Recently in The Hills Category

By now, most people lurking throughout the blogosphere have seen the before & after pics of Heidi Montag's new face and body, and if you're like me, you thought the surgery didn't look soooo bad (except for that soul-draining effect it has on her eyes and persona). However, I knew I'd have to reserve final judgment until I saw Heidi's new face in motion -- far away from the beneficial aids of photoshop and airbrushing.

Well, the young starlet's face made its on-camera debut on Good Morning America today, and as feared, Heidi looked truly scary and plastic. She seemed totally devoid of any of human qualities, and what's saddest is that her face didn't look drastically different -- but just enough to destroy any semblance of charm or personality.

Of course, once you get over Heidi's new face, you then have to listen to her talk, and the answers to some of reporter Juju Chang's questions truly walk the line between hilarious and depressing. I think Heidi's insistence that she wants to send a message about "inner-beauty" is most puzzling of all. However, my favorite exchange is this:

Classic, terrible stuff. To see the whole interview, click the video above.

This week, oft surgically enhanced reality star Heidi Montag revealed that she's completely addicted to plastic surgery, going so far as to get ten different procedures in one day late last year. The pictures are shocking to many, as the new, soulless creature staring back at us seems hardly like the Heidi we know and love. It's jarring, yes, but I cannot fault Heidi for going through with the alterations. That's because I know her pain all too well. Much like Ms. Montag, I too am highly addicted to plastic surgery, and recently I went under the knife for some touch-ups as well. The results might be surprising to you, but I couldn't be happier. At long last, I feel like I'm almost perfect, and maybe with a few more nips and tucks over the next five or thirty years, I can finally achieve that body I've always craved. It feels good; nay, it feels American.

Pictures of my transformation (swan alert!!) after the jump...

From the moment we saw the triumphant return of Dr. JORDANA MANSBACHER on last night's episode of The Hills, I knew we'd be in for a treat. It's not to say the episode was anything wonderful, but it certainly was hilarious. I guess we can thank the twin psychos of Heidi and Jayde for keeping things interesting. First we had Heidi scheming to get preggers (against Dr. Mansbacher's advice, I should note) by threatening to go off birth control without Spencer's knowledge. It surely was a very Lady Macbeth move on her part (not to discredit Lady McB), and of course anyone who caught wind of this plan shook their head with incredulity. Doesn't she know tricking a spouse into having a child is the sort of resentment-fueling incident that causes a drunken, Edward Albee-esque meltdown twenty-years down the line? Clearly not. And look at me with two theater references in the first paragraph. I suppose that's what happens when one discusses the Heidi chronicles. SNAP!

Anyway, in an effort to court Spencer's sperm, Heidi made her hubby a large, maternal pasta dinner that was sure to get him in the mood. Before digging in, however, she was sure to say grace, thanking God for their house, the food on the table, and, of course, her outfit. Once again, Heidi's introspection shows no bounds.

There seemed to be a major theme running throughout last night's episode of The Hills: drinking isn't good. This message was spelled out clearly for us in the Holly Montag storyline, but truly, if anyone needed exemplary evidence as to why alcohol might not be a great substance to abuse, one didn't need to look further than the latest dramas with Kristin and Brody and Jayde. For as much as the producers want us to believe than Holly is a drunkard, her only offense seems to be a predilection for goofy dancing, and honestly, who hasn't busted out The Elaine Dance whilst feeling a little tipsy here and there? No good deed goes unpunished though, and while Holly's one woman dance party was great fun for all nearby spectators, it was no laughing matter for rehab graduate (and soon to be returning student, I'm sure) Stephanie Pratt. She immediately ran to Heidi -- who famously was fired for drinking on the job, I might remind you -- and the two girls browbeat a suddenly tan Holly about going to rehab to cure all that ailed her. I know we've only seen snippets of Holly's life, but honestly, she does not come off as out of control (and it wouldn't surprise me if she was merely prompted by the Powers That Be to act rowdy for the cameras).

More troublesome on the booze front is resident Playboy Bunny / busty Canadian Jayde, who for a season and a half has been caught on camera usually wasted off Jager (usually thanks to her penchant for chugging said Jager -- also on camera). The problem with Jayde is not that she likes to dabble in fine spirits. The problem is that when she gets drunk, she turns into a belligerent drunk. She turns angry, she lashes out, and on occasion, she throws a cocktail or two at any nearby female who she deems as a threat. Basically, she can't handle her booze, and yet no one seems to think she needs to go to rehab. Maybe she just doesn't have supportive friends, which would make sense as she probably surrounds herself with a bunch of shallow bitches who merely want to travel in her Brody-tastic circles. Seems like a pretty miserable existence for those sidekicks. They basically have to sit there while the lovers quarrel. And speaking of said acrimony, while Jayde may be a sloppy lush, Brody is allegedly her boyfriend, and as such, he probably shouldn't be such an ass to her. I know she's insufferable, but I'm not sure it's totally cool to curse out your lady in front of her friends, your friends, and America. As my father would say, these two have a lot of class — all of it low.

I'm happy to report that last night's episode of The Hills was GOOD. It was everything we want from the show — silly scenarios, embarrassing moments, and some cutting humor. The latter was provided by Kristin's dad, whose cameo consisted of him making fun of Brody and his vanity any chance that he could. I'm not gonna lie — I was laughing at all his jokes. Now I see where Kristin gets it.

Kristin, as it turns out, had gone back down to Laguna to recharge with dad and the stepmom, who had little to offer beyond some cooing noises and pleasant smiles. Our heroine needed to recharge after the non-events in her fake life became too fake taxing for her fake existence. When Kristin returned to her Malibu home, who was there but Justin Bobby, cooking dinner. How he could just march into this house was beyond me, but I suppose like any good hobo, he can sneak into unwatched areas quite easily. Anyway, Justin Bobby served Kristin up some food, and it appeared as though she had forgiven him for his previous transgressions (booo). This was evidenced by the fact that after the meal, they were so eager to DO IT that Kristin didn't even bother taking in the dishes from outside. Let's just hope she moves through this dirtbag phase quickly...

Later, Kristin wound up at Brody's apartment for a benign yet unnecessary conversation about Jayde and her tempestuous ways. This was the producers' way of suggesting that these former lovahs might be rekindling their romance, but let's face it — that ship has sailed.

At long last, The Hills showed some life last night. It wasn't an amazing episode by any means, but at least it was more enjoyable than what we've previously seen this season. So why was this installment better than the rest? Well, I'd like to think the answer to that question begins and ends with the water balloon that nailed Kristin in the face, but it was more than that.

First off, Heidi and Spencer and their increasingly contrived storylines were relegated to the sidelines this week, surfacing only in about one or two scenes. Once again, the baby question has been plaguing the couple, and as Spencer complained about his wife's desire to spawn, that annoying turd Enzo popped up again, ready to interrupt the serenity that was Spence and Charlie hitting balls into a canyon. Look, I'm no fan of Spencer and Charlie (especially not Charlie), but if a kid can make my sympathetic to them, then that kid really must suck. And yes, I have no qualms making fun of wee Enzo because a) he's annoying, and b) his parents consented to have him appear on this show; so it's really their fault.

Nevertheless, Spencer eventually got the rugrat to disappear (no, he did not chuck him into the canyon), and later on, he joined his wife for dinner where again she pestered him about her childless uterus. The pressure to reproduce was great for Heidi because, as she explained, her mom had already had at least one kid by the time she was twenty-three. And look how well that turned out! Surprisingly, this little confrontation was actually enjoyable to watch, mostly because it wasn't the same old dopey bickering from these two. Heidi actually had a sly grin on her face instead of a puffy-lipped pout, and despite Spencer's reeeediculous cowboy hat, I couldn't help but be amused by this showdown. Nevertheless, Spence has the right idea: tie those tubes. No need for Lil Spencers to roam this earth.

Free stuff alert! In an effort to promote their new Lauren Conrad line of clothes, Kohl's has given me a $50 gift certificate to be used in their stores. You know what that means: time for a giveaway!

If you want to win the gift certificate, send me an email at bsideblog at gmail dotcom and tell me what you think the definitive Lauren Conrad moment has been and why. The best answer as judged by me will win the shopping spree!

Good luck!

And to check out Lauren's collection, click here.

I'd be loathe to abandon The Hills, seeing how it's brought me so many warm memories and strange real-life experiences (did I mention that time I went to the season four premiere party and became pen pals with Joe Francis? Yes, VERY strange indeed). I do have a special place in my heart for the show, and if I may backdoor brag for another moment, I've met a good number of people who work behind the scenes, and they're all great and do a great job.

That being said, the show is going downhill rapidly. It's not Kristin's fault. She's great. I love her. The fault, as I mentioned last week, is that none of these people DO anything, and thus we're stuck watching their romantic ups and downs, which would be fine if any of them seemed particularly bright (Lo and Kristin excluded). However, they're mostly not very sharp, and while I appreciate vacant eyes as much as anyone else, it's getting to be a bit much.

Nevertheless, I could sit here and complain, or I could be positive and chirp away about the fun stuff in last night's episode. Okay, there was no fun stuff. Just... stuff. The big scandal of the week was that Kristin arranged a lunch with Audrina to discuss the whole Justin Bobby mishap, but (gasp!) Audrina didn't show! Turns out Audrina had better things to do — like shop at a boutique or... shop at another boutique. And when Audrina wasn't shopping, she was helping Epic records pimp out their new ten-years-too-late-for-Lilith-Fair lady band, Verdana. Or Verona. Or Vedera. Something like that. Clearly their name is about as memorable as their music.

Take a wild guess who this is from. Sadly, it appears to be our last message from her... until the next one.

OK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THIS SHIT!!! THESE RE"CRAPS" SUCK!!! Look I've tried to be patient with you and stick by you through good recaps and bad re"craps" but this is it!!! I JUST CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE!!! How can someone with so much talent be so bad at writing recaps??? I just don't know what went so wrong with you??? I mean really!!! Really!!! REALLY!!! Is this what you do now??? This is what you call writing??? Is this suppose to satisfy me??? Well let me tell you something, it doesn't ok!!! First off, The Hills was AMAZING!!! Kristin is the BEST thing that MTV could've done with The Hills!!! The whole entire time I was watching I was like Lauren who??? It was like watching a brand new show!!! Kristin brought it like a champ unlike you with this re"crap"!!! This is going to be the BEST with her on it!!! Also, you kept misspelling Kristin's name a few times throughout your re"crap"!!! Yeah, you might want to watch that!!! The Hills is the BEST SHOW EVER!!! The City was alright!!! It was so boring!!! The Hills was so good it set the bar high and when The City came on I was like whatever!!! I could barely watch it!!! It had some good moments, but for the most part boring!!! Kelly is awesome as usual!!! Roxy is from The Hills!!! She was on season three!!! She is actually Stephanie's best friend in real life!!! So the fact that Whitney didn't even say anything about Roxy on The Hills is stupid!!! It makes no sense that her and Roxy are friends now!!! I know Whitney grew up in LA and she was actually friends with a lot of the cast members of The Hills before the show but still!!! The best parts were when Olivia went off on her boss and the end when her boss made her look stupid!!! I'm still going to watch because I love The City, maybe it will get better!!! Season 1 was better!!! Also, Alli was at the party at Whitney's house!!! Also, I want to let you know that I'm done with you!!! DONE!!! Done with this website and done with you re"craps"!!! Until you recap like you used to then I'm done!!! I'm going to find somebody who takes The Hills and The City and all my shows seriously!!! Someone who appreciates them!!! Someone who does their job right!!! Someone who loves Spencer and Heidi like I do!!! For all of you that comment on this site who say I'm joking and playing games I'm not!!! I'm just a true fan of these shows and I'm a real person with real feelings and you guys don't know much you hurt them!!! Please don't hate me!!! I will never send emails again!!! I promise this will be my last one ever!!!

OFFICIAL RESPONSE: I think you have the right idea. Time to move on. Specifically, go away.

After a summer of suspense, The Hills returned for its fifth season last night (although, I can swear there've been about thirty), and the big news was that Kristin Cavallari had stepped in to take the place of Lauren Conrad's starring role. This wasn't the first time Kristin has ascended to the spotlight. Back in the day, she took the reins from LC on Laguna Beach, and quite honestly, she rocked — turning the silly show into watercooler conversation. I'm not sure she can quite do the same this time around, but that's less Kristin's fault and more the result of the aging show, which has focused more and more on the growing entourage of boys and girls hanging onto these MTV stars. Whereas we used to have a core of girls with a few sidekicks to spice things up, we now have a full posse of Hollywood douches and idiots — Brody, Frankie, Sleazy T, Jayde, Stacie The Bartender (whose official title on the show is literally "The Bartender"), Stephanie, Justin Bobby, etc. etc. The list goes on, and it gets worse the deeper you get into it.

The good news is that Kristin is great. She IS a bitch, and she's gonna have fun with the situation. Already in the first episode she told Stephanie Pratt to shut the fuck up, and if that's not a wonderful thing, I don't know what is. Sadly, she seems drawn to Justin Bobby, whose mangy beard must have several organisms burrowing inside of it by now. Sure, he's no Joaquim Phoenix, but he's heading in that direction very soon. I just hope that Kristin's romantic overtures toward him are based solely in pissing off Audrina because I'm not sure I have it in me to see her truly fall for this dirtbag. Then again, I don't think I have it in me to see her fall for any of the dudes in this group — especially not Brody, who continues to elongate his "L" sounds in the most douchey of ways (ie. "relayytoinship").

Nevertheless, Kristin looks like she'll be keeping this season a bit spicier than usual, and I'm most excited to see her confrontation with the Jager-chugging Jayde, who seems about one tattoo away from jumping on the Rock of Love bus, if you know what I'm saying (she's trashy). Sure, The Hills is far past its prime, and it certainly draws more disdain than guilty pleasure these days (my heart has moved on to The City), but I'll still be following.

After the jump, a photocap of the premiere....

"I want B-Side to write the recaps the way he used to!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Hills and The City premiere tomorrow on MTV, and in case the (sort of nonexistent) PR machine hadn't informed you already, we here at B-Side Blog have the luxury of having our very own psycho reader to remind us of all the details. Yes, it's the one and only Dumb Bitch — née Michelle Coleman — back to harass us again about recapping the shows. Even though she swore she'd never write another email ever again, we knew she couldn't hold to that promise because, well, she's a dumb bitch. Here's the latest!

Listen up!!! You better be gearing up for The Hills and The City tomorrow night!!! The new night is Tuesdays at 10 & 10:30pm!!! I want full recaps of the shows this time around!!! Please don't pull that shit you did last time of putting up half ass recaps!!! You know how I like it!!! I want the recaps from back in the day!!! You've had all summer to prepare for battle so I want some funny shit!!! You better write the best recaps of all time!!! Your fans are waiting!!! You can't disappoint me this time!!! I LOVE THE HILLS & THE CITY!!! They're my fav and Spencer looks SO HOT this season!!! Let me repeat SO FUCKING HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I now must pose the question: do we think this girl is just Spencer or Heidi fucking with me? Is it a shrewd MTV employee getting free publicity for the show? Or should I be concerned for my safety? If I wind up with my neck slit... well, I suppose that won't answer anything — it really could be all of the above. But at least we'll have the memories of these emails. Nevertheless, my full response to Dumb Bitch is after the jump.

Don't you be starting up with me, Dumb Bitch.

This season of The Hills has come to a close, which means that we'll not only have no photocaps of the show until fall, but chances are I won't have any well written missives from my favorite Hills enthusiast, Dumb Bitch. That's too bad because they've almost become as entertaining as the show itself. Well, luckily, I've got two emails from her that should keep you all satisfied for the next several months.

Please enjoy...

Earlier this week, MTV aired a Very Special episode of The Hills. Not only did it serve as Lauren Conrad's last appearance in the franchise as a regular cast member, but it also ushered in the newlywed era of Speidi, whose nuptials were documented for the world to see. And yes, it was all just as ridiculous as you could imagine. From the bridal shower to the rehearsal dinner to some frivolous scenes in between, there was much to laugh at over the course of this seminal hour. And let's not overlook the return of Krsitin Cavallari, on hand to save the series from the Conrad-free doldrums. It's great to have her back. I only hope she can reinvigorate this show the way she did Laguna Beach. Something tells me she has it in her.

You know, I never got around to doing a photocap of last week's episode of The Hills, and I've yet to watch this week's again (there was lots of loud yammering through it from my friends; so I missed about 70% of it), but I knew y'all wouldn't be that upset at me because whenever I don't recap The Hills, we get something infinitely more entertaining: the angry, mentally deranged rant of Dumb Bitch — a Hills fan like none other (either that or a very shrewd MTV employee). Here's what she just wrote me:

Where is The Hills recap??? Quit posting all this other bullshit and put The Hills up!!! I know it was the holiday and all but you're two episodes behind!!! CATCH THE FUCK UP!!! Don't forget the season finale comes on Sunday at 8pm with the pre show at 7pm!!! YOU BETTER RECAP THIS SEASONS FINALE BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW YOU DIDN'T RECAP LAST YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, if this whoreface's latest emotive plea isn't enough for you, there's a bonus screed after the jump...

I could really go for a Triscuit right now.

There are three things that make any Hills episode good: Kelly Cutrone getting mad, Heidi having an illogical argument with another girl, and Audrina telling off Justin Bobby. Just our luck that last night's show had all three of those elements. By far the most entertaining plot involved Lady Cutrone, who unsurprisingly called upon Lauren (who actually had something to do on the show this week) to fire Stephanie. We knew we'd inevitably reach this point, especially after Steph had taken to such bad work habits as hanging up on callers and staring into space for hours on end. It was as if she were leaving cracker crumbs of awfulness all over the metaphorical couture gown that was Lauren's job. Yes, this was not an occupational pairing that was meant for success, and we knew it wouldn't be long before Stephanie's career ambitions would be utterly destroyed like a stack of Wheat Thins stuck in a blender.

A funny thing just happened: it's Monday afternoon, and I realized I haven't written anything about last week's episode of The Hills. Apologies all around. This in no way reflects the quality of the episode, which was highly amusing. Basically, it focused on girls being bitches to each other, and last time I checked, that's always grounds for good television. In one corner, we had Heidi going at it with Stacie the Bartender (again), and in the other corner, we had Audrina squaring off against Brody's collagen-injected lady friend, Jayde. Needless to say, many harsh words were had, bottles of Jagermeister chugged, and fun times had.

Last time when this dumb bitch wrote me an angry email, I got pissed and told her to go away. I also happened to have been very hungry at the time and prone to crankiness. Today comes a new entry in psycho-ville. I think it's clear she didn't read my previous scourge against her, which is why she's come back with this email. I know it comes from a place of love (in some warped, demented kind of way), but now it's just getting funny:

Seriously!!! Just stop!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEEASE JUST FUCKING STOP!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!!! THIS RE"CRAP" SUCKS!!! All I'm saying is why would you put the recap up and then no pictures??? If MTV didn't post the pictures up yet then wait!!! Don't put a half ass recap up!!! Look maybe you misunderstood the last time but I simply asked you to recap The Hills like you used to!!! Meaning recap from the beginning of the episode to the end along with your funny captions and screencaps in between!!! THE WAY THAT YOU USED TO RECAP THE HILLS!!! The recaps used to be so funny and witty and full of snark!!! I used to laugh so hard at your recaps!!! This is the second week that you just skipped around the episode!!! What are you going to do post the pictures later!!! HOW LAME!!! Just remember you have fans from the Laguna Beach days and beyond and I hope you find the strength to dig up some recaps like that again!!! You don't even blog about the gossip of the people on Laguna Beach, Hills, etc...... Did you know that Kristin is going to be on The Hills for six episodes??? DID YOU!!! [ed. note — this was actually posted on my blog earlier today] When Lauren leaves they're going to bring Kristin in!!! This is what I'm talking about!!! You don't post news like that!!! As far as I'm concerned you don't even deserve to recap The Hills anymore or deserve to breathe the same air as the people on The Hills!!! JUST BRING IT IN YOUR RECAP NEXT TIME!!!

To which I say this:

If it's smelling particularly floral around this blog of late, that's because I just took a vicarious trip to Hawaii with the likes of LC, Brody, Audrina, and a whole host of transmittable diseases, courtesy of The Hills. Yes, it was time for The Brodester and his posse of lickspittles to embark on their bros-only vacation in the Pacific, and while it's clearly bros before hos with this crew, the hos seemed particularly out of sorts without their bros. So what did the hos do? They followed the bros to Hawaii. Yes, it was a classic case of sojourn stalking, and no one was more fake surprised than Brody, who prior to the ladies's appearance was conveniently resting in a hammock and babbling away about how he happy he was right at that moment. And why wouldn't he have been? He was by the beach, surrounded by his bros (although, his new bud Luke from Bromance was curiously absent), and about to receive several days worth of nonstop flattery from the likes of Frankie and Sleazie T (he of the horrendous forearm tattoo). Unfortunately, the girls had to come by and ruin it all, what with their icky breasts and scary vaginas. Didn't they realize this was what Bro-dawg was trying to get away from?

I don't mind when people are critical of my blog. Heck, my friends pester me about changes I should make all the time. And I understand that you can't please everyone all the time. That being said, I do have a breaking point. This just arrived from a reader who seems a bit displeased with things around here of late:

This recap sucks!!! I have been a fan of your recaps since the Tvgasm days when Laguna Beach Season 1 started. I love this franchise and I like reading your recaps after I watch the episodes. I think this season of The Hills is going to be good like Season 2. Lately it seems like you don't enjoy The Hills as much as you used to. You stopped your recaps during the end of Season 2 and the beginning of 3 which I understood between leaving tvgasm and setting up this blog and I still followed. You didn't recap Newport Harbor, Bromance or the City (fyi these little photocaps or screencaps don't count as a recaps). You have many people who still like your recaps of Laguna and The Hills from back in the day. Maybe if you would recap like that you would have hundreds or a thousand comments like you used to!!! You didn't even recap The Hills Season 4 Finale!!! Don't think I forgot about that!!! All I'm saying is step it up and bring your A GAME or forget it!!! Don't start something so good and don't finish it!!! I truly hope this is the last Hills re"crap" like this!!! I just expected more from you!!!

To which I say, shut the fuck up and go away.

Yay! Anger!

Well, it's Thursday night, and entirely too many days have gone by since The Hills for there not to be a peep from me on this site. Truth is I only got around to watching it this evening, and because I've been busy of late (I know, I know — broken record), I don't have time to write out a full recap — which apparently will please some of you with short attention spans (cough, Jash, cough, IndianJones). But that's okay. We all win this way: I don't have to exert as much energy, and neither do you. Not sure if this is gonna be the permanent format of Hills recaps going forward, but we'll see how it goes. Feel free to voice your opinions.

Nevertheless, this isn't about me. It's about Lauren and Heidi and Stephanie and Spencer and Dr. Jordana Mansbacher and crackers. Yes, we had all those things and more on another hilarious episode of a resurgent fifth season. Suddenly I'm finding myself excited about The Hills again, and I couldn't be happier.

A new supporting character has played a prominent role on this season of The Hills, and her name is Stacie — or as Stephanie Pratt has been prone to calling her — homewrecker, slut, whore, etc.. To me, she's just "bartender" or "that girl from The Hills" or "that girl from The Hills named Stacie who I pretend like I don't know her name but clearly I do." Anyway, I had some friends in from out of town last week, and when I asked where they wanted to go out to, they admitted that they really wanted to check out The Dime, which just so happens to be where Stacie works and where Spencer had his big brawl with Cameron and where Heidi had her jealous girlfriend moment. Needless to say, with all this excitement, my friends understandably couldn't resist checking out this epicenter of pop culture drama.

Well, we all arrived at the bar, and I was fairly shocked to discover that Stacie was actually working at The Dime. I just naturally assumed she was an actress cast to play the role of a bartender on the show. But lo! She's a real working woman. Naturally, I acted as if I didn't even know who she was when she took my order (even though in my head I was quietly planning out the blog post word by word). I'm sure she realized, however, that we were ardent fans of the show because on more than one occasion, she literally snuck up out of nowhere and cut through our group as we were saying such choice things as "Yeah, she really does look pretty in person" or "We should call her the homewrecker" or "It's so funny that the girl from The Hills is actually here." We were very smooth.

So The Hills is back, and of course I'd be traveling and busy for the first two episodes, and of course those first two episodes would be super good and restore my faith in a series that seemed to be lagging by the end of last season. And of course because of said traveling and said business, I wouldn't be ale to recap those episodes, which I apologize for, but if it's any consolation, I'm here to not only bring you a recap of this week's episode but also a bonus story about how I met the infamous Stacie The Bartender last night (as well as Marcel from Top Chef). Ah, but you'll have to read on for that...

Horrifying news this week that one of our most beloved reality TV pets, Ashes from The Hills, has gone missing (and no, he hasn't been hiding out on the floor). Apparently Lauren Conrad was bringing the cat into the house when a loud, passing car startled our feline friend. Ashes immediately jumped from the not-so-iron-clutches of LC and ran into the bushes, never to be seen again. Lauren said she looked around for him, but it was all in vain. Ashes had disappeared. Why, Ashes, why??? I'm sure the poor cat was genuinely startled by the asshole car, but part of me thinks it just didn't want to be around Brody's whining anymore. Sweet kitty freedom!!

Those who know cats know that Ashes could very well resurface a few weeks down the line; however, the scuttlebutt is that Lauren and Lo have up and sold their Hollywood casa, which means the likelihood that Ashes will be reunited with the girls is next to none. Luckily, there is a silver lining: I happen to live just a few blocks from Lauren's old place. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for Ashes, and if I find him, you can be sure you'll here about it here first. It's the least I could do after so relentlessly mocking Alessandra Ambrosio's missing pup.

Thanks to reader Nicole for giving me the heads up. To hear Lauren's interview where she spills the beans about Ashes, click here.

Just under eight weeks ago, as part of a Hills promotional tie-in, I posted a contest imploring people to state their worthiness to win $25 of free Sonic fast food. I really didn't expect much of a response, but I must have vastly overlooked the draw of free food and perhaps underestimated the quality of Sonic (which I still have not tried). Anyway, I received many submissions, and they were all well-written, well-stated, and well-imbued with the sort of sentimental stuff that really pulls the heartstrings.

I had a very difficult time choosing a winner, but alas, the time has come.

The winning entry after the jump...

"om nom nom nom nom..."

Drumroll please! The time has finally come: Speidi have gotten married... sort of... not really. That's right, tonight's episode of The Hills featured the much anticipated Mexican nuptials of Spencer Pratt and his blushing / boozing bride Heidi Montag. And what did we get to see? Nothing really. Apparently we'll get to see the real deal legal action next week. For now, we just have some shaky home video and enough flammable tequila breath to fuel a small power grid. Mazel mazel!

Spencer and Heidi weren't the only ones celebrating life-changing events. Whitney landed that job at Diane von Furstenberg's empire (shocking, I know), and as a result, we spent the rest of Monday's episode bidding her adieu via parties, luncheons, and extended driving-to-the-airport sequences. Now she's ready for life in the city. I mean, The City. Will she ever find friends like Lauren again? You know, friends that never invite her to parties (except for lame pool parties hosted by Doug).

Ah, the future is now, young starlets. Enjoy the next chapters of your lives!

Well lookie here! It's a Hills recap! As some of you noticed, I've taken the last two weeks off because a) one week was full of traveling, birthday celebrations, and illness, and b) the second week was full of real world obligations. And since really the only noteworthy thing to happen during that time was the arrival of Spencer's Nana, I felt it wasn't such a bad thing to maybe skip an episode or two. I was actually planning on resuming my recaps after tonight's Pratt nuptials, but a two week gap of recaps is a bit much. Plus, I don't think I can deal with any more impatient emails such as this short and fussy one I got this morning:

"B-side - Can you please post your two Hills recaps already?"

Actually, after getting that cyber missive, I almost nixed tonight's impending recap entirely, just to piss the girl off, but then I realized that would be petty. And as we all know, I am anything but petty.

Nevertheless, the recap drought has ended. Please enjoy (and stop sending me angry emails).

After a few episodes of wishy-washy drama, The Hills heated up this week with the bombshell rumor that Lauren had hooked up with resident hobo Justin Bobby. No one was more shocked than Lauren herself, who adamantly denied the accusation — or non-accusation, as it were — to the point where she wound up crying in public. How embarrassing. Audrina, meanwhile, was determined to get to the bottom of these shenanigans, even if it meant turning into a crazed psycho bitch and making life miserable for LC and JB. Of course, I had less sympathy for the frustration J-Bobbs felt because he's toyed with Aud for so long that it's about time he felt some true heat from her about something. Heck, he's even hooked up with other girls right in front of her. Maybe it's possible that his gossipy friend Dino, who started all this mess, confused with Lauren with perhaps some other blonde in LA. Either way, the damage has been done, and after cursing out all parties involved, it looks as though Audrina might have caused a few irreparable rifts (a bitter interview on Ellen surely didn't help either). So yeah, awesome episode!

The most insulting part of Prop 8: these two can get married while a whole segment of the population cannot.

P.S. Shave your beard, idiot. It's your goddamn wedding day.

So this latest episode of The Hills was fun and all, but am I crazy for just wanting to fast forward through time and get to the next installment? Because if the preview for Monday's show was any indication, we'll be in for some hardcore drama courtesy of Lauren, Audrina, Justin Bobby and a few dirty rumors (emphasis on the word "dirty"). Until we get to that glorious showdown, however, we must contend with this week's latest developments: Heidi got a second chance, Holly got a second housing option, and Justin Bobby got a second... something. Damn, I was really looking for three "second" things. Oh well. All that really matters is that Justin Bobby looked more in need of a shower than ever before. And let's not overlook Spencer. No, he wasn't in need of a fresh scrubbing. He looked clean and recently showered. But what Spencer did need was an attitude check. He was completely out of control this episode, going so far as to literally not make sense as he clashed with Heidi about her sister. I think it's safe to say that logic will never make an appearance at their humble apartment.

Well, for the umpteenth episode in a row, poor Lauren Conrad has taken a backseat on her own show as a supporting character — this time Whitney — anchored the main story line. The good news was that we got a break from the endless Audrina / Justin Bobby drama. The bad news is that we saw a side of Wh-wh-wh-Whitney that I didn't particularly like very much. She'd always been the sweet, flighty girl of the bunch — the one who seemed least likely to pull a Mean Girls move. However, we discovered that underneath the giggly surface was a girl who wasn't afraid to plunge a dagger deep into the heart of a gentleman caller. For shame, Whitney. For shame.

I identified strongly with this latest episode of The Hills because like Audrina Patridge, I too moved to a new home last week, and also like her, I have wonderful new kitchen. Well, maybe not as gleaming as hers, but considering that none of the appliances seem to predate the Bush administration, I'd say that's a step in the right direction. Nevertheless, because of my move and subsequent Internet outages and whatnot, I've found myself again regrettably tardy with this recap. I fear that I may get lapped by the new episode, a fate that IndianJones has been gleefully anticipating for the past few days. Every time I see him, he warns, "You're gonna get lapped. You're gonna get lapped." Sometimes I wish I could just fire him as a friend much in the same way Brent Bolthouse did to Heidi, but ultimately, there will be no need for that. I've got t-minus five hours to take on one of the more eventful episodes of the season. Let's hope for the best...

Happy Halloween, everyone! To celebrate today's festivities, I'm bringing you a recap of a positively SCARY episode of The Hills. And by "scary," I mean "scary boring," because that's what this week was. Sure, there were some fleeting amusing moments (Chiara scolding her Master being prime among them), but the rest was kind of blaaah. I guess that's what happens when Audrina's boy drama takes over the show. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice girl, but Aud has never been a bastion of personality, and therefore, it's hard to care much for her on-and-off escapades with Justin Bobby. As a minor subplot, they're fine, but as the dominating story, they're tedious. Whatever happened to Lauren? Isn't this her show?

Nevertheless, like a trick or treater who just got stuck with a box of raisins, I'll continue forward, hopeful that next week will bring the candy goodness that I so crave. In the meantime, off to the recap!

John McCain's campaign has been trailing in the national polls recently, and while I'm sure he'd be delighted to get whatever help he can get, I tend to think these photos of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag in pro-McCain/Palin t-shirts may not be what he has in mind. Yes, in the past McCain has expressed fondness for Heidi, but I always assumed that was just a doddering old man saying things he didn't really mean about things he didn't really understand. After all, who would want someone as universally loathed as Heidi to be the poster child of your campaign? It's like courting the endorsement of Osama Bin Laden.

That's why with their guns and beer and vacant expressions, Spencer and Heidi's latest publicity ploy is destined to fail. In an election season where guilt by association seems to be the name of the game, the two have completely negated all the inroads McCain has made with this Bill Ayers nonsense. Next time anyone accuses Obama of being friends with a domestic terrorist, all he has to say is "Well, John McCain likes Speidi."

DUNZO.

For a closer look at Spencer and Heidi's t-shirts, follow the jump...

Via Socialite's Life

Poor Lauren. She had to sit on the sidelines of this latest episode of The Hills while her sidekick Audrina got wasted and spent the following twenty minutes of screen time trying to grab a flower. If it doesn't sound exciting, you're wrong. This is The Hills, the only show on television that can create high drama out of listless pawing. To be fair, there were a few noteworthy events in this installment: most of the gang flew down to Cabo San Lucas, which was exciting in and of itself, while in Speidi-land, Spencer terrorized his sister yet again with a cringe-worthy dinner in Los Angeles. All in all, fun times. I'm just sad this field trip of an episode didn't end with Doug and Brody back in the clink. You know they would have squealed like pigs in their roasty Mexican jail cell.

Avid followers of The Hills may notice Sonic's various parody ads scattered throughout the telecast on a weekly basis. This is all part of the fast food chain's serialized spoof, titled The Stalls, and in an effort to promote both the ad campaign and their restaurants, the good people of Sonic have sent me a $25 gift certificate for use at my discretion. But not only that, they've included a second $25 gift certificate to give away to my readers. Well, if there's anything I like more than free food, it's giving away free food (except to doe-eyed orphans. Why they gotta be so needy, yo?).

So here's how this will work. If you want the gift certificate, write in with a heartfelt plea, and whoever makes the best case for themselves will win it. Be advised that I may publish your email.

Now, for no reason other than me being bored, please enjoy several photos from The Hills, photoshopped to include milkshakes.

It was all about the boys on this week's episode of The Hills as Audrina struggled to find love with a perfectly fine Aussie bloke before returning to that perpetual bastion of heartbreak and body odor, Justin Bobby. I guess it's never easy to get over that special someone, even if his chuckle does show early signs of both black lung and emphysema. It's too bad, really. Aud had so much chemistry with Cody, her new suitor from down under. Well, I'll just assume they had chemistry since that's what Lauren insisted on repeatedly throughout the course of the show. Yeah, we saw the two smooch a few times, and yeah, there was a tender moment when Audrina fetched him strawberries to go with his Special K, but I can't say I detected anything earth shattering. Maybe that's why Audrina ultimately wound up half naked in a pool with J-Bobbs. Say what you will about these two, but this certainly was the steamiest scene in Hills history. On a show known for artfully cutting away from anything suggesting sex, it was the equivalent of putting a giant vagina on the screen and a sign that said, "Looky here!"

The rest of the episode was rather benign, verging on dull. Thankfully, Spencer kept us entertained with another dose of hypocritical complaints about Holly, ultimately laying down an ultimatum on his dearest: either she goes or he goes. What would Heidi do??? You probably don't need too many brain cells to figure out that question.

There were many things to admire in last night's episode of The Hills, and chief among them was Holly, who taking a page from her mother, finally stood up to Spencer with an "Oh SNAP!" moment to close out the episode. Of course, we did have to wait nearly thirty minutes for the confrontation, but it was worth it. The rest of the show was pleasantly enjoyable — certainly not the drama-packed installment that last week was, but engaging nonetheless. We tread upon familiar Hills topics: namely, the future of Audrina and Justin Bobby and whether or not Lauren could ever repair her relationship with Heidi (I'm gonna go out on a limb and say NO on that point). There was no Brody, no DOUG, no Steph — just our classic characters (give or take a few new sidekicks and some silly dude named Colin). Fun times.

With Wall Street losing a trillion dollars and everything else pretty much falling apart in this country, MTV on Monday took a page out of the Spartan Cheerleaders book and said, "You know what this country needs? THE PERFECT CHEER." And that cheer came in the form of an utterly wonderful new episode of The Hills. This latest installment was light on filler material, which meant we didn't have four different scenes of people recapping previous conversations to other people. Instead, we were chock full o' drama — whether it be Spencer clashing with Heidi's mom, Stephanie lying terribly to Lauren, or Doug trying his best to weasel his way out of the frozen burrito of duplicity he'd wrapped himself into. Throw in a dash of Wet Whitney, and we have pretty much the best episode of the season so far. Yes, better than Vegas.

After last week's less than exciting episode, I was thrilled to see The Hills back in fine fettle as the various sidekicks that orbit the Conrad universe manage to crash and burn without the stern presence of their Master. Yes, Lauren was off to Italy for most of this episode, which meant that all her besties had to fend for themselves, a task they all didn't quite succeed in. Basically, there was complete chaos in Los Angeles, but it was all worth it to see Brody's surgically enhanced cougar mom make her first cameo appearance on the show. Maybe we should rename this show to the Over-The-Hills. Rimshot! I kill me.

After several episodes of increasing tension between Audrina, Lauren, and Lo, The Hills settled back into a casual groove this past week with an installment that was a bit less action-oriented than recent eps. Basically, nothing happened. I mean, nothing. Granted, there were several breezy lunches, which were about as riveting as one would expect. But aside from this meandering tour of Los Angeles's bistro scene, I can't say there was anything terribly provocative or memorable about the episode. I'll just chalk it up to essential long-term storytelling, meaning that while the events in this week's ep weren't particularly fascinating, they'll help to establish further exciting drama down the line. Or so I hope. I swear, if I have to sit through one more lame musician cameo, I'm gonna abduct Ashes the cat and hold him for ransom. Don't mess with me. I will do it.

Apologies all around. It's been a week since The Hills aired its last episode, and I haven't even posted anything close to resemble a recap — a major offense given all the drama surrounding this latest installment. I'd like to blame it all on the Vegas adventures, for the sheer insanity on display there was enough to freeze my brain and render me useless for seven straight days. However, I must take full responsibility. Well, I'll take half responsibility. I truthfully have had an extremely busy week, what with my life's quest being fulfilled, not to mention a trip to The Soup (photos to come) and a visit to the Gossip Girl set (photos also to come, but don't get very excited). Throw in a wedding, some transcontinental flying, and a few tacos, and I've just been busier than the most busy of beavers.

Oh, but these are just excuses, and who wants to hear those? I fear I may have already alienated you, my dear readers. We used to have such a good relationship, and now look at us. There's just all this tension, and I don't know where it come from. I just want us to go back to the way it was. That's all I want. Must a black tear fall from my eye before I earn your love back?

Nevertheless, it's time for me to get my act together and start writing this thing. In the fabled words of Audrina, "Well, LET'S DO IT!"

Where to begin? The latest episode of The Hills was so chock full o' drama that it barely seemed able to fit into one meager half hour. I suppose that's why MTV spread it out over the course of two consecutive episodes, with the first half of the drama (ahem, DRAMA) airing Sunday before the VMAs. This was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it meant I'd get my Hills fix a day early and twice as much as a normal week. On the other hand, Sunday was the first Sunday of the football season, which meant that by the time I was ready to sit down at watch The Hills, I was already too drunk to properly take notes.

This is all my way of saying that I hadn't actually gotten around to watching The Hills until just now, and man was it worth the wait. The whole crew quite literally jetsetted off to Las Vegas — a traditional jaunt for every season — and as we know, an evening in Sin City does not come without its fair share of high jinks. The previews touted Brody's unfortunate (yet HILARIOUS) incarceration, but truth was that the episode was about so much more. For starters — Brody called Stephanie crazy, which is apparently a major no-no. And if that weren't bad enough, the increasingly volatile Audrina situation threatened to derail the entire trip. Needless to say, we knew we were in for a good time when we got more than one instance of shakey-cam — that rare indicator that the action on screen was completely and totally unexpected, even for the reliably steady camera men. Looks Vegas hit the drama jackpot...

Apologies on the tardiness of my recap. It was a long weekend, and as such, my entire writing schedule got a bit messed up. Yes, I took it slow on Labor Day, which was somewhat appropriate given the rather languid pace of this latest installment of The Hills. Granted, it would be hard to top last week's Pratt bonanza, which featured Stephanie contributing to the show's fine tradition of AWFUL birthday parties. But even as denouements go, Monday's episode was still a bit slow. I guess that's because not much actually happened. Yes, Whitney met a boy, LC dumped a boy, and Stephanie pampered a boy, but aside from that, I wouldn't categorize these latest adventures as some of the show's more dramatic material.

That being said, there's still plenty to snark about; and who am I to turn away that?

The Hills is back in more ways than one. Last night's episode was a pure joy — from the awkward interactions between Audrina and Lo to the awkward interactions between Kelly Cutrone and her short-lived peon Jessica. And, of course, let's not overlook the awkward interactions between Spencer and... EVERYONE. Yes, it was one episode of nonstop awkward moments, and if there's anything we live for on The Hills, it's awkward moments. Add in some Spencer-conceived geopolitical analogies in the form of Israel and Iran, and we had pretty much the perfect show.

The Olympic Games may be in full swing these days, but they're not the only place to find intense sparring, emotional intrigue, and slack-jawed googly eyes. No, for all those fine elements (particularly the latter), we have The Hills, which made its triumphant, if arbitrary return for Season Four last night on MTV. I say arbitrary because I'm still wondering why the second half of season three was actually still considered season three when in fact the break between both halves of that season was longer than the break between seasons three and four. Oh well, it's all semantics anyway, and given that the show already has a dubious enough timeline as it is, we really shouldn't be at all surprised by MTV's bizarre choices in the labeling department.

But look at me. I'm already babbling about something insignificant when in fact there is plenty more to discuss. The new season has yielded two new characters: Heidi's younger sister Holly and Lauren's new boy DOUG (pronounced like "UGH"). Both new faces have yet to do anything particularly regrettable — besides the unfortunate decision to make breakfast at the crack of 11:45 AM in the Speidi household — however, I'm sure we'll be seeing plenty of petty drama from them soon enough.

For now though, we'll just have to rely on our old mainstays to create all the tension in the show. I'm talking, of course, about Audrina and Lo, who took some major steps forward in their quest to take major steps back in their friendship. The two girls are like oil and water — or rather, bronzer and some OTHER bronzer — and it's becoming more and more obvious that they can never be friends. How am I so sure? Well, for starters, there was Audrina who said, "WE'LL NEVER BE FRIENDS." Yeah, not quite the mending Oprah moment Lauren would want. I'm getting way ahead of myself though. Let's start this recap from the top...

This past weekend, I made my MTV debut on the launch special for the upcoming season of The Hills. It was a momentous talking head occasion — my finest contribution to The Hills canon since I coined the term "Speidi" back last year.

But I won't tease you any longer. To see my first illustrious MTV appearance, follow the jump...

Time to blatantly shill: as I mentioned earlier this month, MTV interviewed me for their upcoming launch special for The Hills: Season 4. That program, titled Drama in The Hills: US Weekly Presents the Top 10 Most Memorable Moments Ever, will be premiering Saturday afternoon at 1 PM EST. I'm sure I will only be featured for a grand total of 6.2 seconds (if at all), but hey, something's better than nothing.

To complement the special, I was going to post my own choices for the top ten moments of Hills history, but alas, time is fleeting, and I must be off for morning activities and obligations. Perhaps later today...

Very exciting news. I'm gonna be on The Hills retrospective. (C'mon, you didn't think I'd be cool enough to actually get on The Hills proper, did you?) Yes, earlier today, I was interviewed by producers for an upcoming launch special for the fourth season of The Hills. Hopefully, they'll use my footage, but I suppose that depends on how succinct of a speaker I was — I tend to be a bit longwinded. Nevertheless, it was lots of fun, despite my skin shining up like a polished bowling ball. I'll post more information as it comes out, but for now, I'll just say that the MTV special should be airing on August 16th, two scant days before the big premiere of season four. Be sure to check it out!

Mere months after the third season ended, The Hills is returning to MTV on August 18th for its fourth season. What makes this a brand new season instead of just part three of season three? I don't know. But what I do know is that according to the trailer above, we should see plenty of petty drama. For starters, there seems to be an entirely new subset of vacuous males hanging around, the most prolific being a guy named Doug, who apparently falls for Lauren, BUT THEN GOES ON A DATE WITH STEPHANIE (she best be careful — otherwise LC will want to forgive her AND forget her!). Other subplots appear to be the arrival of Heidi's sister, who looks shockingly like her mother (and most certainly un-Hollywood). I guess that's why it's no surprise that Spencer wants her of the apartment — and isn't afraid to say so.

Most fascinating of all, however, is the increasing tension between Audrina, LC, and Lo. Forget all the boy drama. We only care about this tinderbox of a situation. Do Audrina and Lauren really hate each other now? Do Audrina and Lo really hate each other now? Do Audrina and ASHES really hate each other now??? There are so many questions! I can't hardly wait!

Here's something to disturb you: Heidi and Spencer handling firearms. Yes, if there was ever a photo shoot that could get the Supreme Court to reverse its latest decision on gun control, it would be this one featuring our favorite Hills duo preening at a shooting range. I'm uncomfortable watching trained soldiers brandishing weapons, let alone these twits. Let's just be thankful that no one in the vicinity was struck by a stray bullet, courtesy of Heidi answering her Sidekick.

A few more pics after the jump, and if you want to see all 50+ photos, click here.

(Pacific Coast News Online via Socialite's Life)

I just heard Heidi's new song/caterwaul, "Fashion," and I'm not going to lie: it's vapid, atonal, and totally awful. And yet, it's so crazy catchy that I've been whistling it for the past five minutes (and I've only heard it once). If you can just get past all the vocoder effects and the French lyrics (!) and the so-cheesy-it-hurts "HEIDI!" line at the beginning, you'll find that the chorus is kind of like crack — equal parts shameful and addictive. I'm sorry people. I can't help it.

Now I know what some of you might be thinking. A) I have no taste (which could be true); B) I myself am on crack; so therefore I would appreciate the musical version of it; or C) after my morning with Speidi, I'm completely biased towards their creative output. Well, when it comes to the latter accusation, fear not. This comes from an unbiased point of view. Or rather, an unbiased AND fairly embarrassed point of view.

Why do I feel like I'll always regret this blog post for the rest of my life?

To hear Heidi Montag's "Fashion," click here.

And to replenish your music cred, listen to David Bowie's "Fashion" here.

It was only a matter of time before the big companies decided to capitalize on The Hills. Take for example this silly commercial featuring Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner babbling away with the assistance of their AT&T cell phones. It's actually not a particularly impressive spot (nor is it very funny), but hey, the welcome return of Warrant on the soundtrack is always a plus. And here I am posting it in the blogosphere; so the gambit worked. Thanks to reader Rachel for the heads up...

In case you missed Friday's Late Show with David Letterman, Spencer Pratt appeared as a guest, and within minutes, he managed to embarrass himself in an attempt to strut his celebrity persona. Luckily, Letterman happily put him in his place with a few dismissive chuckles and a sardonic quip or two. Leno fans, take note.

Now an update from the ever evolving world of reality whoredom: Brody Jenner will be hosting a reality show to find a new member of his entourage. Not sure who has standards low enough to compete for such a staggering prize, but MTV plans to air it all, from the homoerotic courting rituals to the "Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies." I suppose this will all be tongue and cheek, which I get, but still, I never knew that hot tubs played such a prominent role in Brody Jenner's man-posse. Nevertheless, I'm sure the race to be the next Spencer or Frankie will be equal parts heated and sensual, and according to MTV senior VP series development Liz Gately, "Brody is the perfect fit for this concept; he is type of guy everyone wants to hang out with." And by "everyone," she means "fame-whoring douchebags."

And yet, I'll be watching.

'Hills' co-star lands MTV series [Hollywood Reporter via Reality Blurred]

Leave it to Heidi and Spencer to upstage the most jaw-dropping photo of the week.

For more Speidi escapades in the Magic Kingdom, check out photos of them and their surprisingly wide array of Disney headware at A Socialite's Life.

IT'S SO SAD!

Jessica Trent. Gavin Beasley. Elodie Otto. These are the brave souls who selflessly shared their blanks stares, their disapproving glances, and their penchant for Baked Salmon rolls all so we could enjoy that much more of The Hills. And what have they gotten in return? NOTHING.

That's right, ever since landing primo supporting gigs on the MTV sensation, their lives have gone to hell (more or less). Jessica Trent, the oft-maligned whipping girl of Kelly Cutrone, endured a half-season of mockery, causing her to leave The People's Revolution lest her professional career take any more hits (bad news: it's probably too late). Now she spends her time organizing her closet.

Meanwhile, Gavin Beasley, a one-time suitor of Lauren Conrad, has become famous for pushing a certain sushi roll on the show's star despite her previous proclamations that she did not, in fact, like salmon. Now he must live with the unfortunate and burdensome reputation of being an intolerant salmon foister, never able to go on a single date again without girls cowering in fear that he might just shove an entire Philly Roll down their throats. A horrible legacy indeed.

But perhaps the most tragic tale of all focuses around one of our favorite departed Hills members: Elodie Otto. Fans know her as the girl who couldn't remember the English words for "pots and pans," but even more importantly, she's most famous as the once faithful sidekick to Heidi Montag who saw her job prospects vanish once her Master stole the job she had slaved for. This awkward impasse was unforgettably punctuated with one of the greatest quotes from The Hills canon: "You don't even know what's wrong and what's right anymore. IT'S SO SAD!"

Well, according to the Los Angeles Times, it appears that Heidi didn't steal her sidekick's position after all. Turns out Elodie had already quit SBE months before in an effort to parlay her fame (cough) into a lucrative bath and body product line. Surprise, surprise — the venture failed. It's too bad, really. I always did kind of associate Elodie with a luffa sponge.

Truth is that while Lauren, Audrina, Heidi, and Whitney lead what appear to be charmed lives, their armies of sidekicks often find themselves left behind in the dust cloud of fame. Hopefully, one of the minor Hills characters will achieve glory on their own terms (crossing fingers for Justin Bobby), but until then, we'll just have to hope a job opens up a Red Lobster.

To read more about life after The Hills, check out the full article here. Thanks to Jessica for the tip!

Just over two months ago, I did something that I never thought I'd do: I hung out with Speidi. That's right, I spent a morning intermingling with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, stars/villains of MTV's hit show, The Hills. Needless to say, it was quite the momentous occasion, especially since it landed me on TMZ for the first time ever. These were extraordinary new heights for me, and the brief taste of the tabloid life was thoroughly intoxicating; although, I was happy to return (er, remain) in anonymity when it was over.

Anyway, I posted some of the pics that surfaced from that eventful morning, but I wasn't really able to talk about the backstory until now. Behold, the TELL ALL post that will shock the internet!

"I should have made scallops..."

Ladies and gentlemen, The Hills season three has come to an end. For reals this time. No more of this "continuation" crap. Yes, it is done and over, and now we have to wait three long months for August when season four pops up on MTV. Judging by the sneak preview, it looks like we'll be in store for a lot of drama — at least more than what we got on last night's somewhat dull finale. I say "dull" because not much happened by way of story. Sure, Audrina and Lauren had a confrontation, but it didn't really solve anything, and it didn't lead to any definitive action (ie. Audrina moving out). It just kind of happened, and that was it. As for the Speidi storyline, that plot finally came to a much-needed end. Having to watch the former lovebirds go through episode after episode of "fighting" when we all know they are happily together in real life was just short of painful. I'm glad we can finally put this charade to rest and get back to the normal petty endeavors that make this show so great. And speaking of petty endeavors, let's talk about the giant elephant, or rather, CRAB in the room. That's right. I'm talking about the Great Crab Scandal of 2008, an event so momentous, it precipitated the aforementioned confrontation between Lauren and Audrina. I always knew that when the bottom fell out of this friendship, it would be because of crabs. It was only a matter of time...

These days, Hills spoofs are a dime a dozen, but this one is actually pretty good. It's not perfect, but the UCLA kids that put this together definitely picked up on many subtle Hills-isms. If only they had included some sort of Lisa Love character...

Thanks to Jose for forwarding this to me.

Hello everyone. After a two week hiatus, I'm back to writing Hills recaps. I sincerely tried to write them in Europe, but it was simply too hard to be snarky when there was so much bewildering television on. I apologize for the lack of content, but rest assured I am back and ready to dig into the passive-aggressive cyclone that is currently forming at the residence of Lauren, Audrina, and Lo. Yes, things are getting truly tense among this threesome as the sidekicks battle it out for supremacy. On one side, we have Audrina, who in recent years has proven to be resiliently loyal, if not a little vacant at times. She's had a few dalliances with Heidi recently, but she seems sincerely on Team Lauren, and furthermore, she's got an actual credit among the show's cast.

Then there's Lo, the audience favorite for her snarky, vicious comments. She's been Lauren's friend since childhood, and she clearly has no tolerance for any of the flighty Hollywood types (a.k.a. Audrina). However, despite the long history between she and LC, Lo has never had an official place in both The Hills or Laguna Beach casts — a fact that is certainly motivating and undermining her simultaneously. So which sidekick will win out? And let's not forget about Stephanie Pratt, the would-be Bestie #1, whose full sidekick potential has yet to be unleashed (she's gotta get rid of the ball and chain that is Speidi before she can truly take her game to the next level). Oh what a wonderful disaster all these friends are making...

I have to admit something. My Hills universe is getting all sorts of murky. It used to be that everyone hated Heidi, except Spencer, Stephanie, and the occasional sidekick (a.k.a. Bolthouse lackey #457). Now everything's getting all jumbled around. Audrina seems to be dangerously returning to the Heidisphere, Spencer seems to be curiously leaving it, and Stephanie, well, she's all over the place. How are we, the simplistic viewers, supposed to keep up with all these strange allegiances? The good news is that we'll always have the clear-cut world of Wh-wh-wh-whitney, whose foray into her new job is fast becoming the most entertaining part of the show. Now that Lauren's officially been invited to join Das People's Revolution, I'm thinking that we should just kick the other junk to the curb and focus on these girls' daily battles with the sickly overlord that is Kelly Cutrone. Now that would be good TV.

Monday's second episode of The Hills was a homecoming of sorts. Many old friends were reunited for the first time in weeks. Heidi and Audrina buddied up; Lauren and Whitney got to spend the workday together; and most importantly, we the audience got to see the return of none other than ASHES, a.k.a. Bella 2.0, a.k.a. Lauren's long forgotten cat. Throw in a dash of She-Spencer mischief and a pinch of Kelly Cuttrone bitchiness, and we were good to go!

Man, these double episodes of The Hills are killing me, but in a good way. I can't really complain when so much awkwardness is on display. There was so much petty drama on tonight's episodes, and for the first time in a little while, it all focused on Heidi and Lauren marking their territories anew. You see, the recent acquisition of Stephanie Pratt by the Lauren camp meant that Heidi had to somehow strike out and nab a defector of her own. Ah, but I'm getting too far ahead of myself. That's the juicy stuff from the second episode of the night, which I'll be sure to cover in a separate but equal recap sometime on Tuesday. For now, let's just focus on the first half hour of joy. A half hour that brought us laughter, tears, and, of course, Alicia Keys.

The second half of The Hills season is only a few episodes old, but already She-Spencer, née Stephanie Pratt, has already turned out to be a breakout star. The first instinct is to hate her as she is a descendent of the Pratt lineage, but her naughty manipulations and Iago-esque troublemaking have made her the next great guilty pleasure of this series. Somehow, she's managed to befriend nearly everyone, and I wouldn't be surprised if she popped up on the next episode with her new BFF, Lisa Love. She's a sneaky girl — not unlike Kristin Cavallari. And like that former Laguna star, after a while, it seems inevitable that we'll just have to give ourselves over to Stephanie's charms. Sigh. Might as well do it now.

Holy Moly. I had no idea MTV was going to give us two full episodes of The Hills tonight. I'm all for extra episodes, but I have to admit, I was so very psyched to be recapping only a half an hour's worth of material. Now I gotta do a full hour? ARGH! It's okay though. It's hard to stay too angry when there's so much fun to be had. And by fun, I mean SHE-SPENCER. I may break the recaps up into two separate posts to a) save my sanity, and b) well, pretty much just to save my sanity. If I'm on a roll though, I'll do both tonight. Who knows what will happen? After Paris, EVERYTHING'S JUST SO DIFFERENT.

BONJOUR! What a glorious evening. The Hills are back; although, in name only as tonight's sort-of premiere existed exclusively in non-Hills territory. Specifically, we spent the whole hour in Paris and Colorado, two locations that truly dazzled on screen under the Hills cinematic treatment. I guess I should mention that there were occasional jaunts to New York City, but those were for the considerably less fascinating offerings of a clunky live show and a bizarre (read: AWFUL) vignette starring Alicia Keys. More on that later.

For now, let's just enjoy the sights and sounds of Lauren, Whitney, Heidi, Spencer, and a coterie of greasy Frenchman. I haven't written a recap in quite some time; so bear with me a little here. I may be rusty at this. Here goes nothing. Bon chance!!

Like omg! It's a preview clip!

Back in November on The Hills, Lauren and Whitney headed off to Paris for a whirlwind tour of the city's many delights, and while we're not sure if the two had any awkward romantic encounters with an errant mime or — better yet — Marion Cotillard, we can be certain of one thing: the boy drama was hardly contained to the Western Hemisphere. Yes, two days after Mademoiselle Conrad shipped off to France, Brody was spotted with another girl... AT A ZOO!!! Mon dieu! Even worse, Brody referred to the new girl as... his girlfriend! IN FRONT OF THE MONKEY CAGE!!! Well, I'm not so sure about that last part, but I think it's safe to assume that's where he'd be spotted.

Nevertheless, this means one of two things: either Brody's now dating Bindi Irwin (gross, but intriguing), or he's somehow convinced some other unlucky girl to enjoy the ramshackle pleasures of Los Angeles's oft-maligned (and nearly incinerated) animal menagerie. Whoever the girl is, it's obvious that the never-quite-that-interesting saga of Brody and Lauren will be taking a brand new zoological twist when the season continues later this month.

Of course, personally, I'm more fascinated by the concerted efforts of Whitney to tame the stubborn bangs on Lauren's forehead, but that's just me.

In an exciting twist, I wound up in a paparazzi photo yesterday. But you'll never guess with whom...