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The tech world has been rocked this week by a major announcement in portable computing. I'm talking, of course, about the iPadma -- a revolutionary new device that let's you access all the many features of Padma Lakshmi right at your finger tips. No longer must one wait hours on end for Bravo to air another Top Chef marathon. Now busy travelers can take Padma with them and enjoy her sexy drawl wherever they may be: an airplane, a subway, or even at the DMV.

A full tour of this groundbreaking new device after the jump...

"I'm a Master, y'all!"

The cast hasn't been announced yet, but according to my friend, the very reliable Katherine Spiers, local Los Angeles chef Govind Armstrong (Table 8, 8 Oz. Burger Bar) will be one of the contestants competing on the upcoming season of Top Chef: Masters. We don't know how well he'll fare, but as long as he simply serves up that famous braised short-rib grilled cheese sandwich of his, I'm sure he'll waltz right into the winner's circle...

More information here.

If you're as big of a Gail Simmons fan as I am, then the news that broke this weekend will certainly thrill you. Bravo has enlisted our favorite Top Chef judge to host the upcoming spinoff Top Chef: Just Desserts. That means we'll get a hefty dose of Gail every single week as she lords over a talent pool of pastry chefs and dessert mavens. I couldn't be happier! Sadly, it won't be quite the same without Padma around, but I'm sure she'll gather her gays around the TV, sip tamarind martinis with them, and quietly scoff at every awkward Gail moment, bless her heart.

Reality Blurred:
Gail Simmons will host Top Chef Just Desserts; Bravo renews several shows

In what may prove to be one of the duller hours of the year, Bravo is gathering all the "cheftestants" from Top Chef: Las Vegas for a reunion where we'll finally get the answers to our burning questions such as... um... uh... what's it like to get an AWFUL tattoo? (That's basically the only pressing matter on my mind). I can't imagine that this episode will be terribly enlightening thanks to the gaggle of boring, if immensely talented, personalities on hand this season. Luckily, we may have a spark of excitement when it comes to Robin, the oft beleaguered lady chef who found herself the brunt of many other cast members's derision. In a video after the jump, we see her season-long social plight, but don't get too excited: the clip conveniently cuts off before we can hear what she thinks about her fellow chefs and their behavior. Nevertheless, these vids might serve as a quaint primer for those of you needing to get amped for tonight's show. And if nothing else, they at least show off Andy Cohen's untamed thicket of chest hair, which I know we all love to see as often as possible.

Robin vid after the jump...

Well, Top Chef: Las Vegas drew to a close last night, but I won't spoil the results here. I'll just say that the winner was a male with bad tattoos. HAVE I GIVEN TOO MUCH AWAY? I have to admit that this season capper wasn't totally exciting. I actually dozed off at one point and had to rewind later. Still, I think the right person won; so I really can't complain too much. Hopefully things will be more engaging next season.

Photocap after the jump...

Tonight is the season finale of Top Chef: Las Vegas, which means that yet another chef will take home the big prize. Our finalists come as no surprise: Kevin and the Voltaggio brothers -- all three of whom were pegged to go to the end as far back as the very first episode. It's that predictability that has marred this season of Top Chef somewhat. On one hand, we definitely were presented with the strongest batch of contestants yet. On the other hand, they were all so... bland. I've enjoyed watching their expertise, but I must admit that I've found it hard to root for or against any of them. Couple that with their annoying badass attitudes, and I have to admit I was a little turned off by the cast this season, despite their immense talent. Maybe that's why I've been so enthused about Bravo's other cooking show, Chef Academy, which I only started watching last week (during a marathon) and immediately fell in love with. The talent on display with that show is significantly lower, but the personalities are ten times more appealing. Dare I say it's my new favorite show? Nevertheless, Top Chef needs to inject some more fun into the proceedings and less preening (except for Padma). In the meantime, check out a brief clip above from tonight's finale.

Who do you think will win? Kevin, Michael, or Bryan?

The stakes for last night's Top Chef: Las Vegas episode were so high, it's hard to imagine the casting directors ever seriously thought half the contestants this season could ever viably compete in it. In what proved to be one of the most imposing challenges ever, the cheftestants had to participate in a scaled down version of the Bocuse d'Or, which is basically like the culinary Olympics of classic French cooking. This meant impeccable dishes served with flawless (and creative) presentation. And just because this wasn't the real event didn't mean there wasn't a heart-thumping array of judges. Bravo served up a doozy of tasters, including Daniel Boulud, so-and-so Bocuse (son of Mr. Bocuse, who founded the Bocuse d'Or), and the one and only Thomas Keller — one of the most revered chefs in America and the world. Gulp. Between Keller and Robuchon earlier this season, Top Chef: Las Vegas has spared no ounce of culinary star power this go-around.

Top Chef returned last night after a one week hiatus, and I'm happy to report that it was well worth the wait. Both the Quickfire and the Elimination challenges were highly entertaining, and even if Gail was absent, there was much to enjoy. First off, we had Padma eating breakfast in bed, bathrobe and all. And she wasn't alone. Joining her was none other than Nigella Lawson, also wrapped up in a robe and shoved under the blankets of a separate bed. Don't think for a moment though that either lady had an inch of bedhead. They may have been enjoying breakfast, but they clearly were done up to the nines with hair and makeup.

Anyway, Nigella proved to be a highly entertaining add-on to the panel this week. I've actually never seen one of her shows, but might I suggest swapping Toby out for her next season as the official Gail alternate? After all, she earned massive points from me at the Judges Table when she likened panna cotta to the quivering inner thigh of a 17th century courtesan. Had Toby attempted the same analogy, it would have come off as forced and insufferable. Nigella, though, she's just a funny lady.

Last night's Top Chef: Las Vegas was that most hallowed of episodes: Restaurant Wars — a.k.a. the time when half the cast embarrasses themselves beyond reprieve. Sure enough, we had some major bombs by some very accomplished chefs, but on the flip-side, there were some astounding offerings too. Tom Colicchio even noted that the Restaurant Wars winning team was the best "restaurant" they'd ever had on the history of Top Chef (and looking at those dishes, I can see why). I won't give anything away in this paragraph, but needless to say, it was a fun episode, and if I weren't so lazy, I'd go more in depth about it. But alas. I'm lazy.

After the jump, a photocap of the show.

I must admit that my Top Chef coverage has waned in recent weeks. I still watch and love it, but Bravo's website has been putting up pretty lame media, which means I've got nothing really to use for my photocaps (they post production stills, not screen grabs). Plus, as much as I'm enjoying this season and the high caliber of contestants, I'm finding that their personalities just aren't quite resonating with me. Everyone seems to be... well... a dick. Chefs definitely go through the grinder in the course of their careers; so I'm not surprised that these guys are hardened and cold and badass. But they're a little TOO into being badasses. Starting with all those horrendous tattoos and ending with a general resistance to smiling and mirth, these guys are all about acting tough. It's like they think they're part of a freakin' motorcycle gang or something. It's kind of annoying.

Pretty much the only friendly person left is Robin, and the poor woman doesn't seem to have a clue. I'm actually pulling for her to do something amazing because honestly, everyone is such a dick to her (including the producers, who've been happily pointing out all her flaws in recent episodes). It seems like every week someone is either snapping at her (Eli) or patronizing her (Michael) or, as seen in the clip above, doing both. Yes, this video from tonight's episode shows Michael Voltaggio (one of the favorites to win the whole thing — although, I'm pushing for Jen) fiddling with Robin's dessert, causing her to flip out in an amusingly shrill way. He in turn barks back condescendingly, and then it just spirals from there.

After the jump, a bonus video of the gang participating in the Quick Fire challenge, which is some sort of blindfolded relay race. Should be fun...

The battery pack on a microphone exploded into flames on the set of Top Chef — a freak accident which was thankfully captured on camera by the dutiful crew of the culinary reality show. It's sort of cool to watch; although, the fact that Bravo treats it like lost footage from The Hurt Locker kind of makes it a bit anticlimactic. Still, if you'd like to see a sudden burst of flames, check out the vid above.

Well, the cheftestants are still toiling out in the middle of Sin City, and in since I haven't done a Top Chef photocap in a few weeks, let's recap briefly what's happened in the season so far. Basically, all the women have sucked except Jen; Ashley gets angry at anything and everything; the Voltaggio Brothers are destined for the finals; Michael likes to THINK he's as good as the Voltaggios, but really all he does is piggyback on them; and that girl Jesse turns red really easily and cries. Of course, we won't have to worry too much about Jesse's tomato face because SPOILER ALERT she got cut in last night's high-stakes Quickfire challenge. Sort of sucks for her, but let's face it -- she was really screwing up every week anyway. Her time had come. And honestly, did anyone really think she'd be able to pull off an escargot dish? No, not really. Speaking of escargot, I love eating those little snails, and that Quickfire challenge had me salivating at the mouth. As fun as it was though, it was nothing compared to the Elimination challenge, which had the chefs pairing up classic French proteins with classic French sauces using, as I'm sure Ina Garten would be happy to announce, classic French techniques. If ever there was a challenge to get my stomach growling, it was this one.

Top Chef is back, and this season, it's headed to Las Vegas. It's a bit too early to scope out who the stars are, but it seems as though the talent is a tad higher this season, what with the scattering of James Beard nominees and Michelin star recipients. The two brothers, whose names escape me, seem like serious contenders, as does the winner of this week's elimination challenge (who shall go by Red Beard until I get my act together and look at the bio page on Bravo). I kind of like the self-anointed bitch of the season — the one who worked under Eric Ripert in Philadelphia. Why do I like her? Well, she worked under Eric Ripert in Philadelphia. That's enough for me. Also, she said she can make men cry; so that would be fun too.

In terms of trends, this season seems to be all about the tattoos. Yes, faux-hawks are so season five (and four and three and two and one). This time around, it's all about tats, but not just any tats. I'm talking about TERRIBLE TATS. I'm not opposed to tattoos, per se, but I am opposed to ugly, poorly placed, and generally dumb-looking body art. And this season is all about it. Seemingly everyone has a splotch of nasty ink on their shins or neck or elbow or earlobe. Again, not all the tats are bad, but maaaan, between these people and Lydia on Big Brother, there's a lot of piss poor tattoo representation on TV these days.

Nevertheless, it was great to see our judges back in action, and don't think I didn't laugh when a chef handed Gail a giant plate of doughnuts, causing her to say "Dessert first for me!" Bless her heart. I suppose also now would be a good time to make my biannual announcement that I love Gail and don't think she's fat, despite what the jokes on this blog might suggest. People always ask me why I come down on her so hard. I don't come down on her. I make fun of a fictional condescension that I pretend her fellow judges have for her. Yes, I know a bad joke is one that you have to explain, buuuut... I'm still gonna do it anyway.

So on that note, onto the photocap!

I'm truly enjoying Top Chef Masters, but nothing compares to the original. Luckily we get both tonight! At 9 PM, it's the season premiere of Top Chef: Las Vegas, and then at 10:15 PM (EST of course), it's the season finale of Top Chef Masters. I might sound like I'm shilling, but who wouldn't for the likes of Tom, Padma, and our dear friend Gail, bless her heart.

Above, a preview video from the Top Chef premiere. After the jump, various other vids to peruse from both shows...

I believe tonight is the penultimate episode of Top Chef Masters, and as such, we've got two treats in store. First, a fight between Michael Chiarello and former contestant / wall-puncher Dale. Second, the return of the blind taste test Quickfire. Both promise to be highly entertaining, with the Dale incident perhaps tipping the scale into the realm of embarrassing. I'm once again rooting for Anita Lo to take the crown, but honestly, with Art Smith gone, I'll be happy for anyone to win at this point.

Above, a preview of the Dale fight. After the jump, some clips about the Quickfire and Elimination challenges.

Top Chef Masters is back tonight, and after last week's wonderful episode, I have high hopes for a repeat performance — especially when the chefs are thrown the curveball of having to cook for actress Zooey Deschanel, who, you should know, eats NOTHING. Okay, that's an exaggeration. She's a vegan, but she's also gluten intolerant, and most significantly, she doesn't eat soy. So that leaves... air? Well, there are more options than that, but it'll be a doozy for the chefs, especially Art Smith, who hopefully will crash and burn again (and this time go home).

Two more preview vids after the jump.

I am in a time crunch; so I can't really go on at length about last night's delightful Top Chef Masters. All I will say is that I was most unhappy with the winner, who seemed to be using his camera time to audition for his own Andy Cohen produced show. The histrionics and annoying jokes were simply insufferable. Boo! Oh well.

Onto the pictures!!

Tonight's another episode of Top Chef Masters, and if memory serves me correctly, we're down to our last batch of prospective chefs before we get to the champions of champions — or whatever they're gonna call their elite qualifiers. Above, check out a video of the chefs learning tonight's twist. After the jump, further intrigue pertaining to the enigmatic "mystery box." Intrigue abounds!

Cooking for the prestige, if you will.

I was most disappointed last week when I turned on my TV and there was no new episode of Top Chef Masters in my queue. Actually, disappointed wasn't the word. More like puzzled. Yes, I sat there for five minutes, navigating through the depths of my DVR to see if the fault was mine or Andy Cohen's. It was the latter (ain't that always the case?). Bravo had bumped the episode, presumably to make way for the long weekend. Thankfully, we finally got our dose of haute culinary competition last night, and perhaps as a way of extending an olive branch to those of us who had been miffed the week prior, Bravo supplied us with not only Neil Patrick Harris, but the welcome return of our dear friend Gail Simmons, bless her heart, and even Tom Colicchio. Oh, and the challenge was pretty damn near awesome too. All is excused.

Basically, the chefs had to whip up a meal to be served at Los Angeles's very own Magic Castle (not to be confused with the Gothic Castle), with each "cheftestant" receiving a special theme: surprise, mystery, illusion, and spectacle. Needless to say, there was plenty of culinary legerdemain on display. I was a major fan of Anita Lo's intriguing faux-scallop (ILLUSION!), and I was equally happy that Douglas Rodriguez's attempt to light coconuts on fire was an epic fail. He was entirely too smug for me, and thankfully, the experience seemed to humble him quite a bit. Speaking of humbling, I felt bad for John Besh, who flamed out spectacularly last night. First he only prepared one meager, undercooked egg for the Quickfire — netting him a lowly half star for his efforts. Then he chilled everyone's palates with a purportedly ice cold blini, the bane of Western Civilization it would seem. Yikes. Not a good showing. At least Mark Peel fared well. Representing local Los Angeles stalwart Campanille, Mark came thiiis close to winning the episode, but an earlier mishap with olive oil (or lack thereof) during the Quickfire kept him from the victory. Ah well. Sucks for him. But I was rooting for Anita anyway; so it's all good.

Anyway, onto the pics...

After a one week hiatus, Top Chef Masters is back! Tonight's episode looks awesome for two reasons: magic and Neil Patrick Harris. Yes, both will be on display in what looks to be a super interesting challenge for the Masters. I particularly like the clip above which features a magician speaking not unlike GOB Bluth when he utters the word "ILLLLLUUUUSION." Oh, and did I mention that our dear friend Gail Simmons, bless her heart, makes a return appearance tonight? BEST WEDNESDAY EVER!

For the hardcore, I've got two more videos after the jump...

Still recovering from the snooze-athon that was NYC Prep? Well, thankfully we have another episode of Top Chef Masters tonight to drag us out of the doldrums. Among the competing chefs this week will be Rick Bayless and Ludo Lefebvre, the latter of whom reality fans may remember for his cameo appearance on The Apprentice 6 (his wife Christine was a contestant and later a model in Playboy). Anyway, in the clip above, the two Masters clash over street food (and by "clash," I mean politely register mild frustration), but what I care more about is fellow contestant Cindy Pawlcyn, who announces to us that she and her gal pals seek out offal every week in a nifty club called "Girls Who Eat Guts." Sexy!

After the jump, a second clip from the show featuring some background information on Bayless. The real star in that video is Kelly Choi, who seems completely unable to refrain from turning into a jack-o-lantern the moment she gets excited — or attempts awkwardly to be gregarious.

I was very excited about last night's Top Chef Masters because I'd actually dined at two of the chefs' restaurants. Three, if you count Betty. Just over a year ago, I dined at Graham Elliot (the Chicago restaurant of chef Graham Elliot Bowles) and enjoyed the experience very much. I even took several photos, which I never got around to posting. Maybe I'll put some up after the jump. I've also eaten at Suzanne Tracht's Jar many times, and while I wouldn't call it the best of Los Angeles, I thoroughly enjoy my meals there every single time (their chocolate pudding is something I crave about once a week). Anyway, I was quite thrilled to see both chefs battling it out as I felt for once that I could maintain the illusion of a mildly informed (but not really) opinion about their food.

Late last week, when I heard that Top Chef superstar Fabio Viviani would be in the neighborhood doing a cooking demonstration for something called Top Chef: The Tour, I knew I had to find a way to see it. The event was booked up, but thanks to the good people at Bravo, they found a way to get me on the list. And boy am I glad that I did. Not only was Fabio there, but so was Top Chef top chef Hosea Rosenberg. Plus, we audience members scored some free food (woot!) and some lovely shwag courtesy of Directv and Quaker Oats. Not a bad way to pass an hour in Los Angeles.

I finally caught the premiere episode of Top Chef Masters last night, and I actually liked it way more than I thought I would. I feared that it would dilute the brand — and the lack of Tom or Padma or Gail (not to be confused with Gael) — would cheapen the experience, but no, it was just fine. Hostess Kelly Choi seemed incredibly nervous in front of the camera as her face was often contorted into an uncomfortable scowl, but aside from her generally awkward and eye-flaring presence, everything seemed fine. The new judges were articulate and informed — even if I didn't quite trust Red Sweater's knowledge of tailgating food.

As for the chefs, we were given four contestants, who had all won several honors — except for perhaps cowboy freezer enthusiast Tim Love, whose only highlighted accomplishment was not that he had won a James Beard award but that he had ridden on horseback to the ceremony. Hmmm... Compared to the other chefs — Christopher Lee, Michael Schlow, Hubert Keller — he seemed like kind of a lightweight, and I'm not sure he impressed much of America when he accidentally stored his produce in THE FREEZER instead of the fridge. Apparently, because of a lack of ice racks, he just assumed he was dealing with a refrigerator, which leads me to believe he'd never heard of that other handy indicator: TEMPERATURE. As in, if you open up a fridge and you feel like you might just freeze solid, especially if left trapped inside of it for a few hours, then chances are you're dealing with a FREEZER.

A new supporting character has played a prominent role on this season of The Hills, and her name is Stacie — or as Stephanie Pratt has been prone to calling her — homewrecker, slut, whore, etc.. To me, she's just "bartender" or "that girl from The Hills" or "that girl from The Hills named Stacie who I pretend like I don't know her name but clearly I do." Anyway, I had some friends in from out of town last week, and when I asked where they wanted to go out to, they admitted that they really wanted to check out The Dime, which just so happens to be where Stacie works and where Spencer had his big brawl with Cameron and where Heidi had her jealous girlfriend moment. Needless to say, with all this excitement, my friends understandably couldn't resist checking out this epicenter of pop culture drama.

Well, we all arrived at the bar, and I was fairly shocked to discover that Stacie was actually working at The Dime. I just naturally assumed she was an actress cast to play the role of a bartender on the show. But lo! She's a real working woman. Naturally, I acted as if I didn't even know who she was when she took my order (even though in my head I was quietly planning out the blog post word by word). I'm sure she realized, however, that we were ardent fans of the show because on more than one occasion, she literally snuck up out of nowhere and cut through our group as we were saying such choice things as "Yeah, she really does look pretty in person" or "We should call her the homewrecker" or "It's so funny that the girl from The Hills is actually here." We were very smooth.

"They originally wanted my dear friend Gail Simmons for this commercial, but she ate seven Thickburgers in three minutes and had to be medivac-ed to the nearest free clinic, bless her heart."

Hey, remember when Paris Hilton did that Carl's Jr. commercial, and everyone got in a tizzy about how racy and sexy it was? Well, it's nothing compared to the latest spot from Carl's Jr./Hardy's, which uses Padma Lakshmi as its latest sex object to devour a big, juicy burger. Needless to say, it's a definite upgrade.

Link courtesy of IndianJones

Nooooooo!!!!

Apologies for the slight delay in getting my Top Chef finale photocap up. I had a minor bottleneck of work to do, and quite honestly, it's all for the best because I needed that time to mourn the tragic death of Carla's run at the title. I'm not usually one to hate on Top Chef, but this was seriously the most disappointing finale EVER. I knew as soon as Carla got paired with Casey (the self-proclaimed "hot chef" of season three), she'd be in trouble. Casey, if you remember, has a kind of toxic presence in the kitchen. I believe all of her friends went home on her season (hence the feeling that she'd been thrown under the "guilt blanket," whatever that is). To be fair, Carla's big problem has always been a lack of confidence in herself, which has often led her down the wrong path. She ultimately has to be held responsible if she decides to use Casey's HORRIBLE suggestions. Still... why, Casey, WHY??? Since the finale aired, there's actually been some back and forth, mostly from Casey, who has spewed nothing but venom towards Carla and the producers, and while I suppose her ranting was supposed to exonerate her from any wrongdoing, it just makes me kind of hate her.

"Emeril, my dear friend Gail Simmons has expressed an interest in eating beignets all night long. Could you cook her up some? I fear that if we don't feed her, she'll get very cranky, bless her heart."

In case you're wondering where the Top Chef photocap is, rest assured — I'm waiting for bravotv.com to get their act together. For whatever reason, their gallery from Wednesday's episode is all wonky (as in, there's only one photo in it), and that does not make for a good photocap. So please be patient, and if you're feeling particularly hostile, send a missive to Andy Cohen.

One of our favorite guest judges returned to Top Chef last night as chef Eric Ripert invited all the contestants to enjoy a meal at his famed New York City restaurant, Le Bernadin. Of course, there was a nifty twist: after consuming their wonderful six course meal, the chefs then had to each recreate one of the dishes they'd just enjoyed. This wasn't the first time Top Chef had pulled such a trick, but it may have been the most entertaining. Eric Ripert is one of the best chefs in the world; so forcing these chefs into his kitchen added the sort of pressure that a rowdy "Top Chef Bowl" simply can't provide. Unsurprisingly, Stefan rose to the challenge with an admittedly easy lobster dish. I was also quite happy to see Carla and Fabio in the winner's circle as well, even if they didn't ultimately take home the victory.

Rounding out the bottom were Jamie, Leah, and Hosea — all three of which have become so tiresome I kind of wished they'd just been all eliminated right then and there. Hosea is the least irritating of the bunch; although, his goatee continues to make him difficult to look at. He has a habit of over-explaining his flaws, which is a bit annoying, but I imagine he'll be heading to the final three as the producers have been setting up an excitement-free rivalry between him and Stefan for a few weeks now. Leah, meanwhile, was a favorite of mine earlier in the season, and I have no doubt that she can cook, but she's been checked out of the game for some time now, and yet she still manages to float through, sending perhaps more talented chefs home in her stead.

Then there's Jamie, who wound up being this week's ejected scallop. I wasn't sad to see her go. Her bitter attitude had been getting worse and worse every episode, and the mild undercurrents of entitlement and haughtiness had done nothing to help her case. In the end, overly salty celery (from a dish she DID NOT like — a fact she felt compelled to state to Eric Ripert for no reason) sent her home. And so comes the end of Team Rainbow, which really wasn't much of a team considering that two of its founding members were gone by week two. But I guess Jamie can blame that on Eric Ripert too.

Top Chef switched things up last night by presenting the Top Chef Bowl (or something like that), which had previous contestants return to square off against this season's crew head-to-head, with each paring of chefs having to create a meal in twenty minutes with the regional ingredients of various football teams. Anyone from this season who lost to an alumnus would then be eligible for elimination. There was also a silly touchdown/field goal scoring system at place, but I don't think anyone watching really cared too much about that. Basically, the home team (current season) won, and in a shocking twist of fate, three of the most talented chefs — Stefan, Jeff, and Fabio — wound up facing the judges in the end. I thought it would be curtains for Fabio, but thankfully, it was Jeff who went home. Actually, based on one of Jeff's interviews earlier in the show, I noticed that he seemed a bit more depressed and dour than usual (which says a lot). At that moment, I suspected that he'd be going home, but then based on Fabio's unraveling, I abandoned that instinct. Not that it really matters.

I must say that it was fun to see some familiar faces again (a.k.a. Spike & Andrew), but I also kind of agreed with Fabio, who said this wasn't cooking; this was rushing. The emphasis in this episode was whether or not new could beat old, not "is this food any good?" And let's face it: part of the thrill of Top Chef is watching the judges bite into a dish, taste it, and then react with joy or — even better — utter disdain. We didn't really get that this week. In fact, we had to wait allll the way until the end of this supersized episode to get any critiques. Ultimately, the Bowl was a fun concept, but it strayed ever so slightly away from the unique draw of the show.

Anyway, onto the photocap...

It's a shame that Gail Simmons had to leave Top Chef so early this season because last night she missed the one and only RESTAURANT WARS!!! That's right. With only eight contestants left, the chefs were split into two teams and forced to create a restaurant experience in twenty four hours. In one corner was Radhika and her beautifully-named restaurant, Sahana. In the other corner was Leah, whose menu and name, The Sunset Lounge, felt less than inspired. It seemed like Leah would be going down — and not just on Hosea — after she served up some undercooked fish to the judges. However, the diners just marginally enjoyed the Sunset Lounge experience more, thus affording them a very, very lucky pass this week.

As a result, Team Sahana faced the judges, and man was Tom Colicchio mad. The combination of Radhika's indecisive and generally absent leadership mixed with Carla's wack-a-doodle answers seemed to royally piss him off. I thought at one point he was gonna punch both women. Sadly, despite consistently delivering solid and often mouth-watering dishes, Radhika was sent packing. On the plus side, I'm glad to have Carla around longer (seriously — how many desserts can she bungle?), but annoyed that yet another talented chef went home at the expense of Leah. Oh well.

I was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you by who went home last night on Top Chef. I won't say his or her name right here in case anyone hasn't quite caught up with the show, but I will say that I think the only reason this person was sent packing was because the producers wanted to see how a certain uninteresting romantic storyline would play out with two other people.

Okay, I've probably said too much. Oh well. Seriously, if you haven't seen the episode, just move forward to the photocap because I'm gonna talk about the show more in depth now.

Nevertheless, this farm-tacular episode was a pleasant romp through the sights and sounds of Westchester County, NY — a region I know well. The chefs went to the Blue Hill Farm restaurant where they picked fresh ingredients from the aforementioned farm and caroused with various pigs, cows, and chickens before heading back into the kitchen and whipping up a feast. Needless to say, several chefs floundered, but not, I'm happy to report, Carla who turned out the promised vegetarian dish in the form of a fruit tartlet. She got the highest marks from the judges, but alas, she could not claim sole victor of the episode because all that do-good communal farm mentality prompted the judges to name all three people on Carla's team the winners. Lame hippies. JUST GIVE IT TO CARLA. Hootie hoo!

As for poor Ariane, who got the ax, I understood the reasoning behind her elimination: not being able to tie a roast is fairly unforgivable. However, at least she tried, and she took on the hardest and most central part of the meal. I suppose that could be seen as a negative, but really, Leah and Hosea seemed to have done nothing. And Ariane has proven that she can churn out high quality dishes (she did go on a tear with the victories, after all). Leah and Hosea have both been proficient, but ultimately uninspiring — generally tending toward the middle of the pack and playing it safe. Plus, Hosea has that awful goatee; so for that alone he should have been dropped. Oh well.

Onto the photocap...

The bad news: no more Gail for the rest of Top Chef. The good news: we now have a wordy curmudgeon on the panel, and no, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about Toby Young, who ably — if not bombastically — took over for our dear friend Gail Simmons, who has gone off on some newlywed adventure. I do hope she comes back next season, but for now, Toby is a fine substitution. He seems to hate everything, which is fun; although, I'd prefer a few less Tom Cruise allusions and some more concrete feedback. Nevertheless, this episode, which had the chefs preparing whatever they wanted for the new judge (and their peers — twist!) was a welcome return for the show, which hadn't served up a new installment for what felt like eons. Glad to have you back, chefs. And yes, that was a reference to the Glad family of cookware and products.

Now excuse me while I have a Diet Dr. Pepper and get on with the photocap...

Last night's Christmas-themed Top Chef was all sorts of fun. Unfortunately, it kind of peaked after the Quick Fire Challenge with the exit of Martha Stewart as guest judge. Proving to be as austere and unforgiving as ever, Martha was a delight to watch. Dishes she enjoyed were met with warm anecdotes of diving for scallops off the coast of Maine in January. Less successful offerings, however, were met with succinct yet devastating dismissals. "Pungent," she stated coldly to one chef. Ouch. Even worse was the silent scolding she gave to Eugene. "WITH?" she asked terrifyingly, after learning that his broth had been thickened. Who knew one preposition could be so intimidating?

It's a shame Martha couldn't stick around for the rest of the episode, but I guess beggars can't be choosers. Luckily we had Michelle Bernstein back to kick all the chefs' asses at the judging table. In case you don't know who she is, just go down to Borders and pick up her new cookbook, CUISINE A LATINA (said in a suddenly twangy, high-pitched, and exaggerated Latina accent).

Anyway, on to the photocap...

"I'll show Padma who's Padma."

This was the episode of Top Chef, or as I like to call it, The Pad 'n' Gail Show that I'd been waiting for: a whole competition based on GAIL. And even better, it was supersized! Would Gail have it any other way?

Yes, our dear friend Gail Simmons is getting married, and in her honor, the producers threw her a bridal shower. As such, the chefs were split into four teams — "old," "new," "borrowed," "blue." Get it? Well, just in case you didn't, Ariane was sure to explain that it was a play on the old bridal phrase — something she was familiar with since she was once married. Not sure if you have to be hitched to know the phrase, but I digress. Ariane, I should note, has risen from the ashes like a mighty phoenix, going on to win two elimination challenges in a row. I'm happy for her redemption, especially because her mannerisms entertain me endlessly.

Not entertaining me is Jamie, who spent half the episode complaining about Stefan's cockiness while at the same time declaring that she utterly deserved to win practically every competition on Earth at that moment. I bet she scorned Michael Phelps for depriving her of Olympic glory. Yeah, Stefan is cocky, but at least he owns up to it. Jamie is just bitter (her puree, however, did look quite amazing).

As for the losing team, man, that was flawed from the get-go. We knew there'd be conceptual misfires when Danny oddly suggested pickling the entire meal. I'm not sure how an aging process could possibly connote the assigned theme of "new," but Danny was hellbent on it. Of course, he's hellbent on a lot of misguided things: sneaking mushrooms into someone else's dish, smiling like a goofball, shaving his beard in that awful, awful way. Danny doesn't deserve all the credit for the loss though. Eugene's ideas were fairly terrible too. Filet mignon on sushi? No. Don't even. But then it got worse: he wanted people to put together their own sushi? OH HELL TO THE NO. Sure, it's a new idea, but it's also quite horrendous. Who wants to put together their own roll? I hate putting together my own stuff. I always do it wrong and make a mess. What's shocking is the way Danny and Carla jumped at the idea. Danny, okay, he's an idiot. No big surprise there. But Carla? She seems pretty smart, and she seems to have a good eye for these sort of things. Her lapse in judgment was pretty eye-opening for me. Of course, no one was angrier than Big Tom, who said he wished he could eliminate all three of them. Ouch. Somebody's feisty.

Nevertheless, onto the photocap...

Top Chef this week really was all about one thing and one thing only: Kathy Lee Gifford spitting out Jeff's food into a sink. Man, that was glorious. Luckily her disgust really doesn't reflect poorly on him as much as it does her, but nevertheless, I'm sure it was slightly mortifying. Perhaps not as mortifying as working at a restaurant whose name is one "i" away from the word "Dildo," but mortifying all the same.

Anyway, there's much to talk about, but I really just feel like getting to the photocap. Discuss amongst yourselves!

Well, the long weekend is over, and while Thanksgiving 2008 is officially behind us, it will forever live on in the latest Top Chef, which had the chef-testants battle to serve the best Turkey Day meal to none other than The Foo Fighters. The twist? The chefs could only use microwaves and toaster ovens (furnished by GE, of course). Overall it was a good episode, but I was sad that Richard got the boot as it meant that after today, I can really no longer use my favorite — albeit short lived — running joke of the season (a.k.a. using "Queeeen" in all possible manners when captioning him). Oh well. C'est la vie. Team Rainbow now is down to one last member, whatsherface, and I'm proud to report that she's seems to be getting slightly more bitter by the episode. She's taken an extreme dislike to Danny (he of the AWFUL facial hair), and while his hirsute challenges may be off-putting, I'm not sure they totally deserve the wrath she's directed towards him (let's not overlook her less-than-impressive gettup for the Foo concert later in the episode).

Anyway, onto the photocap...

The aspiring chefs of Top Chef were at it again last night, and this time, they had the daunting task of cooking in Tom Colicchio's very own restaurant, Craft. Needless to say, there was plenty of choking, and not just the performance-based kind. Padma had to eject two different items of food from her mouth — first a bone from a poorly executed hot dog in the Quick Fire challenge and then later some all-too-sweet meringue, courtesy of Ariane (pronounced Aryan, like the mythical race). Poor Padma had it rough, but it was worth it to see her contorted face each time. She was so overdramatic, you'd think she'd just been shot in the stomach.

As for that Quick Fire challenge which had the contestants making their own variations on the classic hot dog, I need a bit of clarification on some things. First of all, did that woman with the hot dog cart actually make her dog from scratch? Or did she merely boil one that her company orders from a supplier? Because if the latter's the case (as I suspect it is), then the chefs were totally held to a double standard, especially whats-her-face, who the judges harped on for using a store bought hot dog.

Secondly, exactly what constitutes a hot dog? What's the line between sausage and dog? Some of those creations, while delicious, seemed more like wurst than weiner. Then again, maybe there is no distinction. This is why I'm asking questions. I need answers.

Lastly, why didn't Stefan Richter get in touch with his German background (born in Finland, raised in Deutchland) and present a variation on currywurst, a deservedly popular street food in Berlin. For those not in the know, currywurst is essentially sliced sausage with a curried ketchup sauce on the side. Sounds simple, but it's oh so good. Why it hasn't caught on in the rest of the world is beyond me.

Nevertheless, onto the photocap...

Utensils down, hands up! Top Chef is back, and by the looks of this first episode of the New York season, I think we'll be in for quite the ride, as Tom said. It seems as though we've got a nice selection of colorful characters, and while there are some generic, nameless ones in the bunch, we also have two — count 'em — two Europeans (oooh), and so you just know they're gonna be the bad guys. Having clear villains from the first episode is always a bonus for a reality show. Unfortunately, I'm not sure who my hero is. Carla seems enjoyably kooky (and I was shocked to see that she's 44), but I'm not sure she'll have the chops to go very far. Meanwhile, Gene, the humble and unwitting Indian food genius, has an affable underdog vibe about him that could be fun to follow (bad tattoos be damned). I also liked Leah, the girl with the strict mom who warned her not to cry on TV. Oh, and I liked Melissa too, but only because I thought it was amusing that she called herself a "country mouse."

Danny, the chef de cuisine from Long Island, could be an affable underdog too, but I can't fully embrace him until his bizarre facial hair has been removed. I'm also not sure where I stand with Jeff, the blonde-haired pretty boy chef with a slight resemblance to Jesse Spencer of House. I feel like I'm not supposed to really like him, but I don't particularly dislike him either. Additionally, I'm not loving Radhika, who not only wears a perma-scowl (memories of Lisa), but also landed in the bottom of the night's two challenges. After the disastrous Nipa on Next Food Network Star and the equally awful Shazia on Top Design, I think it's safe to say that South Asian women have not been faring well on reality TV this year (a.k.a the only year they've ever surfaced). Let's hope Radhika can avoid being Nipa 3.0 and actually do something proficient (ie. fillet a fish).

And then there were the two people sent home. Stop reading if you don't want to know the results. I'm taking, of course, about Patrick and... that strange woman with the husband in Iraq. The two of them both went to culinary school together, and the two of them both got the axe (not a great endorsement of the CIA's current admissions staff). I knew the woman, Lauren, was going home when she prepared a simple salad for Pad and Tom. Not very Top Cheffy. Pat, meanwhile, had a warm smile and an affable demeanor, but he was entirely too inexperienced, which is why he got the boot later on, letting Ariane live to see another day. Phew! I love when those Jersey women stick around (I profoundly enjoyed Nikki last season). There are others to discuss (Team Rainbow and whatnot), but I should really get to the photocap.

Yesterday afternoon, while my friend Jash and I were getting drunk and watching TV, a most curious text message arrived on my phone. It came from my friend Caty, and for whatever reason, I felt the need to read it out loud (not a normal practice).

"This message is from my friend, Caty," I said, as if Jash even cared. "Just met Spike from Top Chef... You know him? He's nice."

Three. Two. One... MUTUAL GASP.

Maybe it was the booze or maybe it was our unhealthy obsession with Top Chef, but this news made Jash and I drop our jaws at the exact same time. (Sort of funny because it's not like the coolest news ever, even though it is pretty cool. I blame the booze). Anyway, I immediately called up Caty and asked her for the story. Turns out she had mixed up her bearded chefs. She had really meant to say "Andrew," who of course is just as awesome in our books. She said he was really cool and friendly and whatnot, but to be honest, the specifics are a little hazy (booze). All I do remember is that I commanded Caty to get a photo posthaste. And that's what she did. What a good friend. And what a cool chef. One more pic after the jump...

With last night's (slightly dull) reunion special, Top Chef: Chicago came to a triumphant end. I was really hoping for more histrionics and drama in the episode — or at the very least, some hostile barking from Lisa — but we really only got a bunch of montages that weren't too great. I did, however, enjoy re-watching some of the big fights, and the Lisa montage was great (if not a bit lacking in some of her finer tantrums).

Still, the reunion could have been much better. Andy Cohen practically ignored Nikki, not to mention practically everyone who was eliminated in the first seven episodes. On the plus side, we did get to see Gail Simmons sleeping at the judges table and the unveiling of this season's t-shirt: "I Have a Culinary Boner." I must admit for the first time ever a) I would buy the t-shirt, and b) the catchphrase is actually funny (unlike CJ's dumb line from last season -- which I don't even remember). Also, what was up with the random Zoi (pronounced "Zoey" not "ZOY") and Jen relationship intrigue. They acted all cagey about their romantic status (translation: broken up) as if the paparazzi were just knocking down their doors at all times. Jen in particular got all red in the face (I assume she was embarrassed, but perhaps she's an alky. HENCE THE BREAKUP -- allegedy).

Anyway, as usual Bravo posted a poor selection of photos on their website; so rather than give you an anemic photocap with only five pics, I decided to also go back and pluck some images from earlier in the season before I started to do the photocaps. Enjoy!

Click to play

Tonight, Bravo airs the Top Chef: Chicago reunion, and what better way to get in the mood than by listening to the music of Padma Lakshmi. No, these aren't original compositions. These are merely a sampling of her favorite tunes, which she shared on Los Angeles NPR outpost, KCRW. To hear the segment, click on the player above. It's worth a listen if only to hear Padma's "Thank you" in the first fifteen seconds (not to mention her description of Robert Palmer's "louche sexiness" later on).

Unsurprising quote of the program: "You know, there was all this marijuana smoke around me!"

• The Music of Padma Lakshmi [Eater LA]
• Guest DJ Project [KCRW]

FUCK YOU, bloggers!

Doing much to dispel her reputation as a pugnacious uber-bitch in search of a simple congratulations, Top Chef's Lisa Fernandes tells the The New York Daily News that "No matter what the blogs say about me not taking into consideration about what the judges tell me, or that I don't respond well to criticism, that's not true." Point taken. In fact, Lisa responds to criticism so well that she also says this:

Oh no, I don't read the blogs – you couldn't pay me to read the blogs. I don't want to know what people who can't even afford to eat in my restaurant, let alone know how to cook have to say about me, and the few comments I did read on Eater.com a few weeks back because my job asked me to read 'em. The best they could come up with was that I was ugly.

So there you have it. Even though the blogs that she DOESN'T read say she doesn't take criticism well, she's proven that everything does in fact roll right off her back. Well done!

Lisa Fernandes is last New Yorker standing on 'Top Chef' [NY Daily News via Serious Eats]

Last night, another sweet and spicy season of Top Chef drew to a close, but not before giving us a tasting menu's worth of anxiety as the producers successfully conned me into believing that Lisa actually had a chance of winning the whole thing. I knew it was just a bunch of misdirection, but stranger things have happened on Top Chef, and after serving a bowl of Tom Kha soup that Gail would NOT. SHUT. UP. about, I thought Lisa might actually get the official congratulations she so desperately sought out.

Thankfully, justice prevailed, and the deserving chef won. All is right with this world again. However, before we turn our attention to the next crop of Bravo competitions (Shear Genius, Project Runway 5), let's look back for one last season 5 photocap, shall we?

Well, hello.

Top Chef wraps up its solid fourth season tonight, which means that by the end of the evening, one of the three remaining "cheftestants" will be walking home with the proverbial gold medal. By most accounts, it's a tight race between the affable Richard (he of the oft-maligned faux-hawk, the dorky puns, and the generally well-executed dishes) and the dark horse Stephanie (really? I keep thinking she got eliminated five weeks ago). However, there's always a chance that the bitter, living incarnation of Cookiepus, Lisa (best known for her perma-scowl, greasy hair, and gruff attitude) will serve as the spoiler yet again. Most people are shocked she's made it this far as it appears there have been a host of other chefs seemingly more deserving of a shot at the finals than she. However, this is Top Chef, a show that hasn't been afraid to knock frontrunners out the competition following one bad pilaf. Remember Sam? How about Tre? Anything goes on Top Chef, and it got me thinking: what have been the most surprising exits in the series' history? Who have been the chefs that we thought had a true shot at the finals, only to come up short?

Well, Top Chef headed down to Puerto Rico last night for part one of its finale, and I have to say, I was none to happy with the results. The outcome was a veritable "FUCK YOU!" to the audience; although, I suppose I can understand the judges' rationale. Truth is that since we can't eat the food, we can't really say with authority who should truly stay or go. All I will say is that certain chefs with bad attitudes and even worse hairstyles have been on the bottom of nearly every competition this season while others with marvelous palettes and affable personalities have won multiple competitions. Is the fix in? Perhaps.

Photocap after the jump.

And by the way, I know you're busy doing whatever you do all day, but a congratulations for posting this would have been a little bit nice...

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our Top Chef final four. After a grueling beef-based episode that saw the chefs conquering the famed Chicago steakhouse scene, one unlucky person was unceremoniously chopped from competition like a lonesome ribeye at the butchery. Okay, that was a forced analogy, but on an installment that was all about meat, how could I resist a little steak punnage?

Nevertheless, the outcome of the episode wasn't entirely surprising. Heck, we called it right from the getgo. But the producers did try to fool us (didn't even come close to working), and in the end, while I was sad to see the loser go home, I knew there was no other viable choice for the judges.

Anyway, to the photocap!

When Padma said that Top Chef had thrown "Restaurant Wars" to the wayside to make room for "Wedding Wars," I knew it just couldn't be true. Sure enough, the seasonal tradition was back last night as the remaining six contestants split into two teams and duked it out, culinary style. In one kitchen were the three strongest chefs: Richard, Antonia, and that girl I keep thinking is eliminated but isn't (Stephanie?). In the other kitchen was the trainwreck crew: Dale, Lisa, and Spike. So what happened? Well, the strong chefs excelled, and the trainwreck chefs, well, they created a trainwreck. Thankfully, Spike stayed out of the fray, leaving him safe at the Judges' Table, but the Dale and Lisa rivalry finally came to a head, and one of them was sent packing. Who was it? Well, let's just say his name rhymes with his attitude: STALE.

Anyway, here's the photocap. Request to Bravo: more photos from the tastings and judges' table. Thanks in advance, Andy Cohen!

Wow, the tempers certainly were flaring on last night's Top Chef. Thanks to one of the most colorful bottom threes in recent memory, the assembled panel of Tom, Pad, Ted, and Sam (wtf?) were on the receiving end of many angry, defensive remarks. I guess that's what happens when you have certifiable (but lovable) nut job Andrew squaring off against raging hell-bitch Lisa. As Chef Tom Colicchio loves to say, there certainly was a lot of FINGER POINTING going on.

Overall, it was a thoroughly amusing episode. The only thing that was missing was our old friend Gail. Aside from her absence, we had all the usual fun stuff: Antonia babbling about her family, blue-collar people enjoying fancy food, ghosts sabotaging Lisa's rice, and Richard Blais being AWFUL (this week, he managed to make his dumb haircut look even worse by applying some sort of elastic headband apparatus). Sadly, Bravo's screencaps don't include any shots from the Judges Table, which is too bad because that's where all the fun stuff happens, but we'll just have to make do with the other pics.

Now that Big Brother is over and done, I can focus on other shows to make fun of, and what better choice than Top Chef, the jewel in the culinary genre's crown? Last night's episode eschewed "Restaurant Wars" for "Wedding Wars," resulting in an enjoyably cranky episode full of several dramatic flare ups. The end result was nothing too surprising, but the bickering at panel was worth it. Ultimately, I would have preferred restaurant wars over a wedding competition, but hey, considering that there are about three seasons of Top Chef a year, I'm sure we'll have a restaurant throw-down soon enough.

Still, any episode that features Gail is A-OK with me. Not only is she the most incisive and lovable, but watching her and Padma interact is a wellspring of hilarity. You know, on the one hand you've got Padma, the tall, beautiful model who runs in all the popular circles. On the other hand you have GAIL: plump, brainy, sidekicky. It makes for the perfect dynamic. I always imagine Padma just oozing condescension towards poor Gail. In a perfect world, there'd be a show featuring just these two, and it could be called Pad & Gail. It would be awesome.

And now, the photocap...

It's sort of funny that last night's Top Chef episode featured a taco challenge because I've spent the past week in a veritable taco-haze, eating those little nuggets of Mexican joy with reckless abandon. In fact, I'm in such a taco fever that I did the unthinkable: I tried to make some at home. The results were mixed.

Pictures of this grand culinary adventure, as well as some other Mexican-themed goodness, after the jump...