes from an unbiased point of view. Or rather, an unbiased AND fairly embarrassed point of view.

Why do I feel like I'll always regret this blog post for the rest of my life?

To hear Heidi Montag's "Fashion," click here.

And to replenish your music cred, listen to David Bowie's "Fashion" here.

It was only a matter of time before the big companies decided to capitalize on The Hills. Take for example this silly commercial featuring Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner babbling away with the assistance of their AT&T cell phones. It's actually not a particularly impressive spot (nor is it very funny), but hey, the welcome return of Warrant on the soundtrack is always a plus. And here I am posting it in the blogosphere; so the gambit worked. Thanks to reader Rachel for the heads up...

In case you missed Friday's Late Show with David Letterman, Spencer Pratt appeared as a guest, and within minutes, he managed to embarrass himself in an attempt to strut his celebrity persona. Luckily, Letterman happily put him in his place with a few dismissive chuckles and a sardonic quip or two. Leno fans, take note.

Now an update from the ever evolving world of reality whoredom: Brody Jenner will be hosting a reality show to find a new member of his entourage. Not sure who has standards low enough to compete for such a staggering prize, but MTV plans to air it all, from the homoerotic courting rituals to the "Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies." I suppose this will all be tongue and cheek, which I get, but still, I never knew that hot tubs played such a prominent role in Brody Jenner's man-posse. Nevertheless, I'm sure the race to be the next Spencer or Frankie will be equal parts heated and sensual, and according to MTV senior VP series development Liz Gately, "Brody is the perfect fit for this concept; he is type of guy everyone wants to hang out with." And by "everyone," she means "fame-whoring douchebags."

And yet, I'll be watching.

'Hills' co-star lands MTV series [Hollywood Reporter via Reality Blurred]

Leave it to Heidi and Spencer to upstage the most jaw-dropping photo of the week.

For more Speidi escapades in the Magic Kingdom, check out photos of them and their surprisingly wide array of Disney headware at A Socialite's Life.

IT'S SO SAD!

Jessica Trent. Gavin Beasley. Elodie Otto. These are the brave souls who selflessly shared their blanks stares, their disapproving glances, and their penchant for Baked Salmon rolls all so we could enjoy that much more of The Hills. And what have they gotten in return? NOTHING.

That's right, ever since landing primo supporting gigs on the MTV sensation, their lives have gone to hell (more or less). Jessica Trent, the oft-maligned whipping girl of Kelly Cutrone, endured a half-season of mockery, causing her to leave The People's Revolution lest her professional career take any more hits (bad news: it's probably too late). Now she spends her time organizing her closet.

Meanwhile, Gavin Beasley, a one-time suitor of Lauren Conrad, has become famous for pushing a certain sushi roll on the show's star despite her previous proclamations that she did not, in fact, like salmon. Now he must live with the unfortunate and burdensome reputation of being an intolerant salmon foister, never able to go on a single date again without girls cowering in fear that he might just shove an entire Philly Roll down their throats. A horrible legacy indeed.

But perhaps the most tragic tale of all focuses around one of our favorite departed Hills members: Elodie Otto. Fans know her as the girl who couldn't remember the English words for "pots and pans," but even more importantly, she's most famous as the once faithful sidekick to Heidi Montag who saw her job prospects vanish once her Master stole the job she had slaved for. This awkward impasse was unforgettably punctuated with one of the greatest quotes from The Hills canon: "You don't even know what's wrong and what's right anymore. IT'S SO SAD!"

Well, according to the Los Angeles Times, it appears that Heidi didn't steal her sidekick's position after all. Turns out Elodie had already quit SBE months before in an effort to parlay her fame (cough) into a lucrative bath and body product line. Surprise, surprise — the venture failed. It's too bad, really. I always did kind of associate Elodie with a luffa sponge.

Truth is that while Lauren, Audrina, Heidi, and Whitney lead what appear to be charmed lives, their armies of sidekicks often find themselves left behind in the dust cloud of fame. Hopefully, one of the minor Hills characters will achieve glory on their own terms (crossing fingers for Justin Bobby), but until then, we'll just have to hope a job opens up a Red Lobster.

To read more about life after The Hills, check out the full article here. Thanks to Jessica for the tip!

Just over two months ago, I did something that I never thought I'd do: I hung out with Speidi. That's right, I spent a morning intermingling with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, stars/villains of MTV's hit show, The Hills. Needless to say, it was quite the momentous occasion, especially since it landed me on TMZ for the first time ever. These were extraordinary new heights for me, and the brief taste of the tabloid life was thoroughly intoxicating; although, I was happy to return (er, remain) in anonymity when it was over.

Anyway, I posted some of the pics that surfaced from that eventful morning, but I wasn't really able to talk about the backstory until now. Behold, the TELL ALL post that will shock the internet!

"I should have made scallops..."

Ladies and gentlemen, The Hills season three has come to an end. For reals this time. No more of this "continuation" crap. Yes, it is done and over, and now we have to wait three long months for August when season four pops up on MTV. Judging by the sneak preview, it looks like we'll be in store for a lot of drama — at least more than what we got on last night's somewhat dull finale. I say "dull" because not much happened by way of story. Sure, Audrina and Lauren had a confrontation, but it didn't really solve anything, and it didn't lead to any definitive action (ie. Audrina moving out). It just kind of happened, and that was it. As for the Speidi storyline, that plot finally came to a much-needed end. Having to watch the former lovebirds go through episode after episode of "fighting" when we all know they are happily together in real life was just short of painful. I'm glad we can finally put this charade to rest and get back to the normal petty endeavors that make this show so great. And speaking of petty endeavors, let's talk about the giant elephant, or rather, CRAB in the room. That's right. I'm talking about the Great Crab Scandal of 2008, an event so momentous, it precipitated the aforementioned confrontation between Lauren and Audrina. I always knew that when the bottom fell out of this friendship, it would be because of crabs. It was only a matter of time...

These days, Hills spoofs are a dime a dozen, but this one is actually pretty good. It's not perfect, but the UCLA kids that put this together definitely picked up on many subtle Hills-isms. If only they had included some sort of Lisa Love character...

Thanks to Jose for forwarding this to me.

Hello everyone. After a two week hiatus, I'm back to writing Hills recaps. I sincerely tried to write them in Europe, but it was simply too hard to be snarky when there was so much bewildering television on. I apologize for the lack of content, but rest assured I am back and ready to dig into the passive-aggressive cyclone that is currently forming at the residence of Lauren, Audrina, and Lo. Yes, things are getting truly tense among this threesome as the sidekicks battle it out for supremacy. On one side, we have Audrina, who in recent years has proven to be resiliently loyal, if not a little vacant at times. She's had a few dalliances with Heidi recently, but she seems sincerely on Team Lauren, and furthermore, she's got an actual credit among the show's cast.

Then there's Lo, the audience favorite for her snarky, vicious comments. She's been Lauren's friend since childhood, and she clearly has no tolerance for any of the flighty Hollywood types (a.k.a. Audrina). However, despite the long history between she and LC, Lo has never had an official place in both The Hills or Laguna Beach casts — a fact that is certainly motivating and undermining her simultaneously. So which sidekick will win out? And let's not forget about Stephanie Pratt, the would-be Bestie #1, whose full sidekick potential has yet to be unleashed (she's gotta get rid of the ball and chain that is Speidi before she can truly take her game to the next level). Oh what a wonderful disaster all these friends are making...

I have to admit something. My Hills universe is getting all sorts of murky. It used to be that everyone hated Heidi, except Spencer, Stephanie, and the occasional sidekick (a.k.a. Bolthouse lackey #457). Now everything's getting all jumbled around. Audrina seems to be dangerously returning to the Heidisphere, Spencer seems to be curiously leaving it, and Stephanie, well, she's all over the place. How are we, the simplistic viewers, supposed to keep up with all these strange allegiances? The good news is that we'll always have the clear-cut world of Wh-wh-wh-whitney, whose foray into her new job is fast becoming the most entertaining part of the show. Now that Lauren's officially been invited to join Das People's Revolution, I'm thinking that we should just kick the other junk to the curb and focus on these girls' daily battles with the sickly overlord that is Kelly Cutrone. Now that would be good TV.

Monday's second episode of The Hills was a homecoming of sorts. Many old friends were reunited for the first time in weeks. Heidi and Audrina buddied up; Lauren and Whitney got to spend the workday together; and most importantly, we the audience got to see the return of none other than ASHES, a.k.a. Bella 2.0, a.k.a. Lauren's long forgotten cat. Throw in a dash of She-Spencer mischief and a pinch of Kelly Cuttrone bitchiness, and we were good to go!

Man, these double episodes of The Hills are killing me, but in a good way. I can't really complain when so much awkwardness is on display. There was so much petty drama on tonight's episodes, and for the first time in a little while, it all focused on Heidi and Lauren marking their territories anew. You see, the recent acquisition of Stephanie Pratt by the Lauren camp meant that Heidi had to somehow strike out and nab a defector of her own. Ah, but I'm getting too far ahead of myself. That's the juicy stuff from the second episode of the night, which I'll be sure to cover in a separate but equal recap sometime on Tuesday. For now, let's just focus on the first half hour of joy. A half hour that brought us laughter, tears, and, of course, Alicia Keys.

The second half of The Hills season is only a few episodes old, but already She-Spencer, née Stephanie Pratt, has already turned out to be a breakout star. The first instinct is to hate her as she is a descendent of the Pratt lineage, but her naughty manipulations and Iago-esque troublemaking have made her the next great guilty pleasure of this series. Somehow, she's managed to befriend nearly everyone, and I wouldn't be surprised if she popped up on the next episode with her new BFF, Lisa Love. She's a sneaky girl — not unlike Kristin Cavallari. And like that former Laguna star, after a while, it seems inevitable that we'll just have to give ourselves over to Stephanie's charms. Sigh. Might as well do it now.

Holy Moly. I had no idea MTV was going to give us two full episodes of The Hills tonight. I'm all for extra episodes, but I have to admit, I was so very psyched to be recapping only a half an hour's worth of material. Now I gotta do a full hour? ARGH! It's okay though. It's hard to stay too angry when there's so much fun to be had. And by fun, I mean SHE-SPENCER. I may break the recaps up into two separate posts to a) save my sanity, and b) well, pretty much just to save my sanity. If I'm on a roll though, I'll do both tonight. Who knows what will happen? After Paris, EVERYTHING'S JUST SO DIFFERENT.

BONJOUR! What a glorious evening. The Hills are back; although, in name only as tonight's sort-of premiere existed exclusively in non-Hills territory. Specifically, we spent the whole hour in Paris and Colorado, two locations that truly dazzled on screen under the Hills cinematic treatment. I guess I should mention that there were occasional jaunts to New York City, but those were for the considerably less fascinating offerings of a clunky live show and a bizarre (read: AWFUL) vignette starring Alicia Keys. More on that later.

For now, let's just enjoy the sights and sounds of Lauren, Whitney, Heidi, Spencer, and a coterie of greasy Frenchman. I haven't written a recap in quite some time; so bear with me a little here. I may be rusty at this. Here goes nothing. Bon chance!!

Like omg! It's a preview clip!

Back in November on The Hills, Lauren and Whitney headed off to Paris for a whirlwind tour of the city's many delights, and while we're not sure if the two had any awkward romantic encounters with an errant mime or — better yet — Marion Cotillard, we can be certain of one thing: the boy drama was hardly contained to the Western Hemisphere. Yes, two days after Mademoiselle Conrad shipped off to France, Brody was spotted with another girl... AT A ZOO!!! Mon dieu! Even worse, Brody referred to the new girl as... his girlfriend! IN FRONT OF THE MONKEY CAGE!!! Well, I'm not so sure about that last part, but I think it's safe to assume that's where he'd be spotted.

Nevertheless, this means one of two things: either Brody's now dating Bindi Irwin (gross, but intriguing), or he's somehow convinced some other unlucky girl to enjoy the ramshackle pleasures of Los Angeles's oft-maligned (and nearly incinerated) animal menagerie. Whoever the girl is, it's obvious that the never-quite-that-interesting saga of Brody and Lauren will be taking a brand new zoological twist when the season continues later this month.

Of course, personally, I'm more fascinated by the concerted efforts of Whitney to tame the stubborn bangs on Lauren's forehead, but that's just me.

In an exciting twist, I wound up in a paparazzi photo yesterday. But you'll never guess with whom...